England 64 - going on 65.........

New Hon. BritTart-in-Training Lady Claire is first in for breakfast, although strictly speaking, it’s not breakfast for her, but almost 10pm the previous night..... Despite being allergic, she asks for advice on what make of dog to buy for her children, but Gusti who is next to arrive, can’t oblige, as she has no pets, only lots of shoes.... She denies Elb’s accusations of having a foot fetish however! Elb meanwhile, has been struggling to fulfil the doctor’s request for a sample, gives far too much information and refuses ever to make gravy in a Certain Jug again.............. She also passes a stream of unintentional wee puns.... Catherine has been shovelling sh** at 4am, thanks to Parker who is still unwell, and dispenses good advice to Elb who is also under the weather, but manages to keep her insides inside.......... Lady Claire - still in ENGLAND despite the dodgy subject matter, finally manages to post a pic of herself so we can see who we’re talking to. After a lesson in time differences and picture posting, Lady Claire goes to bed and after Catherine starts the new thread for the day, ENGLAND goes to work...Del, Goffy and Jo step in to help finish off the old thread.

Then onto.....England hits 65 - another milestone in our rapidly ageing thread!

Miss Hyde pops in for elevenses to sympathise with Elb’s gravy jug dilemma, joined by Gracie, who also proffers advice to Elb’s kidneys. She also points out that it is but 17 days until the infamous London Tart Gathering.....Jo and Euphemia jump on the bandwagon to dispense more appreciated advice to Elb, and Euphemia thanks ENGLAND for chatting to Misu last night. Morris is also starting to recover from his illness.....

After the plethora of morning postings, ENGLAND is quiet until much later when Loubylou shows up for afternoon tea. The Twinphans make a rare but welcome reappearance and issue hugs to all. Barbs reports that she is to travel alone to Egypt to visit her daughter and new son-in-law, and is very nervous about the journey. Twins are the theme of the afternoon as Perv Twins Goffy and Em show up to keep Louby (who has twin daughters) company. Talk turns to bugs, and Jo finds a beetle is the best way to assure a hasty exit from a bath......Goffy has the screaming heebie-jeebies over any sort of bug and Louby blames global warming for bigger and uglier BritBugs. Miss Hyde has wasps, Em reckons Goffy is a permanent screaming loon, and Goffy has also been playing with Fireworks...........Elb arrives home and is touched by all the good wishes, and introduces her kidneys, Ronnie & Reggie to ENGLAND.

ENGLAND exchange dubious looks.

Moving swiftly on, the conversation reverts to bugs again, and ENGLAND cringes as one with tales of huge spiders, flying insects and bats. Goffy and Elb enthuse over a mutual love for dancing cockroaches while Catherine fondly remembers some by name......... Em keeps dead tarantulas in the fridge at work, Jo hates things that fly and talks of mega-slugs from Germany. Elb finally remembers to pass on Yorkie’s apologies for her absence, but whinges that she always leaves ENGLAND home alone.... Jo agrees with Elb that skidding on slugs is verra disturbing, particularly when wearing slippers, but Cathy avoids the slug problem altogether by putting her garden down to shingle. Tina pipes up that her pet hate is wasps - but slugs are a close runner-up, and Elb despairs that ENGLAND - herself included - are such a bunch of wimps when it comes to creepy-crawlies.

Catherine is a Grumpy Old Woo-man but redeems herself by offering to be ENGLAND’s chief Pest Control Officer ; however, she retires to bed before anyone can call on her services.....Just as well, because cheeky young Miss Hyde takes the mickey out of the more mature members of ENGLAND.... Elb puts down her Sanatogen and shakes her walking stick at Miss H. While Sparkle joins the “Joe’s Apartment” Appreciation Society, Gusti plonks down after a hard day, but leaps up again in alarm at tonight’s subject matter. She doesn’t stay long as she is tired once more, and has a job interview tomorrow.... As one BritTart exits, another enters and Euphemia sits in session. She has Morris and friend under close watch as there is cat flu about. Morris and co have the birds under their beady eyes, as there is bird flu about......Misu has the Cartoon Network under observation........

By the time Elb comes back to the thread after trying to simultaneously blog and read, she finds that most of ENGLAND have called it quits, so taking advantage of the peace and quiet, she sneaks out of the thread early on medical grounds......

