Ooops..... again.

Sorry - although there WAS a good deal of chatter for Thursday, I decided to take the night off again........... *Kicks bottle under desk*

Normal service has now been resumed.


I thank you.

ENGLAND 124 - BritTarts discuss world politics and bio-genetic erga.........???

Gusti the Lonely tiptoes through as she wends her weary way to work, having had a good night out with friends. She feels her life at present is one big roller-coaster, but hopes to join in tonight’s party...... Tired bunny Catherine hops in and out later, followed by sleep-deprived Euphemia who has overdosed on caffeine but makes yet more for the men in white coats. Rover is still at large, but Euph manages to lasso one of his smaller cousins before forcibly ejecting him from the house.......Sleepless in Somerset Elb is a frustrated dreamster, in need of an extra, extra read-all-about-it strong blend of guano-free coffee, but still manages to photograph the skytacular sunrise over Weevil that morning, and post it up for all to see.... In response to Euphemia’s query, Elb admits to having drawn the short straw to tackle her homicidal sister’s attitude problem, but awaits delivery of armour before engaging her sibling in the battle of the giants, while Catherine savours the taste of good coffee after a morning’s poo-pocketing...... However, she fears she may be up for the push as her unsavoury bosses are hiring another slave, and Euphemia reinforces her paranoia by departing quick-smart.......

Vanessa and Els pass through, but all is quiet till lunchtime when there is a sudden rush of Tarts through ENGLAND! Jo fiddles with her settings, and can now join in Spoiler Fun, Euphemia sympathises with poorly Del, and Breila has a day in bed with books, but without her scaffolders! Euphemia auditions for “Zombies in Mitcham”, while Louby catches up on the gags from last night, and adds one of her own.... Breila loses her professor of Law, so asks Gerry to deputise, Louby goes back to school, and Dandie envies Breila her chillout day. Dr Dandie prescribes one for Del who is suffering wth a nervous stomach, Lady Claire zips through, and Miss Hyde has the miseries despite still going to Uni...... Mommy-Jo advises her to go out and play so she’ll feel better, while Catherine notes that the second part of Gerry’s WBZ interview is available for download. ENGLAND right-click obediently........

Gerry earns a black mark from Catherine for getting Lolita on the fags already, but is otherwise engaging, articulate and funny, reminding ENGLAND why exactly we love him!

Magdalena gets her acceptance letter from Uni, and Euphemia tells Miss Hyde to get down and party, while Elb comes in at the tail end and hasn’t got the foggiest what’s going on..... (No change there!) Els drools over her new lappy, Elb alerts ENGLAND to Yorkie’s imminent return, and Breila reassures Miss Hyde that all will be well in the world of Uni.... Euphemia checks that Elb is still functioning after the tussle with her sister, but Yellow-Bellied-Elb hasn’t yet bitten the bullet so is offered the Heavy Mob as backup, but she would prefer yellow-towel Gerry at her back instead..... There is discussion as to where one would keep small change in such a garment, and it is decided that secret sporrans are the solution.....Meanwhile, ENGLAND wonder if G and pup are roaming the Highlands, but Catherine puts the Kibosh on that by announcing that Lolita is too young for a passport.......

Els plays smutty sea shanties, Elb awards herself a red card plus one in advance after practising mind-reading, and Vanessa and Goffy are lured into the thread by the merest mention of yellow towel...... ENGLAND WOOTs to hear Goffy’s mum is out of hospital, and will be getting home help to ease pressure on Goffy, while Goffy gets mushy - then technical!..... The Team have trouble with chipmunks, and the Chippendales invade the thread. Rover is spotted in Southend, and Elb has trouble with loudmouthed ****ing teenagers who eff and blind outside her house. She passes on a message from Yorkie who plans to get online tonight, so the planned ‘Kayleigh’ is put on hold till later! The Cussing Virus passes to Elb who effs her way through her posts, and tells ENGLAND that ****ing Abridged is up, for those who give a ****, then picks a fight with Vanessa in Scouse-stylee..........(with apologies to wee Scouser Goffy)

Gusti props her eyes open with matchsticks, determined to rejoin ENGLAND if only for a short while, and Catherine too needs pit props as optical aids as she’s been up since 4! Dandie sneezes her way back into the thread after dusting - ENGLAND don waterproofs - and Euphemia plans to be upstanding in her lounge until Rover is ensnared, while Cathy throws a new face (Dermot Mulroney) into the fray for ENGLAND to rip apart......er...consider. Still-awake Gusti is confoosed by the cursing, Goffy gets ****ing sentimental about Team ENGLAND, and Vanessa puts in a request for a ****ing shotgun.... Elb issues a challenge to occupy ENGLAND whilst waiting for Yorkie’s appearance - post the funniest pics from your Photobucket! There is much rustling in the galleries........Dandie shoots her mouth off about kids using her as an ATM, then passes her gun to Vanessa who aims to terminate her neighbour’s musical fusillade, and Cathy gets the hump while finding her funniest photos.....Breila steals a pic from Knuckleheadlot, Euphemia’s is a load of bo***cks, and Gusti’s disguise fails when she is spotted in another forum far, far away....... Elb calls Last Orders on the thread just as Tina shivers in, and Jo cracks up with her offering for funniest pic, then everything goes ominously quiet, giving poor chilly Tina a complex..... ENGLAND are merely rummaging through their Photobuckets, as evidenced by Euphemia’s banging then leaving a sign, and Vanessa’s zebra on a motorbike...... Elb dumps Foo-kin Noodles (not her cat) in ENGLAND, and an Els-in-a-can, offending Els who huffily witholds her randomness for the next thread...... Nobody volunteers for Threadstarting duty, so once again, Elb does the honours and churns out ENGLAND 125 - High-Speed InterCity BritTarts! (Team ENGLAND trains for express chattering!) but ENGLAND blithely natter on past 300 until Elb points out the diversion onto the new track...........

Ice-Queen of Frozen Vamp Tina is first past the post in an effort to warm up, while Cathy and Euphemia Gergasm in mid-leap from thread to thread....... Els posts iSpam from her sparkly new laptop, and Tina goes to warm up with Jamie by the fire, while Vanessa shows off her daughter’s speedy new avi........

THEN.............The Intrepid Travelling Yorkie returns, and ENGLAND go bananas welcoming back their long-absent comrade-in-hugs............and Gusti goes to bed after waiting up for the Return of the Prodigal Tart. Catherine also hugs her Paranoia Sis in passing as she slopes off to her bed, while Els brings out the towelspam to celebrate..... Yorkie tells of early mornings (YORKIE??) and late-night goings on (not sure we want to ask....) and promises tales of fabulous ports of call, but is more concerned with sucking up to the cat who is sulking, despite having a holiday of his own...... She has eaten for ENGLAND, which pleases Fat Elb no end, as she hurtles to hug her Paranoia Twin, interrupted only by Beth from the KT who reminds ENGLAND that the deadline for their Memory Cards is drawing near..... Mr Yorkie is in bad books, having refused to go Gerry-hunting as soon as the family disembarks, and as if to refresh Yorkie’s paranoia, most of ENGLAND abandon thread for bed...... Elb has news of holidaying Sparkle, currently engrossed in PSILY on a Spanish beach, and Berenise hopes that Iceland-bound Gerry will bring Sturla ENGLANDwards for the Gala Premiere in Finchley........ Jo can’t keep up, Yorkie recalls Tarting About with Breila, and Elb becomes Official Tart Messenger.... Yorkie throws in the towel early, as she needs to work her way up to speed gradually and would prefer to keep her teeth in her head rather than on her keyboard!

Dandie, Eeyore, Vanessa and Jo make up the graveyard shift, and Dandie fills her Photobucket while chatting, while Jo critiques films for Eeyore.... Elb too quits while she’s behind, and potters off to Blogger to try and catch up with Abridged. The late crew persuade Dandie to put her name on the waiting list for Glasgow, and night-owl Jo explains her 3AM habits to Dandie who finally puts the thread to bed at 2am...... At the magical 3am, she sets the table for Breakfast Coven.........

Camels snort in the night............

ENGLAND 123 - It’s Easy as A..B..C!

(Just drop in, open your mouth and see what comes out......)

Once again, Gusti the Quiet creeps in and posts softly so as not to awaken the sleepers in ENGLAND....... She apologises in advance for not attending tonight, but she’s off out with Real Friends for the evening. She too is glad to see our Goffy back, has a chortle at Mini-Marek’s expense, then leaves for work to wing it through her seminars....... Catherine continues her UnGodly o’clock routine and Elb worries unnecessarily, as Catherine has three hairy bodyguards to keep her company on her wanderings. Tempus fugits away, and Elb leaves a freshly pressed copy of Abridged behind while she performs her morning ablutions then scurries off, late yet again......

Enter a stranger stage right.......... Els strolls in from work in need of a GB fix, after OD’ing on Depp in Jump Street, and having her computer hijacked by her sibling, then Catherine rushes in with news that Gerry is in SCOTLAND!!!!! The news was let out on another thread and has spread like wildfire......... Catherine hoists up a big WELCOME HOME GERRY banner and ENGLAND hopes for the seemingly impossible that he might still be in the UK by the 9th........... Jo and Els discuss their worries for the forthcoming ‘PS, I Love You’ script, and dreamy Signe signs in after a long absence.... Euphemia empathises with the feelgood factor a Gerdream has, Evangelia (in Scotland) gets whiplash looking for Gerry, and has a breakdown, and Els gets gooey over Scottish Bondage pants.......ENGLAND practise fainting into Gerry’s arms but have the medics on standby in case excess baggage puts his back out..... Els berates herself for plane thinking, but Euphemia goes along for the ride after failing to find the Crosswest Travel Agency, but isn’t obsessed at all. Much. Els tries and fails to think pure, honest thoughts, but remembers she doesn’t know how, Del drops in unawares, and the Obsessed Stalking Party gathers momentum as Jo and Vanessa book tickets on the LooneyTunes flight too..... Euphemia plans on founding Team ENGLANDsville in Scotland, where she plans on running the local culinary establishment, and Debbie flits through ENGLAND after getting her PS........ Goffy flies by en route to the hospital to see Mum, Euphemia wants to see how Gerry’s parts are handled, and puts Del in the picture.... She feels a sudden urge for Starbucks and heads out with her camera....... Guilt-ridden Catherine reassures Admin that ENGLAND are merely jesting, while ENGLAND reassure Catherine, and Els gets narked that she is expected to actually WORK at work.......ENGLAND decide they are too chicken to meet celebs, watch kids’ cartoons and there are more reservations about PSILY from Marsha....... Lady Claire can’t understand where New York fits into the book, Dandie books her spot in ENGLANDsville as resident American geneologist, while Marsha brings the BritTarts up to speed with her life..... Euphemia is delighted to find a victim in Dandie for her restaurant, Breila posts her mugshot, and Jo threatens to take her tribe to Chez Euphemia’s for tea........

Vanessa’s daughter wants critiques on her vids, and Els goes to the laptop shop to ease PC congestion in her house........Home-at-last Em rolls out the Welcome banners afresh for Gerry, and Catherine takes the words out of Elb’s (and Meatloaf’s) mouth by casually tossing in an End of Thread Alert as she heads off for dinner....... Elb appoints Em as ThreadStarter du Jour, and dozey-does off to catch up while Em conjures up ENGLAND 124 - BritTarts discuss world politics and bio-genetic erga?......... Mother Nature decides Signe should sign off before she can suggest a thread title, and ENGLAND conga through into the next thread........

Elb Malaproper-ly and purely by accident begins the fastest comedy routine that ENGLAND has yet witnessed, with special guests Crosswest and Euphemia, along with three stooges Jo, Vanessa and Em. The gags fly thick and fast while Euphemia takes exception to Vanessa’s suggestion that the Breakfast Crew are fast and loose wimmin....... Elb announces that the Viking Helmet WILL make an appearance in London, while Mini-Marek will not...... Emmy practises mind-reading on Goffy, while breathless Berenise finally tracks ENGLAND down, WOOTs for Gerry being back in the UK, and WOOTs for his.....ooops....Elb’s helmet......Marsha thinks Elb is ‘special’ - ( Elb growls) - and asks the origins of her name. Catherine scrapes the bottom with her football joke, Breila has an affair with hypens and mixed metaphors but fails to construct a proper joke, while over-excited Cathy doesn’t realise ENGLAND have moved....... Elb gives Mini-Marek a complex about size - again, and Els issues “greetings from my lovely new laptop” and is never seen again......... Queen of Vamp Tina is gutted, nay - bereft, to discover that Tennant-Tottiness was within reach yesterday, and Goffy plays Guess-the-Strange-Pash with Em. ENGLAND WOOT for Els’ shiny new lappiness, while MM misbehaves in the caffeine department once more.... Elb explains the history of her name, and ENGLAND find MM’s wee butt strangely attractive.

