ENGLAND 83 - The year of McEnroe and Navratilova at Wimbledon!

Euphemia is in bright and early to wake up Team ENGLAND, and ithe Breakfast Club is in jubilant mood. She and Catherine have just viewed The List....... Kelli too pops in to join in the celebrations, and Elb starts putting on her makeup, as it takes her a while to glam up........ Catherine is cheered up after a Gerdream that didn’t go to plan....Kelli assures ENGLAND that she will be bringing her Chris O’Donnell lookalike hubby to Glasgow, and Elb does a Kermit impression causing Jo to rename her Kermelb........... Catherine hopes she doesn’t talk in her sleep, Euphemia advertises Martini, and Elb is in a quandary over New York, but rushes off to do battle with the twonk at work.... Els offers to accompany Elb to NY, but her nerve-calming techniques leave something to be desired..... like nerve-calming...... and Catherine reminds Els that they found an alternative way of distracting Elb en route from Belfast.

Miss Hyde arrives in time for elevenses, is over the moon to find her name on the list, and adds her suggestion - Elbmit - to the pot...... Em also has weird Gerdreams, and Catherine suggests that ENGLAND should relax after the stresses of the last couple of days.... Cathy posts from work to say her son got the placement he wanted, so she is chuffed! Goffy is chuffed too that Team ENGLAND have become the GlitterTarti, but Els is less than chuffed that she has to sew badges on her less than hot but still stifling uniform..... The Twins panic over whether they are both on the list, but are assured they are....Goffy’s glittery thing tries to take over, so she knocks up a new siggy. Jem assures her it’s fine, and plans on taking dance lessons. ENGLAND debate whether Sir Sublime will attend any of the B&G showings, Em can’t stand it, and Goffy is already on the hunt for a dress for the Con - only a year early! She, Em and Jo begin the first of many discussions on what to wear.... Em goes all Trinny and Susannah, and admits she doesn’t want to grow up, while Jo refuses to wear heels as she’s afraid of heights... Breila’s got her outfit all sorted, down to a 100-pin hairdo - but hasn’t got a ticket, and Elb arrives home in sarky mood but chills out with a glass of wine and smelly feet..... Cathy and Ally are having a Gerryfest, Barbs reads the sports news, and it looks like Team ENGLAND will become Team eBay for the Con.... Jo needs steel-toecapped sandals, while Madame Els shops for girly chic online.... Breila dreams of Grandpa Gerry in stitches, and wakes in stitches, but not with Gerry, and Elb despairs of finding chic from RentaTent, so decides to go IN the red carpet.... Els continues her Chinese water-torture technique on Elb in the hope of Tarting About stateside, and Euphemia fights with her computer to let her catch up.... Elb worries about ENGLAND’s premature beautification, Euphemia worries about synchronised outfits, and Els is sniffing silver polish and thus is serious about a silly trip to NY.... Breila comments on how modern technology is prone to freezing, and Euphemia says the same is true if she breathes on her hubby..... Elb is startled by her singing junk mail, Tina too has technology troubles, and Catherine reports that Gusti will be home on Monday... Goffy cracks Elb up by recommending she run a virus scan on her post, and Euphemia tells her to watch out for ads for retirement homes, while what’s left of her mind goes on ahead to Scotland, looking for Donald’s troosers..... Em knows where they are, and Goffy feels a Muppet for misunderstanding Elb.....

Jo posts up the perfect top for Team ENGLAND - a scaffolded strapless version of the ENGLAND flag which defies gravity.....Elb wonders at the short-sightedness of estate agents and the blatant bull-sh***ing of Tesco checkout boys, and bemoans the disadvantages of big jugs with Euphemia, who trips over hers getting out of bed.... Elb needs a shovel, and can’t see her feet.....Feeling inadequate, Catherine heads off to bed...... Em asks Elb to send her a man with big hands, while Jo uploads Donald’s Troosers for ENGLAND to take down..... In answer to Tina’s questions, Elb suggests Eurythmics’ “Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves” as the new BritTart anthem, and describes a possible design for T-shirts..... It meets with tentative approval..... Tina has a message from Berenise in Crete, who is delighted to be on The List, and misses everyone. while Em’s boobs have a mind of their own and go wandering in the night.....Eeyore asks that we not use the St George’s flag for the T-shirts, and the Little People compare height.... Goffy posts a Greasy gibberish song, and ENGLAND wish Els luck in her musical endeavours tomorrow..... Yorkie arrives with Signe in tow, having moved Heaven, earth and Middle Earth to change her entire holiday so Yorkie-rella CAN go to the Gerry-Ball! The WOOTing commences like online fireworks..... Yet more songs are put forward, such as “Kiss Me”, “500 miles”, and “it’s a Small World”. Thanks Jo. NOT. Euphemia gathers up her pendulous appendages and shuffles off to bed, and Yorkie threatens to be Elb’s roomie in Glasgow, forgetting about hubby, who is also Elb’s VL....Thanks to Jo’s selection of Disney tunes, Yorkie heads off to bed via Memory Lane, and Elb points out that WOOTing will be on the cards tomorrow as she’s nearing 5000 posts, and drops heavy hints to Em for a thread title....Goffy has yet more Muppet moments before retiring, as does Jo, who decides she’s Beaker, and Loubylou finally catches up as everyone leaves! She too has made it onto the list....Snow sprays her monitor with tea and Goffy has Animal tendencies, while Eeyore goes all Fozzie....Breila feels left out, but decides that as a Scandinavian, she’ll have to be the Swedish Chef as she’s so clumsy, and Snow wonders about Gerry being a perma-prune, whilst quoting random facts about Denmark....Breila goes gooey over GM Gerry, pruney or not, realises she’s the only one up, and heads off to bed at last......

Leaving the end of the thread hanging over the yawning chasm that is thread 84............

ENGLAND 82 - It’s TartCon2! Booked and Paid For!.......

After the madness that was Registration Day, ENGLAND gets off to a slow start with Catherine and Elb once more posting in tandem, with Catherine doing all the pedalling, and Elb just along for the ride.... Snow joins BC at the tail end of her shift, unable to wind down, just as ENGLAND begin to wind up... Everyone is shattered after the shenanegins, but fortified by the feeling of camaraderie shown yesterday, particularly with all the DIY travel agenting on Yorkie’s behalf. ENGLAND pats itself on the back..... Snow avoids the strait-jacket, Jo suggests putting ‘Team ENGLAND’ in our sigs, and Elb will be wearing many hats to the Convention, or will clone herself.... She hares off to work with a twonk, but not for much longer, Lady Claire proves Elb’s theory of ENGLAND’s togetherness being a draw for many Honoraries, and Kelli wouldn’t mind being from ENGLAND. Jo misses her 1111th post, and Catherine tells Kelli and Denice they are already Hons for the Team. Kelli and Snow hope Gerry doesn’t ‘go Hollywood’, but Del and Jo reckon he needs to get noticed but will make his own choices... Kelli deletes her posts, which makes it verra difficult for Elb, sitting here blogging, to guess what was said! Del is multi-tarting and Jo notices a resemblance between the new B&G DVD artwork, and LOTR.... Daft is hyped-up and wants a chin-wag with fellow Mods, and Snow plans to fly to the UK via Trebuchet! Signe is confoosed again, and Sparkle joins the ‘Will Gerry go Hollywood’ discussion...Els doesn’t drop in..... but does.

Eeyore does lunch, and carries on pimping, while Blu wastes time....Em gets sentimental about Team ENGLAND, and morphs into the Wild Woo-man of Dudley-o... Yorkie plots to change her cruise without telling hubby, but is a wee bit more optimistic that she will get to TartCon2. Em reckons G owes Yorkie a ride....in his non-existent Lear jet, and hopes he’s not computer-savvy enough to read her invisible writing....

ENGLAND re-convene for early-evening picspam, and complain about the heat. Elb returns home from work in homicidal mood, but is placated by Sergeant Goffy who stuffs as much Gerry in as possible..... Em, Goffy and Euphemia talk filthy ice lollies, whilst Barbs tells Elb to chill..... Euphemia doesn’t even pretend to be an adult, while Goffy is in permanent “Carry On Butler” mode... Jo belts in to announce that the Con has SOLD OUT....and Team ENGLAND cross their fingers. Elb returns in a better frame of mind, and relays messages from Catherine - PC having hissy-fit and may, or may not get online, and Gracie, who sends her love, and has just visited Burns’ cottage..... Breila has a good day at work, as her boss isn’t there, and vows to travel to Scotland despite not getting a ticket. Goffy and Em go sparkly with ‘Team ENGLAND’ badges on their siggies, and Euphemia thinks Elb is a medium...(she asks where Grandad buried his stash...) Eeyore smells like a posh Tart’s boudoir, and Miss Hyde announces it’s only 3 months, 3 weeks and 5 shopping days before the C-word..... It’s also 13 months until the Convention..... Jo goes tux-shopping for Marek but returns empty-handed, and Cathy turns into Victor Meldrew on hearing the Con is a sell-out! Em is berated by Elb for saying the C - word, and is sent to the Naughty Corner.... Despite groans all round, the Word is repeated by many....and complaints of the cost of the C - word, but Daft has her son’s 18th to pay for, Euphemia has Magdalena’s 18th, Jo’s daughter will be 16, Cathy has her daughter’s wedding, and Elb is still in shock at being asked to cough up for a £900 dress! Talk swiftly returns to the Con after Barbs says they had an email from Debi confirming their place after an earlier mix-up, so Elb muses that the rest of ENGLAND registered BEFORE the Twins, so should have got on The List.... Eeyore posts a Real Friend test she received from Debbie Goddard - ENGLAND get sentimental again.... Euphemia suggests the Birdie Song as the BritTart anthem, whereas Miss Hyde wants the Archers theme..... The Twins get a new siggy, and Elb wishes Kermit a happy 50th....

Del returns from Loch Lomond, where she bumped into Gusti again, and posts pics of cows in need of a haircut.... Tension rises once more in ENGLAND as the team await confirmation that they have made it onto The List..... Yorkie plans to change the date of her holiday to accommodate Gerry, and despite Elb’s efforts to get Em to threadstart 83, Catherine has to step in....

ENGLAND 83 - The year of MacEnroe and Navratilova at Wimbledon - begins with the news that tennis has been halted by bad light, and the BritTarts drool over strawberries and cream..... Catherine has to leave “before the grumpire gives me a code violation” and an exhausted Els blows in after a three-hour band practise..... Del posts random factoids about flautists, and Em is too late for threadstarting, but delighted to find someone else who hates sports! Elb temporarily loves football as she’s finishing early on Saturday “to watch the match”, and reckons that Els will have distended lips after all the tooting..... Els however finds that perving over the bandmaster helps......

Em causes heart failure when she announces that The List is up! ENGLAND rush off en masse to check, and when they return, it is evident that almost ALL of Team ENGLAND are going to Glasgow!!!!! There are tremendous sighs of relief, and the equivalent of online fireworks are launched, in the form of sparkly Team ENGLAND banners! Daft celebrates by working on the computer in her garden and picking bugs out of her beer... Snow is verklempt at Eeyore’s piccie for her friend, and Elb is mightily relieved that she and the others are ON THE LIST!!! She vows that Team ENGLAND will show the US how Tarting About should really be done.... Smugs fears she will be the lone Danish Tart, but ENGLAND promise to hug her to their collective bosom in Glasgow... Speaking of bosoms - Em and Elb make a note to gaffer-tape their boobs in place to avoid any sudden spillage, and Yorkie (former Boob Wrangler to Elb at TartCon1) sets homework for the team.....

Elb finally catches up as everyone else heads off to bed, and is left to close down the thread for the night. She hopes the cat is out, pug is in and poop-free, and that someone else remembered to set up for Breakfast Club, because she’s too tired......

ENGLAND reaches 81 - or is it 18?

ENGLAND is up at the crack of dawn, for today is the day that tickets go on sale for TartCon2!!! Tina cannot sleep and has an early breakfast, followed by Catherine and Elb, who appear to have developed an uncanny knack for simultaneous posting! Permission has been granted to use the B&G poster art for T shirts, and Elb has hers under way already, while Catherine collides with dogs... Kelli pops in for BC, missing Elb somewhere in cyberspace, as she has gone to the KT ! Elb lectures on ‘T-shirt printing for the Clueless’, Tina answers to anything, and Jo was also up at unearthly o’clock..... The site is ominously slow, and ENGLAND collectively cross their fingers. They mull over where the Con is going to be, how big it will be, and whether the site will crash...... Snow is grouchy because the BritTarts are too bladdy bouncy, and Daft wishes everyone well for the day before heading off to a tedious conference... Snow gets bored and whiney, while ENGLAND study their horoscopes, and Sparkle decides to go to the Con come Hell or high water.... Euphemia is in “Are we there yet?” mode, and Jo and Elb get home for lunch...