England 64 - Will you still need us, will you still feed us? Now we’re 64....

Catherine is up early with a still-poorly pooch and puts the kettle on for ENGLAND. She is greeted with Yorkie’s new siggy which was hoisted up late last night after all but Elb had gone to bed...Like the proverbial bad penny, Elb appears, apologises for rambling in Abridged, and promptly disappears off to the KT to show off her new siggy... Catching up from last night, Jomar says that she too is full of useless trivia, and later on, Loubylou creeps in, and decides to try and come to the get-together.

Em sleeps late, and plays with fireworks.....Goffy joins her, and Louby’s back , but has to hide dodgy vids from the kids....Catherine meanwhile, is stroppy because the judge at Crufts is Anti-Parker, but Sparkle is excited because she will be doing lots of Tarting About in the next couple of weeks! Both Elb’s and Yorkie’s new sigs meet with approval...
YAY!!!!! Gusti is back from her holidays, having had a wonderful time but has missed ENGLAND....... Catherine is lonely now she has despatched Jamie back to Elb...

Lady Claire returns to continue her education as an Honorary BritTart and reveals she has met Diana Gabaldon, who is currently writing another Jamie saga. Miss Hyde has a dodgy lughole after her piercing goes iffy, and Euphemia’s curry-eating cat has a poorly tum (wonder why?) and the C-word (Christmas) is mentioned. Gracie suggests Catherine should spike the judge’s tea and Euphemia advises Gracie to take a rest! Gusti is touched at being missed, but keeps getting interrupted by her phone... and Elb arrives home, delighted to see fellow Breakfast Clubber Gusti back, and is still over the moon with her new siggy.

ENGLAND waits to hear what Gusti has been up to on her holiday, so she turns the phone off, lights a cigarette and sits back for questions......but everyone is sidetracked by pet-spamming as ENGLAND show off ther pet pics - Catherine’s elegant Parker & Tam, Goffy’s bat-eared bonsai’d Tessie, and Elb’s Noodles.......... Everyone wants to cuddle Goffy’s cute little dog, but has to use their imaginations as Gracie can’t post a pic of her Boxer, and Tina’s not allowed pets in her rental. Cathy duly compliments the petspam, and posts a picture of an ex-dog, a Dog That Has Ceased To Be, while Elb gets on ENGLAND’s wick by being infuriatingly thrilled every time her new siggy appears...Em reappears, also loving Goffy’s wee doglet and Chilli, and finally, Gusti tells her story......wheels in the cellar, late arrivals, Thai massage, great food, beautiful scenery...... and men who get on her nerves....

Speaking of which, after a joking comment from Gracie, Elb decides she’s not speaking, and uses icons instead........ (also in jest.......) Del responds to Em’s plea for guidance by posting a Do’s & Don’ts vid of Playing with Fireworks... Poor Gusti cannot recognise who is posting, as most of ENGLAND have got new siggies while she was away! Gracie and Tina sneak off to watch Big Brother whilst Gusti regales ENGLAND with tales of shoe heaven, lizardskin shoes - sorry - lizards IN shoes, and pedicures! Spot the wooman with a foot fetish......

Del looks forward to her third encounter with Jamie, and Goffy tries to get Elb to speak, but she continues the silent treatment with various smilies........... even when talk turns to Gerry doing a shower scene... Catherine cooks rice for the still-poorly Parker, but unlike Euphemia, refrains from giving him curry to go with it.... Yorkie arrives late as usual, and covers most of the evening’s conversation in seven lines....ENGLAND is frustrated after all the talk of shower scenes, and cold with it, deciding they need a nice warm Jamie to take the chill off. Euphemia uses her nipples as a barometer, which causes Del to spit juice everywhere, and Em wears caveman boots to keep warm. Eventually, Elb runs out of icons, and has to speak again to announce it’s HER turn to feel under the weather this week.... ENGLAND gets a fix of Josh Holloway by getting Lost, Goffy inadvertently pimps a Pap vid, and Euphemia’s son Misu hijack’s her computer. ENGLAND immediately behave themselves as a youngster is present.......After a brief but very polite exchange between Misu and Tarts, Euphemia regains control of her PC and mother and child depart for bed. Miss Hyde too is bedward bound, after having her ear bent and poked by her mother.

