ENGLAND 102 - The Team in Mourning - Requiem for Lost Threads....

Gusti is once again up at crack of butt to travel to work, and Elb the Early is not far behind. Still-awake Marsha drops by in cuddly mode after seeing B&G over the weekend, and ever-so-shallow Elb contemplates Wulfy’s fine figure in chainmail.... After the early crew have gone about their business, Catherine awakes from a parking nightmare triggered by her car’s visit to the garage, while Els dashes in before work. Miss Hyde types carefully at elevenses still nursing a sore arm after too much bouncing, and Jo, Catherine (illicitly posting from work) and Evangelia do lunch..... Catherine has posted news that ‘The Jury’ is to be shown on ITV3 tonight, but Els prefers her DVD so she can perv over the Gerriness and skip the rest..... She buys yet more DVDs, but is reassured by Evangelia (also a film fanatic) but is scared by police activity outside her workplace.

Em misses an entire thread after Going Somewhere, and Marsha pops in later with an update about her friend, while Elb is agog about goings-on in Pompey.... Sparkle flies-by en route to Monday night yoga and a date later with Sweaty Sawyer and her brother, and Goffy the Exterminator has spent the day ant-battling and indulging in new lappiness........ Euphemia wants to know the whereabouts of an outfitter’s for Mini-Mareks, while Catherine WOOTs cautiously because her car may have been fixed on the cheap, and ENGLAND communally worry about Els’ safety. Goffy heeds Euphemia’s advice about ants, and Els reports back to ENGLAND that she is still alive but clueless, but more importantly, that it was the Bandstand’s final stand at band! Goffy is about to start a new vid, and asks for suggestions for scenes, and Cathy pays an arm and a leg for a half-price wedding outfit.... Euphemia pulls the wool over hubby’s eyes when she bags a bargain, and talking of weddings, chilly Tina returns after a weekend away in the Tardis...... Elb advises Euphemia on micro-wardrobe matters and salves her conscience by relaying messages from the still-connectionless Del....... Tina wants rid of her thunderthighs, while Elb reckons she’s got a whole bladdy storm in her trousers, and Em demands an audience when she returns from her bath...... Cathy gets pestered by moths and kittens, Gusti is very, very, very, very tired, and misses Del, and Tina suggests that Gusti needs a manservant! She holds her own minute of belated silence for lost threads after Elb tells Tina that her very first thread has been reprieved....... Cathy wobbles off, Jo admits to thunderthighs then ups the ante with wobbly butt & gut, but Em claims victory in the wobble stakes. Once Elb starts, she can’t stop, and Yorkie has a bad day. She and Elb both sit in front of the computer, wasting away whilst dithering over food.....

Gusti thinks of charging her client to do her housework, while she gets on her bike, but alas, both are pipedreams..... ENGLAND continue discussing boobs, bums and bellies, while Goffy won’t comment on what she missed, and Em the film star has finished her shoot..... Elb tells of frightening her doctor by keeling over after he plays Dracula on her empty stomach, and Em offers her leftovers to the starving. Catherine creeps out, Gusti goes, and Elb is cut off in her prime when her server crashes..... Breila joins the Ridiculously-Happy-about-New-Domestic-Appliances Club, as did Elb the previous week when she washed things just for the joy of being able to.... Euphemia assures Breila she’s pairfectly normal, and hoovers cats to prove her point, while Yorkie interrogates Elb about her blood tests, and wryly reflects on risque hoover discussions. Euphemia is impressed by long flexible hoses, and Goffy wonders exactly WHOSE hose is most impressive..... Poor soggy-arsed Eeyore wanders into the madness upset because she gets a soaking en route to work, where she discovers the Gorgeous Gareth belongs to another, and her new toy has to go back to the shop......... Euphemia, Goffy and co splash merrily in the Gutler while Elb warbles on about her trip to the doctors, and reveals her cholesterol levels are so high her GP needs a step-ladder to read them....... Moving swiftly on from hose-length discussions, Yorkie announces that she has an extra-thick head, and Team ENGLAND resort to the ‘safe’ topic of the weather.... Elb complains about Abridging flexible hose comments, and tells Eeyore that her wet arse is going in the blog..... Els enjoys chocolate flavoured DVDs, and retires to her new bed, while Elb assures Breila that her ailments are diagnosed as Getting Old-itis, and are nothing that an AK47 couldn’t fix. Euphemia admits to being well past her sell-by date, and goes off....... Cathy returns in hysterics, having just watched the legendary ‘Top Gear goes Caravanning’ and shows ENGLAND the gingerbread-Gerry that her son made, complete with appendages...... Em gives her excuses for forthcoming AWOLism, and will see us on Thread 200, while Yorkie almost gives in to her urges to run nekkid through the rain, and insists she really WAS talking about mop heads earlier. Yeah, right! Breila is confoosed as to mop heads and assures Elb that she’s NOT old......... Elb points out that her son is nearly Breila’s age. Miss Hyde also assures everyone they are NOT old, fat or wobbly, but that Team ENGLAND are just fine and dandy the way they are..........

Awwwww!

Miss Hyde’s nose grows longer.

Cathy tells ENGLAND that Gingerbread Gerry tasted great, but nearly spat him all over her keyboard after spotting a spider in her lap....... Elb explains succinctly what a mop head is, and admires Miss Hyde’s kind blarney, while Lady Claire bids ENGLAND a good evening and goodnight! Jo returns after an evening’s stuffing to walk in on hoovers and cleavages, and Yorkie leaks in front of prospective buyers, then she and Elb take their elderly leggies off to bed.... Eeyore and Breila also jump ship, abandoning Jo to bounce around the thread alone before pughugging as per instructions........

ENGLAND sleeps as much-needed rain moistens the country.........

ENGLAND 100 plus 1, plus a bit more.........

Catherine gets the coffee on for Team ENGLAND as she can’t sleep. Surprisingly, Elb appears, despite it being her one and only day off work, but she has missed Breakfast Club so much that she grabs some while she can..... As befits a pair of such ageing relics, she and G1 discuss their ailments and the weather until Gusti appears, then all three discuss ailments and weather............ Elb tells Gusti that Operation Vienna is under way, and Euphemia finally manages to get back into the site after being booted out yesterday.......... Elb the Sweaty decides to do Breakfast...Abridged for her benefit. Euphemia does Advice for the Ailing...Abridged in return, and Elb figures that Euphemia’s pithy “Elb, Bananas” can be taken either way...... Gusti too heeds Doc Horrible’s suggestion of a cooling eye mask, but Catherine has taken her dodgy tum for walkies before seeing Euphemia’s recommendation of Liver Salts..... Elb posts a pic of Marek’s full twelve inches in answer to Euphemia’s discreet inquiries, and goes off to play with her (coincidentally) 12 inches of lappiness.......Els boasts that 36 inches of combined Aragorn and Sparrow beat Marek’s paltry 12 inches, hands down, and issues a challenge to Elb to come to Pompey and face her fear of heights in a 170 metre high tower......

Sparkle arrives for elevenses with Breila who has been AWOL after her Dad is poorly. Breila considers laser eye surgery, but ENGLAND cringes at the thought - Euphemia can’t even use eye drops..... Eeyore cooks the books after neglecting them for too long, while Euphemia is the epitome of a long-standing customer at her bank, and takes a picnic.... Jo goes to wake the Kraken, alias sleeping hubby, but lets him lie while she catches up with Abridged, and Breila replies to Eeyore’s query that yes, Denmark IS the happiest place to live, according to cheerful Danes, but she plans on coming to grumpy England once school’s out......

Miserable Blu is looking for new lodgings after just two days in her new abode, and Miss Hyde reports back from the 18th birthday party where she bounced in the rain and dived into chocolate fountains..... Elb returns from indulging in new lappiness, and accepts Els’ challenge, by becoming superhero Action-Elb...... Unlucky Loubylou has to call on the RAC superheroes and endures a coachride from Hell to see Evita, and Eeyore gives her the link for Mini-Mareks...... Greedy Jo wants another one, and reveals where to get Marek-sized handcuffs to a very interested Louby and lurking Elb, while Catherine reckons ENGLAND have set a trend, as Admin are asking for volunteers for thread deletions!

Els is all growed-up and buys domestic accoutrements, but quickly balances it out with JD DVDs, after failing to check out the Spinnaker Tower where she wants to lure Elb....... Jo refuses to waste a good pair of handcuffs on hubby, and Gusti catches up after a hard day’s work. At 6.17pm, Elb notices that ENGLAND’s old threads have been deleted, and announces there will be a Memorial Service at 7pm..... Eeyore wants slapping for not holding herself to account, while Gusti passes a sobbing Elb a handkerchief, while Eeyore, Jo and Miss Hyde hold a minute’s silence for the departed threads..... The pruning back of the threads however, has enabled self-confessed idler Miss Hyde to find more of Elb’s ramblings from Belfast, and Catherine ponders more forum housework to make the site run better.....

Just after 7pm, Elb intones the Memorial Service for Lost Threads, revealing that Tina’s very first thread which started the Team ENGLAND ball rolling has been saved from the chop for sentimental reasons, and celebrating the threads which have made the team what they are... BritTarts to be reckoned with! ENGLAND well up - Miss Hyde decides to gush later, Catherine starts singing, and Euphemia - who is having a sh***y day, gets tears in her eyes..... Gusti drinks to past threads, and proves ENGLAND’s philosophy by offering Euphemia a shoulder to cry on...... The team all rally round. Miss Hyde reckons ENGLAND can reach 200 by the C-word, and Yorkie multi-tarts by mourning lost threads and carrying on with the minutiae of the daily grind....... as long as no-one disturbs her whilst drooling over new pics. Euphemia, cheered by the dross churned out by ENGLAND, asks who has done a ‘Kiss for Gerry’ to go in the book which Beth on the KT is organising. It is to be handed to Gerry’s representative at the Colorado Convention. Catherine exhausts herself just listing the tasks she is currently multi-tarting at.... (yes - I know the grammar’s bad!) and Sparkle is glad that she’ll be able to look back at Tina’s very first thread which got the whole ENGLAND thing going. Breila wonders how long the mourning period for departed threads will be, and Yorkie finds hubby handy for pond-clearing duty. Elb forgets ‘A Kiss for Gerry’ and immodestly pimps her own work, while Goffy buys a new lappy to console herself after the threads are deleted. Eeyore snorts, Euphemia offers Elb flowers, and Jo wonders if she can cheat........ Goffy is clueless, Gusti tells her brain no can do, and Sparkle’s already done her bit for Gerry, while Catherine casts nasturtiums on Elbs’ good name...... Yorkie hasn’t a clue either, but is pointed in the right direction by Euphemia, while Eeyore takes the pimp and reads ‘Elbmow’s Oddysey’ as per hintage......... Jo has a new siggy, and abseils further into the Gutler, Goffy threatens more vids courtesy of her new lappy, and Elb resents Catherine’s suggestion that she may have been entertaining strange men in her bedroom........ She merely had two in the rear! Miss Hyde wishes she’d known ENGLAND at TartCon1, and Catherine admits to being too shy to kiss paper. (Heck woo-man! It’s not like it was a frog!?.............) Els is incapable of coherent thought, thanks to JD, and Elb OD’s on bananas, while Miss Hyde is one step ahead of Elb’s warped brain..... Goffy wonders at Catherine’s shyness, and Gusti gets homesick for Scotland. At post 299, Elb issues an ‘End of Thread alert’ but nobody notices, so she goes ahead and sets up the next thread anyway.............Catherine can’t divulge her feelings, even on paper, but Elb can divulge the link for ENGLAND to coast smoothly through to 102......

New thread 102 rubs along nicely for its’ age, and Euphemia likens it to walking on fresh snow...... Goffy is busy reloading her new lappy, and Miss Hyde reaches the end of Elb’s Oddysey - and her tether - and retires to find anything wet........ Euphemia heads off to chill out in a relaxing bath, and Catherine goes to indulge in more criminal activities courtesy of ‘Silent Witness’. Telly-frustrated Elb wonders if it was something she said, as by 9pm, most of ENGLAND have gone! However, Yorkie appears after getting steamed up with pressing matters, Eeyore returns having held herself to account, and Elb confesses in hushed tones to having just bought some new clothes for Mini-Marek......... Wet Els pops in after a weepie, and recommends the soundtracks from both POTC movies to Eeyore, who is in buying mood.... Miss Hyde too thinks the music is awesome, as was seeing the Who on tonight’s Top Gear! She takes her poor sore arms off to bed.......Els is off to test-drive her new sheets, while absent-marbled Elb can’t remember if she celebrated her 5000th post....... In any case, she is chuffed to find she is now 7th highest overall poster, and gives a self-congratulatory WOOT or two....She tries to leave for Abridging, but is enticed back by Eeyore’s sparkly things!