ENGLAND bounce some more, and fill the time with doing polls for under-rated actors..... Tina worries about whether she can book tickets for her, Berenise and both hubbies, and Els begins a countdown...... The Team begin to arrive, and Private Goffy reports for duty to Commander-in-Chief Elb, Tina takes up nail-biting, and Em and the Twins join the tense Tarts online. Euphemia crosses everything but still worries, Tina makes a decision, and Louby is ready to throw her PC out of the window....The tension rises, but Euphemia thinks it’s just wind, and Elb has sad news about her terminally sick washing machine. ENGLAND holds a respectful silence for a minute, then Elb addresses the troops once more to get them assembled for Registration, but the illusion is spoiled when she has to pee.....

There are multiple Gergasms throughout ENGLAND as the team await the magical hour of 3pm... which ticks past......Sweat beads on the brows of Team ENGLAND, poised with mouse fingers twitching, and credit cards clutched in sweaty hands...It’s all too much for Sergeant Wolfshead, who cracks under the strain and posts a wobbly in triplicate, then all Hell breaks loose as the World and his wife try to get into the site for registration....

Gradually, ENGLAND return to the thread reporting success in registering - First past the post is Els, then Goffy, followed by Catherine. Euphemia THINKS she has - and the exciteable BritTarts talk hotels. Kelli from the KT has also had success, Miss Hyde has almost booked and Tina is grateful that an anonymous BritTart has paid for the Wolfshead/Berenise party’s deposit..... ENGLAND do what they do second best, and worry that they’ve filled out the forms correctly, where to stay and whether to start planning yet.... although the Con is more than a year away! Team Hubby is beginning to amass more members with old hands Lord Wolfshead and Mr Berenise, and Mr JoMar adds to the ranks.... Elb promotes Goffy to Sergeant, and Catherine missed celebrating 2222 posts in all the giddiness! Belated WOOTs take place! Tina starts a planning thread in the Get-Togethers, and Sparkle jumps on the bandwagon, while tired ENGLAND awaits the posting of the Attendees list....

Laura makes a quiet entrance, just to reassure ENGLAND that she’s around, but not feeling sociable, and Elb is so busy blogging the earlier posts that she fails to notice ENGLAND has gone quiet..... On investigation, she finds that they have moved over to the planning thread and are busy gassing about Glasgow! Sparkle and Jo get a giggle out of Elb’s Final Address to the Troops via text, especially as Jo’s phone gave her good (but silent!) vibrations.... Cathy too has registered, and is relieved that TartCon2 is after her daughter’s wedding... There is excitement over the Hollywood Glam aspect of the Con, but Jo and Elb don’t DO glam.... Elb has had calls from both Gusti and Del, and booked them both places at the Con, and is thinking of charging booking fees! Goffy peels her eyeballs, which accounts for her seeing Elb as Audrey Hepburn glam...... Elb makes note to buy Goffy some serious glasses and a white stick..... Daft also joins the No-Glam Brigade, and Elb ponders a Shelley Winters look, only marginally more alive, while Goffy is after an LBD and becomes ENGLAND’s Glasgow Fashion Guru..... Em wants to do the new thread, but holds back while Elb posts one she made earlier.....

.....and ENGLAND roll smoothly into ‘82 - It’s TartCon2! Booked and Paid For!’....... launching immediately into Panic Stations because Yorkie has to be in Rome the day after TartCon.......... In the midst of Tart mayhem, Elb announces she does Bolox rather than Botox, and goes to sit in the naughty corner. Team ENGLAND become impromptu travel agents, combing the Net for solutions to Yorkie’s dilemma, while Cathy pedals off round her bedroom to Pompeii...... Els is icky, so doesn’t hang around, and Eeyore has also registered for Glasgow 07. Del arrives back online after spending the day with Gusti again, and Tina wonders if the Red Carpet theme of TartCon2 has anything to do with the possible premiere of “300”.... Jo steadfastly refuses to wear leather undies, Catherine thinks the premiere is March anyway, and Smugs arrives to chaos, also having booked a place.... Goffy may have found Yorkie a solution, and ENGLAND feel all warm and fuzzy because they are working together.... Catherine wants to put Team ENGLAND in for Fan of the Month.... and Yorkie is uber-grateful for all the help. Del asks for opinions on an image, and gets a variety of answers, while Eeyore does battle with her new chair and loses.... Elb is impatient to know if the squad have made it onto the ‘G’ list, and winds up ‘Worried of Mitcham’....

Del is having Brain Farts, and Euphemia wonders whether her ears spin round as a result, while Miss Hyde worries that she has peed off DebiDM due to errors in ticket paymentage. Del replies that her aural receivers occasionally fall off, and has trouble with exploding grey matter.... Eeyore posts the view from her window, and ENGLAND draw a collective breath, as the mountain view is spectacular. Euphemia worries about creating the right effing impression, and Snow shows up, a tad jealous that she can’t make TartCon2..... Elb is jealous of Eeyore’s outlook, and can only see ghetto life or leaves, as her house is slowly being eaten by Triffids.......She reassures Euphemia that NOBODY is as effing crude as she..... Del needs a PA, Jo is off to the Highlands(hortbread tin) and Cathy turns her fickle attention to Laurent instead of Jamie....Miss Hyde encourages ‘gril’ power, and Eeyore finally wins the Battle of the Chair. Yorkie heads off to drown her sorrows in a bubble bath, Breila takes a break from being a UN Family PeaceKeeper, and has yet to book her ticket, while Em rants against Paypal who won’t let her log in and change her payment..... ENGLAND comforts both....Yorkie has non-working chocolate, and Em needs a semi-nekkid Attila to cheer her up as Paypal nearly drives her to drink...... ENGLAND hits the picspam to cheer Em and Breila up, and in the flurry of picspam that ensues, Em is nearly sick at the sight of ginger spamminess. Elb has overdosed on webbiness, and has racked up nearly ten hours straight online..... She even WOOTs for football! Breila gets poetic, Jo wonders about cyberkennels and Daft does a brain fart...ENGLAND finally gives in and retires for the night, leaving Snow at her desk, describing her job to Elb, who went to sleep some time ago.........

And finally, Team ENGLAND falls quiet after the madness that was TartCon2 Registration Day......

ENGLAND 80 going on 81.........

Grateful that ENGLAND stayed in one thread last night, Elb nips in with Catherine hard on her heels and Euphemia not far behind, worrying about just about everything! Elb gets stroppy about being Web Mummy, as she’s the youngest of ENGLAND’s early morning coven....Kelli pops in for a TransAtlantic rant which she promptly deletes, and Tina joins the Worriers, wondering if Team ENGLAND will succeed in securing their places tomorrow.... Daft announces the sad demise of Dennis, and ENGLAND mourn, for he has ceased to be.....Elb is paranoid about the anonymity of Worriers Anonymous, and orders B&G from Amazon to take her mind off worrying...Jo notes that DebiDM has made a post about tomorrow’s announcement and ENGLAND start worrying afresh....Daft thanks ENGLAND for their sympathy and fantasises about defrocking priests, Eeyore joins Worriers Not-So-Anonymous, and Els is being driven nuts by speculation about ‘Priest’, while Breila spits tea over Erik. Del crashes in from Gleneagles and is off to meet Gusti later....

Em and Eeyore do lunch, while Blu is insane with excitement at having a freezer, and Goffy empathises..... Jo joins her for afternoon tea, and worries about no notifications, but Catherine explains that Spam is the answer to it all....Em’s glad her friend is on the road to recovery, and Elb arrives at the end of today’s posts to find nobody at home..... A while later, Sparkle creeps in feeling low and in need of a hug, then Miss Hyde jumps aboard ENGLAND and she and Elb play Pirates.....and Catherine is in need of Strange(r) love, but can’t decide how much luggage she’ll need....Eeyore too is down, as Baker Boy is a no-go area, and she is chairless. Elb offers unsolicited advice to poor cyberkid, and tells Catherine to travel light in Glasgow. There is good news about Catherine’s sister, who is merely anaemic, but Euphemia suffers a ‘fatal error’ which doesn’t bode well for tomorrow’s ConWatch.... Tina absconds from work to take up position in the Team ENGLAND trenches, and The Breakfast Coven agree on Elb’s theory of How To Get A Man..... Elb basks in Goffy’s praise for the blog, and hides online so someone else will start the new thread.... Els is sad for her bro’s bust-up, but glad that he’ll be with the family again, and she and Catherine do battle for the honour of ThreadStarting....

Catherine wins, and posts up ‘ENGLAND reaches 81 - or is it 18?’, and Goffy gets over-excited and does a Gerry-stutter, posting Elb’s favourite picture not once, not twice, but THREE times! Tina regards Team ENGLAND as a modern-day Dad’s Army, and Barbs too appreciates the finer points of Abridged....She also raises the issue of August Tarting About.... Loubylou is also suffering from the PC gremlins.... is it a virus spread by overseas Tarts, so Team ENGLAND will lose out in the rush for tickets? Jo and Catherine head off to watch Dear Frankie on Sky, Em is aghast at another thread, and Daft wishes ENGLAND luck tomorrow in the scramble for tickets. Cathy can hear again, and inspired by Tina’s comment about military operations, Elb makes a stirring Churchillian speech about Team ENGLAND fighting on the internet.... Em sings the theme from “Dad’s Army” and alludes to non-PG13 goings-on on the Home Front.... Goffy is the crazy cousin, Eeyore is the Spiv, and Elb rushes around a la Corporal Jones.... Elb then gets another call from Gusti who is sitting in the Corinthian Hotel with Delanie, where Lizzie met The Stranger! She has also been to the ‘Dear Frankie’ beach!

Cathy, motivated by Elb’s rousing address, leaps on her exercise bike and pedals for ENGLAND, Goffy is full of bravado (and something else), and Eeyore buys Jo Malone..... Breila escapes from Real Life and joins the BritTarts to tell Barbs what everyone wants from Jo Malone’s, while Sparkle returns from yoga and kink-ironing, and wonders if power has gone to Elb’s head...Elb is Lost in Translation, and Els reappears to apologise for being AWOL, but is on Bro Cheer-Up duty. Catherine is all warm and snuggly post-Dear Frankie, and wants to follow in Gusti’s footsteps, but is having a camel sort of day.....ENGLAND have a stab at translating the German that Gusti sent Elb but to no avail, and Del checks in after having a marathon chinwag with Gusti..... Breila gets starry-eyed over Nutmeg & Ginger, and Elb goes for a rendezvous with Sweaty Sawyer... Del posts pics from around Glasgow then joins the masses getting Lost, while Eeyore, Breila and Jo talk smells, and long-lost Yorkie zaps back online after her son performs miracles! Snow arrives late, as usual, and Jo and Goffy reckon Debi has booked Celtic Football Club for TartCon2.....Elb is uber-ecstatic to see Yorkie online again, and ENGLAND is treated to a triple Gergasm! Snow needs an Elb dictionary, was confoosed and confooses Jo, and Elb is just easily confoosed..... Goffy studies Mormonism and explains a little to Team ENGLAND, while Yorkie fears the Curse of Elb and she and Elb Gergasm again......Coffee is laid on for the late-nighters again, and Yorkie holds her hand up to being a sinner..... Goffy and Elb are candidates for a lightning strike, but reckon it’s more fun! Elb has trouble with images again, and Snow has trouble with her end.... She is sad not to be going to Glasgow, and gets lumbered with doggy-sitting, while Yorkie is amazed at the distances some are prepared to travel for the Con..... Snow shoots off to despatch her brave guys to a house fire, and Elb takes the opportunity to close ENGLAND down for the night, leaving a link to the Gerry Fan Dictionary for Snow when she gets back.....

Elb makes a hasty exit before anyone else comes online.......

ENGLAND 80 - We’re as Old as Her Maj!

Exhausted from the interminable blogging from the previous night, Elb is beaten to Breakfast Club by Catherine, who is tartfully trying to catch up... The weather has turned, and Elb ponders how the absent Breakfast Clubber, Gusti is getting on. Tina and Jo sign in, and Catherine celebrates losing weight by eating a bun, but the strain is too much and her back gives out.... Elb heads off to work after eating bird seed.... Jo debates pulling a sickie on Wednesday, as hubby doesn’t know his Els from his Elbmow, and posts news of a possible new role for Gerry as a warrior priest!