The jokes continue thick and fast, and the Team speedily wheeze their way through the new thread before mud-covered, phone-losing Gracie returns from the Leeds Festival. Usual Festival stuff then........She sees the new thread title and thinks ENGLAND have graduated in English while she’s been away..... Breila’ computer behaves, and cracked-up Dandie is impressed by Elb’s 12 inch man, but Elb is less than impressed by the rancid hum emanating from her kitchen, so excuses herself to track down the source, while Eeyore reveals her sparkly new siggy, courtesy of Chief Siggy-Maker Del. ENGLAND dutifully “Ooh!” and “Aaah!”, and make generally appreciative noises, while Tina is at last cheered up by the ENGLAND floorshow...... Eeyore hopes Gerry is back for a top-up on his accent, and stares at her new sigginess, while Cathy finds no laughing matter in her grey matter, no matter....... As the jokes dry up, ENGLAND jump ship in favour of the gogglebox, and suddenly bereft Elb is startled by her own sudden appearance in a Knuckleheadlot ‘nip! She passes messages from and to Delanie (via text) who feels out of the loop, while Cathy and Eeyore discuss their passion for Victoriana and dirty windows, as Eeyore’s new siggy features stained glass.....

ENGLAND peaks early and gets Lost, leaving Jo, Vanessa and Eeyore at the helm. Vanessa is in funny mood, and tips her Photobucket out on the floor, plastering the thread with picspam........ Eeyore goes shopping for a new phone, and ENGLAND pimp phones and networks till the cows come home and Goffy, who has fallen asleep in her chair, goes to somewhere more sensible...... Vanessa doles out four helpings of Wulfiness and a side order of wet Butler for Elb, who returns from getting Lost and promptly departs again for the Abridged Express after adding her tuppenceworth for recommended mobiles.......

It’s left to Jo to tuck in the thread and find a stranger to sit by ENGLAND’s beds for the night. As the lights go out, ENGLAND snores, and the Stranger smirks...........

ENGLAND 122 - One is Too, Too Sexy for One’s Shirt!

(BritTarts bicker over best boys....)

Non-Bank-Holidaying Gusti creeps into ENGLAND so as not to disturb the exhausted ENGLANDers, cracks up, consoles also-working Em and creeps out again..... Catherine pops in pre- and post-walkies, whilst managing to ensnare Elb in between posts. Neither Elb nor Mini-Marek are impressed with the new coffee - with or without bat guano - and Sparkle inadvertently auditions for Breakfast Coven whilst cackling over Mini-Marek’s exploits of the previous night...... Elb indulges in Extreme Ebaying while Catherine studies for her Doctorate in Domesticity as already attained by absent Paranoia Triplet Yorkie........

Tina catches up with Abridged, and enjoys her new title of ‘Queen of Vamp’ as dubbed by Elb, and which later appears in her siggy! Elb is frustrated by all the domestic chores being performed by Tarts on a HOLIDAY, and refuses to do any at all...... Del is in and out on errands via the internet cafe, and Jo catches the mini-shopping bug from Elb. Euphemia wishes Del a belated happy birthday - again - and dreads the return of yesterday’s monster spider, while cruel Elb teases her with a peekaboo spider spoiler...... Jo suffers from a surfeit of Neils, Eeyore has a glut of Gareths, and Euphemia is home alone with the Invisible Giant Arachnid with nary a Mr the Horrible or monster-chasing moggy to help...... Or even Eeyore who likes eight-legged freaks! Mini-Marek tries to further his education, but finds the dictionary heavy-going, while Elb the Wicked teases Euphemia still further about the spider crawling up her chairleg......ENGLAND discuss their fears and phobias, and argue over how many spiders folk swallow while asleep......Catherine hates craneflies while Eeyore hates crowds - but would talk to any strange BritTarts if they sat next to her on the bus..... Elb can’t walk on mesh (or water) and has a fear of threads running out, so issues the customary end of thread warning..... Catherine pushes thread-starting her way, so despite intending to let someone else do it, Elb churns out Thread 123 - It’s Easy as A..B..C! contrary to Catherine and Euphemia’s expectations of a Des O’Connor number..... Poor Eeyore digs herself into a hole with the Improper Old Wimmin of Team ENGLAND, and everyone clambers out into the next thread..........

Despite it being easy-peasy, Gerry can’t count and high fives it into the new thread, while Euphemia thinks he’s a closet Trekkie...... Elb does lunch: Sausage Sarnie Cordon Bleu, and Catherine has a blast from the past, which causes a lapse into unaccustomed seriousness....... Everyone does the Hokey-Cokey during the afternoon, and Jo makes the mistake of reading the end of PSILY...... There is much chatter about the emotional nature of the book, and ENGLAND stock up on Kleenex. Tina is saving herself for London, and much-missed Goffy returns to explain yesterday’s absence when she had to rush her poorly mum to hospital..... ENGLAND rally round as she tells how thoughtful hubby pampered her afterwards with a cuppa and a Gerryvid! Em follows hot on Goffy’s heels, exhausted after the Bank Holiday from Hell, complete with Animal Rights Campaigners! Eeyore gets an email from a potential suitor but sets Rentokil on him as she’s not a meal ticket! Em is accused of abusing kiddies, when the reality is the complete reverse, Catherine plans on doing impressions of pandas, and comfort-spam is launched for those in need, while Catherine recommends the ‘WTF is Ambisexual?’ thread again, this time for Leo/Phanty amalgamations........ Jo succumbs to mini-shopping and buys a white shirt for Mini-Marek, but Lady Claire’s is sadly without a change of clothes...... Sparkle returns legless from Granny’s after a lunch with cryptic crinklies at Bletchley, and bids farewell to ENGLAND for a week before heading off to de-fuzz for her hols......

Dandie catches up, issues salutations and consolations before going to buy a new printer, while Catherine holds back the tears after getting to the final PS. Elb potters in after a lazy day of writing and Miss Hyde is bowled over by new cricketing totty which compensates for England losing...... Eeyore drops off in the Underworld, and Elb attempts to slow things down while she blogs up to speed by getting ENGLAND to count, but Jo dozes off, Eeyore gets bored and Vanessa can’t count. Tina doesn’t want to risk brain-ache, so Euphemia offers to type very S-L-O-W-L-Y and Eeyore indulges Elb by playing I-Spy....... Cathy’s daughter proves she’s been house-trained, but her example doesn’t rub off on her brothers, while Tina gets excited by hot stuff outside..... She fails to earn her BritTart brownie points as she won’t get out of her jammies to investigate the fuss, but waits till hunky firemen are within spitting distance..... ENGLAND gather behind twitching curtains......

Vanessa’s daughter becomes a one-woo-man Vid Factory, and cracks on with a Goffy vid, while Em and Tina make plans for a Gerry night in with the girls. Cathy posts a link for her Wulfy vid, and ENGLAND watch her paint dry....... Eeyore gets confoosed over filmery and watches ‘Captain Corelli’s Third Bale of Star Wars’, and GB.net gets the hiccups once more. Elb returns grumpy and filthy after going to her daughter’s vehicular assistance, but simply wants to get back into her PJs after pizza, while Euphemia pushes drugs..... Dandie is back with an all-singing, all-dancing printer, and picspam begins - again. Goffy manages an 8-hug salute, despite being on the phone, and Euphemia posts up a Wanted poster of her missing 8-legged visitor.... Jo’s bottom lip goes all wobbly over a pic, while Elb’s bottom is wobbly all over and Dandie buys flowers...... Cathy wants to bite G’s bottom lip, but Elb with judicious editing, prefers to bite his bottom, and is so impressed with Cathy’s soundtrack that she buys the album....

Not content with drug-pushing, Euphemia encourages over-age drinking too, and Jo gives a hug demo, (each and every one sincere) so the Team can perfect their hugs for the B&G premiere, and ENGLAND encourage Madz in her vid-making efforts........ Post-House painter Cathy is off to bed with Gerry and adds a PSILY, Em has a hissy fit along with her broadband, Dandie worries that she has started a trend, and Vanessa sends in yellow-towelled, bat-wielding Gerry to take care of Euphemia’s little problem........ BritTarts swoon at the size of his weapon, and queue up to take a battering......Jo plans to hide from snap-happy Goffy in London but Goffy wants all hugs recorded for posterity and for a new vid to show GB.net what a bunch of silly huggers ENGLAND are..... Trainee vidder Madz churns out yet another, while ENGLAND while away the hours discussing the merits or otherwise of spider-squishing and bat-kissing.......

All puckered out, ENGLAND hurry off for their ablutions and last-minute bedtime preparations, leaving Vanessa behind to lock up for the night. She leaves Gerry the Spider-Mangler as lookout, and Terry/Gerry on guard duty, and hastens away to her bed..........

ENGLAND 121 hurtles headlong into 122........

BritTarts get all Swanky, dreaming of a 1-2-1 with Gerry.....

After a night off blogging, Elb has a lie-in on the Sunday morning, so Catherine is first up to attend to nightwatchman Gerry who is somewhat stiff after holding his sword all night in defence of his ENGLAND team..... Workaholic Gusti joins her and plans to take a work in the park, and points out more news on the Wrath of Gods site. Catherine does the Hokey-Cokey amid domestic bliss, as does Tina, but there is more Hokey than Cokey and they fail to synchronise their ins and outs......

Elb arrives later and confesses to falling asleep on Wulfy, while frantic Jo hunts for a certain video, and Miss Hyde procrastinates a la Elb. Catherine girds her loins to face the crowds, and is advised by a mysterious Elb to purchase a black T shirt, the purpose of which will be revealed later........ They both stock up on Tena Lady and download Em-Elle’s latest bladder-challenging vid, while Eeyore and Long-Lost LauraC join the ENGLAND layabouts along with Queen of Vamp Tina, who is in ghoulish drooling mood after getting her teeth into vampire vids...... Laura is out of the loop regarding the B&G screening, so both Tina and Eeyore round her up and head her in the right direction for tickets, but to her dismay, she has a prior engagement as not-so Fairy Godmother..... Eeyore invites her to the B&G Online Consolation Party, Catherine returns from Bogie shopping in the Metropolis that is Barnstaple, and Lard-Ass Lady W needs a forklift after lunch...... Elb is all behind, and does Breakfast Coven Revisited, while Eeyore nudges everyone who forgot Miss Magdalena’s birthday yesterday. ENGLAND hastily correct the mistake....... Miss Hyde is allowed out to play after tasks are done, Catherine concocts Instant Migraine with the ingredients of her meagre lunch, and as with most families on a Sunday afternoon, ENGLAND bicker... (over best boys) Elb meanwhile, after being admonished by Eeyore for forgetting birthdays, does her homework and records all such events for posterity on her lappy, and thence to her phone..... Lest we forget.......

Laura begins picwars with her birthday list, and ENGLAND pull pretty men apart between them, but Catherine relinquishes all others bar our Gerry, as Bogie popped his clogs before she was a twinkle, so doesn’t count. Laura raises ENGLAND’s blood pressure with the ubiquitous White String photo, and Louby drops in at the end of the thread - the ENGLAND thread, not Gerry’s...... Elb issues the customary End of Thread Alert, but has a new one up her sleeve ready to pull out at a moment’s notice, while Louby complains that her freshly delivered Mini-Marek has the incorrect ocular shade...... Not what she had in mind, but okay..... She plans to handcuff the wee man after making him new trousers, then wonders why her family regard her with deep suspicion.

Elb distracts Laura with the link to Marek’s fashion show, then she and the rest of ENGLAND join hands and leap into ENGLAND 122 - One is Too, Too Sexy for One’s Shirt! (BritTarts bicker over best boys....)