Little Miss (Jackie) acknowledges Team ENGLAND’s selfless sacrifice of their archives for the good of the board, and Snow joins her in mourning. Jo gets her Coke and Kelloggs confoosed, and Eeyore drops the pug and runs......... Snow passes the buck (and pug) to Jo, as it doesn’t look good with her uniform, and ENGLAND settle down for the night.........

ENGLAND 100 plus 1.........

........ - BritTarts head past the realms of the Gutler into Room 101.....

Gusti is in Breakfast Club at crack of unGodly o’clock, and pinches Elb’s waiting coffee. Catherine joins her later, as she is off to a show today, and issues a weather bulletin, while Elb dances in, delighted that Breakfast Club is back to relative normality...... Lazy Gusti can’t be bothered to dance, and Catherine Gergasms with Elb - the first since Glasgee! Slightly hungover Elb complains of leg cramps in the night, and Tina awaits the next weather report, as she’s off to a wedding, while Miss Hyde is not a happy bunny, as she gets another rejection letter and complains about the long-awaited rain because she’s going to a party with a bouncy castle! Eeyore offers her job advice, and Els makes her bed...... literally!

Eeyore goes shopping for her new MP3 player, which she proudly shows off later, and Miss Hyde the Who-lover cheers herself up with a new CD. Goffy celebrates rain in the Wirral, and Barbara speculates on an encounter with Wet Gerry, but has picture problems. She and Goffy discuss their favourite Gerry look, and decide that scruffy is best..... Euphemia arrives, apologetic that she missed Breakfast Club this morning, but she too had connectivity issues.... Jo is with the ‘scruffy is sexy’ bunch, despite marrying a guy in uniform, and stinky Em flomps with lappy and biccies....... Euphemia, having seen the pics Elb posted last night of her catinabox, reckons hers is just as mad, bad and dangerous to know, when tripping out on Catnip...... Everyone shows and tells with their favourite GB pics, Miss Hyde DOESN’T quote a line from Blackadder, and Em reveals her nickname is Baldrick!

Catherine and Parker return semi-triumphant from the dog show, and hurry to catch up with ENGLAND, while Eeyore WOOTs for Parker, and awards the show judge with a white stick, as she thinks he’s beautiful! Euphemia admits to getting twitchy if she doesn’t get a GB.net fix twice a day, and Goffy has a worse habit....... Elb sore-foots it home, and plans to emigrate to the Arctic as a customer tells her England will go into meltdown next week. ENGLAND promptly goes into meltdown, and the Team book places in Elb’s Slutty luggage. Gusti posts a triple whammy of her favourite GB pics, while Elb fancies an Arctic roll with a fur rug and a Butler...... Gusti is feeling better, having rationed her computering, and Eeyore enthuses over her new toy, complete with remote, but Elb can’t see the purpose of a remote when you’re plugged into the thing! Weathergirl Catherine warns that Devon’s downpour is heading elsewhere, and Els shocks her brother with her band’s social intercourse........ Elb thinks about buying her a present, but it’s the thought that counts, so she saves her pennies instead. Gusti is envious of ENGLAND’s toys, and Elb wonders where she’s been peeking, but Gusti’s own ‘tool collection is getting bigger and bigger’.......Goffy the Ant-Killer wants to buy from the CafePress shop, and loves the ‘Got Gerry-juice T-SHITS’......... Elb cracks up....... Jo’s not mellow about yellow, and Goffy the Repentant Ant-Squisher posts a volley of Depp-Spam.... Els uploads the Depperman interview, and Gusti loses all her JD pics and ‘moderates’ Elb, who feigns innocence...... Jo finds her first post in ENGLAND, and way back then, Els suggests a West Country Tart get-together...... Gusti reckons one thing is better than Gerry and ice-cream - Gerry and chocolate mousse! Em says nothing........... The air of innocence doesn’t suit Elb, so she owns up to being guilty of impure thoughts and sends herself off to Art Class over in the KT, where she is joined by equally-impure fellow Glasgeean, Catherine. Goffy supplies Gusti with some compensatory DeppSpam, ENGLAND download Els’ Letterman interview with JD, and she magnanimously finds enough love for both Johnny AND Gerry........ Kiddy-face-painter Em decides she doesn’t LIKE children, while Gusti decides Johnny is the better actor, while Gerry is the better man.... Not so for Goffy and Em - GB is the bees knees on every count!

Eeyore wants a singalong, Em wants to paint Gerry as a giraffe, and Gusti can’t figure out the workings of Elb’s sick and twisted mind.... Goffy sees Gerry as a panda, but Em thinks he’d be a great lion, and Els is pleased that MummyEls likes Johnny too...... Aching Catherine retires early, Eeyore explains remotes to Elb, and Sparkle tells Elb that Sandi Toksvig is a Moleskine-addict too...... Gusti pimps Orly Bloom, but only because he talks about JD, and Elb announces she has asked Regin NOT to delete the first ENGLAND thread, for sentimental reasons. She WOOTs for rain, and is happy in her world, while Eeyore - not a Colin Farrell fan - watches spooky bears..... Gusti gets confoosed with Eeyore’s flying mug terminology, but Goffy explains it, and Gusti reveals that DEPP in German means DORK! Els posts more Dork-a-like clips, and Goffy and Eeyore agree that the world would be verra boring if we all liked the same things. Elb has too much time on her hands, and not much on her brain, and figures that we all like Gerry, so........ ? She reminds ENGLAND ‘Who’ used to dominate Saturday night picspam, and Eeyore tells ENGLAND that Doctor Who will return at that Unmentionable Seasonal Time.... Elb is delighted to have something to actually look forward to at that time of year......

Sad Els returns with the news that one of her favourite authors has died - ENGLAND offer their condolences. All goes quiet and Elb does roll call..... Goffy, Jo and Eeyore are all that are left of Team ENGLAND online....... then Lady Claire has trouble catching up again, and Elb thinks back to this time last week when Clan Paranoia joined ENGLAND from the Novotel in Glasgee. One by one, the remaining members of Team ENGLAND drift off to bed, leaving late-night Eeyore playing with her new toy before she too hits the hay. She sets the table for Breakfast Club and leaves Wulfy on guard over ENGLAND................

ENGLAND’s century rolls on..........

Gusti is up, showered and ready to rock and roll at 4.16am (5.16 her time) and unsurprisingly finds the rest of ENGLAND asleep.... Moderator Regin shows up to make the sombre announcement that ENGLAND threads 1 to 95 will be deleted as requested on Sunday evening. If anyone wants anything from those threads, NOW is the time to get hoovering! Elb shuffles in after the others are gone, and whinges about being alone in BC, as did Gusti. As soon as the weather breaks, she plans to resume attendance at BC ASAP........ Abridged is back up and running, and an hour later, Catherine too moans about the loneliness of ENGLAND first thing in the morning.....

Much later, Jo and Catherine swap laundry stories and discuss the weather, just like Real English People, and Del drops in for a moan about lack of internet at her temporary digs....... Els is once again poorly sick, but on the mend, which accounts for her being chained to the computer once more, and home again Elb yawns her way through the verra short posts since she went to work. Even as she types the word ‘Yawn’, it makes her do just that! Catherine complains of feeling naff, and decides to go Glasgee-spotting on Taggart, while Goffy arrives in a palaver about ants, and Lady Claire fumes about the lack of Gerriness in the “300” article in today’s Empire magazine. Elb reckons Team ENGLAND can get Gerry’s name up in lights if everyone brings their own lightbulb to the premiere.....Els goes into graphic detail with her ickiness, and quotes her favourite line fromPOTC2: "Let's all just get our swords out and start banging away at each other!"....... Goffy likes Shish-Kebabbed Johhny, Els suggests ENGLAND pimp Gerry to Empire, and Gusti the Pirate-no-Longer finds her first post back in February! Els is in the mood for scruff, and Sparkle does a fly-by as she’s on airport-duty, while Em stinks.......... Elb tells Em how to find her first post, and whines about hers and Gusti’s early starts which mean they don’t meet up at Breakfast Club anymore.... Em’s first ENGLAND encounter was with Yorkie, who explained that here in ENGLAND, “we have in-depth, intelligent conversations about world situations, and how best we could help humankind....... NOT!!!!”

Goffy is busy sorting through Gerry’s bits in her lap, and..... ooops - lapTOP, and Miss Hyde spends the afternoon wombling about in the garage.... Em plays “Taxi for Dad!”, and Catherine gets sweaty in the Pooch Parlour, while Gusti gets the HeebieGB’s over ants......She asks her rescuer Gerry to park his white horse outside, as there’s no room indoors! Elb issues a Messy Desk Alert, where Mini-Marek is posing with Moleskines, and evicts her cat from Marek’s box! 4youreyesonly - Barbara, wants to run nekkid in the rain, evoking jeaousy from ENGLAND....for the rain - not running around nekkid in it! Goffy admires Marek’s large pencil - and the wet Gerry pics on which he is recumbent - and Gusti wants a rain dance, while Jo just wants her Marek to act as her office lackey..... She and Goffy talk anticide while Gusti teases with lip-biting pics for Goffy.... Jo has promising news of a B&G screening possibly in September, and tired Gusti talks nonsense, but ENGLAND understands, while Elb goes Elbmit after folk call Noodles cute...... Gusti posts more Gerryspam, and Goffy flips, Catherine thinks G’s sweet, and clumsy Em gets assaulted by giant acorns! Gusti teases with more Gerriness, Els provokes Elb by saying Noodles is a sweetheart and Cathy gets paranoid and sweaty..... Gusti gets wind, Em wants Gerry to blow on her, and Goffy becomes the Exterminator, waging war against invading ants. There is a brief pause while Goffy goes for dinner, and Elb gets a chance to eat her own............ Nimhue drops in again, and promises to chat as ENGLAND seem “a chatty bunch”, and is welcomed by all, and especially by Els who welcomes her in Polish! Elb is impressed, but as Nimhue drops in, Jo drops out, and Els likes a man on his knees.... Elb goes Strictly Ballroom, and Nimhue leaves quickly, while Cathy looks back at her first post and complains that no-one welcomed her, so Elb does a belated welcome. Els admits to being a soppy git, and Gusti doesn’t want Elb’s travelogue to end....... Goffy starts to sing, and Catherine suggests a song for any budding vidders, as she can’t vid..... Gusti is mesmerised by JD, much to the amusement of her colleagues on the train, and Elb tells how she and Catherine both took Dragonfly to Glasgow, and is delighted by Gusti’s compliments on her Travelogue..... Cathy is also pleased at her very belated welcome to the thread, issued by Elb, who wasn’t even around at the time! Euphemia and Yorkie both show up and Yorkie’s boss thinks she’s in midlife crisis after finding Gerry on her phone! Jo loves hers, despite it asking her if she wants coffee, and Catherine’s bosses are used to her phone’s foibles........ Cathy’s sings “Loch Lomond” or MOTN, and Eeyore needs advice on a new MP3 player..... The Exterminator returns, and Catherine thanks ENGLAND for inspiring her to lose weight..........

Marsha shows up in the midst of a chat about mid-life crises, and reckons she’s having one at age 25....... She also announces that she and Mom have booked their tickets to England, arriving in November.... Euphemia denies she’s a ‘loose woo-man’ and needs immoral fibre to loosen her up, while Eeyore invites Marsha to Wales, and Cathy remarks that although ENGLAND is ageless, we all have ‘senior moments’.......Jo’s family are all Butler-obsessed, and Marsha needs reasons to visit Glasgow. Elb plans to give Marsha good reason to visit., but needs sleep, so postpones sending her photos till later. She sends best wishes from connectionless Del, and heads off to bed........ Gusti too departs, and naturally mature Els has muchly strange Ger-dreams. Eeyore is still hunting for MP3 players, and Em is excited to hear Gerry’s name on British TV in Billy Connolly’s programme...Goffy’s ears prick up, and she reveals that like Jo’s hubby, hers is becoming a closet Tartan by pimping B&G at work...... Always-behind-Barbara tells how her first encounter in ENGLAND was with Goffy, and has been browsing old threads before they go, and Goffy and Em hit the Gutler again..........