ENGLAND wishes Debbie Goddard many happy returns, and Eeyore is crotchety after little sleep, but gets to see her baker-boy! Breila and Catherine wonder how the new film will fit in with ‘Therese Raquin’, and Loubylou contemplates catching the Wednesday virus, while Em’s good intentions are wasted when her gym is closed! Barbs offers advice for Catherine’s back, Signe lingers for lunch and Yorkie grumbles about her permanently open wallet..... Eeyore joins Goffy in naughty thoughts about Father Gerard, and Breila wishes she was at Wimbledon, assuring Em that pigeons in the rain aren’t boring at all....ENGLAND goes all sensible again and discusses the cost of University - Blu is STILL paying for hers, while Yorkie is paying for two. Breila reveals that Uni in Denmark is free, but the cost of living is high - Yorkie nips out to plant money trees!

Partially-degenerate Catherine survives work, but worries about her sister who is due to see a neurologist after her fit. She also points out (beating Yorkie to it!) that registration for TartCon2 opens at 3pm Wednesday.....ENGLAND wonders if the GB.net servers will hold up to the inevitable online stampede..... There is hopeful news about Catherine’s sister, and Gracie turns up to wish ENGLAND a happy 80th, while Elb relays a phone call from Gusti in Glasgow, where she is currently splashing out on Nutmeg & Ginger! Gusti is fit and well, sends her love and misses everyone, but gets the giggles when told of Gerry’s new role. Breila compliments Elb on ENGLAND...Abridged, and Elb blushes, pleased. Gracie enquires about the TartVid that Goffy and Em have in production, and Goffy says that it needs more pics but is coming along fine! Sparkle joins the Father Gerard Appreciation Society, but is off for some Doc Hunky and Sweaty Sawyer, while Cathy whizzes off to catch up after ENGLAND’s marathon Double-Threadfest yesterday......Gracie too signs up for the FGAS before she goes incommunicado in a caravan. Breila thinks Gerry would be sexy as a telephone pole, and ENGLAND get hot under their collective collars at the thought...... Elb for once is speechless......

Long-absent Marsha arrives to tell a tale of woe: illness, expenses incurred due to vandals, and the demise of her computer.... Cathy has caught up bar Abridged, and has her fingers crossed for son’s interview. Catherine explains to Breila that Jo Malone’s in Glasgow is a target for the Travelling Tarts (she and Elb) next month, and reckons Gerry’s new role is a right mouthful, while ENGLAND desperately try to self-moderate after Breila’s ‘telephone pole’ comment. Els is in a bad mood, and “is not here”, but is.... Berenise does a fly-by, and is off on holiday tomorrow, wishing everyone luck for the Wednesday Ticket Lunacy.....Gracie wonders if a 6ft 2 warrior priest vampire hunter can cheer Els up, while Em is much relieved that her friend will soon be out of hospital. Marsha feels snuggly-hugged, ENGLAND wish Gracie well for her holiday, and Loubylou requests some of Yorkie’s money-tree seeds. Daft and Dennis are still together, and Daft adds her input to the Uni fees debate, and Elb joins Els in the Bad Mood Room after a tirade against pushy mobile phone sales folk.......Yorkie too qualifies for entry and guiltily admits that Gerry in ‘Priest’ isn’t pushing her buttons...... The Bad Mood Room begins to get crowded.... Marsha suggests a padded cell for Elb, and ENGLAND lose their grip on self-moderation after Elb ponders what vampire-hunting priests wear (or don’t wear!) under their cassocks.......Yorkie receives a Get-Out-of-the-Bad-Mood-Room free card in the form of AttilaSpam, and Goffy suggests a wind machine to solve the mystery of clerical undercrackers....... Cathy panics over mislaid jottings and imagines leather-clad Gerry while Em sees G as a pirate or a nutter, and Breila, a nerdy professor! Goffy teaches Breila how to post pictures with instant success, and Catherine worries about Therese Raquin again. Jo posts links with info about ‘Priest’ - four times - as her lappy has hiccups!

Marsha returns to cheerfully announce her knickers have snapped, and Tina’s perception of Gerry’s new role is enough to cheer anyone up! Snow throws a nekkid Gerry to the girls in the Bad Mood Room, which puts Elb in huggy mode, Jo’s too scared to post, and soggy Snow avoids getting fried by having a non-electric mower in the rain...... Breila posts Bad-Mood Gerry to sit next to Jo, and Euphemia struggles online at last...... and promptly vanishes. Everyone worries about Wednesday. Elb is in charge of getting Gusti a ticket, and doesn’t even know her real name! Tina and Goffy discuss ouija boards and throwing up, while Els is immensely cheered by a DT vid on Youtube. ENGLAND agonise over how Gerry will look as the Priest, but decide the end result will still be droolworthy... Catherine retires to rest her back, and NOT to dream of Gerry, while Quiet Admirer is somewhat over-enthusiastic, and Snow heads off to alleviate a migraine. Barbs drops in with questions and sympathies, and Elb relays another message - this time from Yorkie who cannot get online due to her temperamental modem, and is taking up swearing.... There is yet MORE discussion over ‘Priest’ and yet more panicking over TartCon2, whilst Yorkie - via Elb - screams in frustration.... Cathy has confidence in Gerry’s role-choices, but Elb is a wimp and prefers nice happy films whereas her protege Goffy is a romantic blood & guts fan......

Eeyore sends Mum on a mission to check out her suitor and Elb is distracted from the thread by a phone call from Yorkie who asks to be added to Elb’s TartCon Ticket shopping list.... As promised earlier, Elb digs out a manip of blond Gerry, and the unanimous verdict is “EEEEUUUWW!” (Sorry Ger!) Jo gets pug-poop duties, but would rather play with the Hamster and passes the pup to Breila who gets excited about POTO until she realises she doesn’t get Sky.... Eeyore asks about ENGLAND’s favourite fragrances, and Breila’s family have bought out Jo Malone in varying smells! Elb is happy wearing “Happy”..........

Finally, ENGLAND falls asleep, to dream perchance of Father Gerard going commando........

ENGLAND 78-9 ‘Yapping at the Speed of Light’ - and then some!

Catherine has Breakfast Club alone while ENGLAND has a lie-in, until Tina surfaces much later and Elb arrives later still after being woken by a tail-chasing cat under the duvet.... Catherine and Elb have an early-morning Gergasm and talk turns to the new-look Ger from Vegas, hoping that this is for his role in ‘Therese Raquin’. Tina speculates that maybe ENGLAND will see more of our hero since filming is to be in Europe. Elb follows in Catherine’s footsteps, and learns the Ancient Art of Ironing..... Sparkle gets a Take That freebie and her Mum falls victim to the Accursed Garden. Team ENGLAND practises Synchronised Ironing, and Jo’s mum is another stumbling casualty, with a grape to blame. Els loses the plot, but also attends to pressing matters, and Elb argues with her schizoid self. Blu decides Gerry needs mascara, and the non-PG13 Thought Department gets verra crowded........ Els and Elb discuss suckable Jack Sparrow (Elb has found POTC lollies in M&S) and Elb red-cards herself for OTT smut on the Sabbath.... Laundry Mountain lures Jo away, and Elb complains at the cost. Els frightens the neighbours with her singing, and Eeyore gives Elb a reprieve, which she promptly blows and heads back into the Naughty Corner with Naughty Thoughts......

Catherine is grumpy because she recorded a whole bunch of nothing instead of Puresex, so has to fall back on Gerry, while Els gets all domesticated and gives herself brain-ache by tidying her pig-sty.... Em arrives in aqualung after cleaning out her terrapin tank, and is on a sugar-high... Elb plays Shrink for Team ENGLAND, analyses Em’s ‘foot’ Gerdream and the reason for Els’ headache, then realises she is in dire need of self-analysis. She puts her back into it and gives birth to a bouncing baby thread.....

ENGLAND race on through to 79 - “Yapping at the Speed of Light!” and do just that.... Jo ponders the Laundry Law of Sod, and Em’s singing reminds Elb of zombie BritFlicks.... Jo is reminded to “Party on, Wayne!” when she hears ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’, and Els is attracted by Shiny Things on eBay.... Intrepid Galactic hero Elb does battle with the alien residents of her festering fridge, while Jo does John Travolta impressions from Grease.... Miss Hyde does research into ENGLAND’s beliefs, and Elb and Goffy have had near-death experiences....... while others range from Celtic Christianity through Qabalah to Agnosticism and Atheism. Uneasy with being serious, ENGLAND retreat to the silly corner and get back to what they do best!

Jo offers to teach G how to tie laces, but Elb reckons there is more fun to be had if he’s left to his own mistakes, and confused Snow arrives in the midst of mayhem, not knowing whether to do silly or serious! Goffy still isn’t sleeping, and an unsuspecting Breila checks into the asylum. Elb inspects Gerry’s jeans at close quarters in “Timeline” and spots something amiss.... Jo delays dinner to ‘help’ with verification.... and Eeyore’s Timeline picture causes ENGLAND to speak in tongues....or gibberish! ENGLAND bombard Jo with a variety of silly questions to push her over the edge into the Big 1000, and Euphemia posts rubbish, connected and unconnected, while Miss Hyde stands poised, ready to WOOT. Goffy suffers from premature articulation, and Em reckons Gerry is GM Butler.... (Genetically modified) Jo reaches her 1000th post, and the mass WOOTing begins....

ENGLAND then fall spectacularly into the Gutler with wicked innuendo and Elb puts the entire Team (including herself) into the Naughty Corner, where she gives a history lesson on the origins of the GutlerMine.... Jem wants to know what all the fuss is about, but can’t be ‘bortherd’ to read back, and Elb has a hiccup when her server crashes and sends her apologies via Catherine. Els descends to the Gutler on her own personal skidoo whilst paying close attention to DT’s finger-sucking and open shirtedness, and Miss Hyde brings Anthony Stuart Head to ENGLAND’s attention... Explorer Del returns from Skye with squillions of photos, and posts a taster online .....Sparkle thinks she’s Eeyore’s angel, but falls from grace into the Gutler with Team ENGLAND whilst Elb beats the gremlins and returns triumphant but distracted by Wet Gerry......... Daft adopts a starling named Dennis whilst issuing a Health & Safety announcement to Em regarding fried terrapins.... Euphemia makes shoe gags and Tina pops in briefly to say hi to Dennis before returning her fickle attention back to Jamie. ENGLAND decide that size DOES matter, and get the rulers out before concluding that Gerry has a big ......presence...... Sparkle hits 500 with the aid of a Patagonian Nose Vole, and doesn’t look a day older, and Yorkie FINALLY gets online with her all-singing, all-dancing sparkly new superduper computer! (Along with 19 inches of flat Gerry!) Em sticks her nose in whilst running a bath, and Euphemia reckons big hands (especially Gerry’s) would look good on her, pointing out that Em may drown... Daft gets Dennis to pose for snaps, and Goffy compliments Em on her domestificationness....