Mini-Marek begins the show in scene-stealing black leather, and picwars continues but with a Gerry theme... Elb guiltily confesses to being witness to micro-mooning, and confirms that MM sadly has no arse, while Catherine diverts attention to a hysterical thread entitled ‘WTF is ambisexual?’ in which there is much discussion of Spartans' love of scented candles, pot pourri and strappy sandals..... Laura lusts after her own Mini-Marek, and is given directions on where to find him, and greedy Jo wants more.... Elb issues a serious warning about spoof emails from PayPal and eBay which is endorsed by Jo, but normal service is quickly resumed and Dandie creeps in under the radar while ENGLAND WOOTs for Louby’s lips as she reaches a century.

Sparkle attends to pressing family matters, and looks forward to a jolly in Spain next week, Eeyore is sidetracked and backtracked by semi-nekkid and fragrant young Bloom, and breathless Gusti follows the ENGLAND trail from the park through the jungle and eventually has to make a leap of faith into the new thread. Jo is summoned back to Real Life to deal with domestic debris, ENGLAND wish Sparkle happy hols, and Eeyore is distraught when Orli joins the murdered in Midsomer....... Gusti’s mind wanders off to work, leaving the rest of her to lurk in GB.net, where she falls prey to deadly picspam from Eeyore, and Dandie plucks up courage to balance her books.... Vanessa reads her chequebook and weeps, and terminal workaholic Em returns in a bad mood...... Elb complains about the violent youth of today - and wants to punch their little lights out, while Gusti is done in by fatal photos.... Em pooh-poohs Elb’s suggestion that she negotiate the 9th off, as she needs the dosh, and non-communicative Euphemia chooses to lurk lest she play......

Picspam wears a little thin, so Elb lobs in an ode to cheer Euphemia, pakes the tiss out of Jo’s typos and ‘Brong an Ide Note’ begins by accident...... A search party is sent out for Gusti, Euphemia and Goffy while folk ponder their poetry, and Catherine apologises to Mary Poppins. Gusti recovers and returns, and Em eats enough garlic to keep Gerracula away, Jo has a stab at TR2 limericking, while lubricated Elb lets rip with her rude rhymes......... Goffy’s absence gives cause for concern, but ENGLAND soldier on with odd odes and picspam...... Em gets poetic about her missing Perv Twin, Elb waxes lyrical about Mini-Marek, and Euphemia returns with an epic ode to Attila. Jo tackles King Leo, while Catherine pays homage to B&G, and Jo wants a challenge.... Gusti’s fortune-teller doesn’t forsee a change in her work rota, so has to reschedule Gusti, and Els apologises for her absence..... Jo and Elb have a Crispy Creedy Poetry Bake-Off, while Em just smells like him and Em explains to Eeyore what a chiminea is as opposed to a chimera.......... Catherine, Em and Gusti throw in the poetry towel, Elb gets carried away, and the rest of Team ENGLAND just wish she was........ Eeyore gets hiccups and weird messages from beyond the Photobucket, while Gerry could smoke stationery and Jo would still find him sexy!

All poem’d out, Elb plays Hide and Seek with Marek again, but he’s easy to spot in her drawers. Arachnid-tracking Euphemia finally launches herself out from behind the sofa and lobs in an ode to Gerry before climbing on a chair once more, while Em has far too much sugar and thinks Mini-Marek should go into print...... Elb asks for props and pictorially abridges Marek’s adventures for Vanessa, and Balespam begins in earnest...... Mini-Marek obliges Dandie with his big sword, and Jo suddenly develops a plastic fetish....... Elb discovers -shock, horror- that MM has no navel, and ENGLAND immediately rush to check that The Real Thing has the requisite fluff-collector. Happily, he satisfies on more than just that level, but ENGLAND get sidetracked by sexy Raoul - Bova, not De Chagny......... Picspam continues unabated and Elb jacks it in, in favour of a night with Jamie, while Jo, Eeyore and Vanessa spill their Photobuckets all over ENGLAND’s floor and get Bale-gasmic....... They decide on a Butler-Bale sandwich for late-night supper, but Eeyore pigs out on a five-layer Club Sarnie, risking a bad case of Totty-Tum. She puts ENGLAND to bed, leaving Super-Gerry in charge, and heads off to explore Big Marek’s belly-button.........

Blogger's Night Off!

Owing to digital downtime, ENGLAND....Abridged will not appear today. Normal service will be resumed tomorrow.

I thank you.

ENGLAND 120 - Room A-Plenty at the BritTart Inn!

(We’ve got fun, frolics and fruitloops!)

At her own private Breakfast Club at UnGodly o’clock, Gusti celebrates with only a half day to work, and looks forward to joining ENGLAND later....... Catherine too checks in before Deadly o’clock doggy-doings, and next past the post is Elb also on solo sign-in, or so she thinks, until Euphemia rallies to keep up numbers...... It’s coffee from the cauldron this morning, along with Euphemia’s beauty secrets and culinary tips, while Elb thinks the site could do with a good dose of prunes to speed things up..... Catherine returns at a more sensible hour after suffering in silence as the dogs cause grievous fingerly harm, and adds canines to the cauldron. Elb and Euphemia outdo each other with ghastly graphics, while Catherine is wary of guts and gore in ‘300’ and may have to digitally enhance her outlook.......Elb fails to complete her Abridging quota again before work, and Catherine thanks Euphemia for fingernail tips before she too goes to face the world....... Euphemia books a padded cell for three.....

Sparkle confirms the certifiable status of the Breakfast Coven, and is joined by Vanessa and compulsive eBayer Miss Hyde, who is armed and dangerous with brand new cheque book! Del pops in, but ENGLAND remains resolutely quiet until late afternoon when Lady Claire files her review of ‘PS, I Love You’......Catherine adds a cheery vidlink, and Euphemia escapes from her straitjacket to attend Afternoon Session with Cool-Hand Miss Hyde and Gusti the Missing, while Berenise catches up and plans for the Bank Holiday weekend are discussed.... Lady Claire abandons Jamie for Gerry, but Berenise is more principled and puts Jamie first. Vanessa feeds OG (Old Git) and Em bumps into Gusti, and arranges a private party for those in ENGLAND who aren’t going to B&G in London. Lady Claire points out that the release date for ‘300’ has become more vague, and Gusti agrees to ENGLAND-sit while the Team are away, although is not so keen when Em puts her on baking-duty...... Em relents and posts pics of her birthday cake, which brings Eeyore running, and Elb out of hiding from the men in white coats. She’s in gleeful WOOTing mood despite having to work tomorrow, and fellow Coven member Catherine injects a positive note with the theory that maybe ‘300’ will be out sooner rather than later, but pessimistic but probably right Lady Claire disagrees.......

Chilly ENGLAND gather round the glow of Hot-Flush Elb who warms the cockles of the thread......Em shouts at pensioners, Eeyore is exciteable, and Elb is in smutty mood, garnering the first of many red cards.... Euphemia has sit-down comedy off-pat, Catherine’s day is pants, with bad T shirts and Parker like a dog with two tails, but she finds it impossible to be miserable for long with Euph around....... Vanessa says that Gerry’s a-knocking but he can’t get in, while Goffy strides valiantly into Red Card territory with a question of taste, and blames Gerry for her full box. She still can’t put a Hot Scot down, while Em deserts the thread for fish fingers..... Gusti’s not feeling chatty, so Elb assures her that the rest of the Team will make up for it, Euphemia performs top notch sit-down stand-up, and long-time no-see LauraC appears now her exams are over. She’s happy as a pig in poo with her results! Em joins in with sit-down stand-up, but Catherine takes a break as her war wound is giving her jip. Fifth time lucky Els dips into the Dead Man’s Chest for yet another dose of Depp, and Elb asks for mini-fashion advice. Cathy gets an unwanted eyeful of fashion non-sense, Euphemia pleads partial insanity as her excuse for current misbehaviour, while Elb goes for the full Monty........ Jo gives the heads-up on another date for Nessie-spotting at TartCon2, Gusti drools over Phantiness whilst posting, and Mini-Marek gets the sulks over skirts...... Em loads up with more Jamie, while Vanessa would swap hubby for Gerry in two seconds flat.... Gusti makes a BIG Freudian slip when typing and cracks herself up while fooking around, and Euphemia doesn’t waste time with beds, but wants her two secondsworth NOW! Cathy reveals that Gerry strips off in ‘PS, I Love You’ and hopes that OUR Gerry does too, while Eeyore finds mini Nikes for Mini-Mareks on eBay! Elb and Jo go into raptures and Goffy is seen streaking through ENGLAND screaming “I love you all!”.......

ENGLAND pick a Gerry for a hug, and Euphemia stresses out, packs up and ships out..... Sparkle asylum-swaps, there is a bried smattering of picspam, but ENGLAND runs out of steam - and patience with the slow-moving site, and most inmates retire for the night, although brave Dandie comes back for a second helping of ENGLAND’s own particular brand of lunacy.... Amnesiac Elb vanishes to finish yesterday’s Abridged, and Cathy is on stress overload having discovered that her sprog has been penalised for a vehicular violation. Jamie accumulates a harem to accompany him to bed, and Dandie is a calming influence, while Vanessa is Officially Obsessed. The remaining Team members put on a suitable display of WOOTing, and Elb FINALLY gets yesterday’s Abridged hoisted before retiring for the night, leaving Eeyore to tutor Vanessa in basic GB.netting.

Tutoring done, Eeyore wraps things up for the (very) late night, and leaves Attila to ENGLAND’s imagination, as Photobucket is undergoing maintenance....... ENGLAND sleeps safe in the knowledge that tomorrow is just another day on GB.net.........

ENGLAND 119 - A place to waste...er...make good use of our time.......

Catherine opens ENGLAND’s curtains to discover that it’s still dark outside, and ventures forth in solitary doggydom....... Elb awakes to discover Catherine has left six parcels of WOOT for her, and isn’t alone after all, as Euphemia drags herself into BC and adds her WOOTs to the pile..... Catherine returns after handbags at dawn doggy-style, and the coven get down to the serious business of being silly.... Euphemia awaits the awakening of the Incredible Sulk, Elb ejects One-Crutch BabyElb for work, and Catherine times her routine to get more BC time... Grumpy Elb grumbles about too much talking behind her back, while Catherine pimps a video from Saturday’s Anatomy Class on the KT, and Euphemia WOOTs to be a witch. Elb makes like a panda - eats, shoots and leaves, and Catherine becomes a dropout.

Sparkle catches up with camera-loving Mini-Marek and the fashion show, and Jo bounces in, one proud Mama of her daughter’s most excellent exam results....... Miss Hyde makes a welcome return, and has a darned good WOOT for Elb’s 6K and Ellis’ results, while Jo goes ‘Natural’ with big-time droolage...... Still-snotty Vanessa joins Jo and Em for lunch, and Jo begins the birthday celebrations for Delanie! Speaking of the Horny Beast, Del appears as if summoned, and endures a riot of multi-coloured dancing smilies, before adding some of her own for belated birthdays..... Sparkle, Goffy, Lady Claire and Catherine add their good wishes as Del heads out for a “ME” day, and Els is cheerier thanks to yet more Depp.... Lady Claire adds a PS I Love You to her post, and Gusti makes a rare (these days) appearance, to apologise unnecessarily for non-attendance....