FINALLY........... Em gets to set up a new thread! ENGLAND 100 plus 1 - BritTarts head past the realms of the Gutler into Room 101.....

Tina is first in, despite needing her beauty sleep (in HER opinion!), and Em and Goffy take things straight down into the Gutler - always the best route..... Tina and Em indulge in tootsie-talk , and Barbara introduces herself to Tina, awed to meet the ‘Founder’ of the ENGLAND madness. Tina describes how ENGLAND began as a prim and proper tea-party, but after numbers swelled, all sense of decorum went out the virtual window, and ENGLAND in the Gutler was born........ She departs for bed leaving a warm fuzzy feeling behind...... Barbara is instructed in ENGLAND’s close-down routine by Jo, who is glad to delegate pug-walking duties, and ENGLAND’s shift is finally over.........

ABRIDGED IS BACK.......ENGLAND HITS A CENTURY!

.............BritTarts celebrate their 100th thread by talking up a storm!

The beginning of thread 100 seems a suitable place to start Abridging once more, and Elb takes the bull by the horns and posts up the 100th thread title. Her opening post thanks Gerry for inspiring ENGLAND to reach the dizzy heights, and Goffy seconds the emotion. Everyone reminisces about when they joined, and Goffy remembers that it was Elb who told her she had come to the wrong place if she wanted a serious discussion on the Butler! Jo was a relative late-comer, joining around 60, and shy Yorkie reveals that her joining anniversary is next month, although she had lurked for some months beforehand..... Marsha only posted as a visitor to ENGLAND 74 posts ago, but stayed, and Goffy posts up her original tongue-in-cheek welcome from Elb all those moons ago! Eeyore was welcomed by Catherine, and Elb was cheeky as per usual, enquiring after Rabbit’s Friends and Relations!

ENGLAND falls quiet and all is peaceful until earlybird Elb creeps back into the thread at 5.30 am before work. She warns that the pre-95 threads are about to be deleted, so if anyone wants to keep anything from the old ones, do it now......... This freaks Kelli out when she drops in to congratulate ENGLAND on their Century, but Catherine explains that it is a voluntary thing, and that the KT is safe... Lady Claire Mark 1 also adds her congratulations and her thanks for a warm welcome, and Evangelia seconds the motion. Em gets historical, and Miss Hyde gives her own potted history on the threads while Jo’s past is murky........ Del announces she is now connectionless, as she is moving this weekend and threatens to stay in touch via text. Em, Evangelia and Jo are Laydeez wot Lunch, and Evangelia feels out of the loop, which serves her right for going on holiday! Em and Evangelia talk Greek, and she tells of B&G being withdrawn from Greek cinemas.... Jo thinks the film is cursed....... Catherine joins in with the Greek Tourist Board, and reassures Miss Hyde that our post counts won’t be affected by the impending demise of ENGLAND’s earlier threads.....Goffy can only remember swear words in Greek, and Em refuses to post pics of her new hair colour as she is without warpaint, while Evangelia, Catherine and Goffy sing “It’s a Small World”..... Em wants to be rid of her accent, Goffy takes her frutration out on Rapidshare, and Lady Claire Mark 2 remembers back to her first time on ENGLAND, all of one thread ago!

Nimhue drops in with conga rats from Poland, and Elb announces that her witterings re Glasgow have reached the terminus, so she’s off out to see POTC2.......... The team talk football, scratch their bums and belch.... Okay - so they just talk football. Gusti makes a welcome reappearance, no longer looking like a pirate, but still rationing her online time, as her eye is hurting and she has just started her new job. Catherine feels sick again, but admits to having a large portion, and everyone is glad to ‘see’ Gusti! Euphemia is on the Instant Migraine diet of red wine and chocolate, and thinks ENGLAND deserve a medal for selflessly nattering for Queen and country, while Gusti thanks ENGLAND for their concern. The WOOTs are dusted off for Goffy’s 4000th post, and the hugs come out for Euphemia, who’s having a bad time.... Goffy offers ‘Hunt the Nessie’ as consolation, while Catherine makes a Churchillian speech before retiring to a darkened room to smoke a cigar.... Sparkle WOOTs for a century, and Cathy celebrates having a G dream by sitting in a puddle.... Goffy too dreams of Gerry, but wakes up before he can demonstrate on her how he copes with love scenes..... Gusti gets new rhythm and goes to bed early, while Sparkle WOOTs for Goffy’s 4k, and her own 600 last night, and tells of cracking storms which threatened to sink Milton Keynes. Cathy asks Gerry to make his 3am coincide with her 4am, while Goffy gets the hots for some Gerry-bashing.... Tina stops by to marvel at how her baby has grown - she started the first ENGLAND thread, and now it’s 100! Eeyore has a strangely romantic day and gets winked at, chatted up and proposed to, Catherine compiles fanvids, and Cathy gets ideas.... Late arrival Yorkie asks too many questions, fmakes herself comfy in the Gutler and calls Goffy a gasbag. (How to win friends and influence people?) Amnesiac Eeyore forgets to WOOT, and Cathy posts picspam in the hope of generating another Ger-dream..... Catherine, in danger of a red card, goes to bed with a warm and fuzzy feeling, while Elb posts her potted review of POTC2.... This provokes drooling for Depp and Dirty Davenport and Em remarks that “even covered in poo, he’s still do-able”..... Elb says much the same, but decides to red-card herself, while Jo causes a stir over on her friend’s forum by deleting Gerry! Yorkie returns to discover everyone has gone to bed, and talks to herself as she puts the cat out, and tidies up in ENGLAND before heading off to bed herself........ Jo, still lurking, wishes ENGLAND good night...... and good morning, as she won’t be in to Breakfast Club, and ENGLAND is finally asnore.....................

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT....

We regret to announce a temporary loss of service while the Official Team Blogger is away conducting vital research on behalf of Team ENGLAND............... Normal service will be resumed on her return, once the hangover has cleared.

I thank you.

ENGLAND 96...”He’s coming home, he’s coming home - Wulfy’s coming home...”

Earlybird Elb again pops in to get a quick if lonely fix at deserted Breakfast Club before she goes to work, disappointed that nothing of importance popped up in her dreams.... She assures ENGLAND that she WILL complete the previous day’s Abridging later in the day. Catherine is up next after dealing with dodgy doggies’ doodahs, but still finds time to spark up a new thread and Gusti apologises for premature articulation, as she posts on the new thread ahead of schedule, but recommends a must-see for the Highland-bound BritTarts..... Poorly Jo suffers from kidney troubles, and is given plenty of advice by the ENGLAND surgery where you never wait for an appointment! Del can’t find anything on her messy desk, so asks for the visiting Tarts’ schedule again, Gusti gets her life into gear for her new business, and wants to hug everyone as she is so excited! She and Del gossip on past the 300 post, and Catherine drops a gentle reminder that the new thread is open for business.....

Over on ”He’s coming home, he’s coming home - Wulfy’s coming home...” (- Awaiting their Beowulf DVDs, BritTarts remember England losing....again.......) Jo is feeling a tad better, and Catherine wants to lie on laminate to cool off, but her boss may object! All is quiet in ENGLAND 96 until Elb bounds in for her 11 o’clock ‘lunchtime’ at work, then Del posts from school and Gusti breezes in at proper lunchtime to announce that she is now the proud owner of her own business! Jo has trouble Yahooing, which Catherine confirms, as she too cannot Yahoo......Del blames the heat....

There are intermittent problems with the site, and so it’s some three hours later when Elb gets in and relates events in her day to find she’s talking to herself...... Catherine drops in to procrastinate, Cathy has a cool secret but won’t tell, and Del gives political discussionists both barrels of a feminist viewpoint. Sparkle is jealous of her friend’s premature Gerdreams, and sweet-eating Goffy is boiled alive while Jo’s internet is topsy-turvy, if at all! Catherine discusses hers and Elb’s imminent Tarting About Trip, while the others are envious of the scouting party and demand pictures on their return! Euphemia is apoplectic after terminal problems with her PC, Del’s too is acting up, and Yorkie joins the ranks of sweetie-munchers.....Cathy buys a magnifier to see where she’s been, and goes Earth-Googling..... Everyone seems to be experiencing problems in one form or another, blaming the weather for want of a better explanation. Elb warns the confectionary club of impending dentistry whilst hypocritically sucking minty balls and ponders on the possible causes for the site’s instability..... Euphemia enquires after Elb’s minty balls, fearing for her sanity, and Hot-Stuff Eeyore is in heaven at work, with a fan one side and Gorgeous Gareth the other.....Yorkie gets a complex and is waylaid while looking for Fireman Spam - she too Googles Earth and retraces Team ENGLAND’s steps in London, while Confused of Mitcham finds a kindred spirit in self-confessed technical eejit Yorkie. Goffy lights up blue, and Elb alters the course of Google Earth, sparking fears that everyone will fall off, but finds time amongst global catastrophe to post a link to Fireman Spam for mate Yorkie...

Gracie can’t even spell “pooter ilitrate”, so treats herself to dreams of Drac in advance of impending in-laws, and Gusti hopes her Mr T isn’t the one from the ‘A-Team’ as Elb suspects....... Goffy gives Drac-Gerry freedom to bite anytime, any place, anywhere.....(that’s Martini.......) Cathy gets up close and personal just to feel anything, but carries on Googling, while Yorkie achieves a technological breakthrough by importing a quote from the previous thread and spreading inflammatory rumours about burning underpants......... Cathy has delayed-action giggles, Del’s had one of those days and slopes off to bed, while thoughtful Eeyore wishes long-time absentee from ENGLAND, Jessey a happy birthday, and Breila a happy one-year GB.net anniversary! Gracie does her homework and goes Wulfy-hunting to watch him strip, and Elb rewards her dedication with a picture of Dracula showing that he too visits the dentist for fang-filling..... Cathy circumnavigates the world from her computer chair, and Eeyore wistfully Googles her old house, while Tina wishes the Intrepid Paranoia Triplets well on their jaunt to represent Team ENGLAND. Yorkie promotes Google Earth as the best way to travel without flying, and Goffy has a rare thought. Tina thinks she’s upset folk because no-one says hello, so ENGLAND hastily correct their bad manners and Gusti gets paranoid about booking rooms for TartCon2........... Gracie points out that Gogle Earth doesn’t need sick bags - a fact which Elb disputes - and is pointed in the right direction for Wulfy’s striptease by a volley of links......Tina does Pocahontas, while Jo posts help for Gusti in looking for rooms, and Del threatens to squish the Glasgee Three.....

Yorkie contemplates becoming a Scot as she spends so much time there, Catherine retires as she must be up at unGodly o’clock tomorrow, and Gracie wonders about a drool bib for watching Gerry get it off. Elb suggests a defibrillator on standby..... Team ENGLAND bids goodbye and good luck to those off to Glasgow for the weekend, Goffy suggests a list to help match up roommates for TartCon2, and Gracie returns incandescent with rage that she can only get partway through stripping..... Ever-helpful Goffy posts a Youtube link instead, and Quicktime links for Jan who STILL can’t see Wulfy’s Y-fronts.... Tina decides to dance nekkid round her garden in an effort to cool off, but but changes her mind, Gracie is back after boggling at Butler’s Big Black Box, and is duly impressed, and joins Tina in not dancing nekkid in the garden for fear of gnome-scaring............ Tina fears she may not force her wobbly bits into a prematurely purchased outfit for TartCon2, so she and Gusti plan a bank heist to pay for party gear, while Goffy tells Gracie that Em is away at a gig and joins the Fund-a-Frock bank job mob. Tina suggests a shindig while the Glasgee Three are away and frustrated Yorkie appears to be the ONLY person in the known universe who hasn’t viewed Gerard Butler’s shitty Y-fronts.... Distracted by Wulfy’s woffling, Jo bids goodnight, Goffy tries to help Yorkie’s mission to see mucky pants, and finally, FINALLY Yorkie has lift-off........