Yorkie issues a challenge to picspam her new computer with Gerriness, and ENGLAND obliges... Befuddled Catherine needs a lie-down with a large-handed Scot after the thread runs out of control, and picspam continues unabated... Loubylou cautiously bids good evening to the alleged ‘laydeez’ of ENGLAND, wary of their raunchy posts, and doesn’t know why she bothered taking her kids to the zoo: she had to bring them home again.... The sight of Red Death Pervy Phanty Pants and a nekkid Gerry with fruit is enough to send Tina heading for bed, and Els is undecided between Sea Cucumbers and bananas, while Jo irons with Terry. Yorkie vows never to mess with computers again, and bigs-up all of Team ENGLAND for their charitable efforts at the Get-Together last week ....Euphemia swears allegiance to Jamie despite finding him hard going and Jo too had troubles with him, while Em and Euphemia kiss and make up. Catherine points out that ENGLAND may well hit the century before Admin delete old threads, and Euphemia muses on the amount of British claptrap floating in cyberspace....Eeyore returns after computer troubles, randomly issuing WOOTs, and Jo and Euphemia recommend other authors to read after the Outlander series is finished... Catherine departs to separate her humping dogs and thence to bed, while Em finally reads Daft’s advice regarding suicidal terrapins... She livens a flagging ENGLAND up with more GerrySpam, provoking a WOOT from Jo. Yorkie has got sidetracked by virtual tours, and Signe returns to ENGLAND after Gerry starvation. Elb also returns after battling the cat for her dinner, and reprimands Yorkie for spending hubby’s dosh which should be spent on HER! Mr Yorkie gets hot and bothered, and has to be kissed better, while Em and Elb offer Signe conflicting advice on how to post her picture......Breila comes back in the hope of a quieter time, but discovers that ENGLAND have been playing with 19 inches of Gerry in her absence, and Loubylou celebrates 50 posts! Signe finally gets her face online, Jo shows up holding the HHH but Elb can’t recollect her from Glasgow, as she was having too good a time! Em thought that Elb would be a “crazy gypsy style wooman with mad black curly hair” but turned out verra different in London.... Yorkie returns, rather peeved at the tantrums being thrown by the newest addition to the family and is partially reassured by Breila’s tales of her own petulant computer.... Em decides to wear polo necks to meet Gerry, as she has free-range boobs, and Yorkie can’t recall Jo in Glasgow either....despite her bumping and grinding with the HHH! Certain attributes of the Leather Budgie Smugglers are discussed and compared....and Breila hopes to meet the BritTarts next time.Yorkie would have come to Em’s rescue in London with a safety pin to guard her assets, but wonders if we could have matched faces to names without being told.... Eeyore posts her picture, looking dignified in cap and gown, and Elb is curious as to how people see her.... The thread careers wildly out of control, runs out of room and is continued on into ENGLAND 80 - We’re as Old as Her Maj! - inspired by Eeyore’s suggestion....Elb starts her second thread of the day....ENGLAND head off for their ablutions, leaving the Danes to carry on chatting, and Jo bids goodnight with a picture of the cyberpug..........

ENGLAND - 78 RPM (repeats picspam mostly...)

Catherine pips Elb at the post, getting ENGLAND on the go with a full Geatish breakfast and worries about the safety of a non-existent cyber-pug.... Elb wonders how Gusti the Itinerant is getting on in Scotland, and ponders the fine length of GB’s thighs. She looks forward to tonight’s Doctor Who and Anatomy Class on the KT which returns for Summer School..... Els gets spruced up in anticipation of a gig, and wants to polish the Bandmaster.....Jo offers Wulfy the full English(woo-man) and Breila dreams of full-on Erik, but wakes at PONR, while Jo’s dreams were more mundane, featuring G trolley-pushing in Tesco! Sparkle arrives with a hangover, and Euphemia wrestles with duvets in the aftermath of Morris’s incontinence. Her dream left her smiling for days.... Tina celebrates getting online again, and Euphemia joins the post-Tarting-Blues club with a quote du jour: “Hard work never killed anyone - but why take the chance?!”

Tina pre-empts the allotted time for Tennant-Tottiness, as she may not be in later, and posts T-T picspam early....duly hoovered up by Eeyore. Long-time-no-see Miss Hyde blames her exams, and has new lappiness which will prove useful for posting on GB.net. Oh - and at Uni....... Daft considers swapping GB for DT, and Eeyore makes a Public Service announcement that Puresex is repeating himself tonight on TV... Em gets the giggles at Scots Oats and has a shower whilst washing her car.... Els, back from bandying about, is boiled alive in her woollies and suffers from flutal amnesia. Catherine toasts the anniversary of Tarting About, and Miss Hyde gets her results in August.

Eeyore poses the question: loadsamoney or loadsaGerry? She and Breila choose Gerry, but Em wants both.... Next question is: Whichever you choose, what would you do with it? Em and Eeyore fancy posh hotels and shopping with Ger, but would settle debts and buy houses with dosh..... Miss Hyde takes the money and runs, Snow joins in, and Snowdon disappears.... Elb arrives home from work and has no idea what ENGLAND are up to... Snow too takes the money, and Team ENGLAND watch Doc Who. Yorkie gets a new computer but it’s not up to spec, so she waits for PC World to open up again...... Jo plans to be spontaneous with Gerry, and Snow envies ENGLAND their history. They decide that big hands ARE a good thing on a man, and Goffy confirms ENGLAND’s mercenary nature by going for the sponduliks too....Eeyore thinks she gets Gerry to herself, but has to fight off Yorkie, who is still smarting from her so-near-yet-so-far encounter with Gerry. Bemused Elb is in and out like a fiddler’s elbow and is an accident waiting to happen, with sore feet in water under her desk, whilst attached to the National Grid! She rushes off again, late for Anatomy in the KT, where she and Catherine get detention.....

Els considers swapping tooting flutes for playing bass as she’ll earn brownie points with her belusted Bandy.... Daft books 48 hours with Gerry behind locked doors, and Em finally decides on Gerry as long as she can flog his socks for cash... Eeyore is pleased with this week’s portion of Doc Who-ness, as there is a surfeit of DT’s toothy grin, and Sparkle decides that, as a spendthrift, she’ll have to go for Gerry as her choice. Goffy’s had a weird day, and Euphemia impatiently entertains guests when she’d rather be posting. Goffy forgets to take the pineapple rings out of the tin when playing Gerry hoop-la..... Tina flies by on full beam after Tennantness, comments on fruitiness, and books her place for Breakfast Club... Catherine stays up to play and ENGLAND wonders where Elb has gone - has she queue-jumped to jump GB? When Jo says BOGOF, Euphemia takes offence while Elb gets bored with PureArse, then gets paranoid as Jo, Em and Miss Hyde leave as soon as she enters the fray! Elb leaves, and Jo and Breila return, Breila having acquired a hot new siggy meanwhile with Signe’s emergency help....and Jo recounts another tame Gerdream before retiring in the hope of an X-rated one... Eeyore and Breila form the Book Club and discuss Jane Austen and Adrian Mole, then it’s time for bye-byes, with Daft off practising cat-batting and Eeyore and Snow setting up breakfast for the morning crew with leather-kilted Gerry on guard....

ENGLAND snores....................

ENGLAND 77-78 : the Sound of Music, ants and picspam!

Picking through the debris of last night’s Von Trappfest, Catherine opens ENGLAND’s curtains and hopes she is not alone.... Snow and Signe join her and mull over beverages whilst Elb, despite having a day off work, shows dedication to the cause and gets up for BC.... Signe gets excited about a fridge, and Elb wonders how Snow can post from work, while still despatching emergency services to the right addresses.....Euphemia is still battling ants, and has the hairdo from Hell this morning.... Jo bounces in, far too bright for the hour.... Elb ponders using coffee on her bog-brush hair instead of mousse, while her pussy needs medical attention, and Euphemia is pantless until sufficient caffeine allows co-ordination for dressing! Loobrush and Medusa, (discount hair salons) are formed......Signe runs to (or from) reality, and Catherine downloads and consumes a variety of buns. ENGLAND hires a familiar waiter for BC, and Berenise has Breakfast Club to go, as she’s at work... Seeing Elb’s array of Drool Pit staff, Jo feels the need for a doctor.... and Tennant-Totty appears in Breakfast Club! Els too has BC to go, and Snow wonders if puffy-pants Casanova has gas.... Daft helpfully posts concert info, and Elb relays it to Tina before finally closing Breakfast Club and heading off to the Real World...

Els posts a link to Tennant-Totty icons, Breila has beans on toes, and Doctors Butler and Who are called into service..... Lunchtime brings Yorkie home, with a request to go on the Avebury picnic, and Gracie returns to play catch-up. She is pleased to have fleeced local businesses for money, and is making her getaway in a caravan to Scotland. Catherine and Elb promise to behave in Glasgow, but have their fingers crossed behind their backs, and Eeyore catches up from work after no internet last night, announcing she has a toyboy admirer. Els breaks office equipment and Elb adds another cyber-child (Eeyore) to her expanding interweb family..... She is a grumpy old woo-man because her neighbour is disturbing the peace, and wants to slap an ASBO on him. Or just slap him....... Goffy enquires after Elb’s poorly pussy who has been to the vet, and cost her an arm and a leg... Em is delighted with 21 inches of Gerry, Breila reckons Gerry got better still with her new telly, and Elb complains at the cost of laundromats whilst posing far-reaching questions about Stenders..... Jo is worried that hubby is turning into a closet Tartan, and Goffy too wonders why nobody has a washing machine in Albert Square. She considers camping at her Doctors’ surgery, and posts a pic of her dog seemingly decapitated by a frisbee...... ENGLAND decide some of Gerry’s lesser films aren’t REALLY worth buying, and Elb suggests edited Gerrylights would be helpful. She provides a link for Em to watch “Please!” as Em hasn’t yet seen it.... Berenise is home alone hoping she’s not visited by spiders, and is off to a fellow BritTart’s birthday bash tomorrow. Euphemia boasts of her 28 inches of Gerry, and ENGLAND persuade Berenise to watch “Attila” . A sensible discussion of Gerry Butler films ensues, with team members offering opinions on several movies, until a horrified Jo realises that the silliness has been left at the door.... Elb too is astounded, and gives a heads-up to another Anatomy lecture on the KT on Saturday night...... A relieved Eeyore arrives, happy that her internet is working once more, and Snow is confused when she finds ENGLAND doing “serious” instead of anarchy..... Rectifying the situation immediately, Jo and Elb indulge in Bad-Boy Picspam Poker, and Eeyore joins the fray. Daft complains of insomnia which mars her 7 week holiday from work, and Eeyore suggests meditation, while Elb recommends yoga classes to help her relax.... Els reckons Gerry is smuggling bananas, but Elb assures her it’s a Sea Cucumber...... She launches a new thread, mistakenly thinking ENGLAND are at the end of their tether....and has to retrace her virtual steps to finish off the old thread with a bit of HamsterSpam....

ENGLAND - 78 RPM (repeats picspam mostly...) begins, unsurprisingly, where 77 ended - with picspam.... firstly GerSpam from pap vids, then Cathy requests nekkid back pictures - ENGLAND obliges.... and Jo finally sees the similarity between Hamster and Tennant-Totty! Daft meanwhile, sees them both running opposite ways in a giant wheel... Gerry does Elvis impressions, and Elb sneakily books her washing machine repairman for Wednesday 28th, justifying an afternoon off work! Euphemia had a thing for Mr Spock BG, Catherine reminds ENGLAND gently of the No Pap rule.... and Klingons appear on the starboard bow..... Cathy and Goffy delete their previous pics just in case, and Els manipulates one of her favourite Scotsmen to cause maximum embarrassment.... Tina posts using Lord Wolfshead’s lappy, threatening TennantSpam for Elb tomorrow if she’s back online, and suggests ENGLAND T-shirts for the Con, little knowing that Elb already has a cunning plan..... Catherine poops the party with a headache, Sparkle is tipsy and a cat wees in Euphemia’s bed...... Or was it Sparkle? She makes a hasty exit with amnesia.... Els produces a T-shirt design for BritTarts, and Barbs of the Twins isn’t feeling talkative. Cathy cycles off, Goffy is tired and quiet, so retreats for the night, and Elb is left to finish Abridging while Jo and Eeyore float round the boards...... Breila arrives late after celebrating the Danish version of Bonfire Night, with yummy food and family on the beach, and is interrogated by ENGLAND as to her roots. The After-Hours Club are duly impressed by Breila’s standard of English and her love of history, which strikes a note with Jo, as she too is a history buff. Elb bids goodnight, but not before putting on her Grumpy Old Woo-man head and complaining about rowdy children outside her house at ridiculous hours.... Jo reckons someone else can lock up tonight, and turns in....

ENGLAND 77 - The Year of Jubilee and Punk!

The new thread, subtitled: BritTarts do Anarchy! (Well....nearly!) was started late last night by Elb, but as almost everyone had gone to bed, the thread is still sparkly-new for the Breakfast Club, opened this morning by a suspiciously bright and breezy Catherine, while Elb is groggy and grumpy from lack of sleep! Euphemia too is having touble tryping, and Catherine decides to get a wheely case for Glasgow, as her knuckles are dragging on the ground; Euphemia serenades her from the “Jungle Book”.... The Breakfast crew decide on World Domination for the day, although Euphemia had planned to wash her hair...... Jo whips in and out on her day off, and Elb reluctantly heads off to work in the hope of another cuddle from a fragrant engineer.... Jo’s colleague intends blowing up the world (inflatable!) while Catherine claims there’s nowt like a bit of crumpet when you can’t get your hands on any buns! Blu is under international attack from undomesticated French-Canadians and will be moving out over the weekend....