Euphemia has a trying day - she tries to do the washing, the ironing and hoovering, but fails...... Elb has one of ‘those’ days at work, and consoles herself with a portion of ‘Casanova’ and chips, while Gusti can’t settle with Gerry, and can’t work either! She hopes Mini-Marek is coming to Vienna with Elb, and encourages her to buy yet more accessories for the Micro-Marek....... Famous last words Catherine tells Elb ENGLAND has been quiet, so Abridging should be a doddle....then everyone piles in......... Gusti needs more hours in the day while Goffy adds WOOTs for Elb’s 6000th and Jo’s sprog’s success. Cathy adds to the piles for Elb and Del, Euphemia treads carefully for fear of snails, and gets her fingers burned by molesting chickens ahead of schedule.......Elb thanks all for her WOOTs, while Jo thanks all for theirs on sprog’s behalf, and Euphemia’s old git is still old and still a git..... Vanessa suggests a helpful smack for hubby, but Euph declines as she’d have to get too close, and Cathy gets a stiff one........ Elb complains about her inconsiderate sprog, and suggests Left Luggage Lockers where all ENGLAND’s excess baggage can be dumped, beginning with thoughtless offspring....... Newbie DandieMacG lurks at the back before being welcomed to ENGLAND, Sparkle gets crafty over her grandparents’ long stretch, and Eeyore has a WOOTfest for 6K, exam success and the return of her cycle! Tina ponders prizes, absent-minded Cathy gets to the PS, but forgets what it is, and Catherine’s Mr Grumpy is excused residency in Left Luggage as he has a doctor’s note........ Dandie is absorbed by ENGLAND, and Goffy loses track of time with Jamie, and offers advice to Catherine regarding her Mr Grumpy - try tweaking her brightness and contrast......

Elb relays a message from the Intrepid Travelling Yorkie who that afternoon has set sail from Helsinki for Russia, after forcing hubby to endure a double dose of Phanty....... The Yorkies carry on cruising and it’s decided that all keys for Left Luggage Lockers should be lost once contents are secure..... Eeyore is absorbed with Jamie on the bus, and Elb adds Gusti’s birthday to the list, because it’s the same as hers. She ensures that everyone notices, and ENGLAND WOOT for Eeyore’s period! Euphemia’s locker gets filled up fast, while Vanessa’s son earns a place for going AWOL with her POTO disc, and Elb thanks Tina for leftover Tennant-Tottiness...... Both Jo and Euphemia fancy a large portion, Cathy bungs her ex in the lockers, and Elb adds her evil sister, but only after she’s had Blackpool....... Jo’s marbles go AWOL, while Vanessa squeezes her entire family plus pets AND computer in her locker. Dandie lobs a printer into hers and Eeyore’s customers are locked up too. Goffy is cheered up by ENGLAND and abandons hubby for Jamie in bed...... Euphemia goes to Spells R’Us for ingredients for tomorrow’s Breakfast Coven, and Jo turns furry animals into fast food, while Elb gets frightened by mosquitoes invading her Photobucket. They are quickly shut into the lockers. Eeyore beats Elb to issuing an End of Thread Alert early after last night’s over-run, but Elb has a new thread already under way and calls for ENGLAND to abandon thread at 300.....

ENGLAND obediently jump at the appropriate moment, landing in ENGLAND 120 - Room A-Plenty at the BritTart Inn! ENGLAND sit on Gerry’s lap and tell him all about it., flirting outrageously, but to no avail, and they all go to bed Gerryless........ Jo tidies up and locks ENGLAND’s door for the night, leaving security in Sweaty Frank’s safe hands.....

ENGLAND 118 - Livin’ in the State of Gerryland!

Grumpiness abounds first thing as the Three Witches of MacButler meet on the blasted heath of early-morning ENGLAND....... Mr the Horrible is living up to his name, and Euphemia spits nails and feathers in her desperation for a Java fix. Fellow caffeine-junkie Elb suffers from delayed crossness, and Catherine despairs of unsavoury employers...... Elb’s get-up-and-go has a lie-in, while Catherine’s savage beast is soothed by Gerry-giggles courtesy of WBZ. Euphemia ponders sabotaging Mr the Horrible’s coffee, Elb and Catherine offer the Mini-Marek solution, and it’s concluded that GB should be available on the NHS after his dulcet tones work wonders on the witches..... Terminal Cynicism is added to the trio’s CV, and the hags depart to meet again later.....

Em arrives for a hard days’ work....... and logs on. Elb, who is supposed to be working from home this morning hasn’t even logged off...... Catherine gets in ca-ca with her canines, while Em has plenty of places for doggies to do - but sadly has no dogs.... Sparkle has upgraded from Twinkle to Shine, and Em is horribly hormonal and acts as College Rottweiler....... Jo enjoys peace and quiet except for her vocal cat, and is left hot and bothered by Melanieg’s ‘Natural’ vid, Elb puts Mini-Marek to work and promises to give ENGLAND a fashion show later on....... Breakfast Club is under threat due to lack of attendance, as Catherine may have to walk doggies sooner rather than later, and Elb is tealady to the door fitters who become gradually less hunky as the day progresses! Em puts in a request for some tea with her sugar, Evangelia arrives, sad that she missed Gerry in Greece - if it WAS him, and Euphemia is in stealth-housework mode so as not to disturb Mr the Horrible.....Elb urges her to rebel, but rueful Euph reckons Hubby Mk 3 is an old dog and new tricks are wasted on him..... Vanessa sympathises and ponders suffocation for hers, while Elb suggests returning Euphemia’s faulty goods to whence they came. They decide that solo life is best with a bit of bloke on the side, but unfortunately Life refuses to play ball......

Em returns, having seen off her co-worker, and gotten reacquainted with Jamie.......Goffy appears for lunch and is cheered by the WBZ interview, while Chez Elb, three young men bang away relentlessly downstairs, much to her frustration...... She, and Euphemia wryly reflect on the migration of their bits and bobs, and Euph ponders the fact that her grey matter doesn’t..... Em hasn’t got sexual healing, but has got a mouthful, and Euphemia’s personal Kraken awakes, so she goes to prepare his pee..... er....tea. Vanessa gets Gerriness through her letterbox, and Elb indulges Goffy’s hand-to-mouth fetish in a very small way........ She leaves ENGLAND to return to work, pleased with her brand new door, but less pleased that she didn’t get a fumble from the fellas...... Marsha posts to show off her new siggy, Jo tackles bits and bobs, and Vanessa curls up and dies with Dracula....... Goffy, Em and Marsha have deep discussions about Bob the Button, Goffy shows off her Memory Card , and Catherine wants the Ultimate Last Word from Gerry and the Pacemakers.... Marsha gets confoosed again, and loses/finds WBZ..... Much to her dismay, Eeyore’s Gerryfest gives her nightmares, Sparkle’s glimmer gets a little brighter despite the inclement weather, ENGLAND are bothered by mozzies in their Photobuckets, and Euphemia still has the Grumps..... ENGLAND offer solutions for His Grumpiness, while Euphemia uses select terms of endearment for Hagar “Old Bo***ck Chops” the Horrible...... ENGLAND have wet pussies all round, and Gracie plans on taking a dinghy to the Leeds Festival instead of her tent. The rain continues to pour down, and the team are so involved with their discussion that they fail to heed Catherine’s End Of Thread warning, and speed past the 300 post limit...............

FINALLY, as Clan Paranoia wibble offscreen, someone pays attention and Sparkle pops her threadstarting cherry with ENGLAND 119 - A place to waste...er...make good use of our time, although it began life as “Insert funny title here”. Cathy WOOTs for new threadness and gets all warm and fuzzy about the Gerry interview on WBZ, and Euphemia drags her damp pussy over from the old thread. She wonders if Elb has similar problems when her pussy gets wet....... Elb returns from Real Life where a friend has been helping her with her lappy, and promises that Marek will strut his stuff in a mini-fashion show later on, while Paranoia Sis Catherine admits to feeling panicky because no-one had started a new thread in time...... Vanessa posts pictures of soggy moggies, Euphemia reckons Elb was hiding in the woodwork, and Quoter of the Day Em “goes away for noodles and comes back to find wet pussies and a new thread!” Gracie’s only has three legs and thus is prone to falling in puddles, and Em’s is too fat and lazy to get wet...... Euphemia worries about Em’s fat and lazy pussy, and admits hers has galloping alopecia, while Vanessa’s thinks it’s a Jack Russell.........

Newly-siggied-up Sparkle passes the 700th post, and reckons Elb and Catherine were waiting in the wings to see if anyone would start the new thread, but is mistaken - Elb wasn’t even online! Tina is in a good mood, and Cathy hasn’t enough hours in the day, while ENGLAND put their pussies on public display. Sparkle hasn’t got one and feels deprived. The Mini-Marek fashion show is eagerly awaited, and Petless-apart from Lord W, Tina admits that sadly, Lord Wolfshead is not yet trained...... Gracie suggests a nice big bone to keep him docile, while Tina considers more drastic options.....Catherine plans on a new early morning regime, which means Breakfast Club will lose another member, and Em gets the blame for Josh Groban.....Gracie retires to bed with Attila-stroking images, Jo discovers Cathy bought a Virgin Josh Groban, and ENGLAND are impatient for the Mini-Marek fashion show. Jacqlyn drops in mid-conversation, and discovers how to become a Born-Again Virgin, while Elb FINALLY arrives to announce the impending show......She goes off again to whip Marek into shape, and in the meantime, Vanessa hoists up a new Goffy-made siggy, then it’s time........

Despite a small audience, Marek’s turn on the catwalk is a success, and he triumphs in black leather...... Eeyore has a blonde moment, and siggy-switching Goffy makes up her mind. Again. She finds Mini-Marek in black leather worryingly sexy, while Cathy, also impressed, heads off to bed with Marek on her mind......Els stomps in, upset to say the least after Weevil are trounced soundly at footie, and goes to bed to commit random acts of thuggery on her unsuspecting pillows........ Tina asks if Elb had seen the Tottiness left for her yesterday, and Elb, very rudely forgets to reply...... THANK YOU TINA!! Pruney Jo returns from a long soak in the bath with a book, and Eeyore gets bad dreams after yesterday’s Gerry-fest, while Elb hotly defends her absence tonight, blaming it on Real Life.....Vanessa (who can snot for ENGLAND at present) announces a shortage of snot rags, and launches a mission to find more, while Eeyore too is all Gerried out. Jo is glad to be sitting behind Vanessa at B&G.......She heads off early, as tomorrow is results day for eldest sprog, leaving Elb alone to tuck ENGLAND in, and mull over her bad timing tonight - with her 6000th post, and no-one to WOOT with......... until Jo is drawn back by one more notification email, and gives her a satisfying six-WOOT salute! Elb goes to bed a satisfied bunny.......

ENGLAND 117 - Just Another Manic Monday...on Tuesday......

.......BritTarts rush round madly booking Wulfy tickets and buying PS, I Love You....

Gusti creeps into the darkened thread and out again, not knowing whether she’s on her arse or her elbow these days.... Catherine comes in through the front door, as per Admin’s request so site traffic can be counted, but it takes longer.... Elb still comes in by the back door, flagrantly flouting instructions as she still can’t remember her password, and tells Catherine all about Yorkie’s late-night visit. Ever-vigilant Catherine starts a birthday thread for Eeyore, but the pair trumpet their felicitations in ENGLAND in any case....Elb heads off to work - and promptly returns, as the ElbMobile has a flat tyre, and won’t be going anywhere until a nice man comes to fix it........

Em and Barbara join Els who is lonely in her office, and Team ENGLAND congregate for morning exercise: Jo opens her browser, Vanessa opens her mouth, and Els opens the betting as to who is more senile.....Del drops in for elevenses, while Els gets lost down the front of JD’s jeans, and birthday girl Eeyore gets lost in a purple haze on eBay.... The team discuss non-PC Tom & Jerry and diets, and Els presents our gallant defenders of the nation in rhapsodies....... Euph misses Yorkie, adds congrats to all who warrant them and peed-off Jo gives a heads-up on tour dates for Glasgow being moved.... Euphemia really MUST phone the Marriott, and wonders about booking flights, while Jo turns Travel Advisor, and Eeyore starts a BritTart birthday thread, with everyone adding their birthdays in one place.... Els adds cheesecake linkage for Eeyore’s birthday, and Del begins Picspam Poker which is to last all afternoon.... It becomes a long drawn-out standoff between Del and Em, with brief interruptions from Goffy and Eeyore. Goffy posts a link to her new Drac vid, then takes it down, and Eeyore indulges herself in a Gerry Film-Fest for the day. While Em and Del are still embroiled in pic-flinging, Catherine leans in to bellow an End of Thread Alert to which Del responds promptly, creating a new thread ENGLAND 118 - Livin’ in the State of Gerryland!