SHE CAN SEE THE SH*TTY Y-FRONTS!!!!!!!!! *cue heavenly chorus*

ENGLAND can at last sleep easily..............

ENGLAND 95: The temperature soars still higher...

Elb shuffles in on early shift, having got up at 5 as her work have changed hours to take advantage of the cooler morning weather. She grouses about family trouble last night, and didn’t mince words with her sister’s partner, then heads off to get to work for 6am..... Gusti gets into BC not long after, and sympathising with now departed Elb, recounts her experiences with online dating services. Catherine is next on parade, having got a day off, and Gusti thanks ENGLAND for their good wishes yesterday... She hits 2000 posts, and Catherine draws attention to the Wrath of Gods site which asks if anyone is interested in the DVD featuring Wulfy’s strip....... Stupid question! Gusti heads out to face her bosses, Del pokes her head in and Blu meets Gerard who prefers being called Gerry, but not THE Gerry.... Catherine starts off the birthday wishes for Marsha, followed by Els and Elb, who posts from work at lunchtime - at 11.30! She reports gleefully that Wulfy has just turned up at work......

Laydee of Leisure Em has a fabbo day out with friend, non-whinger Blu too feels the heat, and Goffy and Del have taken root in front of the fan.....Els wants rid of her white bits but has to bare with it indoors, and Jo wonders if the Wrath of Gods documentary will be sans box..... Philosophical birthday girl Marsha turns up to thank ENGLAND for the good wishes, and Pennsylvanian Del votes for iced tea every time.... Down in Devon, life gets breezy for Catherine and Em thinks glaucoma’s a git, but such is life...Loubylou seems destined to stay put after no job news, but promises more playtime with ENGLAND soon.

Earlybird Elb goes all Elbmit over the arrival of her new washer and goes loony over laundry, then departs for work once more but for pleasure not business, as it is Hunky Firemen Night..... Euphemia arrives with profound apologies for her non-attendance at BC this morning as she had lost her connection, Berenise wilts while her dog has wind, and leaking Jo too has problems with her log..... Euphemia thinks it’s too hot to think.... so how did she actually think THAT?? Sparkle implements stage two of Operation Tart Conversion by forcing her friend to listen to Gerry’s singing, and Cathy gets breezy with Jamie, while Berenise pimps him to her friend. Tina wilts, and namedrops Gerry, David and Nigel, while Marsha gets laughed at by Auntie for doing the same.......

Yorkie twiddles her thumbs in quiet ENGLAND until Gracie comes out to play, but she abandons her in favour of telly, and Catherine and Del are in and out, while Euphemia throws in the towel for a shower....... Cathy ponders that going senile means getting fitter, and Eeyore grumbles about no air-con, but is compensated by Gorgeous Gareth in shorts.... Jo has trouble with the weather, the site, and clumsy daughters, Gracie too forgets what she went upstairs for, but remembers that her in-laws are coming for a fortnight - a fact she’d rather forget! Catherine thinks it’s raining sprinklers and much of ENGLAND retire early due to the heat....Yorkie finds people in ENGLAND at last, but no Gerry to her disappointment, and senile ENGLAND batten down the hatches in advance of impending storms... Gusti is in good spirits after resigning goes better than hoped, and she has another chat-athon with the mysterious Mr T....... Eeyore bemoans the lack of plastic, which means she’ll never know what her online flirt said to her, and after adding her congratulations to Gusti, Yorkie departs in preparation for a secret early-morning assignation...Cathy continues the senility debate, uncertain whether she’d been or not and leaves her head out of her morning ablutions.... Gracie hopes her Mother-in-Law is better-tempered, and asks who Mr T is, completely oblivious to passing 1000 posts...Eeyore and Jo immediately launch the WOOTs, and Gusti explains how she found Mr T on a singles site, and is to finally meet him on Sunday.

Elb gets back from playing with the Big Boys, and launches Fireman spam..... Jo envies Eeyore’s heavenly trip round a new stationery store, and goes green at the sight of Elb’s sister held aloft by hunky firemen! Gusti congratulates Elb on the advent of her new washing machine, and declares it a day for WOOTing....Jo agrees and WOOTs prematurely for Cathy, belatedly for Gusti’s 2000th and doubles it as she can now see sigs and notifications! Eeyore admits she too is a stationery addict, and Cathy takes a photo of her messy drawers, while over-excited Elb posts yet more fireman-spam, including her own personal firefighter with and without kit! Gusti feels her new job deserves new stationery, and Cathy, Gracie and Eeyore want to order their own firemen from a catalogue. With or without firemen, Cathy declares it as the hottest July day on record, Elb wonders what she’s missed after an eventful day, and Gusti has high hopes for Scotland-loving Mr T! Goffy arrives after a struggle, and enters the WOOTing frenzy, although it’s far too hot to WOOT..... Elb threatens to turn into the Incredible Elbmit-Hulk, so ENGLAND decide not to rile her, and Gracie can’t move Scotland from her pooter to her Photobucket, while Goffy and restless Tina are well impressed that the wondrous Mr T can converse for 4 hours at a stretch!

Jo worries about crumpled Gerry on a clip from BOAW, and Goffy looks forward to tearful Gerry, but her in-laws are out-laws, while late-night Elb issues weather warnings, and a Late Abridged warning before turning in for the very short night.....Gracie wonders if we’ll see Gerry on Wossy when BOAW opens, and wishes Elb Wet Wulfy dreams....... The remaining ENGLAND stalwarts sign out, and ENGLAND sleep uneasily in the sultry night..............

ENGLAND 95: The temperature soars! BritTarts get steamed-up over bare Beowulf!

Euphemia, blissfully unaware of the humdinger of a storm that had raged through her thread last night, is first up for Breakfast Club, and is joined swiftly by sore-throated Elb, and bruised Catherine...... Catherine anticipates a somewhat fragrant day at work, Euphemia promises to learn texting (and how to Switch Her Phone On) and Gusti WOOTs for Goffy, who has made it onto the front page of GB.net with the link for Wulfy wiggling out of his wetsuit! Catherine paints a charming picture of her odoriferous boss who economises somewhat on detergent, deodorant and decorum, and ENGLAND are all behind Gusti as she is nervous about the interview today. Del, unable to sleep last night, has packed up the first load of books to ditch, and muses over what little there is to show of her life.... Euphemia quotes Kipling, which causes Elb to google, then marvel in Yoda-speak about how educational GB.net can be, and Jo too gets poetic, but has to have another cold shower afterwards..... Del’s time in Scotland is reduced to one box of books (Moleskines included) and her computer.....Catherine wants to cover already-delicious Gerry in raspberry sorbet, and has a quick Kipple herself, while Euphemia holds a tea party for one..... Del turns up the temperature again by posting screencaps of nearly-nekkid Wulfy, and Elb suffers from le Petit Mort. Catherine espouses over the unlikely but Gergasmic effect of an itchy bloke in shitty Y-fronts, gagging for a fag...... Jo has to explain the pictures to her sprogs, and Del gets Lost scriptwriting again.....

Cathy has finally got to watch the Wulfy Wetsuit vid and apologises unnecessarily for spitting her dummy last night when denied access to the delights of Y-frontage, Sparkle returns to a Wulfy welcome, and Els works hard in the office watching Butler booty and that little knobbly bit on his spine...... Del makes her incoherent with Cap’n Jackitude and Deppness, then goes and Blooming spoils it.... Els wonders idly if Channel Four’s Tommy Tank-athon will be a spectator sport, and Goffy dishes up the red cards... Bored Els has oceanic fantasies, Goffy gets seasick and ENGLAND’s thermostat is up and down like a yo-yo with Del’s hot and cold pics. Euphemia melts, and Elb has good and bad news: she will be working 6 till 2 during the heatwave, which means she will have her afternoons free, but will miss her Breakfast Club fix ...... However, her days of stomping on her smalls are over, with the anticipated delivery of a new washer..... Euphemia and Goffy commiserate, and Tina needs Del’s fan as temperatures have risen with recent picspam.... Euphemia learns to text, and threatens to send Elb another at 3am, while Tina fancies racing Longships. Catherine worries about an Elbless breakfast, and Jo slips off for a tad more than the allotted forty winks..... Els sniggers over Tina’s Longships comment and falls into the Gutler, Elb’s early start has further repercussions blog-wise, and Goffy hasn’t noticed that she’s got a mention on the front page of GB.net!

Gusti arrives with a Big Announcement..... she too will be absent from Breakfast Club, but for longer than Elb, as she has GOT HER PROJECT! Team ENGLAND rally round with much WOOTing, and congratulate Gusti on her success, Euphemia misses Els’ earlier references to smut, and Goffy tries to forget.... She modestly gives Jo the credit for the Wet Wulfy vid, and Elb berates Els for taxing the Abridgement with her very smutty but very quotable post.... Els hangs her head in shame... Gusti learns what Y-fronts are, and stifles comments about the Barclays Bankathon as Euphemia delicately phrases it..... Euphemia wonders how on earth it can last an hour, then decides she doesn’t WANT to know! Berenise is home alone but has a fan, and Cathy starts off calmer but works herself into a tizzy wanting to see Wulfy’s Y-fronts, but is somewhat placated by the news that he is wending his weary, Y-fronted way towards her...... Elb compares sexy blue boxers with grungy white Y-fronts, and finds the latter sadly lacking, despite their content, while Cathy disagrees and Goffy gets in a flap....... Gusti heads out early after an emotionally-draining day, and Catherine points out to Elb that the grungy white pants wouldn’t stay ON him for long, so their sexiness - or lack thereof - is irrelevant! Tina posts some twee Tennant-Tottiness and Elb points out his spindly shanks, then is reminded of King Hrothgar’s lack of undies in B&G by Catherine.... She conjures up memories of Wulfy’s much nicer contours to compensate, then mysteriously vanishes..... Yorkie walks in on the conversation and regrets not having read previous posts....Goffy fancies ironing kinks out of chainmail, and Yorkie retracts previous ironing confessions to declare she never irons anything kinky or mail, but is more than amenable to press Wulfy’s undercrackers....... Dicky-tummed Del is up for anything, Goffy’s mind goes AWOL, and Cathy wants to help Wulfy out of his chainmail (with a tin opener?) Jo returns after her winks, and suggests that the inconvenient black box may have been in case of fallout, while Yorkie dreams of Wulfy OUT of chainmail rather than IN it....
Sparkle turns up with a strange cooling down technique learned at yoga, and pokes her tongue out at everyone..... ENGLAND obviously takes umbrage, and almost everyone disappears by the time Eeyore turns up. She’s relieved that Elb’s cat turned up, but narked about the online dating stitch-up, Jo pokes her tongue out which sends Goffy off to bed, and Elb returns from dealing with a family crisis..... Jo tries to help Eeyore’s dating dilemma, but finds out for herself that there’s no such thing as a free iPod, and Eeyore’s mind visits the Gutler before bed......

Elb bemoans the fact that she has to be up at 5 o’clock, and errant pussy safely indoors, heads for bed.....

ENGLAND 94 - BritTarts finally open Chunnel from GB to GB....

Bewildered Catherine is first in on a bright, sunny morning, and groggy Elb trails along behind..... Catherine has mislaid her weekend somewhere, while Elb is lacking in sleep, marbles, and coffee. She complains her get-up-and-go has got up and gone, so is prescribed a therapeutic trip to Glasgow by Nurse Catherine.... Jo arrives after not being able to climb aboard the BritTart bus last night, and garrulous Gusti oversleeps after a marathon chinwag with a MAN!!! Catherine anticipates Yankee Doodle Wulfy, and Gusti is all warm and fuzzy, despite a headache and having to go to work....