Catherine points out DebiDM’s post announcing Glasgow 2007 tickets will go on sale next Wednesday... Eeyore joins in with World Domination Day, and Del prepares to leave for Skye, while poorly sick Els is home alone with a migraine... Sparkle starts small with WDD, and has nearly converted her friend (who recognises him from “Mrs Brown”!) to Gerriness. Jo is reminded that the film is being shown at her local cinema soon, and eagerly awaits THAT scene with Big Ger on the BIG screen!....... Catherine makes her choice to go to bed with Phanty, and reminds Jo that there is no slo-mo in the cinema. Jo ponders bribing the cinematographer... Em joins the Laydeez Wot Lunch, and is also a fully paid-up member of the Migraine Club, like Eeyore and Els. After lunch, ENGLAND is visited by AussiePamJam who reminisces about 1977 when “Saturday Night Fever” was hot stuff - literally! Sparkle becomes the first casualty of World Domination Day and wants a big strong Scot to kiss it better...... Jo acts as deputy, and Goffy arrives after dominating the battlefields of Tescos. She fears she won’t get tickets for Glasgow... Jo’s keyboard No. 2 meets the same liquid fate as No. 1, and Euphemia has been on safari searching for backpacking ants...... Els is feeling better and has designed her Bandy Groupie T-shirt, while Jo advises Euphemia on World of Ant Domination......Berenise loves the T-shirt, sympathises with Jo’s soggy keyboard and hates manky little ants. The Migraine Club now has more members than Breakfast Club, with the addition of the Twins, who are doubly poorly! Em and Goffy start a thread asking for London pics to make into a video souvenir....

Barking mad Elb musters the troops at teatime to admonish them on lack of progress in World Domination, and she has failed to get another hug from engineers, fragrant or otherwise. Catastrophic Catherine’s London mishaps are all resolved, and Jo’s children are incontinent with mirth after watching “The Simpsons” in which Homer impersonates Phantom... Eeyore is MIA with server problems, ENGLAND progresses from farting and belching to bum-scratching, and Em eats properly again after revealing herself as the Tesco Bean Hoarder.... and it’s back to flatulence again.... ENGLAND is repeating itself.

Everyone is tired after the Big Weekend, and ENGLAND blows itself out,. You can hear a pin drop in the thread.... until the Perv Twins try and liven things up by providing nibbles/nipples and Snow and Jo bring handcuffs. Blu seeks excitement, but finds none, and the rest of ENGLAND are very subdued, seemingly all Tarted Out........ By the time that Yorkie arrives, ENGLAND is virtually deserted..... Only she and Em remain, and so they start a Sound of Music singalong........ joined quickly by Jo and then Goffy. As Goffy doesn’t know the song, she graciously retires, to leave the Team Von Trapp working their way through their Favourite Things..... which include packages, (brown paper or otherwise) wet black swimshorts tied up with string, and custard......

Elb tiptoes away, disappointed that the World is still not under Tart Power.........

ENGLAND 76 - 76 Bottles of Beer on the Wall......

Catherine cranks up ENGLAND’s engines and gets the show on the road, followed by a sleepy Elb. Snow signs off the nightwatch, and suggests chocolate coated coffee beans to dispel any idea of sleep.......... Neither Catherine nor Elb have yet posted their trip stories, and feel the moment may have passed... After her wibble last night, it takes Elb a while to find her mojo, but it returns when Jo reminds ENGLAND about the Summer Solstice at Stonehenge, and Elb imagines Ken Barlow in Druid get-up..... Tina takes Wednesday off to mount ConWatch, and Elb suggests a picnic at standing rocks at Avebury stone circle for West Country Tarts...Del is about to exchange Breakfast Club for the Golf Club, and is dressed for the part, Snow has sticky eyeballs, and Els gives the Rat Pack four stars! Euphemia is even late for elevenses, and the picnic idea snowballs.....Els announces the football fixtures, and Eeyore cries as she thinks she’s too remote to meet anyone. Signe keeps popping in when no-one’s at home, and gets confused again.... Sophie says hi from Down Under and the Twins sign up for the Avebury Picnic! Goffy thinks it’s too far, but fancies her pants being scared off instead.... Euphemia has vamped it up with the Dracula Society at Whitby, and Catherine turns into the Mad Washerwoo-man so her house doesn’t smell!

Em’s effing internet is back on, so she hares off to catch up, and the Twins are desperate to go anywhere! Euphemia gets antsy, and Catherine starts the chocolate mousse saga again.....Tina apologises in advance as her modem is up the spout, and Jo comes to Euphemia’s rescue with an anti-ant remedy, but Euphemia feels guilty of anticide...... Em breaks things and everyone in ENGLAND is communally exhausted and wants Gerry juice..... Els does a drive-by, Snow wants to trade jobs with Em and Daft gets in a huff. Catherine says that Gusti is loving Inverness, and sends her love to all the BritTarts! Berenise vows to get to Inverness too, and asks Daft when Doddy let her out.... Cathy’s still on a high, and Del is grumpy, tired and wet...while Miss Hyde returns, happy with her exam tally for the day, and offering blister advice to Del. Snow pulls a sickie from work to play in ENGLAND and hide the extra head she has grown overnight... Sparkle is on a mission to convert a friend to Gerriness, and has shown her pics of Saturday Tarts, looking “sane and normal”.....
Uh-oh....... Miss Hyde admits to being a wimp and a freak. Elb has become Uber-Mummy to all, and has been dispensing maternal advice to an affianced daughter, and a tearful engineer. She is stunned to find her picnic idea has grown into the Next Big Thing, and Tarts are divided between picnics and scary castles.... Sparkle sympathises, Barbs empathises and Del complains of blistered tootsies, carpal tunnels and swollen knuckles. She also has to pack... Snow suggests that she could soak her feet in a basin of water whilst connected to the internet.... Wise advice from a 911 despatcher? Elb posts an equation of what the rash combination could do to Del, and uses her Spontaneous Combustion emoticon to illustrate her point...

Goffy loves the macabre vid that Daft posted as a lovely nightcap last night - the rest of ENGLAND are divided.... Elb’s emoticon launches a bizarre conversation about farting, in which Euphemia claims ‘ladies just deflate...’, Snow reckons that wimmin’s yakking lessens the pressure, and Del just farts like everyone else! Snow scares her cats, and Breila quotes Python verbatim for Elb, who hasn’t got a memory..... Gracie pops in for intelligent conversation, and is sadly disappointed, while Del gets philosophical about the variation in male v female farts. Els marches in after practising, beer in hand and is grateful to Eeyore who has told her where to find a Dean Martin poster... Euphemia sings Python songs, and Del flogs an expired equus...(It has ceased to be.....) with yet more flatulent musings.

Catherine, reading Goffy’s comment that G sometimes lurks, asks LOUDLY if it was really him on Saturday, and the genteel laydeez of Team ENGLAND are sure to impress with a belching competition, having moved on with their bodily functions, much to Yorkie’s disgust! Els and Snow are at the ready, carbonated beverages in hand, while Del’s bad habits include nasal unpacking..... Breila and Del move onto contortions, until Cathy decides it’s PicSpam time! Yorkie in a desperate attempt to raise the tone of the thread, posts links to York and Whitby, both possible venues for Tarting About... Tina logs in on Lord Wolfshead’s company lappy and is blocked from seeing links or pics. She has sent off the cheque to CLIC and requested signed photos from Gerry and Tennant-totty.... folk discuss how long it took to receive their Gerriness....

Returning to the human body and its marvels, Breila reveals she is impossibly bendy, and Euphemia can’t escape ENGLAND... Gracie reveals the secret of her cool, calm look on Saturday, and Goffy just goes with the flow. Snow muses over the smell of a hall full of unwashed Vikings, and Del wonders which taboo to tackle next..... Gracie explains her absence with housework and domestic duties, as well as hanging around with Jools Holland. Cathy advises her to visit Pompeii when she goes on holiday, and multi-tasks..... Euphemia retires to rest her chuckle muscles, while Els is out of luck in the Dean Martin department, and Elb recounts how the Yorvik Experience was so authentic, she nearly puked! She also pervs over the sweet-smelling engineer she had the good fortune to comfort at work......

Jo retires for the night to belch, fart and scratch and generally act like a bloke. Catherine wants to visit Jo Malone’s store when she and Elb go to Glasgow next month, and Cathy tells of her trip there last TartCon, when she discovered Gerry had been there too! Eeyore is glad to have been of help to Els, Yorkie, Catherine and Cathy are off to bed, and Em joins the Migraine Club. Elb goes to set up Thread 77, and Snow has been reading one of Elb’s formative works.... “In Defence of Haggis” .... The final trio of Snow, Elb and Eeyore tootle over to 77

ENGLAND 75 - Our Diamond Jubilee, coz diamonds are a girl’s best friend....

Despite the late finish, ever-ready Elb is up with the lark and sets up ENGLAND’s stall for the day... to discover that Catherine has just beaten her to it. Sulking, she heads off to finish squishing yesterday’s posts..... Catherine’s mind meanwhile is boggling with the final insanities of last night.......Elb has a rant about family strife, gets warm and fuzzy about Team ENGLAND, and returns to rant mode..... Lady Claire chips in to add her vote that it WAS Gerry who rang the restaurant, and Euphemia reports for Breakfast duty as ordered by control-freak Elb, who swings into full-on Biatch mode....Kelli joins the Breakfast Club to sympathise about getting back to the Real World after a Tart gathering, and hopes to get to TartCon2. Euphemia encourages Elb’s biatchiness and Daft makes a rare appearance as she can’t get in the bathroom for gay men! Buns are on the menu, and Elb echoes Catherine’s sentiments about Team ENGLAND....... While Elb dashes off to do battle, Euphemia reveals her penchant for pegging children on the line and Kelli would be pleased to give Elb biatchin’ lessons if she ever gets to Glasgow... Tina and Jo join the “I-don’t-want-to-go-to-work” brigade, and Catherine celebrates a doggy birthday.

Els yawns in from work, Sparkle does a fly-by, and Daft forgives the lads for bathroom-hogging as they give her a lift to work. They are rewarded by having their faces plastered over ENGLAND! Del shoots through as no-one is around, then Euphemia serves elevenses... Berenise too gets sentimental about ENGLAND as voiced earlier by Catherine, and poor Smugs finishes her exams, but comes home to strife.... Els and Em join the Lurve-fest at lunchtime, and Els’ poem is to be published online! Del posts a lovely piece of prose detailing how she feels about the thread, summing up what most of us feel...... Eeyore agrees, and she and Euphemia offer supportive words to unsettled Smugs. Goffy and Em feel the Lurve, and Jo gets sticky and needs to wash off squash.......Catherine’s back and gives Els’ news a double WOOT, but can’t concentrate, and Goffy is fluffy but bouncy..... Talk turns back to the Con, and everyone hopes to get tickets this year. ENGLAND appears to be blanketed by rain, and Miss Hyde adds her congrats and WOOTS to Els the Writer, then goes for some foo-kin noodles! Tina is stuck at work, and Euphemia drops everything but her underwear through lack of concentration and Goffy wonders about Gracie and Blu, who may or may not be playing with her 12 inches of Gerry....

Del pastes up Gerry-wallpaper but Jo objects, as she doesn’t want to deface The Icon’s face with icons.... Elb gets up to speed on the thread, but brings out the big guns in an effort to slow things down. She too congratulates Els, hugs Smugs and gushes about ENGLAND....... Catherine posts a picture of her birthday girl, and ENGLAND coos.....Goffy pimps a pap vid of Gerry via PM, and Eeyore has problems with her hooves...Signe reappears, having been AWOL for 2 days, Del and Euphemia dispense medical advice to Eeyore, and the Danes gang up to form a sub-thread within ENGLAND! Elb has a text from Gusti, and reports that she is off to Inverness tomorrow, then is meeting up with Delanie next week. Del is shortly off to Skye....... Sparkle is too tired for yoga, and ENGLAND once again indulges in mutual admiration. Cathy gets the wind up, and Del too reports on the intrepid travelling BritTart, Gusti, who is currently tired in Edinburgh... she sends a message to ENGLAND via Del, who is planning on hiring a car to go exploring with Gusti. Signe is confused, and Breila has Bridget Jones thighs... Catherine agrees with Berenise that the pap vid is intrusive, but compelling to watch, then feels guilty... and Yorkie is left in peace with the computer as the family are watching football! Del entertains the Danes with Big Ger and co, while Breila explains that her computer is named Erik!

