ENGLAND storms into the Nineties!

.........Tarts throw out the shoulder pads and don the Rachel haircut......

Catherine beats Elb to the posting button by seconds, and awakens ENGLAND on a grey day in Cream-Tea Town...... Elb girds her loins, fills up with Real-Caff and continues with a marathon session of blogging before FINALLY posting up yesterday’s condensation at 7am.... Catherine votes that Elb is rewarded with at LEAST a Gerry snog for Endeavours in the Field of Tartology, and Elb happily puckers up. Jo has p***holes in the snow for eyes after talking twaddle with Snow last night into the small hours, and promises Elb she’ll get to bed earlier.... Gusti pops in from her family’s home where she’s writing up her Scotland exploits in the sun, and Elb thought ‘Priest’ was to be ‘wham-bam’, but Catherine tells her there is a love story in the books...... Elb sticks to her original theory...... There is a newcomer to GB.net - a BritTartan named Acolyte who has explained more about ‘Priest’, and as a Doctor Who fan, may come to visit ENGLAND for a bit of a chat!

Barbara catches up again, and is scared of her plane crashing en route to Sweden, but finds time to analyse Gusti’s nightmare of matrimonial bondage..... She worries about catching up after her holiday, and thanks Elb in HUGE writing for England Abridged! (You’re welcome!) Catherine can finally see it, Els (on a countdown to piracy again) takes Gusti’s place at breakfast, and Sparkle becomes a member of the Glitterati in bed! Miss Hyde has a home-grown ringtone, whilst Els hates hers, and Euphemia announces that she too is all-a-twinkle! Jo WOOTs for glitter, and movie-pal Berenise returns from holiday to find glittery tickets thanks to Catherine, and prompted by the thread title, reminisces over 1990, when she married John..... *sigh* .....Miss Hyde has no movie-pal, as Mrs Hyde prefers telly, and envies Els her cinema-going status, while Blu makes an appearance after many threads, and says she’ll wait till the hormonal hype dies down before seeing POTC2, She and Els would both rather forget their 90’s schooldays .... Catherine is still ticketless, and has only been to the cinema once in recent years, but as it was to see B&G in Belfast, she picks up mega-points for that....

The 90’s were a blur for Goffy, and she tries to remember if she’s been to the flicks this year.... Em is in...then out, and Catherine spots neighbours on telly, pimps a ‘Priest’ fanvid to desperate Goffy, and Em dreams of invisi-Gerry pulling faces at her..... Christian Bale’s dancing cracks Goffy up, and her head falls off, while Em does Disney, then the potty pair do the musicals.... Miss Hyde likes a good musical and lists her favourites, while Sparkle defects from Yoga for a not-so-secret assignation with Cap’n Jack......... Elb nearly pukes her pasta when she joins the thread to see Goffy and Em talking Gerry-orally, Euphemia clocks on for the evening shift and Goffy swallows her comment. Gusti can’t stop, as she’s left her cables at her parent’s house. However, she has a cunning plan, which involves a swimming pool, a small nephew and her cable....... Elb has bought a new camera and DVD player (to watch her Canadian DVD of B&G) and has a new supply of notebooks to keep her habit satisfied, so she is a big happy bunny. After a massive plate of pasta, she steers clear of whaling ships, and can do a mean ‘Godfather’ impression..... Miss Hyde hands in her absence slip - she’s off for a ding-dong, and Em is AWOL due to a bad connection, while still glitterless Catherine consoles herself with thoughts of Tarting About in Glasgow shortly..... a sort of trial run for the Con.... Euphemia thanks Elb for making her snoosh Pepsi over her screen, and tells Catherine her non-bendy bendy bits are ossifying nicely. On the subject of noses, Euphemia’s brother (as a child) ran the risk of turning his head inside out, being a prolific nose-picker, and she goes begging for brain cells from the hormonally-challenged Catherine! Elb apologises in advance for a potentially below-par Abridged, as she has left HER brain at work. At least she will only be partly late tomorrow..... Goffy too asks for any donations of grey matter, as hers just got fried.....

After an lengthy silence in ENGLAND, Breila returns from work where she has been juggling porcelain for a few days to avoid builders’ cracks...... She has seen the perfect pressie for Gerry - a little pottery pug! Els sends a text to Elb, saying she can’t get online... Nor can Em. Is there a conspiracy??? Feeling something is fishy, Euphemia ponders fried brains, reminding Elb of the end of the second Hannibal Lechter film where ‘plat du jour’ is brain served fresh from a live dinner guest..... She has trouble keeping her own dinner down, and Goffy gags, but Euphemia recalls further culinary delights while Elb does chameleon impressions in an attempt to avoid a technicolour yawn......... Yorkie finally hacks her way into the thread with a meat cleaver, and makes a note to avoid dinner invites Chez Euphemia. Breila brings snake to the table, and Yorkie does crispy critters while Elb thinks snakes are a drag... Del comes home and Jo too has had trouble getting in, but is buoyed up by the fact that she has been knee-deep in stationery all day! Yorkie patiently explains that stationery cupboards are supposed to be for improper office conduct....Men are in somewhat short supply in Jo’s workplace, so she resorts to other means of stimulation.....like Pritt sticks! Yorkie and Euphemia crack snake gags, Tina has got the sparkles, and Yorkie declares the order to “Abandon ship!” as it’s time for ENGLAND to get ‘Lost’.

In the deafening silence that follows, Marsha slips a post in to update ENGLAND on both her friend’s illness, and her new baby ‘nephew’, while Eeyore has deserted ENGLAND for the delights of Brendan Fraser, and poorly sick Miss Hyde slopes off to bed. Em finally gets back into the site after her lappy gets amnesia, Yorkie volunteers for Threadstarting Duty, and ENGLAND rack their uneaten brains for Lechter references......

Snow hears the grinding of cogs from across the pond, and Yorkie eventually gets Thread 91 running with: ENGLAND 91 - T’was the year of Crop Circles and Blue Sonic Hedgehogs... Team ENGLAND go all funny over TerGer spam, Yorkie wrongly thinks her title’s poo, and goes off to her bubble bath to drown her sorrows...... Goffy is most impressed by Jo’s TR2 spammage, and admits to liking “a wee bit of Terry every now and again!” Snow too considers Jo’s choice an excellent combo and thunks into a puddle of goo.... Elb hums the Spam Song, and talks arse, while Yorkie sneaks back in to suggest a punch-up over anti-perspirant as the next storyline on ‘Lost’, just so ENGLAND can appreciate the finer points of topless sweaty men.......Impatient Em wants ‘Lost’ to explain itself, hyperventilates at Shakespearean Gerard, and Jo passes the Post-Its to Yorkie, who prefers to highlight the G-spots instead......

Snow goes to the store and minds her peas and queues, but wonders what the fook they are.....Eeyore has finally become a Marek-Mummy and takes him to bed to read ‘Timeline’ to him, while Jo, inspired by Yorkie’s lecture regarding improper use of the stationery cupboard, has visions of Terry in handcuffs and Post-Its while she does something wicked with highlighter. She goes for a cold shower.....Em peas off, and Yorkie tries to put ENGLAND to bed but fails. Snow cheerfully takes over Jo’s vision with Nekkid Terry, and the closet gets crowded as Elb joins the cupboard-love fantasy ..... Sensing defeat, Snow shuffles off into the night and Elb, triumphant, puts the blog, ENGLAND and herself to bed.........

Too late...... Jo ‘Notorious’ Mar becomes a footnote in ENGLAND Abridged...........