Jo monitors her Wulfy’s Wanderings, Els contemplates making Jack earn his keep, and Breila brags about doing a fortnight’s intensive vacationing...... Miss Hyde spends time in the Real World, and ends up in the Caribbean with pirates yet again! Bjorn-again Els fancies Bjorn. Again. Del is apparently in a different time zone to the rest of ENGLAND, and Els feels weird about her long-distance friend, then gets no-nonsense advice from Blu, while Breila conjures up holiday pictures with descriptions of fresh raspberries and ice cream, siestas and lunch with Mum. Wandering Wulfy arrives Chez Jo, but she waits till she’s cooled down before getting hot under the collar again... Del gets in a lather about the logistics of moving her mountain of Moleskines, and Em provides temporary distraction with plans to visit the seaside. Elb takes so long over her post that Goffy, Euphemia and Catherine have time to check in, kick off their shoes and chill out before she finally posts..... then has to go back and edit, just to include everyone! Jo teases ENGLAND by reporting what’s going on in her brand spanking new edition of B&G, and Elb is a Gog, but doesn’t actually know what one is......... Gusti is still warm, fuzzy and bouncy, while Elb is disgustingly over-eager to find out if Gerry gets his kit off in the extras as promised by Sturla..... Goffy’s ears prick up and she is off to Amazon before you can say “frozen popsicles”........ I said POPSICLES, people!

Berenise roasts in her scorchio office, and books an alarm call from Jo in case anything significant pops up in the B&G extras.......It appears that the entire Team ENGLAND plans to fly out to visit Gusti, so she may have to become a tour guide for Vienna....... Jo grimly pores through the extras, conducting Important Research on behalf of ENGLAND, and informs Elb that a Gog is a Taffy from northern parts..... Del offers her surplus reading material to visiting BritTarts, and Gusti warns ENGLAND that she’ll only be available for tours at weekends.... Gently steaming Els returns from band practise with the happy news that it is set to get MORE scorchio, and Voice of Doom Miss Hyde confirms that the heatwave is to become a frantic furnace, while Elb fears that she and Catherine will be fried alive if predicted storms occur whilst they are airborne in a metal tube...... Els tries to distract ENGLAND with joint Depp & Tennant spam, but Jo interjects with Wulfy-commentary as he takes off the wetsuit, and......the screen fades to black! ENGLAND are NOT amused......

ENGLAND turn Tourist Board again, and everyone advises Em on the best beaches for her day out tomorrow.... Catherine checks the weather forecast to grumpily discover that she and Elb will get slightly soggy in Glasgow, while Elb WOOTs because she hates the heat.... Del gets further depressed and ENGLAND try to cheer her up to no avail. The Beowulfast Two will be treating Glasgow to a double whammy of ‘distressed hedgehog’ haircuts, and Elb has been perfecting the patented flying nerves calming technique...... Berenise (and hubby) hope there aren’t storms, as they have to hide downstairs....... then Jo creates one in ENGLAND by posting screencaps of the very short Wulfy De-wetsuiting Sequence......

Team ENGLAND thunk as one........

The thread moves into warp drive, and it’s rapidly decided that the topless, shaggy haired look is a definite winner........ until Goffy investigates the website plastered across Nekkid Wulfy’s chest.

HOLD THE PHONE!!!!!!!!!!

The entire getting-his-kit-off sequence is featured on www.wrathofgods.com and ENGLAND waste no time in hurtling over there to watch Gerry strip off down to “shitty Y-fronts” as he himself proclaims...... but as one, ENGLAND roar in frustration when a discreet but sizeable black box pops up to protect Mr B’s modesty. Tina has palpitations and does a seven-Thudder, and Elb’s brain explodes as she realises just how BIG the modesty box is........ Em sends out a Mayday call - ENGLAND is going down, and needs to find the black box! Els needs resuscitation, and the Team in general have come over all unneccessary...... Goffy leads the singalong as ENGLAND plummet rapidly “Down Once More...” into the Gutler, with Del cannon-balling ahead of everyone, buoyed up by the fact that the Leaning Tower of Moleskine has appeared on the front page of Moleskinerie.com...... Jo begins a campaign to ‘See Wulfy’s Y-Fronts’, once she twigs that the box was added AFTER the video was made...... Poor Cathy can’t see the video and resorts to her imagination, while Elb texts Yorkie to spread the good news! Frustrated Gusti watches the wrong vid by mistake, and armed with chocolate and Pepsi, Del feels able to face the world again..... Gusti eventually watches the right video, and is temporarily Out of Order, chocolate is declared Dish of the Day after Nekkid Gerry, and Del feeds Elb’s stationery addiction... Breila takes a dip in the Gutler, and Gusti, Del and Elb discuss going to Iceland - or not, as it is prohibitively expensive.... Del has rodent trouble and heads off to clean up mouse mess, Breila’s computer obligingly freezes in interesting moments, and everyone loves Stretchy Gerry.... Catherine and Els suggest Elb should write for the new fan event section in Messages for Gerry, and Elb asks for more hours in the day, while Breila drools over Gerry’s ‘bedroom eyes’. The rest of ENGLAND get gooey over Gerry the Sleepy, and Breila Officially runs out of words to describe Our Hero: he’s Just Gerry! Em returns after dealing with a minor neighbourly emergency, and Eeyore stuns everyone with a triple thud/thunk/WOOT combo........ ENGLAND awards a perfect 6.......... She is enjoying her new position at work - next to Gorgeous Gareth, but has to be careful what she says online in case he reads over her shoulder! She also asks for advice on whether to respond to flirtatious online advances.... General opinion is to proceed with caution, so Eeyore promptly flirts back with a get-out clause! Goffy does a Wulfy wallpaper featuring scenes from tonight’s vid, but Jo complains that the black box is still in evidence! Eeyore thinks Elb is lurking in order to avoid threadstarting, whereas in reality, she is yakking on the phone to Yorkie, whose internet is down AGAIN, and at the most inconvenient time.....She can’t see nearly nekkid Wulfy! Fortunately, Elb, being the control freak that she is, has already prepared a new thread earlier, and hoists it up as Thread 93 fills up to the very brim.....

ENGLAND 95: The temperature soars! BritTarts get steamed-up over bare Beowulf! is next up to pay tribute to the events of the night.......... Everyone needs a dip in the Gutler to cool down, and Elb can’t find her pussy who has gone AWOL... She resorts to wandering round the neighbourhood in search of foo-kin cat but to no avail. Jo posts another Green Day ‘mash-up’ to take Elb’s mind off her missing Noodles, but puss returns to Elb’s relief and detriment, and ENGLAND head for bed, after a final postscript from Elb to WOOT once more for Wulfy, as he is now wending his weary way Weevil-wards......

ENGLAND steams gently into the good night..............

ENGLAND 93: Blow harder! (There’s enough hot air in ENGLAND, isn’t there?)

Catherine is up extra-early for a solitary stint in Breakfast Club, as she is off to another show, and it’s a more civilised hour when Gusti and Tina arrive. Gusti enjoys the final day of her holiday, while Tina multi-tarts, and lazy Elb finally surfaces. Conversation turns to careers, and Gusti nervously anticipates a new project, Tina is off on a management course, and Elb decides that too much work is a bad thing....Euphemia tells how Life prevented her from going to Uni, while Tina wanted to study Theatre and Performing Arts...ENGLAND get wistful, but are jolted out of reminiscing when Elb reports that Catherine and Parker have done well, and are stuffing ice cream..... Elb decides it’s time for her hoover’s annual outing, Eeyore has trouble seeing Gerry, and Del’s Leaning Tower of Moleskine gets published.... Jo advises Eeyore to give Gerry’s 300 a rest, and ENGLAND wilt in the heat.

Elb grumbles that BabyElb is about to disturb her peaceful Sunday, and is obliged to endure an afternoon of wedding-dress hunting on HER computer! Euphemia issues an End of Thread alert, Eeyore and Del keep their cool and Gusti slaves over a hot computer sorting photos..... Jo plays poker with Gerry whilst musing over Dysoning, and Del decides to tackle the mammoth task of cleaning her desk! Tickled by Jo’s references re vacuuming, Euphemia reckons she’s a Dirty Devil Gusti is confoosed by Del’s Flickr, and Del prefers to stay incognito, and the end of thread 93 looms...............

Euphemia steams to the rescue and starts ENGLAND 94 - BritTarts finally open Chunnel from GB to GB.... which lets clamouring ENGLAND in from the scorchio heat of the Real World.... Ice lollies are dished out, and long-term absentee Gracie makes a welcome reappearance, feeling like a newbie, but soon gets her feet under the table again.... The Polar ice cap depletes rapidly as ENGLAND down ice pole after pole..... Catherine and Parker return early after a successful day at the show, and chargrilled Em has fun with Mikey Ball...... Eeyore splices DVDs, and twitchy Elb finally wrestles her computer back from BabyElb to catch up with ENGLAND, only for the site to crash yet again....... When everyone FINALLY gets back on, ENGLAND indulge in a mass-rant about connectivity, and Gracie explains her long absence as an addiction to Ant & Dec..... Regarding Gracie suspiciously, Elb uses the time offsite to compose a piece for her Other Blog - about her newfound addiction to Moleskines. ENGLAND give her a wide berth.... Gracie wants to pack up and travel in a lottery-funded Winnibego, and Tina mulls over the loss of her favourite TV shows....

Still beset by connection problems, Tina moonlights over at Tennant.com, while Del cheats over at Viggo Mortensen’s gaff. Eeyore does her toes, and Elb throws a hissy fit because she has forgotten that ‘Top Gear’ has returned after the World Cup..... Shortly after watching the remainder of her favourite TV programme, the site too throws a hissy fit and boots everyone off again. Sporadic posting resumes when the site allows - Catherine departs as she was on Very Early Breakfast Club Duty, and the Twins send a verbal postcard from Costa del West Country..... Del has hysterics over Top Gear, Eeyore posts the results of her afternoon’s handiwork, and Yorkie eventually chips through the block to get into ENGLAND. She has missed an entire thread, despite only being AWOL for a day.... Em is hot and sticky and has been poked by hot and sticky children all day - small wonder she “cannae be arsed” to go back and catch up! Hot and sticky Elb has been trying to catch up with TWO threads and blog them the while, and Yorkie has been supporting local causes by forcing herself to scoff sticky cake in the heat! Elb asks for technical help and gets it in the form of Goffiness, while Jo stomps off to dream of getting wet with ice cream.... Goffy gets another stripe, Em wants spots, and Eeyore’s private....Yorkie’s hubby takes her for a walk in the dark near water, but she runs away before he can give her a push.... She and Elb make plans to invade the Scots, Eeyore sulks about rank, and Em informs Team ENGLAND that friend Sarah is now a member of the Glitterati too! (And wasn’t warned about impending sparkles.....) Elb (after Goffy’s tech help) posts a link to a Doc Who/Green Day/Glitter ‘mash-up’ which gets Eeyore dancing.... Yorkie makes a stirring speech, but is Generally afraid of everything, bringing disrepute to her rank before she’s even taken it, and Els rushes in after being Bjorn Again at a picnic....Eeyore heads off to bed to ready herself for a day beside gorgeous Gareth, Yorkie faces her fears armed only with a piece of ham, and Elb ponders deep and meaningful questions before putting the thread to bed......

Shock, horror! Blogger takes time out....!

Okay - so I need a wee breakette from blogging, as evidenced by the longer ravings which are appearing.
So, just for today, I'm having the day off, and will launch back into it on Sunday.........
I'm sure you can manage to read a day's postings, seeing as it's the weekend?

Normal (?) service will be resumed as soon as possible......


I thank you.

ENGLAND 92: Just Keep Blowing! (only another 7 red balloons to go....)

Euphemia gets ENGLAND out of bed and into action with a breezy good morning. Elb, arriving at Breakfast Club some 30 minutes later, is deeply suspicious of anyone who is that chipper so early.... Catherine completes the trio, but whizzes off to catch up while Elb gets domesticated in preparation for the impending arrival of the Lovely Plumbing Duncan. Catherine prepares for another show with Tam and Parker, but dreads hanging around on a scorchio day.... Euphemia too gets down and dirty with her chores, and Elb realises she’s under-dressed for visiting tradesmen... Jo’s over-excited about incoming Wulfiness, Catherine rambles about dogs camping it up, and gets outbid on eBay. Els is exhausted after a night with her new pirate-lust, and Gusti WOOTs for Em even before coffee.

