ENGLAND 94 - BritTarts finally open Chunnel from GB to GB....

Bewildered Catherine is first in on a bright, sunny morning, and groggy Elb trails along behind..... Catherine has mislaid her weekend somewhere, while Elb is lacking in sleep, marbles, and coffee. She complains her get-up-and-go has got up and gone, so is prescribed a therapeutic trip to Glasgow by Nurse Catherine.... Jo arrives after not being able to climb aboard the BritTart bus last night, and garrulous Gusti oversleeps after a marathon chinwag with a MAN!!! Catherine anticipates Yankee Doodle Wulfy, and Gusti is all warm and fuzzy, despite a headache and having to go to work....

Jo monitors her Wulfy’s Wanderings, Els contemplates making Jack earn his keep, and Breila brags about doing a fortnight’s intensive vacationing...... Miss Hyde spends time in the Real World, and ends up in the Caribbean with pirates yet again! Bjorn-again Els fancies Bjorn. Again. Del is apparently in a different time zone to the rest of ENGLAND, and Els feels weird about her long-distance friend, then gets no-nonsense advice from Blu, while Breila conjures up holiday pictures with descriptions of fresh raspberries and ice cream, siestas and lunch with Mum. Wandering Wulfy arrives Chez Jo, but she waits till she’s cooled down before getting hot under the collar again... Del gets in a lather about the logistics of moving her mountain of Moleskines, and Em provides temporary distraction with plans to visit the seaside. Elb takes so long over her post that Goffy, Euphemia and Catherine have time to check in, kick off their shoes and chill out before she finally posts..... then has to go back and edit, just to include everyone! Jo teases ENGLAND by reporting what’s going on in her brand spanking new edition of B&G, and Elb is a Gog, but doesn’t actually know what one is......... Gusti is still warm, fuzzy and bouncy, while Elb is disgustingly over-eager to find out if Gerry gets his kit off in the extras as promised by Sturla..... Goffy’s ears prick up and she is off to Amazon before you can say “frozen popsicles”........ I said POPSICLES, people!

Berenise roasts in her scorchio office, and books an alarm call from Jo in case anything significant pops up in the B&G extras.......It appears that the entire Team ENGLAND plans to fly out to visit Gusti, so she may have to become a tour guide for Vienna....... Jo grimly pores through the extras, conducting Important Research on behalf of ENGLAND, and informs Elb that a Gog is a Taffy from northern parts..... Del offers her surplus reading material to visiting BritTarts, and Gusti warns ENGLAND that she’ll only be available for tours at weekends.... Gently steaming Els returns from band practise with the happy news that it is set to get MORE scorchio, and Voice of Doom Miss Hyde confirms that the heatwave is to become a frantic furnace, while Elb fears that she and Catherine will be fried alive if predicted storms occur whilst they are airborne in a metal tube...... Els tries to distract ENGLAND with joint Depp & Tennant spam, but Jo interjects with Wulfy-commentary as he takes off the wetsuit, and......the screen fades to black! ENGLAND are NOT amused......

ENGLAND turn Tourist Board again, and everyone advises Em on the best beaches for her day out tomorrow.... Catherine checks the weather forecast to grumpily discover that she and Elb will get slightly soggy in Glasgow, while Elb WOOTs because she hates the heat.... Del gets further depressed and ENGLAND try to cheer her up to no avail. The Beowulfast Two will be treating Glasgow to a double whammy of ‘distressed hedgehog’ haircuts, and Elb has been perfecting the patented flying nerves calming technique...... Berenise (and hubby) hope there aren’t storms, as they have to hide downstairs....... then Jo creates one in ENGLAND by posting screencaps of the very short Wulfy De-wetsuiting Sequence......

Team ENGLAND thunk as one........

The thread moves into warp drive, and it’s rapidly decided that the topless, shaggy haired look is a definite winner........ until Goffy investigates the website plastered across Nekkid Wulfy’s chest.

HOLD THE PHONE!!!!!!!!!!

The entire getting-his-kit-off sequence is featured on www.wrathofgods.com and ENGLAND waste no time in hurtling over there to watch Gerry strip off down to “shitty Y-fronts” as he himself proclaims...... but as one, ENGLAND roar in frustration when a discreet but sizeable black box pops up to protect Mr B’s modesty. Tina has palpitations and does a seven-Thudder, and Elb’s brain explodes as she realises just how BIG the modesty box is........ Em sends out a Mayday call - ENGLAND is going down, and needs to find the black box! Els needs resuscitation, and the Team in general have come over all unneccessary...... Goffy leads the singalong as ENGLAND plummet rapidly “Down Once More...” into the Gutler, with Del cannon-balling ahead of everyone, buoyed up by the fact that the Leaning Tower of Moleskine has appeared on the front page of Moleskinerie.com...... Jo begins a campaign to ‘See Wulfy’s Y-Fronts’, once she twigs that the box was added AFTER the video was made...... Poor Cathy can’t see the video and resorts to her imagination, while Elb texts Yorkie to spread the good news! Frustrated Gusti watches the wrong vid by mistake, and armed with chocolate and Pepsi, Del feels able to face the world again..... Gusti eventually watches the right video, and is temporarily Out of Order, chocolate is declared Dish of the Day after Nekkid Gerry, and Del feeds Elb’s stationery addiction... Breila takes a dip in the Gutler, and Gusti, Del and Elb discuss going to Iceland - or not, as it is prohibitively expensive.... Del has rodent trouble and heads off to clean up mouse mess, Breila’s computer obligingly freezes in interesting moments, and everyone loves Stretchy Gerry.... Catherine and Els suggest Elb should write for the new fan event section in Messages for Gerry, and Elb asks for more hours in the day, while Breila drools over Gerry’s ‘bedroom eyes’. The rest of ENGLAND get gooey over Gerry the Sleepy, and Breila Officially runs out of words to describe Our Hero: he’s Just Gerry! Em returns after dealing with a minor neighbourly emergency, and Eeyore stuns everyone with a triple thud/thunk/WOOT combo........ ENGLAND awards a perfect 6.......... She is enjoying her new position at work - next to Gorgeous Gareth, but has to be careful what she says online in case he reads over her shoulder! She also asks for advice on whether to respond to flirtatious online advances.... General opinion is to proceed with caution, so Eeyore promptly flirts back with a get-out clause! Goffy does a Wulfy wallpaper featuring scenes from tonight’s vid, but Jo complains that the black box is still in evidence! Eeyore thinks Elb is lurking in order to avoid threadstarting, whereas in reality, she is yakking on the phone to Yorkie, whose internet is down AGAIN, and at the most inconvenient time.....She can’t see nearly nekkid Wulfy! Fortunately, Elb, being the control freak that she is, has already prepared a new thread earlier, and hoists it up as Thread 93 fills up to the very brim.....

ENGLAND 95: The temperature soars! BritTarts get steamed-up over bare Beowulf! is next up to pay tribute to the events of the night.......... Everyone needs a dip in the Gutler to cool down, and Elb can’t find her pussy who has gone AWOL... She resorts to wandering round the neighbourhood in search of foo-kin cat but to no avail. Jo posts another Green Day ‘mash-up’ to take Elb’s mind off her missing Noodles, but puss returns to Elb’s relief and detriment, and ENGLAND head for bed, after a final postscript from Elb to WOOT once more for Wulfy, as he is now wending his weary way Weevil-wards......

ENGLAND steams gently into the good night..............