ENGLAND 78-9 ‘Yapping at the Speed of Light’ - and then some!

Catherine has Breakfast Club alone while ENGLAND has a lie-in, until Tina surfaces much later and Elb arrives later still after being woken by a tail-chasing cat under the duvet.... Catherine and Elb have an early-morning Gergasm and talk turns to the new-look Ger from Vegas, hoping that this is for his role in ‘Therese Raquin’. Tina speculates that maybe ENGLAND will see more of our hero since filming is to be in Europe. Elb follows in Catherine’s footsteps, and learns the Ancient Art of Ironing..... Sparkle gets a Take That freebie and her Mum falls victim to the Accursed Garden. Team ENGLAND practises Synchronised Ironing, and Jo’s mum is another stumbling casualty, with a grape to blame. Els loses the plot, but also attends to pressing matters, and Elb argues with her schizoid self. Blu decides Gerry needs mascara, and the non-PG13 Thought Department gets verra crowded........ Els and Elb discuss suckable Jack Sparrow (Elb has found POTC lollies in M&S) and Elb red-cards herself for OTT smut on the Sabbath.... Laundry Mountain lures Jo away, and Elb complains at the cost. Els frightens the neighbours with her singing, and Eeyore gives Elb a reprieve, which she promptly blows and heads back into the Naughty Corner with Naughty Thoughts......

Catherine is grumpy because she recorded a whole bunch of nothing instead of Puresex, so has to fall back on Gerry, while Els gets all domesticated and gives herself brain-ache by tidying her pig-sty.... Em arrives in aqualung after cleaning out her terrapin tank, and is on a sugar-high... Elb plays Shrink for Team ENGLAND, analyses Em’s ‘foot’ Gerdream and the reason for Els’ headache, then realises she is in dire need of self-analysis. She puts her back into it and gives birth to a bouncing baby thread.....

ENGLAND race on through to 79 - “Yapping at the Speed of Light!” and do just that.... Jo ponders the Laundry Law of Sod, and Em’s singing reminds Elb of zombie BritFlicks.... Jo is reminded to “Party on, Wayne!” when she hears ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’, and Els is attracted by Shiny Things on eBay.... Intrepid Galactic hero Elb does battle with the alien residents of her festering fridge, while Jo does John Travolta impressions from Grease.... Miss Hyde does research into ENGLAND’s beliefs, and Elb and Goffy have had near-death experiences....... while others range from Celtic Christianity through Qabalah to Agnosticism and Atheism. Uneasy with being serious, ENGLAND retreat to the silly corner and get back to what they do best!

Jo offers to teach G how to tie laces, but Elb reckons there is more fun to be had if he’s left to his own mistakes, and confused Snow arrives in the midst of mayhem, not knowing whether to do silly or serious! Goffy still isn’t sleeping, and an unsuspecting Breila checks into the asylum. Elb inspects Gerry’s jeans at close quarters in “Timeline” and spots something amiss.... Jo delays dinner to ‘help’ with verification.... and Eeyore’s Timeline picture causes ENGLAND to speak in tongues....or gibberish! ENGLAND bombard Jo with a variety of silly questions to push her over the edge into the Big 1000, and Euphemia posts rubbish, connected and unconnected, while Miss Hyde stands poised, ready to WOOT. Goffy suffers from premature articulation, and Em reckons Gerry is GM Butler.... (Genetically modified) Jo reaches her 1000th post, and the mass WOOTing begins....