The picspam continues over into the new thread, which is good news for Elb, as the one-line (and sometimes one WORD) posts mean it is easily Abridged...... However, it is bad news for anyone with dial-up, as they have to wait forever for pictures to load if they want to click on the links..... Goffy points out that all her vids can now be found under her siggy, and Del finally throws in the picspam towel to indulge in retail therapy. Em persists, aided and abetted by Goffy who has OD’d on Dracula, having just made a Drac vid, but she isn’t happy with YouTube...... Sparkle is still a snotty mess but beginning to get her twinkle back, and Gerry-wallowing Eeyore mislays Terry but Jo finds him, while Vanessa doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going.....

Oft-absent Blu drops in to the mix to say hi and actually stays to chat, albeit briefly, revealing that she’s heading back home to Oz in November..... Team ENGLAND raise their collective eyebrows at the heated debate going on in the Stomach-Churning discussion about ‘300’, and thank their lucky teacups that ENGLAND is so civilised.... More tea vicar? At the mention of yellow towels, Els drops a triple whammy of towelling, and BabyElb comes to stay at Hotel Elb, meaning that Elb will be doing the Hokey-Kokey routine for the duration.... While Elb practises creative cremation for dinner, Tina delivers a small, but perfectly formed package of Tennant-Tottiness for her and is astounded that Goffy’s Drac-vid was inspired by her and Em..... Cathy multi-tarts while cycling round her bedroom, while Vanessa commentates on the footie, and Elb rushes in in mid-scorch to report that Gusti won’t be in tonight as she’s forgotten her laptop. Marbles are added to Gusti’s C-word list........ Everyone decides that Goffy’s latest epic is a keeper, and Eeyore’s brain turns to mush after a day of wall-to-wall Gerriness. There is a quick bout of football hooliganism between Tina and Goffy, Vanessa mentions the C-word, but is excused as she has a cold, and seldom-sleeping Jo finally draws breath...... ENGLAND gags over Lemsip, herbal teas, whiskey and milk and Eeyore settles on ‘Timeline’ as her favouritest bit of Gerr-love, then ENGLAND listen attentively en masse to the WBZ interview, the first 11 minutes of which is up....... Louby cracks security to break into GB.net, and the Team get mushy over Gerry’s giggles... Elb is missed, but like a bad penny, turns up again in time to catch the late nighters closing things down....... Eeyore hopes for Marek-dreams after being awash with Gerriness all day, the bandages are off, and Mini-Marek is back to full health after plastic surgery, and as long as his wrist isn’t over-used, he should be fine....... Elb gives Jo mini-shopping tips, and downloads the WBZ interview thanks to Jo, who is in charge of laying out breakfast for the morning crew.

Elb switches out the lights in ENGLAND and stumbles off to her pit.........

ENGLAND 116 becomes 117 - Just Another Manic Monday.....

Elb stumbles into Breakfast Club to find she’s alone, but undeterred, quickly whips herself into an early Elbmit episode because she remembers she’s going to B&G in London! Catherine isn’t yet fully functional, and fails to have an early morning Gergasm as she flunks Basic Button-Pushing....... However, she plans ahead and starts Thread 117 before departing, and Elb leaves a teeny hint that folk must fill the chatty quota in 116 first, before plunging headlong into the next...... Els is sent on a course, which fills her with something less than glee, and Jo faces a Hokey-Cokey sort of day with the next David Bailey...... Self-confessed elderly Catherine needs her afternoon nap, and admits she may have been a tad premature with the next threadstart when there is still plenty of life left in 116. Miss Hyde sends Em a Gerry-aid for her painful hand, then all career over into the new thread for elevenses: ENGLAND 117 - Just Another Manic Monday - BritTarts rush round madly booking Wulfy tickets and buying PS, I Love You....

Em blames her war wound on too much mousing, Miss Hyde has a manic Monday indeed, and finds rocks on eBay......... You can get anything on there! Euphemia’s cat teaches her some manners, and Catherine delivers the random factoid of the day by announcing that dogs use yawning as a calming signal........... Goffy too wants rocks, but finds them too heavy, and dispenses medical advice to Em, and newbie vidder Del shows the results of a boring Sunday: a Phantom vid, then talks to herself as nobody’s in....... Later, Miss Hyde has rocks on the brain and is off to see ‘The Rocky Horror Picture Show’ in September, while Catherine threatens Crosswest overload, as she is close to the magic 3000. Lady Claire joins Vidders R’Us, and Debbie G does herself a mischief after much weekend mischief with BF..... Catherine reckons it serves Debbie right, (PS, she loves Gerry as Gerry.......) Miss Hyde gets her rocks off bidding on eBay, while Euphemia is in the market for a sobbing good read, and Breila gets back from meeting Yorkie for coffee in Copenhagen!

ENGLAND get out the tissues and start reading, Catherine confirms that it WAS Gerry doing the voiceover on the Shadow Company trailer about private soldiers in Iraq, and ENGLAND smugly congratulate themselves on being right.... Gusti can’t resist, and Els reveals the Deppth of her obsession. She admits to cultivating a Blooming crush, after her huggalicious dream of the other night.......... Elb is in da house, and complains about da House music being broadcast by inconsiderate neighbours, then tells of how Noodles mistook the letterbox for a cat-flap...... Cathy buys PPS, I Love You as she can’t wait for Mum to bring her copy back, and plans on finishing with Jamie to take up with Gerry! Euphemia offers Dr ‘Harpo’ Morris to give Noodles the once-over, but bugger the cat ,(not literally!) Elb thinks he’s HOT! Goffy obliges Elb with Father Drac-Gerry, and Miss Hyde sympathises with Elb’s noisy neighbours, as she has overly vocal mutts next door, and a mother who wants a shotgun in her stocking....... (Pistol-packing Mama?) Euphemia’s solution (with disclaimer...) is to forget the dogs and shoot the neighbours. Vanessa suggests musical warfare and that Elb should load both barrells with POTO, while Gusti ponders the money-making potential of Gerry endorsements.......

Director Goffy makes another vid, and enjoys slo-mo Drac-sex which causes palpitations amongst the older members of Team ENGLAND, Breila hits 600 and doesn’t look a day over 25, and Goffy swears she has spotted Nessie again in a yellow towel........ Els malfunctions. Cathy endures hours of ‘research’ in order to benefit ENGLAND, and Jo arrives late to draw attention to the Publicity & Planning Dept of Team ENGLAND. Euphemia is in demand, and has to catch up - AGAIN, while the team agree that our Ger is all man!

Louise has lost her Sparkle and is suffering, but still summons up the energy to go Nessie-hunting, and Els is left all of a lather after being propositioned by Proposition Guy, fresh from his appearance at the Strip Poker Championships....... Em claims that Our Boy is All Man - all 10 inches, but Elb boasts that she has TWELVE inches of Marek, and has photos to prove it....... Em’s head explodes. Tina asks if size really matters, leading to a wholesome discussion on the merits of large versus not-so-large - and Mini-Marek gets a complex......... Tina is in the mood for LURVE after a Tennant-TottyFest in ‘Casanova’, while Em produces Quote of the Day regarding David Tennant as Casanova - “He puts the cheval in chevalier!” Els wants to be Elb if she ever grows up, and Elb is stunned at the idea that she might actually grow up one day........ Euphemia is unsettled, so unseats herself and goes to bed, while Catherine prepares to jump ship before Yorkie arrives and intends to make her milestone 3K posting at Breakfast Club, but is persuaded otherwise by Em, Elb and Co who coax posts out of her bit by painful bit until the WOOTing can begin in earnest..... In the meantime, Els realises she has sailed past her 3000th post without realising, owing to perving too much. ENGLAND’s ‘resident fairy’ (according to Em) receives belated WOOTs before turning in, knackered. Jo brings up the WOOTing rear for Els, and charges ahead with premature WOOTage for Catherine, all without the aid of a safety net............ She also advises Elb to keep a closer eye on Mini-Marek, as hers has a penchant for camel-fondling, while Elb’s has taken up secret smoking.........

Catherine tells Comic-Con Gerry not to be premature , which leads to all manner of smutty comments, and ENGLAND urge Catherine to victory post by post (gathering red cards along the way) until at last, she hits the 3000 mark.... The WOOTage proper begins. Catherine, after cleaning up her grammatical act, heads off to bed complete with brainache, just missing the arrival of the long-lost Yorkie who complains at the slow service (internet-wise) and describes how she met up with Breila for coffee in Copenhagen, has nosed round Norway, and is currently sailing round to Sweden with wall-to-wall food just in case they get peckish.... She warns of a verra lengthy travelogue to follow....... Her post is greeted with squeals of delight from Em, Vanessa, Jo, Goffy and Elb, who launches into a breathless barrage of answers to first mate Yorkie’s questions, including the news that Gerry will be dead good in his new role. Em reckons he’ll make a great stiff, and Cathy turns up to say hi to Yorkie and belatedly WOOT for Catherine’s 3000th... The Yorkies are off to an ice bar in Sweden next, where they will have to dress up in furs and sip chilled cocktails with similar furred-up folks...... It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it! Yorkie is delighted to hear that Elb WILL make it to London, and tells her gleefully that her VL is misbehaving himself as per instructions, but that strange men leave chocolate on her pillow every night....... Messy...... ENGLAND decide they are worth every penny (or dollar) that it is costing Yorkie to join them mid-ocean, but she signs out after three posts to conserve her time for a later date.......

Inspired by Jan’s mention of furs, Cathy posts Wulfy-Spam, and warm and fuzzy after an albeit brief encounter with mate Yorkie, Elb marvels at the technology which can make such things possible these days. Eeyore arrives late, feeling yuk, but has the day off tomorrow, it being her birthday! She and similarly voluptuous Elb chat about buying clothes off eBay, and Jo feels left out of the Tall & Buxom club, but becomes Eeyore’s personal shopper! She and Vanessa are left to put the thread to bed, and ever-vigilant and very topical Wulfy is left on guard with extra roadkill to fend off frostbite....

Fur-clad ENGLAND snores gently as the intrepid travelling Yorkie family sail on through the night towards Sweden...........

Blogger AWOL again!....

Thread 116 will be omitted, as I am still skiving.

Blogger takes time out!

I have officially declared Saturdays to be Blog-Free zones, so that I can come out and play with the Big Girls.....

Normal *snort* service will be resumed shortly.........

ENGLAND 114 - BritTarts celebrate bright sparks!

Gusti creeps in for her solitary breakfast, happy that she’s only working a half day today, and feeling much better about her work.... Euphemia gets the coffee going just in time for Elb who crawls in half-dead - early nights are bad for her.... Annoyingly perky Catherine Gergasms with her first post of the day, and high-fives Euphemia - It’s the first time for ages that the BC4 have made it to Breakfastness - albeit at different times....Catherine posts the first of many birthday tributes to Em, and Elb follows suit while suspicion over funny-tasting coffee falls on Mini-Marek.....Euphemia sympathises over fraught relations and she and Catherine make plans for a busy day doing nothing.... Four Leaf Clover (Nancy) drops in from the KT to announce that all are invited to attend the KT’s one-year anniversary party, and takes time to explain the Bostonian accent of the announcers on WBZ radio, as she herself is a native..... Catherine and Sleepless-in-Wiltshire Jo thank Nancy for her trouble and Jo smiles smugly about Elb’s malodorous coffee, while Els has a quickie and adds her greeting to Em’s pile. Eeyore sets up a birthday thread for her, Els looks forward to a Letch-a-thon over hunkalicious DVDs, and Em gets gremlins on her birthday, and a Goffy-made Tshirt with “Got Nessie?” on the back!

Del does lunch, but needs help.....Goffy speeds to the rescue, and rips ‘Dear Frankie’ apart. Vanessa joins ENGLAND from playing away in London, Em plays head honcho at work, and Catherine gets the credit for all Goffy’s hard work! Els stares dreamily at the Depp/Butler combo of Del’s sig, then posts random links of the day on the subject of the former rather than the latter...... Goffy leads Del by the virtual hand through loads of uploads, downloads .....then implodes, while Lady Claire has card trouble. At last, Del is no longer a vidding virgin, and gore-fearing Catherine points out to Gracie that ALL UK DVD players are Region 2..... She vows to watch the forthcoming blood-fest of 300 through her fingers, and Lady Claire shows signs of becoming a Paranoia Clan member by wanting a spare copy of B&G - just in case........