Sparkle gives a heads-up to a new vid on the GALS site, in which Tonya explains how she met Gerry and came to work for him.... Cathy heads off to the Real World and cycles off round her bedroom, Miss Hyde has been busy procrastinating and forgets about footie, and Jo just lies back and thinks of ENGLAND, as it’s all going too fast for her sticky keyboard.... The other England score, and Elb returns from the Real World, having received a verra unsettling phone call....... Breila asks about the English flag, and gets the Yorkipedia treatment.... Del and the Danes talk fruit, and Elb asks when the next meet-up is to be, as she is suffering Tart Withdrawal.... Yorkie suggests Whitby, and announces a new career as a Tarty-Party Planner! Sparkle has a blonde moment with her printer, and Catherine feels a Glaswegian Brainstorming session approaching. Goffy has a Muppet moment when she wants a Butler Birthday Bash a month before his actual birthday, and Elb and Catherine’s trip to Glasgow is in danger of being hijacked.... Eeyore breathes fire because the Welsh Dragon is missing from the Union Jack, and she, Del and Cathy offer sympathy over Elb’s ex-problem.......Tina suggests a Drac-themed Gerry-party for his birthday in November, in Whitby, and Breila issues an invitation to Yorkie to stop in when passing Copenhagen....Elb and Catherine both issue an End of Thread Alert, and Elb reveals her ex has flirted with her, and said sorry after 13 years, which leads to waterworks..... ENGLAND panic at her disappearance, and issue hug alerts, while Yorkie requests Beowulf-a-likes to escort her into Copenhagen, and refuses to thread-start despite having reserved that honour a while ago!

Del takes up the gauntlet (clean, not smutty) and prepares 76 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.... for ENGLAND. Berenise adds to the GerDrac-birthday party idea with a suggestion of a film show, and Tarting About in hotels..... Goffy is Chief Comforter for tearful Elb, Tina with her crap day, and the rest of Team ENGLAND! Comfort-pics are posted to cheer folk up, and Cathy gets Lost in bed.... Em’s internet is down, and Tina posts that someone bumped into David Tennant in London on Saturday! *Shock, horror* Goffy tries to be good, and Eeyore needs to co-ordinate fingers with brain.... Most of ENGLAND retire for the night, and Snow comes in late, missing the action. After a wibble on the phone to Yorkie, Elb is back and in control again, unlike her ex-husband’s haggis, and she goes to find Sweaty Sawyer in Lost....Eeyore has trouble with flies (like Elb’s ex...) and makes alternative landing arrangements for them..... Yorkie, post-Elb-wibble, returns only to leave again, Elb announces ‘normal’ service has been resumed, and Daft leaves a nasty nightcap....

ENGLAND has nightmares..........

England 74 - Almost 3/4 of a century of blabbing....

Back from Tarting About with the masses in London, Elb falls automatically back into posting mode next morning, and has Breakfast Club alone (Gusti is there telepathically, although without cyber-connection) before Catherine deigns to show... Peigi wants to know if Elb is really Els’ web mummy, and Elb explains what that means and why.... Catherine arrives and promptly disappears to catch up, and Jo can barely keep her eyes open... Elb sends out search parties for Euphemia, and Catherine threatens a photo of the Breakfast Crew.... ENGLAND has accrued more members whilst the majority were away, and Catherine and Elb compare blisters. Tina and Euphemia are the second BC wave, and all are amazed at the amount of laundry such a weekend has generated, particularly accident-prone Catherine, who had unfortunate encounters with melted lipstick and chewing gum amongst other minor catastrophies....Smugs drops in for late brekkie, and ideas are floated for the next BritTart gathering...Trace pop in, and Goffy finds a new image to taunt everyone with, causing Els, Yorkie and Goffy to get all of a tizzy. Words fail Tina, and Evangelia is off to Greece, where B&G is about to open! Em is Gerry-lagged, and Els is sufficiently tizzied up to replace the Boosh Boys in her siggy with Gerry and a ciggy... Eeyore needs a hug....(overtones of Shrek?) and the Twins finally make it home.

Nobody can settle - and Yorkie is stuck online, forced to eat the chocolate orange she brought to share... Els however, DID share her sweeties, bought by MummyEls. Catherine has driven 750 miles this week, but she too is stuck on the interwebby highway and can’t - or won’t - get off! Euphemia is all for the Butler Birthday Bash, and Els avoids the Real World with Butler, Boosh and Band....Breila (Danish) wants to be English, and Els is bereft at the loss of a moustache.... Catherine tells all that Gerry has injured his back during filming, and so is not travelling, and Em feels qualified to offer sports massage.... at her own cost! The BritTarts rally en masse to offer sympathy and TLC for the poor Butler boy....Els and Breila want Men in Tights, and Tina announces that she, Yorkie and the BritTart Gathering made it onto the front page of the site! CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Next up in the Exciting News stakes, is the fact that Admin will announce the dates for TartCon2 on 28th of June! Team ENGLAND champ at the bit, and The Big Plan is made ready..... Teatime Tarts arrange round-the-clock surveillance on the threads....and Euphemia, Berenise and Jo do a little bouncing on behalf of all.... Snow joins in, and Elb, fresh back from work, issues a triple WOOTer with a spare, just in case.... Goffy, Em and Sparkle are all tired, but bouncing, and Tarts rush backwards and forwards between UK threads to check on photos and stories from London... Miss Hyde worries that she may not be on The List, but is, and relaxes into her exams, while frantic Smugs works up for hers, and Els has forgotten an outing with the Bandstand tomorrow, so fabbed-out is she from Saturday! Laura drops in, upset because it was her uncle’s funeral today and she couldn’t go. ENGLAND hugs...... and Laura is slightly cheered by getting POTO tickets. Euphemia voices concerns over deposits for booking TartCon2 places and Yorkie takes the day off for ironing, but tells Gerry he’ll have to go commando as he never took her up on her offer to iron his boxers..... ENGLAND thunks at the very thought......and the thread gets messy with fantasies unwinding all over the place! Els needs hugs, (swiftly given via text by Elb) and Elb publishes The List to reassure Miss Hyde that she is on it! Cathy rushes in after posting on the Get-Together thread, and refuses to cycle round her bedroom as she walked all weekend! Em’s fantasies involve chocolate mousse (or mice?) and are best left wound, but Berenise wants them unravelled...... Tina appreciated Elb’s Tennant-totty picspam at the table, whilst Em has to apologise for nearly killing Blu at the sight of Hunky Who-ness....

Eeyore has had a boring day, but brightens when Els reminds ENGLAND about Beau Brummel on TV, starring James Puresex.... Em swears to take the Mystery of the Chocolate Mousse to her grave, but as Gusti was a party to the incident, Berenise vows to interrogate her.... Elb throws down the Smut-Gauntlet which is taken up by Yorkie, who recounts the Suspended ‘Haggis’ incident in the Tate Modern that sent the BritTart Art Critics into hysterics on Sunday, and reminds Elb of the Drac ceiling-joy moment, and Catherine of hubby’s comment that Lucy is “getting her come-uppance....” Elb thinks she’s caught up, but gets left behind again... the thread gathers speed and runs swiftly downhill.... Catherine has missed celebrating her 2000th post, so there are belated WOOTs for that, then Euphemia gets her final set of lips and it starts all over again! Em’s chocolate mousse story is finally revealed in bits by Cathy and Goffy, who give hints of P words, pineapple rings and a great deal of misunderstanding! Elb abridges up to the end of 74, falls off and straight into 75, set up beautifully by Yorkie.......

ENGLAND 75 - Our Diamond Jubilee, coz diamonds are a girl’s best friend....begins with a Carry-On theme, and carries on.... Yorkie does Carry-On and Karaoke with Sir Cliff, and Euphemia is cheered by getting her final lips...Catherine does Kenneth Williams, Goffy does Sid James, Debbie Does Dallas... and Em has a huge bruise on her bum. Breila (Laura) wants to go on The List, as she’ll be at work on the day of The Announcement, Eeyore announces ‘Nekkid Puresex’! and Elb is burned out..... Even she doesn’t understand what she’s on about.... Del is overworked, Catherine needs to unglue her bum, and Em spots a Puresex threesome! Yorkie’s world turns yellow and she asks for the Sensible Room, but ENGLAND goes bananas instead and descends into the GutlerMine via the Banana Lounge.... Elb wonders if all her favourite threads have been merged.... Goffy needs a hand (or a nose...), Breila fails utterly in being sensible and watches POTO for the squillionth time, Del needs hands and Cathy and Eeyore deny all knowledge of the Sensible Room, especially with Nekkid Puresex around.... Em falls into the mine, and Elb doesn’t DO sensible, but DOES do Donovan and dancing bananas......Els admires Puresex arse, and Del has trouble getting into the asylum. Yorkie explains that we are all “hysterically overtired, have been down the mine several times and are exchanging Smut-Gauntlets”. She also has a tip for getting out of a straitjacket.... Eeyore casts Puresex arse as Randall in Cross Stitch, Catherine goes to bed before getting a red card from hubby, and Breila wants to bird-bed down in the Lair.....Jo flies by to mention yellow towels as that is the theme this evening...and Smugs runs round the house to calm her exam nerves....Exhausted Tarts head off to bed before utter insanity takes a permanent hold ...Yorkie has been hijacked by a sprog to watch Timeline, despite needing pitprops to keep her eyes open, and Els assures a disappointed Elb that Purearse will be repeated.....Snow meantime, is trying to make sense of pineapple rings, male body parts and Puresex.... Els posts a barrage of steamy Puresex picspam then runs, and Eeyore takes the blame for ENGLAND doing smut, while Elb bestows the title of Honorary BritTart (Insane Division) on Snow... Em and Goffy play hoop-la with pineapple rings, and Elb goes to upload her photos.....Eeyore shuts up shop, leaving 911 despatcher Snow on watch over the thread while ENGLAND sleeps......

No ENGLAND 73!!!

Owing to the BritTarts' mass exodus from the threads, there is no thread 73..... Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible....

England 72 - It’s The Final Countdown!

Laura creeps in to ENGLAND in the early hours of the morning as she’s icky and can’t sleep. Sleep evades Catherine too, so Breakfast Club begins earlier than usual.... Elb joins them, making it a queasy trio. ENGLAND enters a stage of subdued panic, which will no doubt increase to a full-blown hissy fit before Saturday..... Laura has family issues to contend with, and awaits news from her Mum, Tina pops in, slightly improved on yesterday, and Gusti gives herself advice, then gets nervous... Elb is forgetful and hopes she remembers to bring her daughter, Laura gets distracted by the GALS vids, and Tina promises an impersonation of Janice from Friends on Saturday. Jo excuses herself for deserting ENGLAND last night for a man, but it WAS Gerry.....and she and Gusti are communicating on several levels! Sparkle joins the insomniacs, and her friend worries that she is to be sold into slavery in London... Els plans to that effect are thwarted, and she is off early this afternoon, not to watch footie like the rest of the country, but to toot her flute instead..... Miss Magdalena hopes London will be worth missing college for, and is frantically trying to finish assignments whilst procrastinating..... Els boots her up the backside and encourages her to work, THEN play! Magdalena may have to nursemaid her mother if she imbibes, and Em forgets what she came into the thread for... Laura’s uncle has had a stroke, and she may have to fly home to Belfast. Blu feels the need for liquor on Saturday, and Marsha informs ENGLAND that women are more attracted to greying men, and posts a greying Gerry to prove her point! Eeyore offers Laura a shoulder, as she and Jo will be part of the Skeleton Crew this weekend, and Catherine’s siggy just goes to prove Marsha’s point again! Gracie too offers sympathy to Laura, who WON’T be going home after all. Jem is certinally gunna watch football, but Jo won’t, despite flying the flag, nor will Els, who will be stripping in the back of a van instead!... Gusti has been so busy, she forgets to eat... Miss Hyde is patriotic, has been shoe shopping for girly sandals rather than bovver boots, and adds a certain little something to her siggy..... Goffy is impressed and will also be half watching football, and half doing other things. She and Gusti get a little emotional..... and Laura has worse news about her uncle. ENGLAND rally for her, and go into hug mode.... Goffy has invited a new Tart to come visit ENGLAND, as she feels isolated..... ENGLAND awaits her arrival...... Eeyore is a happy bunny as she has been eavesdropping on a cute guy at work, Euphemia complains at Team ENGLAND’s gossiping while Gracie is tearing her hair out and unpacking her bag - again...... Yorkie is in early for a change, and plans on having a quick spin in the toilet again..... Miss Hyde sympathises with Goffy’s invitee, Signe, as she too felt unloved on the threads until she found ENGLAND... Euphemia grants Elb a sainthood.... then Laura breaks the news that her uncle died a short while ago, and ENGLAND offer their heartfelt condolences. Yorkie eloquently voices support on behalf of the thread.