ENGLAND then fall spectacularly into the Gutler with wicked innuendo and Elb puts the entire Team (including herself) into the Naughty Corner, where she gives a history lesson on the origins of the GutlerMine.... Jem wants to know what all the fuss is about, but can’t be ‘bortherd’ to read back, and Elb has a hiccup when her server crashes and sends her apologies via Catherine. Els descends to the Gutler on her own personal skidoo whilst paying close attention to DT’s finger-sucking and open shirtedness, and Miss Hyde brings Anthony Stuart Head to ENGLAND’s attention... Explorer Del returns from Skye with squillions of photos, and posts a taster online .....Sparkle thinks she’s Eeyore’s angel, but falls from grace into the Gutler with Team ENGLAND whilst Elb beats the gremlins and returns triumphant but distracted by Wet Gerry......... Daft adopts a starling named Dennis whilst issuing a Health & Safety announcement to Em regarding fried terrapins.... Euphemia makes shoe gags and Tina pops in briefly to say hi to Dennis before returning her fickle attention back to Jamie. ENGLAND decide that size DOES matter, and get the rulers out before concluding that Gerry has a big ......presence...... Sparkle hits 500 with the aid of a Patagonian Nose Vole, and doesn’t look a day older, and Yorkie FINALLY gets online with her all-singing, all-dancing sparkly new superduper computer! (Along with 19 inches of flat Gerry!) Em sticks her nose in whilst running a bath, and Euphemia reckons big hands (especially Gerry’s) would look good on her, pointing out that Em may drown... Daft gets Dennis to pose for snaps, and Goffy compliments Em on her domestificationness....

Yorkie issues a challenge to picspam her new computer with Gerriness, and ENGLAND obliges... Befuddled Catherine needs a lie-down with a large-handed Scot after the thread runs out of control, and picspam continues unabated... Loubylou cautiously bids good evening to the alleged ‘laydeez’ of ENGLAND, wary of their raunchy posts, and doesn’t know why she bothered taking her kids to the zoo: she had to bring them home again.... The sight of Red Death Pervy Phanty Pants and a nekkid Gerry with fruit is enough to send Tina heading for bed, and Els is undecided between Sea Cucumbers and bananas, while Jo irons with Terry. Yorkie vows never to mess with computers again, and bigs-up all of Team ENGLAND for their charitable efforts at the Get-Together last week ....Euphemia swears allegiance to Jamie despite finding him hard going and Jo too had troubles with him, while Em and Euphemia kiss and make up. Catherine points out that ENGLAND may well hit the century before Admin delete old threads, and Euphemia muses on the amount of British claptrap floating in cyberspace....Eeyore returns after computer troubles, randomly issuing WOOTs, and Jo and Euphemia recommend other authors to read after the Outlander series is finished... Catherine departs to separate her humping dogs and thence to bed, while Em finally reads Daft’s advice regarding suicidal terrapins... She livens a flagging ENGLAND up with more GerrySpam, provoking a WOOT from Jo. Yorkie has got sidetracked by virtual tours, and Signe returns to ENGLAND after Gerry starvation. Elb also returns after battling the cat for her dinner, and reprimands Yorkie for spending hubby’s dosh which should be spent on HER! Mr Yorkie gets hot and bothered, and has to be kissed better, while Em and Elb offer Signe conflicting advice on how to post her picture......Breila comes back in the hope of a quieter time, but discovers that ENGLAND have been playing with 19 inches of Gerry in her absence, and Loubylou celebrates 50 posts! Signe finally gets her face online, Jo shows up holding the HHH but Elb can’t recollect her from Glasgow, as she was having too good a time! Em thought that Elb would be a “crazy gypsy style wooman with mad black curly hair” but turned out verra different in London.... Yorkie returns, rather peeved at the tantrums being thrown by the newest addition to the family and is partially reassured by Breila’s tales of her own petulant computer.... Em decides to wear polo necks to meet Gerry, as she has free-range boobs, and Yorkie can’t recall Jo in Glasgow either....despite her bumping and grinding with the HHH! Certain attributes of the Leather Budgie Smugglers are discussed and compared....and Breila hopes to meet the BritTarts next time.Yorkie would have come to Em’s rescue in London with a safety pin to guard her assets, but wonders if we could have matched faces to names without being told.... Eeyore posts her picture, looking dignified in cap and gown, and Elb is curious as to how people see her.... The thread careers wildly out of control, runs out of room and is continued on into ENGLAND 80 - We’re as Old as Her Maj! - inspired by Eeyore’s suggestion....Elb starts her second thread of the day....ENGLAND head off for their ablutions, leaving the Danes to carry on chatting, and Jo bids goodnight with a picture of the cyberpug..........