ENGLAND take a collective deep breath as booking opens for the one-off showing of B&G in London, and Jo starts a list of who sits where, while tardy Breila wishes Em a happy birthday, and Elb bears the first of many messages from the intrepid travelling Yorkie.... She reports back that not only is her cabin near the internet cafe on board, but that Mr Yorkie alas cannot escape his love-rival - POTO is showing in the ship’s cinema! Yorkie is a happy little traveller....... Els fears she has failed in her duties by not waving the Amazing Floating Yorkies off, but Catherine assures her that they departed from a more Northerly venue. Els’ own boating adventure begins in less than 53 days, and she tells Elb that yes, she will be suitably attired in pirate bandana..... Gracie and the rest of ENGLAND encourage Elb to tell her boss porkies so she can join ENGLAND for B&G in Finchley, but Honest Elb cannot tell a lie...

Tina pops in to check when Gerry will be teasing ENGLAND, and is joined by Sparkle who tells the Team that Blu is on the move again, and Berenise apologises via Tina for being AWOL as she is having problems with power outages...... Euphemia hedges her bets and says hello to anyone and everyone as ENGLAND tune into WBZ again for Broadcasts with Mr B. Els spots that ‘Priest’ has been delayed, suggesting that the radio ‘news’ may involve a new film, and borrows Elb’s tenterhooks until all is made clear. ENGLAND hopes for news of ‘Burns’ and Catherine dashes all hopes of a good letch by revealing that there will be NO revealing insights into ‘300’ - only boobs......Euphemia has to dash post-Wulfy, Gracie speed-reads to littl’un before Butler-time, and Tina is appalled at the lack of nudity in ‘300’. Elb issues the ubiquitous End of Thread Alert and leaves something to her fertile imagination, while Berenise is excited by Wulfiness, but upset by King Leo’s no-show ‘nads...... There’s an echo in ENGLAND, and Sparkle spends, while Lady Claire yearns for Burns.....

Elb opens “ENGLAND’s 115th Thread of Idiocy - Like the Duracell bunny, it just keeps on running”.......... but changes it to “Erudition” in deference to Sparkle who takes a dislike to the thread title, and ENGLAND are devastated to learn of ‘Priest’s hold-up.... Els suffers from bad timing and the inability to tune her internet radio in, Tina wonders if other Tarts have booked for B&G, Eeyore’s cold, and the Team kill time before Butler by chatting about the weather, then Tarts and Hons alike gather round the radio again.........At Butler time, the Man Himself announces that he’ll be filming a Swanky new rom com, much to ENGLAND’s delight and Els’ grumpy disgust.... Goffy asks someone to text Em what’s going on (Elb obliges)..... The general consensus is YAY! but there are one or two not so keen......

Elb makes the announcement that should anyone want to wrest control of threadstarting from her manic grip, then Men In White Coats should be applied in quantity, and threads hoisted while she’s thus imprisoned......

Conversation centres around ‘PS. I Love You’ for some considerable time, and ENGLAND flock off to Amazon for copies of the book, while Elb hits the roof after discovering that filming is scheduled for New York at the same time she SHOULD have been there! Lady Claire declares herself a Lazy Cow, Elb admits being an Obsessive Control-Freak, and Gusti is better late than never in wishing Em felicitations of the day.... After Elb changes the title of the thread to please Sparkle, Euphemia questions the accuracy of ‘Erudition’ and it’s a no-win situation for Elb. Cathy’s reading list gets ever longer, and Gracie is relatively disturbed whilst listening to the Butler.....Els slopes off to the cinema, leaving ENGLAND to chatter excitedly about the news of Gerry’s new role, Gusti and Finally-caught-up Barbara are online at teh same time, and Cathy reveals her disappointment in love. ENGLAND admires her bravery in taking steps to determine the way forward, and she can now move on..... Eeyore heart too has suffered long-term love damage, and she sympathises with Cathy.....

Jo, Barbara and Gracie labour under the misapprehension that Elb is in charge, but she hastily corrects their erroneous assumption....She’s not grown-up enough to be in charge.....Miss Hyde can’t cope with multi-Tarting, and retires to let her brain spin down, while Gusti issues threats to Barbara’s husband and Jo drowns in a sea of Post-Its.... Poorly Goffy heads off for the night after pimping Del’s vid, and Sparkle resorts to Hokey-Cokey posting in between Big Brother shows, while Vanessa peers at ENGLAND through an alcoholic haze from her London hotel room...... Eeyore gets Eeyore for her birthday, and Gusti tries loading her “i-pot” but gets frustrated. Marsha bowls in with a rant about being taken for granted, but gets a maid to replace her, Gracie pops in for a quickie as she’s bored, Gusti catches up after a fashion, and Elb finally gets Mini-Marek’s boots on after a spot of surgery..... Marsha explains that she won’t have to play housemaid as well as nursemaid, Eeyore eats seaweed to help her cycle and Gusti gets a medal for Staying Awake above and beyond the call of duty....... Elb promises no more mini-clotheses for Mini-Mareks......until the next time.... and Gusti tells her to slow down - a classic case of the Pot Calling the Kettle Black! Marsha is up before “The Jury” tomorrow, and she and Jo fret over Thyroidal Eeyore, while back-from-the-flicks Els apologises for being an arse earlier......

Marsha puts the thread to bed and prepares things for the Breakfast Clubbers tomorrow, and she and Late-Night Jo finally switch off the lights after a flash of red cards...........

ENGLAND sleeps............

ENGLAND 113....insert funny title....then move along to 114

Riddled with guilt at not being able to catch up , Elb trudges into Breakfast Club to find no Gusti, no Catherine and no Euphemia....... Vanessa has laid the breakfast table the night before, but someone has eaten the buns during the night..... Elb bolsters her flagging mojo with industrial strength coffee, and resolves to start afresh as from today - after she’s dealt with her sister at work......Perma-tired Catherine has a day off walkies as Parker is unfit for duty, and issues good luck vibes for Miss Hyde’s results, due out today, while Elb tacks hers on too. Her beleaguered brain refuses to divulge more than name, rank and serial number after Catherine’s enquiring mind wants to know what Elb the Gibberish was trying to say about her last night........Elb wonders whether to wash her hair, seeing as she’ll be tearing it out later at work, and Catherine concludes that she has OD’d on driving....... Marek misbehaves in Elb’s coffee cup, so she leaves him at home rather than give her sister reason to have her sectioned....... Els reckons Jack would never take the p*** like Elb-corrupted Marek, and adds her good wishes to Miss Hyde’s list, as do Em and cross-fingered Jo.... Vanessa just crosses everything. Miss Hyde gets nervous.... Jo thinks Goffy’s a clone, and Miss Hyde leaves ENGLAND on tenterhooks while she goes to collect her results........

ENGLAND bite their nails......

Gracie’s clothes fall apart, and Els’ fold-up table is in danger of collapse under the weight of her typing with fingers crossed.......Jo shows her age, and goes to wash her chainmail, while Em brings a note excusing her from thread duty later as she’s on lates...... Vanessa’s computer is on a go-slow, and Del arrives in a state of excitement over oral.....

At lunchtime, just as ENGLAND gnaw down to their metacarpals, Miss Hyde returns with the news that she didn’t get the grades she hoped for......... but her Uni of choice doesn’t mind, and lets her in! YAY! ENGLAND unleash the emoticons, and WOOTspam begins.......Del wants to become a vidder, but her computer knows its limits and thwarts her idea, Miss Hyde is frustrated by absent rellies, and Goffy and Vanessa get on their soap boxes about doorstep preaching.......Del gets gooey over a man with passion, and goes to play with Frankie, while Goffy is in three minds over which vid to tackle next...... Jo’s heartstrings get tugged by DF, while Drac refreshes parts that other roles cannot reach..... Goffy storms off to take photos (hopefully wearing rubber boots!) and Lady Claire has trouble getting hold of Wulfy..... Els posts a teeny hint that the thread may be ending shortly, but blink and you miss it. NOT! ENGLAND are deafened..... Signe makes a return, and is chuffed to be an Hon., Elb gets off her tenterhooks, (explained interestingly by Euphemia) and Berenise runs away to hide as it’s thundering up in KiddieMunster. Chocolate-stuffed Catherine fails to understand why she feels yukky, Elb is a lazy moo and demands the WBZ radio link for audio Gerry, but fires up new thread - ENGLAND 114 - BritTarts celebrate bright sparks!.... in honour of Miss Hyde’s exam success. Catherine Gergasms with Jo in her haste to post first, and Breila congratulates Miss Hyde for being Reading material, and ENGLAND for getting Wulfy into the UK.

ENGLAND gather round the radio..... and there is a chorus of disapproval as the announcer introduces “GERALD Butler.....” Gerry is on fine form, as are ENGLAND who have multiple Gergasms just listening to his dulcet tones, but the best thing about the radio station - according to Catherine - is switching it off! Sparkle is so incensed at the wrong name that she misses Gerry himself, so must catch up with the chipmunk version on the website, while bewildered Breila wonders how ENGLAND are hearing it at all..... Els is distracted by mentions of bondage with Depp, so misses it entirely, and Cathy only just makes it. Gusti comes in after a hard day at work and is confronted by babbling Tarts, but quickly gets into party spirit with the urge for Bare Beowulf...... Elb is in mischevious mood, and prompted by Goffy’s comments about “Bliss or Plug in Baby”, leaps gleefully into the Gutler and drowns in a sea of red cards, supplied helpfully by Els who has industrial stocks for her own personal use....Gracie reluctantly heads off to do her part of “Love, honour and respect” but not obey - with He Who Must Be Accompanied to Watch Films. Gusti is in better spirits, but can’t understand the Pinky & Perky version of Gerry’s interview, while Cathy, clutching her nibbles, gets Yorkie’s party under way........ Euphemia collects sewing machines - to run up a mainsail? - and Els asks for help in translating her bothersome dream.... Professor Elb obliges with her analyst’s couch........ Meanwhile, back at Yorkie’s party, Goffy wants to Get It On, Gusti is Insatiable, and Goffy goes for Sexual Healing.... Eeyore casually throws in some tongue, and everyone brings a bottle. Sparkle poops the party, Vanessa arrives late and misses the speeches, and Els thinks Elb’s analysis is freaky genius......Els should NOT be left in charge of the party music however.... Whilst waiting for the guest of honour, Cathy entertains with slides of watching paint dry........ Gusti is impressed with Prof Elb’s reasonable fees for analysis, and Yorkie FINALLY shows up after getting a good stuffing. She gets the sticky sentiment out of the way, and instructs first mate Elb to leave messages in various ports of call.......Many guests arrive to wish Yorkie ‘bon voyage’, including Berenise (Storms must be over!) and Miss Hyde (hic!) who is stuffed with steak - again! ENGLAND parties on.....down on the floor, Goffy goes breakdancing to peer up kilts, Cathy clings round Gerry’s neck, and Yorkie doesn’t fake it..... Vanessa nicks Terry’s towel, but Yorkie prefers him to come as he is...... Drinks are served - Cathy goes for a Long Slow Screw Against the Wall....... Preferably not freshly painted. Vanessa has Sex on the Beach, mixed by Goffy who no longer has Screaming Or***ms or Slippery Nipples, but only has Virgins, and Yorkie gets Between the Sheets.... Euphemia has a head-banger and she, Catherine and Miss Hyde join the ranks of the party-poopers, while Yorkie has too many o’s and not enough effs...The Butler does a ‘turn’ and gives his audience goosebumps, while Elb nips off for a bite to eat, as the party nibbles aren’t up to much....She has been variously described as a “freaky genius”, “bonkers” and “nuts” tonight, but is generally pleased with her collection of names.... Em sends her apologies, and Tina and Berenise announce a B&G raffle for London, while Yorkie makes her poetic exit and leaves ENGLAND......

Goffy moots the idea of a London B&G vid, which goes down well with the remaining members of Team ENGLAND, and semi-hysterical Elb begs Yorkie to take her with her.... Goffy, Eeyore and Jo are mortally offended, and try to bribe Mini-Marek to do worse than pee in Elb’s coffee, but sadly, he cannot oblige......Vanessa packs for her London trip with non-drinking sprog, and vows to drink and drool over Drac for both, Goffy wishes birthday girl Em an early Happy Birthday (like she’ll be up....) and Jo giggles over lemonade but leaves breakfast in professional hands. Coffee is to be kept well away from misbehaving Marek........