Breila watches dejectedly as the lining of Phanty’s cloak slips beyond her bank balance, and Blu and Yorkie pass like ships in the lunchtime...... Em begins to regret being a Laydee of Leisure when her bum hurts, and Del and Goffy meet up for afternoon tea.... Jo tracks Wulfy’s wanderings, and worries about quarantining ponies and declaring Viking contraband, while Em falls asleep in the sun and wakes up looking like Neapolitan ice cream... Del advises cold teabags on her sore arm, while Elb suggests dyeing the other arm with cold tea instead.... Els is a happy Sparrow as she finds 18 inches of Johnny lying in wait for her after work, and plans to take him touring naval dockyards for illicit piccies..... Envious Miss Hyde wants more than 18 inches, but can’t raise the dubloons, and Sparkle plays with her latest mini-toy. (size isn’t everything....) Elb is easily pleased, and admires the pristine porcelain affixed by just plumb-lovely Duncan, before realising how sad that is, and posts an even sadder photo of her favourite tiny gadgets with accompanying Post-Its, not realising it will lead to Desk Wars..... Del issues a Messy Desk challenge, and Elb takes up the gauntlet... Sparkle feels inadequate after Breila boasts of 6 gigabytes of iPodness, but can only handle one GB at a time.... If only........... Eeyore enters the ENGLAND asylum to announce that she has moved her drawers next to Gareth’s, and makes Sparkle drool over a standalone stationery Smiths in Bangor........

There is no hope for ENGLAND at this point.

Meanwhile, Elb fires the first salvo in Messy Desk Wars, and is somewhat concerned over Eeyore’s whirlwind romance with Gareth’s drawers. Breila sharpens pencils for a bouquet, and Em doesn’t know what she’s letting herself in for.... Breila is about to hit 500 and asks for a question to push her over the edge.... Elb, having already gone over the edge, feels she is fully qualified to help... Em dashes off to takes pics of her favourite things, while disgruntled Catherine posts a pic of one of hers - Parker in show pose with unsmiling owner....... Del posts the Leaning Tower of Moleskine, Jo is also concerned over Gareth’s drawers, and loses Maltesers and marbles under her entry in the Messiest Desk comp... Em is still trying to figure out what her favourite things are, while Cathy finishes unsavoury Laurent off and comes out to play.... Technologically-challenged Euphemia hasn’t mastered ring binders, never mind iPods, while Magdalena, home for the holidays sends hugs to all. Euph describes her favourite things as her crafty bits and bobs..... Cathy gets the hots for nekkid G in yellow-towelled violence, but is left cold by fully-clad Beanie doing similar, and Elb reassures her that she is simply impressed by the towel’s ability to stay up under duress..... Breila hands out bouquets of freshly-sharpened pencils, teaches Elb a thing or two about the Road to Amarillo, and slides smartly into her 500th post, eliciting WOOTs all round.... Del wonders if she can reach 4000 by the end of the weekend. Photobucket turns out NOT to be one of Sparkle’s favourite things, and she goes off in a huff to watch BB where a bunch of weirdos talk about nothing in particular and do strange things for no reason until someone is leaves....... It sounds worryingly familiar.... Cathy shows her messy drawers and favourite things, confirming that she is a True ENGLANDer by her secret stash of stationery, Euphemia thinks Amarillo is in Texas, but knows it’s a long way to Tipperary, while Elb feels a song coming on... Tina, Breila and Eeyore take Geography lessons, and Marsha streaks through, singing songs from ‘Mary Poppins’..... Euphemia corrects Elb’s erroneous assumption that Amarillo is a liqueur by informing her she’s thinking of the burrowing mammal covered in horny plates.... Del lectures in graphic Geographics, and ENGLAND do a world tour of strange place names..... Euphemia packs her bags for Intercourse, Del can’t remember the longest Welsh name for a town, but Eeyore can say it! Tina cracks up, while Breila confesses encyclopaedaic love, and Catherine can say the Llanfair...............thingy word despite the hideous handicap of being English...... Cathy enlightens ENGLAND as to the longest real word in the English language - floccinaucinihilipilification - which means ‘the act of estimating (something) as worthless’. Elb secretly indulges in floccinaucinihilipilification of the current ENGLAND thread.... but Euphemia tells her it’s not worth the bother, Goffy arrives bearing WOOTs for Breila, and Els appears with 18 inches of Jack via webcam! Cathy imparts more useless but entertaining information about place names, Breila imparts useless but very entertaining information about laws in certain states, and Del lusts after Els’Cap’n Jack..... Euphemia and Elb perpetuate the painful puns from Amarillo to Armani and Eeyore is too confoosed to sort out who’s who in ‘Timeline’ the book v ‘Timeline’ the movie, so drools instead... Elb catches up again after a long phone call from an inconsiderate sprog, then feels guilty for being a bad mutha, but Del and Eeyore reassure her that she’s a great cyberMum at least.... Catherine heads off to bed to glow in the dark, and ranting Del threatens to vomit over the TV. Euphemia thinks Don’s Johnson wears Armani, and passes Del a bucket, while Yorkie thinks she’s stumbled into ‘Countdown’ and decides to catch up before commenting further.... Del can’t decide whether to rant, vomit or drool, so the bucket proves useful in any case, and Gusti finally arrives after a Keanu night. She is disappointed not to be able to show off her favourite things, and is envious of Els, as Gusti ain’t got Jack..... She and Del both want to indulge in Vice of the new Miami kind with Colin Farrell, then cheat further on Gerry with Messrs Depp and Reeves...... Gusti cowers behind the sofa in fear of a virtual barrage of missiles from the others...

Jo gets an Armada-inspired hernia from trying to catch up with the thread and reckons ENGLAND are on top form tonight, while Goffy and the insatiable Cathy agree that G hits a certain spot.... Yorkie is shocked - nay, appalled at the state of ENGLAND’s drawers, and reckons she can teach ENGLAND a choice word or two, but Euphemia assures Yorkie she can do piles, and has been informed by her doctor that she has a cute case of them.... Goffy becomes the ENGLAND Movie Database for Gusti, Jo has trouble breathing after Euphemia’s postings, and admits to having piles. On her desk. She promises to desk-spam ENGLAND tomorrow...... Cathy points out that Baby Bale is on TV tomorrow, Yorkie gets medical, and Del gets everything out for all to see! Jo finds the missing Maltesers but not her marbles, and enlightens ENGLAND as to who “Daisy” is that Eeyore listed amongst her faves.....Eeyore promptly adds more to her stable, and Yorkie’s idea of heaven on a desk is less Moleskine, and more Gerry-skin... Del volunteers her services as a Terry-topped desk-mat, and the random picspam hots up with Bales, Maliks and Fords but is beaten into a cocked hat by double helpings of fluffy-shirted Phantyness..... Em’s got Balls, and adds her shopping list of Studliness while Breila bows out, hoping for heaven in her dreams.... Del brings out the big guns, while Gusti has FINALLY joined the Glitterati! Yorkie keeps her desk tidy just in case, Cathy admires Pierce’s stunt-bum as a paperweight, and Elb gets left behind in Blogland....... Goffy posts in-out Attila-spam, and Del ‘s marbles get totally Lost, along with the plot.... Elb calls out an End of Thread alert from way off in the distance, and Goffy’s picspam makes Yorkie asthmatic, Gusti an insomniac, and Em’s brain explodes...... Goffy adds to the Hokey-Cokey by getting Attila to shake it all about, and that finishes ENGLAND off for the night.......

Elb, out of the loop, gives up and joins ENGLAND in bed.............

ENGLAND 91 - and counting......

Despite not a lot of sleep, Elb is up and at ‘em early, to make up for yesterday’s late start - only to discover Gusti has now joined the ranks of the Bloggerati...... She has popped in during the night to leave a link to her musings on her trip to Scotland, and left her apologies for her no-show at Breakfast Club.... Snow joins BC on a part-time basis and thinks last night’s postings were ‘offal’..... Catherine has been reading the reactions to an unflattering article in the NY Observer which concentrates on the Tart aspect of B&G rather than Gerry and his abilities..... Euphemia joins BC, and Jo, angry at the piece in the NY Observer offers to teach the author what hormonal really means.....Elb thinks she fits the author’s identifan picture: middle-aged hormonal woo-man..... with dolly. Eek! She makes a note to leave mini-Marek at home when Tarting About, so as not to verify the fact that she’s a fully paid-up member of the Loony Brigade..... ENGLAND have a grumpy and hormonal joint outburst at the article, and Euphemia plans on being enigmatic at TartCon2 if accosted by journos, while Jo acts like a true woo-man and thinks of ice-cream in her time of stress..... It’s National Ice Cream Day, and she plans to celebrate the fact with Hot Scots, while Snow anticipates Somebody posting Tennant picspam.....Bleary-eyed Gusti appears after her marathon bloggerage of the previous night, and Euphemia thanks ENGLAND for their glowing critique of her performance, then sends Misu to school with Tesco on his back.... Jo is relieved that snake baguettes are off, as pool-cue lunchboxes won’t fit in the fridge... Gusti and Snow discuss holiday photos, and Snow confesses hers are STILL not sorted despite getting back a year ago! Gusti looks forward to work on Monday, discovers it’s a Bank Holiday, then it isn’t......

Els does elevenses and shows ENGLAND her spookily accurate neon horoscope, resolves to take charge, and test-drives a new book on ENGLAND’s behalf.... and all before lunch! Em joins her, having spent the night with Cap’n Jack, and Yorkie isn’t really here but does a great impression of domestic servitude...She is cheered by the fact that Gerry appears to like Northern lassies and elbows Queen Gorgo out of the picture... Gusti heads out to satisfy her stationery cravings, and Blu makes another rare appearance to announce that she will spend Sunday being target-practise for laser-wielding depilators..... Goffy decides today is pants, and meets Em for afternoon tea and a hug... Red Death Phanty soon cheers her up, although the discovery that she can’t afford anything in the latest POTO auctions on eBay doesn’t help, but items are already fetching silly prices. ENGLAND are fresh out of silly money, but watch wistfully as prices soar.... Itchy-fingered Els sits on her wallet and makes do with 18 inches of Jack in the meantime, and Jo celebrates National Ice Cream Day with a veritable feast of ice-cream-inspired picspam! Some of her serving suggestions leave ENGLAND hot under the collar......... For some strange reason, Catherine craves frozen dessert, and Els blames subliminal advertising, while Miss Hyde goes pressie-shopping for friends and rewards herself with pieces of Who and Depp for being such a good friend in the first place....

Catherine has a waterfight with dogs, but comes off worst. Having seen the ritual humiliation of the hairnet inflicted on Dog 1, Dog 2 gets wise and retreats...... Jo too is getting foamy with ferrets, while Euphemia and Gusti stay dry but miserable as their budgets can’t stretch to anything Phanty......

Tina greets “Tarts, Hags, Pirates and Tennant-Totty fans’, longs for Mint Choc Chip, and covers most topics in a single post whereas it takes Elb all night and more grey hairs than she cares for...... Sparkle arrives, having been AWOL for too long, but catches up with the ever-handy Abridged. Lazy Gusti is ice-creamless, but offers strawberries and cream to Goffy..... ENGLAND are most impressed with Gusti’s travel-blog, but work got in the way for Elb, so she hasn’t yet read it. She gleefully tells ENGLAND that her local firefighters are to do training in her workplace next week, and has volunteered for Damsel in Distress Duty..... Catherine relieves her aching back in the bath recently vacated by pooches, and dreams longingly of Phantom of the eBay, while Gusti alarms Elb by vowing to teach herself ‘Elb’..... Sparkle updates the thread on her poorly but improving friend, and holds the door open for Del before heading for the ice-cream freezer. Gusti multi-tarts with Paul ‘Timeline’ Walker, Heath ‘Casanova’ Ledger and her photobucket....... Sparkle gets saucy with her ice-cream, Detective Cathy solves the Mystery of the Missing Cutlery, and Del wants something more.... Sparkle finishes Jamie off and promptly cheats on him by seeking new literary experiences, while fickle-fancied Jo eyes up Walker’s tum....... Breila saunters in after a lazy afternoon in the sun, longs for a liitle something from POTO, and ponders why she is an enigma.... Del simmers, and Els is in the money after cashing in on Auntie Liz’s birthday bash.... She sails off into the sunset with a new pirate-love.......

