ENGLAND 130 - 1 B&G screening - 3 days from now - 0 what fun!

Breakfast Club becomes Crisis Club this morning: Catherine reads the Riot Act to her dogs at Breakfast, as they can’t read, then takes them out anyway, Euphemia faffs around, plotting Mr the H’s demise but is called away on Operation Moggy-Vac when her cats play snowballs with a box of washing powder, and Elb awakes to find her office has been falling apart while she slept..... Gusti pops in from work, and is fighting fit after a punch-up with her colleague, while caffeine-chilled Elb swallows her cliche dictionary and reports news of fellow BCer Catherine who is stuck with car trouble...... Jo searches for Marek amongst the debris of Elb’s office before realising he is unscathed, and she and Vanessa appear to be the only Crisis-free Clubbers of the day....... Euphemia’s getting thin on top, and Catherine is thin on patience, while Els gets dressed-up and psyched-out for a meeting at work. Catherine has chips in her sand and Jo just has butter on her buns........

At lunchtime, Lady Grey divulges her travel plans, and Miss Hyde is back from her sleepover to begin Tarting About preparations in earnest, while Jo doesn’t want to tempt fate. For Catherine, charity begins at the shop, where she finds a bargain posh frock for the Con - Goffy, Jo and Barbara duly admire it, but Signe is too lazy....... Jo is digitally dyslexic, and Doc Goffy puts tired Signe under the microscope.

It appears that Alexandria has invited the heir to the throne to Saturday’s B&G, and Signe reveals that she too has royal connections, while sad Sparkle says goodbye to her great-uncle who died last night...... ENGLAND offer their condolences. Catherine sits in judgement on ‘The Jury’ with Johnnie’s Magic T-Shirts, and Dandie supports GB on TV despite having him on DVD, OK? Talk turns to Gerry’s finest performances, and it is agreed that ‘The Jury’ is one of his best, with ‘Please!’ and ‘Dear Frankie’ runners-up. Dandie becomes English coach, and everybody makes up words..... Miss Hyde is in the pink, and threatens ENGLAND with germ warfare on Saturday......

The Honorary BritTarts misunderstand each other, which is understandable, as English is not their mother tongue....... The rest of ENGLAND unite in admiration of their non-English counterparts, and ruffled feathers are soothed. ENGLAND count themselves lucky to be able to order beer and ice cream in another language, let alone chat on a forum!........ Euphemia begins Cat of the Day tales, and everyone adds their moggy stories, while Elb has a short-sighted encounter with a photo-booth..... Vanessa’s cats duke it out, Marsha imparts some interesting facts about a pig’s orgasm, and Mrs “Da Vinci” Brown takes a day off from painting....... Els asks for DVD suggestions and Miss Hyde ponders that if GB & JD did a film together, we wouldn’t have to choose between them, while Cathy chooses GB every time, and is thus dubbed ‘Ever-faithful Maiden of the Gerry Realm’ by Marsha.

Vanessa’s stalker returns, as do G2 and G3 just as Catherine announces she’s off to bed, and the Clan Paranoia are reunited....... Elb gets over-excited about Saturday’s Big Wulfy-a-thon, and the forthcoming Tennantness on telly, and Eeyore shows off her trials with her new camera, while Tina is still a Beowulf Virgin and is saving herself for Saturday....... Team ENGLAND suffer a mass breakout of spots, and Clearasil is ordered by the lorryload, and partially-bouncy Yorkie catches the photo bug from Eeyore and gets arty with her pics. Elb wagers she can bounce better than her Paranoia Sis, and begins Bounce-for-Butler in which ENGLAND compete for the title of Bounciest Tart......... Berenise (a bit bouncy herself) joins the Zit Sisterhood, and plans to dress for comfort on Saturday rather than risk flashing in Finchley, and offers to buy ENGLAND a round after B&G....... Yorkie and Elb appoint Gerry as Bouncing Judge, as he appears to be very experienced, and Yorkie posts more artiness from her trip to the G3 Glasgow Summit. ENGLAND plan a post-Wulfy discussion group to mull over the merits of the film, the acting prowess of the cast, and particularly the fit of costumes.......Elb offers the experience of the Beowulfast Three to aid in the weighty considerations of Mr Butler’s form-fitting chainmail, and Dandie contemplates a tattoo on her forehead as she’s a sucker for cats......Dandie contemplates a tattoo on her forehead as she’s a sucker for cats, and Vanessa not only warns of the End of Thread, but also warns ENGLAND that there may be insufficient room in the pub for her daughter’s bosom...

All goes quiet for a while, and when most of ENGLAND decamp to bed, Vanessa panics over threadstarting. However, in the nick of time, Elb the Lurking Thread-o-matic churns out yet another one for the remaining members of Team ENGLAND, and despite a teensy technical hitch with the image in the newly hatched thread, ENGLAND bale out into ENGLAND 131 - BritTart Bounce-a-thon Coming Up! Euphemia wanders in whilst waiting for her painkillers to work so she can return to bed, and Jo admires Wulfy’s package, now happily restored to the beginning of the thread...... Marsha eagerly awaits Over 18 access, Vanessa complains that she’s STILL waiting, and Dandie joins the queue...... Vanessa’s cats continue their feud, and Jo dishes out animal psychiatry before FINALLY putting ENGLAND to bed......