The party’s over, and in the after-bash debris, ENGLAND collectively snore their little heads off.........

We apologise for the loss of Wednesday.

Oh whoops.....

This was due to circumstances beyond my control, ie brain meltdown........ Normal service has now been resumed.

I thank you.

ENGLAND breaks the Da Marriott Code....

Catherine, coffee in hand, waits patiently for Elb, who is having blog trouble....... She thinks she’s lost her mojo, and Blogger.com have lost her post! Leaving ENGLAND Abridgedless, she dashes off to work, hopefully to resolve the crisis later.... Gusti pops in, on a Bank Holiday and is a very happy bunny, having just ordered B&G, while Els and constantly-behind Barbara join her for the BC late shift. Els is also a fabby happy bunny, as she has had confirmation of her holiday placement on board a tall ship, so will be playing pirates for real in October! Catherine, Vanessa and Em all drift in and Gusti and the girls vow virtual Tart Power to support Vanessa with her problem customer....... Gusti is more relaxed after a night out with a pal and a bottle of good Austrian plonk, Barbara chills too with two days off but Els wakes everyone up with an END OF THREAD ALERT!!!!.... Gusti excuses herself from threadstarting as she suddenly feels the need to prepare for tomorrow’s work, so Em springs valiantly to the rescue.... Gusti heaves a sigh of relief, Barbara conveniently heads off on holiday, and Vanessa girds her loins to do battle with the pesky plonker with an army of Virtual Tarts behind her......

Em starts off ENGLAND 112....we get the 211 backwards (We did it our way!), and Evangelia mumbles her way through a post with chronic toothache while Els forgets herself again, and Vanessa indulges in a spot of pre-work swooning. Miss Hyde’s mum (but not Miss H herself) will be jealous of Els’ life on the ocean wave, and Debbie Goddard is persuaded by Yorkie that she should test the waters in ENGLAND..... Berenise and Del do quickies for lunch, and Jo wakes Grumpy Bum from his nap, while coincidentally, Els reads about real-life zombies....Del whiles away an hour or so with ENGLAND in the internet cafe, and Els invites folk to call her a dipstick.

Els - YOU’RE A DIPSTICK!!!

Del gets on her high horse about sexist football camps, Jo’s zombie needs more coffee, and as the magic hour of 3pm approaches, ENGLAND awaits, credit cards clutched in sweaty mitts for the mass break-in to the Da Marriott Code..... Goffy finds Els’ zombie article fascinating, and takes notes, while Del saves money in the internet cafe by simply sniffing coffee and toasties......Em is doubly impressed by Gladiator Gerry, Marsha drops in to update ENGLAND on Stone’s progress, and Euphemia turns up for the Big Book-In and Nail-Chewing Fest. Marsha offers her claws for ENGLAND’s needs, and already-accommodated Em wishes ENGLAND good luck as 3pm strikes.....

First back past the post is a much-relieved Catherine, despite having to book two rooms for her and Yorkie, Elb and Els, while next proud possessor of a small piece of the Marriott is Jo, who can only sell sufficient body-parts to pay for two nights, then will move to less painful lodgings.......Grumblings arise as folk discover the cheaper room rate only applies for a few days, while most tours fall outside cheap rates..... Like Evangelia, Lady Claire also needs to visit the Tooth Fairy for restorative dentistry, and Em travels round Scotland in her head, but her navigation sucks.....LadyC is to visit Scotland in 5 weeks, and Goffy enthuses over the Highlands which Lady C hopes to visit! Catherine hopes breakfast is included at the Marriott, or else cheapskate Breakfast Club will adjourn somewhere more conducive to lightweight pockets......... Lady Grey is toothless but pain-free, and Gusti works undercover for the Scottish Tourist Board, while usually placid Berenise gets on her soapbox about the timing of room rates at the Con...... Jo gets cryptic and talks in code to Berenise, and explains the dimensions of a king-sized German! Goffy joins the STB and raves about Celtic scenery, while Catherine reports that business for the Marriott has been brisk, and Gusti gets pictorially excited about returning to Glasgow..... Miss Hyde goes solo in Scotland and will be lost in bed, and Gusti laughs her socks off at Goffy’s hat.... ENGLAND decide that winter chic is a lost cause, and go for the strange-but-cosy look, start planning a joint assault on Jo Malone’s to restock supplies of smellies, and Jo doesn’t care how Gerry smells as long as he’s wearing nothing more.... It appears that Team ENGLAND’s menfolk wear Burberry Brit unaware that they are emulating the King of Pong, but wonder why their wimminfolk get sniffy....

After earlier hassles with Blogger, Elb is now seeing double! Abridged is on BOGOF! Gusti researches burnout, and realises that she has had a lucky escape, but must take better care of herself, and Vanessa reports back that Virtual Tart Power worked, and she has banned her persistent persecutor! Elb goes Elbmit and NEEDS to know how Team ENGLAND are sorted TartCon-wise, while kick-ass Vanessa hunts for park benches in Glasgow in order to meet the BritTarts...... ENGLAND duly report back to nosey Elb regarding their billets in Glasgee, and Euphemia WOOTs for the return of absent cat, but undergoes much trial and considerable tribulation whilst trying to book her place for TartCon2.....

Cathy, while conducting vital Tart research, slo-mos B&G the better to view lumpy chainmail.......Euphemia’s eyes pop out at Hattie’s return, and she contemplates work as a Gross-a-Tart to raise Tarting About funds, and her pictures send ENGLAND fleeing and cause Elb to pebbledash her screen with her dinner. Lady Grey recognises the face pinned beneath the corpulent rear featured in Euph’s post, and Yorkie gets poetic about the Return of Hattie the Cattie and waxes lyrical over Holby, while Cathy reckons ENGLAND were justified in their mass-paranoia......Elb recommends the Crosswest Travel Agency for booking Tartabouts, and is relieved that her butt is significantly smaller than Vanessa’s mum’s bum twin......Tina goes into uber hug-mode, and Louby returns unaware that all Hotel-Hell broke loose in her absence......Euphemia’s moggy is safe from her fiendish kitchen, as there isn’t sufficient cat to the pound, and her talents are called into service once again - for domestic duties.....Lady G meets Lady W and ponders plasticash for B&G, Jo looks forward to Tartan high jinks at their hotel, and is distracted.... All is to be revealed later! Yorkie and Catherine are passing ships again, as one drops anchor as the other sets sail. Catherine fires a poetic parting shot across ENGLAND’s bows.....

I think someone should write an ode
About that bladdy hotel code
Booking the rooms was so much trouble,
Single, triple, twin or double?
I think I need a good night's rest
This Tarting lark has left me stressed!

Curious Goffy interrogates Jo over the reason for her distraction, but far from screen-capping Terry/Gerry, Jo tells her something else has ‘come up’....... Vanessa’s kids wrest back the computer, and Gracie drops by after a trip to the seaside, and tells of embarrassing dogs....... Yorkie plans to take Attila on her cruise, but he may be on a go-slow, and ENGLAND chat about falling asleep at work.......’zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz’ Gracie gets technical and is a Hip chickedy doo dah, but the rest of ENGLAND admit to being Technophobes to varying degrees! Elb is a walking ad for Apples, Cathy Bales out, and ENGLAND as per usual on a Tuesday night, gets Lost........However, Goffy can’t hold it in any longer, and partly reveals Jo’s Big News, before she arrives to splurt it herself - WE HAVE A UK SHOWING OF B&G !!!!!!!!

ENGLAND go ballistic with excitement, and get carried away with seating and travel plans, while WOOTing their heads off! Eeyore is the first of many Tarts who realise that the short notice of the London screening means that she won’t be able to go.......And she’s not the only one..........Randomly-knowledged Els gets a third at the pub quiz, and Jo chooses seats for B&G UK while Tamara thanks Jo for all her hard work on Wulfy’s behalf....ENGLAND continue bouncing for some time, buoyed up by the fantastic news about Beowulf....Elb is actively encouraged to pull a sickie, but is too honest Vanessa offers her house for the night, but most folk are only doing a flyby trip, and Yorkie takes charge of the wittering wimmin, while Elb plans to pull in a favour from her boss.....Ellie Mae is astounded at the speed of ENGLAND, but can’t be arsed to keep up, and Yorkie bludgeons Nauseous Elb and Garrulous Goffy to attend B&G (London) come what may.... The pair promise to try........An APB goes out for Euphemia, chef extraordinaire, as she has been conspicuously absent from the evening’s frivolities, and so has a nice chianti..... *slurp*

ENGLAND turn Travel Agent again and try to arrange Eeyore’s trip for her, and fail on all counts, while Goffy gets sorted and heads off to dream of lumpy chainmail. Infrequent and apologetic poster Taffy is added to the growing list of “Can’t make it”....... In the wee small hours, Jo is finally left alone with her insomnia to ponder the enormity of what she and Team ENGLAND have actually achieved.........

ENGLAND shows their age at 111... (or is that eleventy-one?)

Gusti potters into ENGLAND while all are still snoring, cracks up quietly over last nights’ posts then hops aboard her train...... Not-at-all grouchy Elb arrives next, missing her coffee as she has run out of Jus de Moo, and will have to wait till she gets to work before she wakes up....... Catherine wakes with a sore eye (and coffee) and struggles to curb her enthusiasm for wet walkies with three soggy doggies, while Elb runs out of time, and has to escape to work without finishing yesterday’s Abridged....Els too is off to sell her soul and Em drops in sans voiture to recount how she has never been so insulted as by a man last night...... Vanessa’s verdict is short and to the point. Els combusts from boredom, and multi-tarting Yorkie - who is one year old today - reassures Em that Emilies are Gerry’s favourites actresses......

The Triple-Bedded Rooms at the Marriott Crisis deepens, and Euphemia confirms there is no room at the Inn for Three-in-a-bed Tarts....... Els appeals for a roomie, Euphemia worries about a puss gone AWOL, and Jo WOOTs for Yorkie’s anniversary, sympathises with Catherine, Em and Euphemia, and point Els in the right direction to find a roomie! SooperWoo-man has landed! Em books in with Gusti and Goffy for Glasgow, and Delanie the Bard takes the floor with a marathon ode to Gerriness.....

The Laydeez Wot Lunch meet in ENGLAND: Yorkie makes a speech in which she thanks everyone for the WOOTs, admits she’s talked rubbish for 12 months, laughed and learned lots,made sooper dooper friends and makes plans to room with Gerry at the Marriott..... Em applauds her oration, and Berenise - outed by Jo - admits she’s been online looking for the Da Marriott Code....... Nicely-sated Els points out to Yorkie that Gerry is going to be shared by all in Glasgow, and Del gets confoosed. Goffy gets huggy, while terminally bored Els posts random JD links and notes with true Britishness that it looks like it may “persist it down soon”....... Em accuses Goffy of going a bit Carlotta on-a ENGLAND, and Yorkie tells Els to bring a crate of Red Bull to Glasgow to pep up Gerry’s flagging.....stamina. Del doesn’t like Mondays, but leaves the gun at home, and Els prefers to get Gerry up on Irn-Bru as Red Bull makes her hurl.... The Laydeez linger over lunch, discussing fave Gerry pictures, Miss Hyde returns to poor neglected Phanty, and Els sidetracks ENGLAND with online jigsaws........Gerry becomes a puzzle, but Del would prefer him to be a mystery, and Els refuses to chase people....