Del has a desire for Chocolat-Depped Johnny, and Elb just can’t keep it up.... Her Get-Up-and-Go has got up and gone, and she is all behind..... Els leaves some unopenable pressies and Del leaves some that CAN be opened, while Em opens a whole can of worms with BT’s service.... Goffy returns after slaving away over a hot vid, and Yorkie joins the crew after bidding on a poster in the POTO eBay auction....Elb is confoosed, and ENGLAND opens a mutual admiration society for Gusti’s brilliant blog, Del’s stunning siggies, and Em has a few choice words for BT too..... Gusti minds her manners, while Cathy minds her calories and misses out on the ice cream. Elb gives Breila tips for eBay, and gets a wrinkly chin from over-drooling. Yorkie dubs Gusti ‘Brave-Tart’ for her solo travels, and envies Elb her exciting life of new loos and lovely Duncans.....Breil dreams of Gerard Butler, composer of ballet for the Opera Garnier, and Cathy recalls the afterglow of hers but not much else! Em manages a Magnum, and Del can’t stop snickers over sporrans, while Yorkie risks her fillings on sweeties. Cathy goes off to bed with Laurent, eager to return to Jamie, and Gusti the Brave-Tart posts a piccy of Brave-Cow......

Jo issues an End of Thread Alert, but Elb has it in hand already, and ENGLAND 92: Just Keep Blowing! (only another 7 red balloons to go....) rises majestically into the ether....

As the Queen’s “Annus Horribilis” didn’t inspire Elb, she decides to irritate everyone with the Nena song from the eighties instead. Yorkie lets off steam about her daydream concerning saunas, clouds of steam lifting and yellow towels..... Elb’s tired brain carefully rearranges the words to conjure up her own steamy fantasies, while Snow is getting left behind as ENGLAND plows full steam ahead! Gusti runs out of steam, and heads off to bed while slightly hysterical Del rises to new heights, and starts SHOUTING IN BIG TEXT....... She has only just spotted the title of the new thread.... Snow and Del are seeing things, and Del spontaneously combusts..... Poor Em’s connection is slow, and by the time she posts, Del and Snow are off on another tangent, so she decides to hit the hay instead, but before she goes, Goffy WOOTs for Em’s 3000th post! Eeyore, late as usual, manages a record six-WOOTer, despite being in mid-rant about inefficient colleagues..... Jo, returning from the shower, slips in a quick WOOT for Em’s 3000th, and gets news that Wulfy is on his way..... Breila reveals that Gerry’s cape has sold for £4,200 on eBay, and Jo longs for just a few measly inches.... Eeyore hopes she’ll be seat-mates with the lovely Gareth tomorrow, but doesn’t hold her breath, and Jo and Breila look for the Golden Lining on eBay. Snow gives up as it’s too busy at work, and the remaining members of Team ENGLAND decide to call it a night........

ENGLAND 91 - T’was the year of Crop Circles and Blue Sonic Hedgehogs...

Tina beats everyone to Breakfast Club with a brief fly-by to announce she and hubby are now Shiny Happy People, and Catherine is positive that Elb is right behind her whereas in reality, Elb is still snoozing! Gusti rations her time online, as she’s still without her lappy cable, so wishes absent Elb good morning just in case....Finally, some 50 minutes late, Elb puffs pantless into BC having overslept. For the first time in ages, she had completed Abridged before bed but the Blogger site was inconveniently undergoing maintenance, and wouldn’t let her publish! Jo thinks the slowness of the site is part of Elb’s master plan to keep Abridged’s size down..... Catherine posts a link to the transcripts of Gerry in Vegas, and Gusti has to dash to meet her cable gal. Kelli, who is off to Chicago for a B&G screening, drops in to say good morning and goodbye, and Elb escapes to work before Jo sees the last bit of yesterday’s Abridged! Jo herself is off to check for handcuffed Terry in the stationery cupboard, and Els has a quick WOOT because she CAN! Breila falls asleep on the job, but wishes stationery bounty on all for the day.... Catherine at last becomes a Twinkling Tart, Els isn’t at all worried about hers - honest - and Loubylou drops into the Twilight Zone to show off her avatar. She worries about relocating for a potential new job, but extra dosh is tempting....

Em is a Laydee of Leisure, then One Wot Does Lunch..... Catherine assures her that her friend’s ticket will come, Goffy comes and goes, and Els agonises whether to keep boring job but nice people or go for exciting job with iffy people, but with more dosh as compensation.... ENGLAND opens the Careers Advice Centre...... The general opinion is that life is too short to be bored, so go for it Els! Gusti, like Em is currently a LOL and has been swimming, while Barbs contends with family and tries to catch up. Jo, Gusti and Em add their advice for Els-in-a-quandary, but Gusti scares herself by realising she’s in the same boat, and Els makes a note to stop being a wimp!

Catherine still doesn’t know what she wants to do when she grows up, and Barbs has lost her confidence, while Gusti hops onto the couch for self-analysis.... Goffy suggests Gusti comes to ENGLAND to work, and Jo announces she’ll still be gainfully employed when September ends..... Elb adds her 5 dubloonsworth to piratess Els, but apologises in advance as she will be in and out tonight due to entertaining a friend..... Catherine joins the Team ENGLAND Hokey-Cokey, as does Goffy who is working on the London vid, and Tina who posts while cooking.... Elb gets herself in trouble with pirate-speak, then in more with talk of brains.... She dreads what Euphemia will dredge up for tonight’s “Ready, Steady...puke...’ Cathy celebrates the safe arrival of her ticket and being home alone by playing her music LOUD, while Euphemia serves up tonight’s culinary delight which is a load of bo***cks....... Unsurprisingly, Miss Hyde is off colour, and offline afterwards... Catherine is cross-eyed after watching fanvids and Jo is off for Wedding Crashers, and Elb wonders if Euphemia’s dish of the day has put folk off .... The possible Team ENGLAND logo is in design, and Goffy’s vid is also a work in progress. Tina lurks for tasty testes, Breila gives Els the benefit of her experiences, and Goffy tries squid, rabbit and snake for dinner.... Breila prefers Euphemia’s recipe, but Elb and Tina go for good old haggis. Both haggis and testicles are off the menu for Cathy, so she cycles round her ironing board instead..... Euphemia contemplates publishing her favourite recipes as “Isn’t it Offal?”, wonders where to get plates long enough to serve snake, and advises against underdone ‘nads.... Tina, Goffy and Elb form HAG - the Haggis Appreciation Society, while chef Euphemia turns her hand to fast food - Boa Baguette, Bat Butties and Balls’n’baps.....Breila wants to spend time with Jamie, but is having far too much fun in the ENGLAND eaterie, and Catherine confesses to having eaten Elbmit’s rellies’ legs...... Goffy officially laughs her head off, Euphemia becomes a HAG as well as a Tart, but would rather Goffy didn’t discuss her proclivities on the thread.... Jo gives herself a red card, and Euphemia joins her for Sin-Bin duty while Catherine flunks the role of Goldilocks for not liking porridge.... Goffy gets a portion of Crispy Creedy with Bale on the side, and her ovaries go for a spin, Els catches up but promptly runs away again, and Euphemia calls her back for dinner with a nice Chianti.....Del drops in post-POTC2 and dribbles over Johnny and Orly, while Cathy admits they leave her cold - then runs........ Euphemia has nibbles with Johnny and Jo passes the red card over, while Elb tries - and fails - to spell the “ffffff-ttttt-fffft-tttttftfff-pfpfp-fftttfffftftftfff” quote from ‘Silence of the Lambs’ as it leaves her keyboard awash...... Goffy has no idea what she’s on about, and armed with over-18 vids, Catherine heads off to bed in hopeful anticipation of Gerry dreams...... Del bemoans the fact that she can’t find anything to watch - Elb suggests ‘Silence of the Lambs’ and takes her turn in the red card relay..... Euphemia warns Goffy to look behind her for strange men bearing cutlery, and Goffy’s end is much cheered....... Elb wails about the task she has ahead of her, attempting to blog the utter insanity of tonight’s thread, while Euphemia’s sanity chip has finally overloaded and she bows out...... Jo wonders if the bizarre food talk has sent Yorkie over the edge and over the porcelain, as she’s a no-show tonight, and Del gets the wind-effect.... Sparkle is late in but thinks it’s a gas! (POTC2, that is...) Cathy bemoans her son’s lack of sense, common or otherwise, despite being given an extra helping of brains..... Jo, disappointed at being Terry-less in the stationery cupboard, decides to call a nice young man in for a service instead, and ENGLAND head towards an early night....... Breila bids goodnight from Copenhagen, just as Eeyore, after dealing with the caller from Hell, gets in to announce that ENGLAND has had another baby - Eeyore’s barely-an-hour-old new neighbour! Awwwwwwwwwww!!!! She is also in over-drool after meeting the delicious Gareth, a new colleague.......... Elb pats her cyber-child knowingly on the head, and sends her off to dream of G’s........

Stomach still heaving from the menus on offer in Euphemia’s gaff, Elb turns back to her keyboard and blogs on into the night....... *burp...*

ENGLAND storms into the Nineties!

.........Tarts throw out the shoulder pads and don the Rachel haircut......

Catherine beats Elb to the posting button by seconds, and awakens ENGLAND on a grey day in Cream-Tea Town...... Elb girds her loins, fills up with Real-Caff and continues with a marathon session of blogging before FINALLY posting up yesterday’s condensation at 7am.... Catherine votes that Elb is rewarded with at LEAST a Gerry snog for Endeavours in the Field of Tartology, and Elb happily puckers up. Jo has p***holes in the snow for eyes after talking twaddle with Snow last night into the small hours, and promises Elb she’ll get to bed earlier.... Gusti pops in from her family’s home where she’s writing up her Scotland exploits in the sun, and Elb thought ‘Priest’ was to be ‘wham-bam’, but Catherine tells her there is a love story in the books...... Elb sticks to her original theory...... There is a newcomer to GB.net - a BritTartan named Acolyte who has explained more about ‘Priest’, and as a Doctor Who fan, may come to visit ENGLAND for a bit of a chat!

Barbara catches up again, and is scared of her plane crashing en route to Sweden, but finds time to analyse Gusti’s nightmare of matrimonial bondage..... She worries about catching up after her holiday, and thanks Elb in HUGE writing for England Abridged! (You’re welcome!) Catherine can finally see it, Els (on a countdown to piracy again) takes Gusti’s place at breakfast, and Sparkle becomes a member of the Glitterati in bed! Miss Hyde has a home-grown ringtone, whilst Els hates hers, and Euphemia announces that she too is all-a-twinkle! Jo WOOTs for glitter, and movie-pal Berenise returns from holiday to find glittery tickets thanks to Catherine, and prompted by the thread title, reminisces over 1990, when she married John..... *sigh* .....Miss Hyde has no movie-pal, as Mrs Hyde prefers telly, and envies Els her cinema-going status, while Blu makes an appearance after many threads, and says she’ll wait till the hormonal hype dies down before seeing POTC2, She and Els would both rather forget their 90’s schooldays .... Catherine is still ticketless, and has only been to the cinema once in recent years, but as it was to see B&G in Belfast, she picks up mega-points for that....

The 90’s were a blur for Goffy, and she tries to remember if she’s been to the flicks this year.... Em is in...then out, and Catherine spots neighbours on telly, pimps a ‘Priest’ fanvid to desperate Goffy, and Em dreams of invisi-Gerry pulling faces at her..... Christian Bale’s dancing cracks Goffy up, and her head falls off, while Em does Disney, then the potty pair do the musicals.... Miss Hyde likes a good musical and lists her favourites, while Sparkle defects from Yoga for a not-so-secret assignation with Cap’n Jack......... Elb nearly pukes her pasta when she joins the thread to see Goffy and Em talking Gerry-orally, Euphemia clocks on for the evening shift and Goffy swallows her comment. Gusti can’t stop, as she’s left her cables at her parent’s house. However, she has a cunning plan, which involves a swimming pool, a small nephew and her cable....... Elb has bought a new camera and DVD player (to watch her Canadian DVD of B&G) and has a new supply of notebooks to keep her habit satisfied, so she is a big happy bunny. After a massive plate of pasta, she steers clear of whaling ships, and can do a mean ‘Godfather’ impression..... Miss Hyde hands in her absence slip - she’s off for a ding-dong, and Em is AWOL due to a bad connection, while still glitterless Catherine consoles herself with thoughts of Tarting About in Glasgow shortly..... a sort of trial run for the Con.... Euphemia thanks Elb for making her snoosh Pepsi over her screen, and tells Catherine her non-bendy bendy bits are ossifying nicely. On the subject of noses, Euphemia’s brother (as a child) ran the risk of turning his head inside out, being a prolific nose-picker, and she goes begging for brain cells from the hormonally-challenged Catherine! Elb apologises in advance for a potentially below-par Abridged, as she has left HER brain at work. At least she will only be partly late tomorrow..... Goffy too asks for any donations of grey matter, as hers just got fried.....