The other ENGLAND finally score - twice! - in the football, and despite sadness for Laura, have muted celebrations. Catherine hasn’t yet packed and has to contend with stroppy husband who missed England’s goal due to his lack of X-ray vision - a dog blocked the TV! Euphemia has prickly ears due to mis-hearing Gerrard’s name on the footie... Yorkie assures Catherine that we will all look like wet lettuce by the end of Saturday night, which is an inspiring thought.... Sparkle buys too many PJs, and will live up to her name on Saturday after buying herself a sparkly ring! Elb finally arrives in the thread after much typing, and decides that there’s something she hasn’t done.... Catherine reports that her wash-in, wash-out hair colour is a washout, and Gracie is going to keep her eyes peeled for details of TartCon 2 so she can alert Elb, and set The Big Plan into action! Berenise points out that it’s Trooping the Colour on Saturday too......Everyone discusses What To Wear, and a general feeling of mild panic pervades the thread. Elb doesn’t know whether to hug people or salute them after last night’s military exercises, but Gracie vows to salute... Yorkie despairs of ever reaching the Superwooman loos, as ENGLAND will all be queuing to do the same!

Miss Hyde breaks into the ‘help-I-haven’t-got-a-thing-to-wear’ melee with breaking news! DO NOT READ THE DOCTOR WHO PRESS RELEASE!!!! Apparently it contains spoilers and has ruined the ending for many......

Gusti has packed everything including the kitchen sink, and can barely walk..... Cathy arrives late after setting up her new multi-region DVD player to watch Gerry’s Mummy film.....On Saturday, Tina will be wearing mainly black......She is aghast at Miss Hyde’s Doctor Who warnings - Is Tennant-totty leaving?????? In honour of imminent Tarting About, Gracie paints her toenails..... Loubylou pops in to wish everyone a wonderful time in London, and to pass her condolences to Laura. Yorkie posts a ‘funny’ about being British, and Louby plays the Spoiler Fun game, albeit three threads too late! Gusti is off for the night, and bids farewell to those she won’t see again until Saturday - she will be in Breakfast Club for the last time tomorrow...... Laura drops in to thank everyone for their messages of support, and Euphemia reveals that she has a copy of B&G!!!! ENGLAND are agog as to where she got it, as it is not due for release yet... Goffy has the opportunity of contacting a foster brother she hasn’t seen in years, but dithers. Yorkie gives her sound advice to try contacting him, despite Goffy thinking he won’t respond....... ENGLAND agrees with Yorkie, and Goffy heeds the advice. Goffy’s invitee, Signe is lurking, and Yorkie gently encourages her to post.....Tina assures her that ENGLAND don’t bite.... Elb decides her wardrobe would fit her better than her clothes, prompting Barbs and Cathy to assure her that it’s the person inside who counts..... Elb looks for an accountant inside her wardrobe...... Miss Hyde posts a joke and sends Elb into hysterics, Euphemia to the insurance agents, and Eeyore running to the gallery, where she finds scrummy new/old Gerrypics! Yorkie cues the shy Signe, but Smugs comes in instead! Elb sends in her baseball bat-wielding emoticon, and Signe too finally comes out of lurkerdom! ENGLAND lays out the welcome mat.... Gracie returns after chiselling off nail polish, to tell Goffy that she too lost touch with her brother, but had a happy outcome, and hopes Goffy’s will be the same.... Tina has a wide load, and Catherine’s trousers appear to have shrunk since last week.... Snow makes a brief stopover, and Yorkie interrogates the two newbies about how exactly they came by a certain Mr Butler.... Cathy zooms in on G’s freckles, and Eeyore gives more football results, aided by Peekaboo Pants Man again.... Talking of laundry, Yorkie reckons ENGLAND are all using the same washing powder, as all our clothes appear to have shrunk.... Elb meanwhile, practises bad language after seeing the new pics in the gallery! Berenise concurs..... Cautions and good wishes are issued for Travelling Tarts who hit the road (not literally!) tomorrow, and many retire to bed, leaving the stalwarts behind to gossip over the new pictures in the gallery. Signe reveals a little about herself, and says that she speaks with an American accent! Cathy threatens to sing during the POTO stage show, and Sparkle returns to find ENGLAND have nearly trashed the thread, and gained two extra tarts to boot! Els returns from Winchester, having been accosted by bugs and risked life and limb at the hands of an insane, rally-driving Scotsman..... Signe and Smugs chat with Goffy till the end of the thread rears up, and ENGLAND jump ship to thread 73, hastily set up by Els......

‘Bar 73: All Together Now! ...With music on our minds’ throws Elb for a loop, as she was expecting a title with ENGLAND in it! Smugs is confused, and Elb explains the 300 posts per thread rule, and Yorkie reserves Thread 76 in order to fit all her trombones in it.... She also skimps on a hairdo for London, and decides to wear a turquiose and silver wig instead... Snow shows again, and isn’t aware of burbling, but Elb informs her that all BritTarts burble, waffle and gab.... Eeyore has been assembling men, and Jo turns up, refusing to be shaken off... Despite jumping threads and being in disguise, she still tracks ENGLAND down....Finally, in sheer desperation, Elb goes to bed.......

(Just kidding, Jo!)

England 71 and a half - Biscuits? You'll be lucky...

Catherine and Parker are up early with Show Nerves, to find that it has Snow-ed during the night..... Finding nobody up at nearly 4am, she burbled to herself about stairs, backpacks, portly illegitimate cats and the likelihood of a smooth crossing of the Irish Sea..... Catherine & Euphemia go to catch up while coffee brews....Gusti hurries them along as she needs caffeine, and canines and felines fed, ENGLAND is up and running. Euphemia has trouble with her mobile - she can’t find it - and Gusti, despite having to work one more day, is in holiday mood! She hugs Goffy in her absence, and wishes Miss Hyde luck in her exams today... Elb is practising being petrified and paranoid, and Catherine is in a strop with fickle weather forecasters.... Tina drops in en route to work, and may not be able to get online later, and Catherine goes for crumpet as buns are off. Tina says it’s overcast in the Midlands, Elb says it’s getting dark in Somerset, and is bewildered to find she has ordered B&G from Amazon.... Lady Claire missed Vegas but wishes ENGLAND luck for Saturday, and Gusti is late but doesn’t care... Jo too has an email from Amazon, and flies past Els who is late for BC and eats alone.... Del and Evangelina do the mid-morning stint, while Sparkle has forgotten her German, so plans to practise on Gusti in London! Eeyore is still photo-labbing, so waves her hall pass at ENGLAND, and Els is perving over Huge Ackman in Oklahoma - at work! Blu only has five minutes left.... Em has thighs of steel after swimming (let’s hope she doesn’t go rusty....) and also has portly illegitimate cats.... Del is an editor today, and Goffy has a bad/good/bad day... SnowQueen ponders the merits of flight over sail, and decides there is more likelihood of meeting Cap’n Jack in a boat... Del rambles about office products, theses and coding, and gets excited about a diary, then goes completely off the rails with pig snout on toast and prairie home companions.... She and Snow gossip in code....

Gracie reappears, having missed 2 threads, but has resorted to Abridged to keep her breast of events, including Gerry Does Vegas and Gets A Pug.... Els loves Boxers more than Pugs, and is worried that her Mum will freak at ENGLAND’s er...enthusiasm..... Miss Hyde has survived Day One of exams, and lets her hair down with a clip. Els sees her clip and counteracts with one of her own. Euphemia is nearly sorted for Saturday, and talks of abusing sheep, while Gracie panics over what to wear....Elb raises an eyebrow at Del’s earlier posts about pig snouts, and raises the idea of setting up a text chain in case TartCon 2 is announced while ENGLAND are at work... It seems this is one of Elb’s better ideas, and she is bombarded with numbers.... She too loves boxers and posts a piccy of blue ones, softly caressing Butler’s cheeks.... Miss Hyde shakes her head at the obviousness of it all... Catherine arrives home, numb-bummed after driving 315 miles, and Els scolds Elb for deliberately misunderstanding her post about scary internet fangirls..... Euphemia signs up for text lessons, and Elb WOOTs because the Beowulfast Three are together online again!
Sparkle asks Catherine doggy questions, and panics over forgetting things for London. (As do most of ENGLAND!) Goffy thanks folkses for being nice on her new-born blog. Elb issues an end-of-thread alert, but posts up the new thread anyway, riding rough-shod over Els who may or may not have had an idea....Yorkie has beanz Chez Gerry’z in reserve on Saturday if Chez Gerard mess up the booking, and takes off running to catch up on the thread before being left behind as ENGLAND step swiftly into 72 - It’s The Final Countdown!

Elb has lost the plot, and assumes the role of Commander-in-Chief of BritTart Operations, designating Goffy as front-line defence observer, to watch out for the announcement of TartCon 2.

Yorkie worries about topping up her phone and reckons Friday night is loony-night, Gracie plans a castle for Team ENGLAND in Glasgow, and Tina turns weathergirl again, with a link to Saturday’s forecast...Goffy is in headless chicken mode, as she’s tired and Miss Hyde thinks about dancing. Els has always wanted to see Phantom on stage, and Elb paces amongst the ranks. Catherine bewails the fact that she will be webless on Friday night, and panting Cathy returns from cycling round her bedroom to find ENGLAND under military command, planning for Glasgow 07..... Yorkie plans on a repeat performance of the Super Woo-man impression that she and Elb perfected in a toilet cubicle, so she will be cool and floaty for Saturday night... Goffy accepts the mission thrust upon her by Elb, and vows to keep a lookout, while Els presents a selection of stirring music for ENGLAND’s military campaign. Blu mysteriously posts that “Hump day is nearly over....” ...... Tina gets spotty in honour of Tarting About, and suggests an anthem for Team ENGLAND. Eeyore still insists she’s not here, but is. She pimps James Puresex to the team, as he is on telly on Monday, and Els for one will be glued.....Miss Hyde accepts tooting duties with Els, but co-ordination is a problem. She decides to try for Glasgow....Gracie wants to know if she should start marching, and suggests Loch Lomond as the anthem, while Tina loses the will to live on the GALS site. Sparkle, born in ‘72, is getting drippy, as she too joins the Dyeing for London Brigade. Gusti arrives late and goes off to read the day’s posts...She may be gone for some time! Goffy has to explain ‘bouncy bouncy’ to Gusti.....Tina heads off to snuggle as she’s feeling under the weather, and Yorkie worries that her Contacts list in her mobile will get her put away.....Cathy has been watching the Gerry-in-Vegas vids, and her ears are still ringing as a result. Elb apologises for her mini-coup, but has a New Plan...Goffy will still be Chief Lookout, but Elb will master the technology of her phone, and send texts to all of ENGLAND as hers are free...She chomps on a cigar a la George Peppard. Now that she knows what it means, Gusti too is bouncing, as she has finished work, and will be travelling to the UK on Friday. Berenise likes The Plan for alerting ENGLAND, and offers to act as lookout at lunchtimes.

Yorkie is NOT getting her hair done for Saturday, unlike most of the team, who are cutting, dyeing, straightening and curling for all they’re worth! Her Paranoia Twin however, is going au naturelle - i.e. grey, so that cheers her up somewhat. Elb will be unable to post on Friday night, as she is staying at her webless daughter’s. Barbs arrives, breathless, and tries to catch up, Cathy sticks her fingers in a socket for a cheap hairdo, and Yorkie offers to act as Liaison Officer for Elb on Friday via text! She also offers to bring safety pins in case of a repeat of Elb’s wardrobe malfunction in Glasgow...Marsha sings in the rain, sad that she’s not part of the ENGLAND weekend gathering, but cheers up listening to PONR. Barbs wonders if the Express Holiday Inn in Glasgow would offer discount for the entire British contingent? Gusti asks that she too is added to the Text List in case Glasgow is announced while she is away. Yorkie panics (yet again!) about being in photographs, but will be in them if Elb has anything to do with it! Marsha has bad dreams, and hints that should ENGLAND care to send her chocolate, she will be most grateful! Goffy is pleased with her blogtherapy, and heads off to bed a happier bunny. Marsha is last in ENGLAND, and tells a funny story about condoms and religious grandmothers...She is perplexed by Goffy’s query as to whether she’s heard of Love sacs..... Finally, the thread is quiet, and Elb can put the blog to bed...............

England 71 - Do we get a small hard Italian biscuit with that?