A Scottish Moose wanders into ENGLAND during the afternoon and plays tag with Del who wants to be chased, and Em, Goffy and Els welcome the newcomer to ENGLAND. Els discovers her bro has sabotaged her computer, and takes it and herself for de-lousing having lost all her bookmarks.... She is somewhat annoyed.... Lady Claire offers her cheer-up picture, and Em’s car fails to make the grade. Elb peers cautiously into the thread, wondering if it’s safe to come in, and declares herself a non-discriminating hugger! Miss Hyde hands in a sick note and excuses herself, while Em plans to shout at sexy grease-monkeys.......Cathy concludes that computer screens may be hazardous to your health, and had no such problems perched atop a ladder this week, and Catherine, fount of all useful information, announces that the Da Marriott Code will be released tomorrow at 3pm, just pipping Berenise to the post..... Emmy wuvs Goffy, Goffy wuvs Em, and Els is out of credit, so can’t tell Elb she wuvs her, even if she wanted to........Prim and proper Marriott will only allow two Tarts in a bed, and Catherine declares herself Officially Senile after forgetting to read the end of the last thread! Goffy thanks Eeyore and Jo for helping her not go gaga over the Triple-Bedded Room Crisis, Cathy WOOTs for Yorkie’s anniversary, and resurrects the tradition of Discussing the Weather, as it is suddenly bladdy freezing after the heatwave! Euphemia is all of a twitter and her bonce can’t cope with the announcements of announcements yet to come... Els can’t remember what’s supposed to happen, and Berenise too changes her plans for booking.......Catherine warns of smacked wristies if anyone discusses other hotels online until the Marriott is full, and like others, will be ready and waiting with her credit card at 3pm......Euphemia in the meantime, saved from wandering the streets, gets serious (albeit briefly) and reckons ENGLAND are a priviledge to know.... Cathy goes off for a hard ride, having neglected her trusty steed of late, and Eeyore, bundled up in fleece and slippers, has her own little singalong to Mary Poppins.....Elb discovers one advantage to hot flushes and is nice and toasty, while ENGLAND practise for the Headless Chicken Formation Dance Team...... Catherine reminds everyone that only a couple of weeks ago, the Team were all wilting from the heat and wishing for cooler weather - now they are complaining about being cold! Euphemia figures that she’ll keep longer in the cold......

Els STILL can’t remember what she should have done, but in the meantime entrusts herself to Elb’s care and thusly transfers her panic onwards - Elb blames it all on His Gorgeousness.... Em is ridiculously laid-back, Euphemia tells Vanessa’s funny farm to expect further reservations, and ENGLAND agree that Gerry is worth the worry, then chill out with Cathy’s hot chocolate......Not one to miss out on chocolate, Yorkie steams in after late-night last-minute shopping, and demands a Sailaway party for Thursday night, while Els takes a gamble on heckling nekkid poker-playing friends... Sparkle is chilled and mellow after yoga, Jo suggests ENGLAND makes a group booking at the funny farm instead of the Marriott, and finds Elbmit a friend in the shape of the Swedish chef....... Yorkie hopes he won’t be cooking on her cruise to Russia, and leaves her itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny yellow polda-dot bikini at home, mentions the C-word, and is warned by Eeyore to start running.....Miss Hyde joins the Formation Panic Team, and Elb as expected, awards non-swearing Yorkie a red card for foul language. In retaliation, Yorkie taunts her cyber-chum with a torrent of tinsel, turkey and trifle, prompting a brief explosion into Elbmititude, calmed by Mini-Marek doing yoga alongside Elb.....

Jo and Eeyore offer moral support for Vanessa’s problems with persistent pests, the funny farm fills up faster than the Marriott, and unexpected Archie gives Jo palpitations.....Goffy links to Gerry in Japan, and Yorkie heads off for much-needed beauty sleep as she wants to avoid Attila-hair in the morning! She thanks ENGLAND for their anniversary WOOTing, and makes a date for same time, same place next year. Eeyore gets excited about DABs, and Goffy puts up her new vid as an early birthday present for Em.... Eeyore sets ENGLAND up for Breakfast Club and leaves bekilted Gerry on guard, but ENGLAND just won’t lie down..... Marsha comes in and demonstrates how NOT Quiet an Admirer she is, Jo wants breakfast in bed with the buns that Eeyore laid out, and Marsha gets scolded by Eeyore and Jo for chattering with picture-perfect Vanessa after hours....

At last, silence falls over ENGLAND, broken only by the small snores of bare Mini-Marek and his bear-buddy..........

ENGLAND creaks into the 110th thread - Team ENGLAND just keeps growing.....

Refreshed by a night’s drug-induced sleep, Catherine creeps into the new thread for a quiet and lonely Breakfast Club, but has time to attempt to catch up on the THREE threads she missed whilst away for one night! Elb joins her for coffee as she toils through posts, and announces she is back on Squishing Duty, so unless ENGLAND get the verbal Trots, there SHOULD be an edition of Abridged put out on Monday morning.... Psychic Gusti makes a welcome appearance after her visit to her family home - also trying to catch up on threads, and answers Elb’s questions before she’s asked them! Elb doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going, has to teach Mini-Marek better manners and plans a mini-shopping excursion..... Vanessa joins the Breakfast Crew, and Gusti finally catches up. They and Elb discuss plans for the day, startling Catherine who gets back to discover another three pages have sprung up in her absence......Gusti once again thanks ENGLAND for their support before embarking on a calming day to contemplate her future...

Meanwhile, Elb indulges Mini-Marek’s shopping whims, and passes felicitations on to Jo’s daughter who is 16 today, while Catherine, after the temptations presented by Elb’s dollyspam, considers purchasing her own small portion of Marekness..... Tina drops by in melancholy mood due to overwork, but is slightly cheered by the thought of Marek-sized handcuffs. Els too is feeling fragile after a row with her inconsiderate sibling, and Miss Hyde comes over all funny when she overheats in the shower.....with not even a Gerry in sight to account for it! Marek spends Elb’s hard-earned cash on cute boots and Stranger jacket, planning on being the funkiest dude on the desk, while Elb frets over the health and well-being of the cyber-kids on ENGLAND’s block....... Els recovers with the aid of Coke and jaffa cakes, but complains about being well-read and may remove the ironmongery from her chest to stop further occurrences. Elb would have her frontage reduced if she could, and Jo rushes in to take time out from party preparations to fly by the thread and advise Elb on methods to make Mini-Marek’s towel posing more authentic, and where to buy handcuffs, before dashing off to be the party animal again. Els worries whether to tell her parents that bro has gone AWOL, but they ask anyway, so the problem is shared, and the wanderer returns... Eeyore dresses for winter, and Els posts Tennanty-goodness but loses her happy place....

Sparkle pops in after getting crafty, Eeyore discovers Vanessa is the opposition in footie, while Vanessa giggles in her sleep due to Tart Power invading her shop.... Miss Hyde loses track of time as she has trouble with earthquakes but doesn’t want to turn Nature off, and stressed Goffy celebrates a win for the reds...... ENGLAND get excited about PS2, but it’s all Greek to Elb who indulges in online retail therapy on Marek’s behalf.... Jo escapes from the birthday bedlam, and Vanessa watches ‘Mr & Mrs Smith’, which is like Mr & Mrs Vanessa, only without the guns... Hug-hogging Marsha for once, IS the Quiet Admirer and like Els, isn’t feeling talkative........

ENGLAND hugs....

Vanessa departs to offer comfort for a Real friend in need, and cake-baking Breila is also having a subdued Sunday, while Elb tries and fails to get enthusiastic about football or Playstation. She cheerfully pleads insanity as the reason she has spent all afternoon online seeking out new clothes for Marek, and leaves the door on the latch for the men in white coats... Poor Els is baffled by family, and Breila sympathises as she too has a mother with qualifications in Bafflement, while Miss H thanks goodness that she is the only hormonal teenager chez Hyde....... Gusti thanks her lucky bank balance for making her too skint to buy a Marek, while Eeyore and Jo sympathise with the Pointless Folding-Ironing-Before-It’s-Ironed Palaver that MummyEls has inflicted upon her daughter. Teaching assistant Jo admits she likes nothing better than to come home after a days’ kiddie-coping, and indulge herself with some mindless cyber-violence, while Breila gets a head massage from Signe to relax..... Euphemia discovers that Pugs don’t look Pretty in Pink - especially fuchsia - and Gusti enters the To Iron or Not To Iron debate with a resounding and crumpled NO! Jo confesses to dressing Britannia in disguise to save her own blushes, Marsha thinks Mini-Marek should become the Team mascot , and Lady Grey makes her first appearance in a LONG time! ENGLAND complain gently about fussy and nagging Mums, and Elb gets snowed under by the avalanche of posts which sneak up on her as she types...... She posts a multitude of emoticons to cover all eventualities, one of which comes in handy when Catherine posts up the Wulfiness on a T-shirt that she has printed.... Els decides that films are like buses, and can’t make up her mind - or eyes - which bus to watch......Sick woo-man Catherine confesses to loving ironing, so Jo volunteers her for the ENGLAND laundry, while Cathy, now deladdered and clean of paint, posts a link to her new vid....

Euphemia, now most Photobucketly proficient, opens Chez Euphemia and offers up such delicacies as Roast Snake on a bed of fresh greens, and Testicles a la Maison.... Excitable carrots are an outstanding success, but Tina, Eeyore and Goffy give Euphemia’s eaterie a miss...Elb announces she’s a SLOB and agrees with Els that domestic chores are pointless, as things only get dirty/wrinkled/dusty again.... Gusti and Tina join forces with the SLOBS, but Marsha admits that she too loves ironing, but is pressed for time......... Euphemia thinks that SLOBS Secretly Like Ogling Butler, but Elb reveals that it really means Slovenly Lard-arse Overindulges on Butler.... Eeyore still wants to be a SLOB, Marsha wakes up cuddly or horny, and Breila passes round her freshly-made chocolate cake to SLOBS and non-SLOBS alike.... Els chooses nasty Deppness for her bedtime viewing, but only until his icky eyes fall out. So much for Marsha not being talkative - she rabbits incessantly until her computer has enough and drops the connection! Jackie finds out curious things about Marsha by reading ENGLAND, and Cathy’s new vid goes down a storm with the Team, making far better bedtime viewing than Els’ film of icky Deppness, as all eyes stay in heads where they belong.....

Elb has further fun with her favourite few inches of plastic, and Sparkle suggests obviously-idle Elb does a photo-montage of Mini-Marek’s exploits, an idea that is encouraged by Els and discounted promptly by ever-so-busy Elb.....Vanessa returns soggy-shouldered after comforting her friend, to find uncensored vegetables in ENGLAND, Marsha and Elb are left out of the vid-loop as Cathy’s new vid has reached maximum download, and Jo concentrates hard while screencapping THAT scene in TR2... Elb asks her if she has a Lara Croft doll, as her Mini-Marek fancies re-enacting the passion in plastic, but he is sadly disappointed and sulks.... Els offers to send Jack over for male-bonding, and Goffy gets excited while reviewing the Terry-tumbling scene and something crops up - or so she thinks..... ENGLAND is agog. Marek squishes his b*****ks into an undersized chair while Elb squishes the b*****ks of the thread into an oversized blog, and giddy Lady Grey charges up and down the motorway....... Eeyore multi-tarts, Em gets assaulted, insulted and wet, but is otherwise just dandy..... Elb has a cunning plan, and suggests that Dragon (who make Mini-Mareks) might make multiple Gerry-heads for Marek. Business manager Els advises her to get a cut of the profits, Eeyore doesn’t like the idea of decapitating Marek and Em stifles her comments about multiple heads...... Elb says that Marek’s got a biggun, and the Mini-Man smirks. Vanessa takes her leaning tower of laundry to Catherine Twankey’s, and drags her Bay City Rollers gear out of mothballs, while Eeyore makes the startling announcement that Tarts can’t triple up at the Marriott as planned! Ellie Mae pops in at the last minute, as does agony Auntie Jan, wanting to know what the lowdown is...... Elb berates her Yorkshire chumlet for being out late on a school night, then issues an End of Thread Alert along with a Buck-Passing baton as she’s up to her ears in Abridging! Jo accepts the challenge, and prompted by Elb’s multiple- bonced Marek idea, Yorkie ponders spinning-headed dollies in pre-Exorcist days when she was but a Lass.......

Jo launches ENGLAND shows their age at 111... (or is that eleventy-one?) with Gerry wondering if he’s about to lose his head...... Goffy, Jo and Vanessa join Yorkie in a quick singalong of “Jake the Peg” while contemplating Gerry’s middle leg, diddle iddle iddle dum....... and swallow-dive spectacularly into the Gutler for late-night swimming practice. Wet and tired and not a little wrinkled, ENGLAND dries up, turns in and drifts off, leaving Jo to lock the doors for the night..........