After an lengthy silence in ENGLAND, Breila returns from work where she has been juggling porcelain for a few days to avoid builders’ cracks...... She has seen the perfect pressie for Gerry - a little pottery pug! Els sends a text to Elb, saying she can’t get online... Nor can Em. Is there a conspiracy??? Feeling something is fishy, Euphemia ponders fried brains, reminding Elb of the end of the second Hannibal Lechter film where ‘plat du jour’ is brain served fresh from a live dinner guest..... She has trouble keeping her own dinner down, and Goffy gags, but Euphemia recalls further culinary delights while Elb does chameleon impressions in an attempt to avoid a technicolour yawn......... Yorkie finally hacks her way into the thread with a meat cleaver, and makes a note to avoid dinner invites Chez Euphemia. Breila brings snake to the table, and Yorkie does crispy critters while Elb thinks snakes are a drag... Del comes home and Jo too has had trouble getting in, but is buoyed up by the fact that she has been knee-deep in stationery all day! Yorkie patiently explains that stationery cupboards are supposed to be for improper office conduct....Men are in somewhat short supply in Jo’s workplace, so she resorts to other means of stimulation.....like Pritt sticks! Yorkie and Euphemia crack snake gags, Tina has got the sparkles, and Yorkie declares the order to “Abandon ship!” as it’s time for ENGLAND to get ‘Lost’.

In the deafening silence that follows, Marsha slips a post in to update ENGLAND on both her friend’s illness, and her new baby ‘nephew’, while Eeyore has deserted ENGLAND for the delights of Brendan Fraser, and poorly sick Miss Hyde slopes off to bed. Em finally gets back into the site after her lappy gets amnesia, Yorkie volunteers for Threadstarting Duty, and ENGLAND rack their uneaten brains for Lechter references......

Snow hears the grinding of cogs from across the pond, and Yorkie eventually gets Thread 91 running with: ENGLAND 91 - T’was the year of Crop Circles and Blue Sonic Hedgehogs... Team ENGLAND go all funny over TerGer spam, Yorkie wrongly thinks her title’s poo, and goes off to her bubble bath to drown her sorrows...... Goffy is most impressed by Jo’s TR2 spammage, and admits to liking “a wee bit of Terry every now and again!” Snow too considers Jo’s choice an excellent combo and thunks into a puddle of goo.... Elb hums the Spam Song, and talks arse, while Yorkie sneaks back in to suggest a punch-up over anti-perspirant as the next storyline on ‘Lost’, just so ENGLAND can appreciate the finer points of topless sweaty men.......Impatient Em wants ‘Lost’ to explain itself, hyperventilates at Shakespearean Gerard, and Jo passes the Post-Its to Yorkie, who prefers to highlight the G-spots instead......

Snow goes to the store and minds her peas and queues, but wonders what the fook they are.....Eeyore has finally become a Marek-Mummy and takes him to bed to read ‘Timeline’ to him, while Jo, inspired by Yorkie’s lecture regarding improper use of the stationery cupboard, has visions of Terry in handcuffs and Post-Its while she does something wicked with highlighter. She goes for a cold shower.....Em peas off, and Yorkie tries to put ENGLAND to bed but fails. Snow cheerfully takes over Jo’s vision with Nekkid Terry, and the closet gets crowded as Elb joins the cupboard-love fantasy ..... Sensing defeat, Snow shuffles off into the night and Elb, triumphant, puts the blog, ENGLAND and herself to bed.........

Too late...... Jo ‘Notorious’ Mar becomes a footnote in ENGLAND Abridged...........

ENGLAND 89 - careering wildly into the Nineties!

Elb is first up for Breakfast Club, and struggles to be perky on half-caff coff...... Euphemia does a fair impression of a zombie after little sleep, but Catherine is sickeningly bouncy for such an early hour.... Magdalena is after a job in Mothercare to avoid caring for her mother in the hols, and The Three Cafeteers discuss bits both bendy and stiff, while Catherine and Elb’s planning for their weekend trip upgrades from Code Yellow to Code Red.... and everyone has mash for brains... Jo’s got a stiff back, Elb’s mash-for-brains fails to communicate with her stiff legs, and Creaky Euphemia plans on strapping the fridge to Misu instead of his lunchbox......Catherine gets back from being shut out of ENGLAND and commiserates with all creaky crankies, then wails that she is still sans glitter. She refuses point blank to start the new thread while Euphemia is having problems with Unreality too, and is utterly thoughtless.....

Eeyore and Els arrive for second sitting of Breakfast Club, and while Els posts a spoiler for POTC3, Eeyore measures up Beanie-Baby........ Miss Hyde volunteers for Threadstarting Duty, and Els helps her along by talking rubbish, and Miss Hyde gets misty-eyed over old threads. Marsha bursts in to announce the birth of her friend’s baby, and turns her hand to film-directing the next POTC movie.......Whilst Miss Hyde labours over her thread, Eeyore does lunch and Marsha moves from directing POTC to acting in ‘Friends’... Miss Hyde gives a final push and the new thread is born: ENGLAND storms into the Nineties! Tarts throw out the shoulder pads and don the Rachel haircut......

The Laydeez Wot Lunch talk grunge, bracelets and more ‘Friends’, and Em takes a trip down memory lane with thermo-T-shirts and spoke thingies for bicycles..... ENGLAND congratulate Marsha on the birth of her buddy’s baby. Em is still tripping, reminiscing about mis-matched fluorescent socks and tie-dyed T-shirts, while Jo is pleased to meet another short-ass, and is off to see “Mrs Brown” or rather Big Gerry at the cinema! ENGLAND discuss size, and vary from Mini (Jo) to Maxi (Marsha) but on average, are ....well....average. Em likes her men tall and Marsha just has to self-moderate.... Em’s car is too clean to warrant a charitable wash by hunky firemen, Marsha thinks dirty, and dreams of Gerry in uniform, while Euphemia encounters the Law of Sod again after watering her garden..... Miss Hyde joins in the Tall debate and adds long hair to the mix, while Hippie Yoof likes it long, and definitely NOT shaved, as per Mr Yoof’s coiffure du jour.... She prefers to run her fingers through botty hair. Sorry folks.... botty LENGTH hair..... Cathy likes Drac-locks, and Euphemia buys baldy-bro a giant comb as revenge for playing boats with her shoes, while Miss Hyde posts Who-spam. (Daltrey, not Doctor....) Cathy has a new vid out, and Miss Hyde goes for a job interview....ENGLAND awaits.....

Elb flies by and drops a post in ENGLAND’s direction while she heads off to catch up. It lands on Euphemia, and Sparkle adds her contribution, also in fly-by mode as she’s off granny-visiting.... Cathy guiltily posts Huge Ackman spam from last night’s film, inspiring White-shirt love from Elb. Miss Hyde returns, dejected as she thinks she didn’t get the job, Snow commiserates with pirate-spam, while Em does Davenport..... Elb sneaks in a quick Bangkok Gerry while nobody’s looking, and gives him a well-earned thunk. Em has to zip it, and Euphemia hoovers frantically...... Miss Hyde agrees it’s certainly thunk-worthy, but Snow goes all out with a thunk-thud combo at the thought of Gerry in pirate gear. ENGLAND cross their fingers for Miss Hyde, and Euphemia valiantly goes to watch Stenders for Queen and Country...... Tina worries that ENGLAND are playing dress-up with 18th century men, and Cathy sleep-types as she’s so tired, but Miss Hyde kindly offers her Gerry’s spare shoulder for a snooze.

ENGLAND are in the mood for spending money - Goffy buys a new car and DVDs, and Yorkie decides to buy a new house. Marsha updates ENGLAND on her friend Stone’s progress with leukaemia, and ENGLAND send their good wishes. Jackie - Little Miss - from the KT pops in to say hello, and to pimp her new vid to ENGLAND, and Yorkie tells Goffy that she’s not got itchy feet, but fleas if she wants to move again after 27 houses...... Euphemia comes back thoroughly cheery after Stenders, and Catherine books Gerry’s other shoulder for a bunk-down..... Tina’s bored, and she, Euphemia, Cathy and Catherine are still a glitter-free zone. Del arrives at the castle and makes a mess, but Els doesn’t pay any attention as she’s watching Pirate-porn, and Miss Hyde keeps getting distracted by bewigged Davenports and is cynical about singing second cousins...... Yorkie posts Bored Gerry to keep Tina company, and Catherine couldn’t care less about Parker’s performance, as she had a good old natter anyway! On the moving house debate, Miss Hyde is scared, as she and her house have lived together for 18 years, and she is shortly to be cast out to University. Goffy assures everyone that they will all be visited by the Glitter Fairy before long, and Del rambles about in the castle, seeking drink before announcing she has been out to the “home of gof”. Goffy looks somewhat surprised. Elb is confused, and rambles, and Catherine rambles off to bed exhausted by her weekend.

Tina’s down for a Shanghai Shuffle, and Barbara’s on the Redeye after catching up with 500 posts! Del pleads for help with her stationery addiction, but Elb is gloating over new Post-Its, so isn’t the right person to ask.....Miss Hyde squeezes out another couple of posts to warrant an explosion of WOOTing as she reaches 1000.... Eeyore lived in the same house for 30 years until last year, and Del muses that home is not just a house, but people too, and Marsha thanks ENGLAND and particularly Goffy for beautifully-put thoughts for Stone, before going to visit little Jack, born last night. Del tempts Elb with talk of new mini-pens, and Miss Hyde thanks ENGLAND most graciously for their fine display of WOOTing........ The castle aquires another dog, and Del needs room for her latest acquisition too..... Elb, still struggling, pleads with ENGLAND to just STOP POSTING while she tries to catch up! Euphemia’s brakes are shot, (as are the brains of most of the team) and Miss Hyde mutinies against the “Elbmeister” as she is now termed.....before heading for her bunk, worn out from WOOTing..... Poor Barbara still hasn’t caught up as her computer crashed, so she admits defeat for the night, and Euphemia goes off to bury herself in Jamie, while Em hands out marshmallows! Yorkie is stll playing with her new phone and asks what everyone has as ringtones - Tina is ‘Filthy Gorgeous’, Cathy does ‘MOTN’, Em has many, and Del wants more! Goffy can’t figure hers out, while Elb can’t stand tinny tunes, and has a proper old-stylee telephone ring on her mobile.... Yorkie can’t make up her mind. Everyone talks mobiles for so long, that Elb spontaneously combusts,Goffy becomes a blubbering idiot, and Yorkie regains her virginity. Em meanwhile loses hers and turns to the dark side.....Goffy is soon to become a Born-Again Virgin too. Elb meanwhile, blogging away in the distance, calls out a warning about Bluetooth hijackers.......

Eeyore bids farewell to all, as she needs rest before facing Dracula tomorrow at the Blood Donation centre, Yorkie is cream-crackered from wrestling Gerry onto her phone, and Em tries Gerry as a visual cocoa. Jo sighs back into the thread after an evening at the cinema with Berenise and their hubbies, watching Big Ger and the Big Yin in ‘Mrs Brown’ on the big screen..... She confesses to Snow that she ALMOST missed THE scene, and just about caught Gerry’s arse as it wandered off-screen along with her brain..... Snow is aghast that Jo hasn’t seen any Gerryfilms at the cinema before now, and Jo admits that she never noticed “the little poppet” running starkers beside Billy as she is blase about nekkid Connolly........... Snow pees herself with laughter, and puts ENGLAND to bed, chuckling...............

Elb cusses late-night Jo..............