Gusti is up and at ‘em early, as she has too much going on in her head. She is joined by yesterday’s newcomer to the ENGLAND threads, Snowqueen from Michigan, who leaves a message for Del about her dream..... Catherine touches base, then wings off to catch up, and Gusti is touched after reading GALS stories of their encounter with Gerry! Elb arrives, queasy, and posts a link to Beth’s Memory Book thread.... She must be ill, as she contemplates housework..... Snow is officially greeted by ENGLAND, who were a bit tardy in laying out the Welcome mat.... Catherine has memory problems with her computer, and Elb just has memory problems..... ENGLAND don’t do Technical, but Catherine’s woes resolve themselves. Jo will have to buy lipstick just for Gerry, and Els very nearly makes it to BC as she hasn’t slept, but can’t be arsed and makes do with Jaffa cakes and Coke....

At lunchtime, Els gives the heads-up to a post by Admin stating that the announcement for Glasgow is imminent, and will have its own site for registration.... ENGLAND starts saving....... Em is excited, and Catherine reckons Els is psychic, as she has just sent Elb a text re.the Glasgow news! Evangelia is cheered by Els’ news, but then depresses herself just in case she can’t go to TartCon 2.... Del has an attack of emoticons, and explains erratically to Evangelia and Catherine that someone or something has bucketed up her plans, and that her head needs to download onto her PC..... Eva offers help, and Jem offers popcorn, while Els sympathises and throws things. Gusti is delirious with delight after buying a new backpack, and Snow reappears with a potted biog, and advice for Del. She thanks ENGLAND for their welcome, and requests the back-catalogue of ENGLAND titles....... Em and Barbs sympathise with all having a bad day, but Gusti dances around her apartment - happiness truly IS a new backpack...... Karan and Barbs are eager to meet everyone, and Del considers ditching all she owns in order to travel light.... Gusti and Del exchange Backpack-spam and Elb drags herself into the thread, pooped after work. She says that Yorkie is back, and should be in later... As she comes in, so Gusti and Del depart, leaving paranoia as Elb's threadfellow. Els considers POTO v Brazil and wonders who will win..... Em joins in with the bag-ladies and uses her uber-sexy suitcase as a means of transport... Elb posts an ad from Asunta who is offering a free OMK DVD, and quick-thinking Catherine suggests ENGLAND have it as a raffle prize! Barbs can’t get into Abridged..., and Goffy gets in after a Very Bad Day. She is in dire need of hugs after coping with very poorly relatives, so Auntie Elb comes to the rescue. A new hairdo has gone some way to restoring Goffy’s spirits, as she has been to her lucky-dip salon and come out blonde...... Parker fares worse at Catherine’s hands, and is forced to wear his hairnet again, while Catherine will have hair to dye for on Thursday....... Curly Em offers Goffy her shoulder, and Elb’s cat joins the iPod set.

The Wanderer returns! Yorkie is back on dry land after her micro-cruise on a mega-boat, and is welcomed back into ENGLAND with open arms. Catherine is in WOOTing mood tonight and issues a double set of WOOTs for Yorkie’s return, and for the Final Countdown to Tarting About in London. She also assures Elb that she will not be dressing Parker in his silly trouser suit for the show tomorrow.... Euphemia, Goffy and Em push out the welcome wagon, and Boat-spam begins.....Cathy gets snoggus interruptus in a Ger-dream, while Catherine gets emotional over the Vegas stories. Miss Hyde makes her excuses as she has exams tomorrow, Em teases Els with the image of Cap’n Jack in JUST his boots *WOOT!* and Euphemia keeps getting the boot! ENGLAND wish Miss Hyde well for her exams, so she can be betterer ejucatid like wot they are. Els is crying her crab eyes out over Vegas stories, and wubs Big G more ‘n ever.....while Elb wants to see Gerry in Adam Ant/Cap’n Jack gear. Talk turns naturally to cake, and while Elb and Em slurp over carrot cake, Tina goes nuts for M&S walnut cake. Yorkie (no cake preference as yet) spent a morning in bed with Gerry having a Game of her Life, and is currently in headless chicken mode.... Speaking of which, Miss Hyde retires to panic....Els sticks a stamp on her butt and sends herself hotfoot to Hades for Cap’n Gerard lust....

ENGLAND decamps to the GALS site to indulge in communal sniffing, and passing of tissues as they wade through emotional stories of Gerry-encounters. Em relays that Goffy is trapped in GB.net limbo - she can read what ENGLAND are saying, but can’t post! Els reveals that her Mum doesn’t actually know who Gerry is......... ENGLAND vow to educate the poor woo-man. Kelli drops in to ENGLAND to empathise with the general AWWWWing of the Gerry-Vegasness, and Yorkie has been sidetracked on her way to catching up, whilst Eeyore hesitates to dip her toe into the rather soggy thread.... Els provides Tech Support for Barbs, and ENGLAND resort to bog roll when Cathy comes back from GALS, and there is a communal cheer when Goffy makes it back into GB.net after her technical problems! A chilled-out Sparkle pops in to dish out hugs to all in need...Yorkie is still trying to catch up, and the Paranoia clan discuss Adam Ant and Antmusic, and dogs in hairnets...then ENGLAND log off for Lost... Eeyore in the meantime opens a photo-processing lab, and ENGLAND return in between ads for discussion of Hunky Lost Blokes showering in tandem....

Em gets her insects mixed up (she’s not an Em-tomologist...) and Elb gets hot under the collar at two wet men.... Em retires with a choice of two men and takes both to bed, while Del hints at possible Sawyer-spam to follow... Elb offers up an alternative soggy bod in the form of sultry Sayeed, but steers her lustful thoughts back on track with a loyally selected Gerrypic. It is short-lived as Del posts a nightcap of Sawyer pics, followed swiftly by a triple-whammy of semi-nekkid Sayeed, Doc Hunky and Sweaty Sawyer, all in one luscious package...... Jo, Elb and Yorkie all do a simultaneous :thunk: and ENGLAND, exhausted, head for bed......

England 70 - this isn’t your Grannie’s Zimmer frame....

Euphemia can’t sleep, so opens ENGLAND early with an array of pastries. Gusti needs coffee and the new Gerry pics on the GALS site to wake up, and Goffy has pulled an all-nighter, thus making it to Breakfast Club and surprising Catherine and Elb! ENGLAND appears to have swapped weather with Gusti’s country - there has been rain overnight, while Gusti is enjoying bright sunshine! The site is still slow, and Elb suggests that she contacts Admin to consider deleting old ENGLAND threads, as they are taking up bandwidth, and everyone agrees... Catherine reckons the site is slow due to traffic volume after the Gerry-in-Vegas news, and worries about her raffle prize in the heat of London.... Everyone gah’s over the new pictures in the gallery... Jo (who has also finally made it to BC!) raises the valid point that post counts may be affected if threads are deleted, and Els drops in from work to find that everyone has buggered off to work, except Catherine.... Faenwyn from Louisiana pays ENGLAND a visit to let us know we ain’t seen nuthin’ yet regarding heat - it was 101 chez Faenwyn yesterday.... Miss Hyde hates thunder, and agrees with the thread deleting idea, and a bored Els finds a fellow Jack Sparrow addict.... Em slept through the storm, and is fatally affected by new Gerrypics. Miss Magdalena is well on her way to becoming a scientist, and is honouring ENGLAND with a new haircut for Saturday! Del and Eeyore do lunch, the latter with damp undies after reading Abridged... (Thank you! What greater compliment than soggy drawers?!) Miss Hyde adds self-confessed hypocrisy to procrastination as she advises Magdalena to carry on studying! Evangelia joins the slackers from work, and Em’s new Attila siggy is drawing compliments. Del has filled the ENGLAND water cooler with G&T, so it’s off down the slippery slope for all..... Catherine announces that Therese Raquin is to be “raunchy” according to the Daily Star, and ENGLAND rubs their hands with glee. Extra drool buckets will have to be ordered.... Els, hot and sticky, heads off to band practise, longing for winter, and Goffy the Permanently Awake pleads for friends on her MySpace blog.... Jo and Gusti don’t have MySpace, but Miss Hyde does, although she goes temporarily deaf in one ear. She too wishes for chillier days... Jo does Hokey-Cokey posting, and Gusti is concerned for Miss Hyde’s lugholes. She practises packing her backpack ready for Friday and proves Elb’s accusation correct that she has a shoe fetish....

Elb arrives with the announcement that Admin would be delighted if ENGLAND’s earlier threads could be deleted, and that she has asked about the post count issue.... Em suggests a Memorial Service for threads 1-65 to say goodbye.... *sob*
Elb is pleased to get support from ENGLAND, as she was worried she had overstepped the mark.... Catherine adds reassurance, and cannot decide which Gerriness to watch! Everyone is either packed or packing for London, but GB.net is playing silly buggers again, and dedicated though ENGLAND is, patience is wearing thin.... Tina posts third time lucky, adds her vote for Thread Pruning, and starts singing “The Final Countdown”! Barbs is back from seeing her daughter in Egypt, and had a signed Red Death photo waiting for her when she got home.... Euphemia too is in, third time lucky, and Elb tells ENGLAND that post counts will NOT be affected by the imminent demise of earlier threads. Tina would like a group photo of BritTarts and Hons, Sparkle does a fly-by as she’s on her way out, but thoroughly enjoyed her birthday, and was very nearly a groupie for Bon Jovi! Cathy too bursts into song, and she and Euphemia agree with Tina’s group photo idea, as does Elb, who has plans...... Gusti is still packing and unpacking far too many clothes, and Marsha thinks Elb is sad and lonely! She also has trouble typing and rates Lamb & Mint crisps next to “Mr & Mrs Smith” starring Brangelina..... Del wants directions to the Gerry-in-Vegas pics on the GALS site, and is a sucker for a doggy tale, and Cathy joins the Green-Eyed Girls who are just the teensiest bit jealous of When the GALS Saw The Butler.... Elb is indignant that Marsha thinks she’s sad and lonely, but declares her paranoia instead..... Els returns from band practise with too much info on the Bandstand’s stomach, which sends Euphemia rushing for ‘Stenders....which Del informs her isn’t on, due to some silly game where grown men run around kicking a pig’s bladder..... Marsha apologises to Elb for her comment, which Elb had misunderstood anyway, and Del gets pepper in her eye. Cathy takes off on her bike for The Other Site, and Snowqueen discovers Del and stays to play! Els keeps forgetting what she was going to say, as she is watching footie/Totti/totty..... and ENGLAND tell pug stories..... Gusti is gutted that she missed Totti and Blu WOOTS for Australia winning their match, despite not following football. Catherine manages to get back online - everyone is having intermittent problems, and a hammer for solving computer problems is readily available.... Goffy kicks her way in, and thanks those who are now her Friends on MySpace, while Blu signs the B&G petition for something to do. Marsha tells ENGLAND interesting facts about pepper, and discusses Big Love with fellow Americans, and Els plays Spoiler fun with Peekaboo Pants Man, who is nearly revealing his Big Love....... She gets a red card from Del, and Jo slips up. Snow reveals interesting facts about honey, Del uses garlic and onion to clean her room, but Els really puts the cat amongst the pigeons with a volley of disloyal droolage, (and Booshness) redeemed only by her final links........... Catherine has watched POTO to get herself in the mood, but should maybe have just looked at Els’ post instead... Tina polishes up her Tartdar for Saturday, Cathy cools off with jelly, and ENGLAND have the usual end-of-thread panic before Els posts up the new thread, and Catherine and Tina mark the end of the old one by discussing the weather....

The team wander into ENGLAND 71 after a push from Els who HAS to get a Boosh reference in, and Del laughs her arse off....Tina worries about insufficient Gerriness on the ENGLAND threads, which Cathy promptly rectifies by slipping one in. Goffy WOOTs the new threadness, Elb does her stern professor impression, Snow gets chills, and Jamie pops up again... Els provokes a cyber-smack from web-mummy Elb, who in turn is berated by Marsha for eating so late..... ENGLAND falls silent early, and Elb is left to tuck the cat up, put the sleeping ENGLANDers out, and ........ gets the crap scared out of her when Snow, Jo and Jessey all start posting, followed by Eeyore who is trying to set up a MySpace blog...... Jessey is beset by problems, and is desperately trying to get to London, despite being put down to work that day! Elb supplies links and phone number in answer to Jessey’s pleas, and Jo and Eeyore are appointed ENGLAND’s skeleton crew for Saturday, while the rest of ENGLAND are off gallivanting.... Jo sings “Whale Meat Again.....” as she plans to be at the next get-together... Finally, ENGLAND shut up and retire, leaving Elb in peace to put the blog to bed...............