ENGLANDAID 85 - Feed the TartWorld!

Catherine and Elb battle to be first up and on the boards, but Catherine wins as Elb is finishing the previous night’s blog.... Gusti is due back, so they roll out the welcome mat early, just in case.... Jo joins them and the topic of conversation is the weather (of course!) and scrapbooks which Catherine is having trouble finding.... Elb has chucked all her scrapbooks, is therefore an unfit mother, and wonders about torching her house in order to tidy up.... Catherine regrets binning a load of signed footie programmes which would net her a small fortune these days, Elb goes off to work, hoping to sponge young men down, and Jo’s colleagues are unspongeworthy! Catherine’s bosses are in dire need of hosing down, Tina, feeling much better, agrees with the casting of Malfoy Snr as Jack Randall, so the non-existent part is his.... Daft defends her posting of near-the-knuckle pictures, and says she knows how far she can push the boundaries...Sparkle is off to do battle with the heat amidst traffic jams, and Blu justifiably rants about her non-working landline. Eeyore is incarcerated in a cell with 300 inmates, no air-con and no phones, while Miss Hyde is back from the quack, and looking forward to seeing the Who, despite Elb’s sarky comments.....Els sneaks in on a day off to post pics of her band gig in which they all look very smart and very hot! Fifi from NZ reprises Daft’s Jason Isaacs shot in which he reveals nearly all the contents of his lunchbox, and Euphemia, Barbs and Em are the Laydeez wot Lunch...

Breila tries to relax under the scrutiny of her workmen,sickly Del sits in the dark with PC, fan and bucket, and posts winter scenes to try and psyche herself into feeling cooler..... Jo feels the benefit, and Goffy thinks haggis..... Breila serenades ENGLAND, whilst on her way into the Gutler Mine, aided and abetted by Goffy.... Shortly after 5, Gusti the Itinerant returns home!!!! She thanks everyone for keeping her abreast of events in Gerryworld while she was away, and thanks Elb for getting her ticket for TartCon2. She is welcomed back into the thread with open arms and sticky fingers as Goffy, Breila and Euphemia talk Gerry popsicles and Erik ice cream.... Barbs welcomes Gusti home and Breila flounders in the Drool Pit whilst thinking of ice poles, while Miss Hyde offers Gerry an ice bath....... Gusti tries to catch her breath and catch up, but she has 47 pages of notifications to read....... Euphemia is having trouble with her ice pole, and has to explain to Breila what one of the slippery little suckers is! Gusti is pleased to hear that all of Team ENGLAND are to go to Glasgow next year, and Barbara introduces herself. Catherine arrives, exuberant at Gusti’s reappearance on the threads, and Euphemia gets all sticky but blames it on Goffy.... She proudly tells ENGLAND that Magdalena has excelled at college, and WILL be going to Uni in September! The news is all too much for her foundation garments however.... ENGLAND express their heartfelt congratulations to Magdalena, and there is much rejoicing on her behalf.... Ever-vigilant Catherine informs ENGLAND that ‘Priest’ is now listed on Gerry’s IMDB profile, but has to retreat from the PC as her derriere adheres to the chair...... Gusti promises lots of photos, and takes her films to be developed five minutes after getting home! Goffy sympathises with newbie-to-ENGLAND Barbara, as she too has trouble keeping up with the thread, and she’s been with the team since 5!

Hot stuff Elb leaps in to virtually hug Gusti, and tells her that Breakfast Club hasn’t been the same without her, Gusti’s fingers ache already with typing, and Elb’s Muppet-ego, Elbmit rushes around ENGLAND, warning the end of the thread is nigh! Euphemia teaches her a new word, for which she is rewarded by having the next threadstart dumped on her.... In the meantime, Cathy recounts her weekend Gerryfest with Ally, in which they overdosed on GB films, watched fanvids and visited the Sealife Centre, washing it all down with lashings of Starbucks and Chinese! Euphemia can’t think of anything but bad taste, but goes ahead at Elb’s urging, and begins:

ENGLAND 86 - Ger-nobyl: BritTarts reach meltdown........ Cathy has fond maternal memories of 86, Etherealtb blames herself for England’s defeat in the World Cup, and Miss Hyde was STILL not even a twinkle..... Tina arrives hot and grumpy after waiting for buses, Sparkle is tonally unbalanced, and admits to being another stationery-holic, happiest when alone with a new A4 pad..... Sticky-arsed Catherine returns to her post after watching the elderly Navratilova win yet another match, and Jo is giddy with power after leafing through stationery catalogues and ordering for the school.... Sparkle is envious, but gives the heads-up to a documentary on Culloden, Barbs tries to keep up with comings and goings, and Gusti is back again after dealing with family, but realises she has left part of her in Scotland..... She is also miffed that she will miss the Culloden docu-drama! Yorkie adds to the Welcome Wagon, and as a seasoned absentee from ENGLAND, advises Gusti to just read Abridged to catch up. She is in delicate health, having just been told the price to resuscitate eldest son’s motor, and joins Sparkle in being melatonally-challenged (Yes, I KNOW it’s a made-up word...Artistic licence!)..... Gusti worries about Elb’s state of mind, Cathy buys a book on Attila but hasn’t time to read it, and Jo is pragmatic about her daughter’s exams.... Gusti thinks strawberries and cream, while Goffy plans to visit Culloden in September. Miss Hyde is finally lured into the Outlander books by the prospect of Culloden, and Euphemia advises her on where to buy....

Eeyore arrives home and screeches a welcome to Gusti. She has had a disappointing day after getting worked up to address her public, but it was a non-event! Yorkie gives a mini-history lecture on Attila, and discovers that all roads lead back to Gerry.... Jo proves that Post-It’s are multi-purpose and has marked her copy of the book, where even Gerry gets a mention! Catherine admits to pimping Gerry when he talks out of her.....pocket at work... and the team discuss their Gerry-inspired ringtones and alerts on their mobiles... Eeyore even has “Don’t be lookin’ at my arse!” as her text alert and Gusti is somewhat embarrassed that she has photos of Gerry on her phone. Yorkie and Jo can’t decide what colour Post-Its to use for smut, and Yorkie gets an unnerving email from someone trying to hit on her! She dumps the guy before they’re even an item and gives him a Spam dinner.... Cathy and her son play musical tellies and Gusti raves over coffee shops found in Del’s photo albums.... Del talks soup, and Elb reappears to reassure her Paranoia Twin that all is well, while Cathy’s curiosity is so piqued by Jo and Yorkie’s Attila book discussion that she buys another book she won't have time to read!. Del teases Jo about her stationery addiction, little knowing that most of ENGLAND suffer the same quirk, while Jo is urging her daughter to go into the business for staff discount! Yorkie stands up at the first meeting of Stationers Anonymous, and Elb has trouble with Moleskines....ENGLAND departs to watch Culloden, leaving Gusti to catch up with London pics... Del pimps Moleskines to Elb, and she’s hooked... Jo, Tina and Del join StatAnon, while Miss Hyde is in denial. Cathy is obsessed with placky wallets, and Elb isn’t Wonder Woo-man, just plain Elb... Gusti admits defeat and signs off to look at more pics and write her thoughts into her ‘dictionary’, and Yorkie is luvved-up with looniness. Venturing out further on a limb in the loony tree, Jo posts a sheet of cyber-bubblewrap which is as addictive as the real thing! Yorkie drops back after Culloden in a sober frame of mind, and isn’t proud to be English after seeing it... Em is very late in after visiting her friend who is accompanying her to TartCon2, and her friend adopts the pseudonym of Cookie. Jo and Em are too hot to go to bed, and Em will be buggered if she leaves her window open......Breila too is cooking, even after dinner, and Daft gives helpful hints on how to keep cool with pop bottles in bed......Em appears to inhabit a Midlands ghetto, but longs for Attila of the Bullring to watch over her...Elb has to get her road tax, so logs off and shames Em, Breila and Jo into calling it a night......... Gusti returns in the wee small hours after catching up with 47 pages of new posts, and STILL hasn’t tackled Elb’s Abridged, so gives her apologies for not coming to Breakfast Club.

FINALLY, everyone shuts up, and tries to sleep in a muggy, airless night.....