Post-Lost, ENGLAND empties fast and Elb cracks on with this blog as Yorkie, Goffy, then Em say goodnight. After a bit of judicious editing, Elb blows out the candle and heads off to bed with the cat..................

England 63 - Bank Holiday boredom.....

Catherine is first up and tiptoes around Breakfast Club so as not to wake those who are having a lie-in. Not so Elb, who bounces in shouting, full of the joys and already hooked up to her coffee IV....

Bank Holiday Monday appears to be a day of domesticity for ENGLAND, as most folk are using the holiday to catch up on chores. Catherine has made a feature of her ironing, (Parts Un et Deux...) Berenise listens to her laundry calling, and Elb throws her knickers in the bath again. Tina is being lazy as befits a Bank Holiday, but is bored.....Berenise turns film critic and pimps the new Bond movie, and POTC, featuring (as Tina says) Captain Jack - Everyone's favourite Pirate - the very droolworthy Depp! Gracie wants to see the remake of the Poseidon Adventure, and the Omen, but fears a mass curse, as it is released on the 6th of June - 06/06/06......Miss Hyde won’t even dip her toes into the PA, as she is afraid of water....although she’ll risk it for POTC. Gracie suggests a lifejacket....Euphemia has also taken part in ENGLAND’s ChoreFest, but most of her domestic appliances have seemingly rebelled against her. Miss Hyde admits being a wimp, and Jamie leaves Catherine breathless ...

Jomar attends the unofficial launch of the Brunch Club, but complains that ENGLAND get up too early, then Gracie congratulates Catherine on losing a Jack Russell, calls Euphemia by the wrong name and mixes her American chocolate bars with her Panto characters! ENGLAND gripe about the poor quality of clothes and shoes these days, while Tina makes sausage sarnies for all. (Brown sauce on mine please Tina...) Catherine and Sophie join in the Quality Assessment debate, and Elb reverts from being a Domestic Goddess to her customary role of Uber-Nerd. Yorkie takes the p*** and calls a halt to the watery talk, as she is shortly to take a mini-cruise....

Little Miss (Jackie) from the States pops over to bemoan the loss of Elb’s DroolPit avvy but Elb explains that her new one is to help promote the B&G petition... Yorkie launches the “Where’s-Yorkie-Tarting-Off-to-Next?” game, but it is interrupted when Catherine spots Gerry on telly and nearly has heart failure. Yorkie packs the removal van for ENGLAND’s next move, and Elb rustles up a new thread in time for a late lunch.....

“Will You Still Need Us, Will You Still Feed Us? Now We’re 64!” is the rather obvious title, but Yorkie, Catherine and Elb (AKA the Paranoia Triplets) all came up with more or less the same! Elb’s brain goes for a wander regarding Jan’s upcoming trip, and comes up with camp Vikings in Paris.....Miss Hyde meanwhile, shoots into the new thread from work to have a chuckle and Yorkie unfairly blames Elb for her own choccie weakness but pops out to get sweeties for all. Tina has got the blues as it’s raining in the Midlands, and she can’t put a Gerry film on, and Elb makes politically incorrect jokes about Mincing Vikings and Tootie Frooties..... Gracie tries to cheer Tina up with Drac, and suggests that maybe Yorkie is going for a cruise on a Viking longship....ENGLAND chat so much about confectionery that dentists everywhere rub their hands in glee, and cavities appear without a sweetie passing anyone’s lips!

As Jan whips off to the gym to work off the cake she’s eaten, ENGLAND swiftly discounts any idea of BritTarts running in the London Marathon for charity. Tina takes control of the remote, and Goffy shows off her tattoos in extreme close-up! She relieves the tedium of a boring day by posting a Gerrypic also in extreme close-up! ENGLAND drools.... If only Drooling was a sponsored event....... Del admits to watching the Sound of Music, and it isn’t even Christmas! Em pops up in a cloud of smoke as soon as Elb queries her whereabouts, and explains her absence as she has been painting children by the hundreds. The RSPCC are informed....

Euphemia gleefully waves hubby off to work the night shift, after being in enforced slavery all day...and another US Tart arrives to join the ENGLAND insanity: Lady Claire, AKA Denice, who apparently is Tina’s twin. She is engulfed into the asylum immediately. Catherine apologises in advance for any incoherence later due to over-imbibing, and Elb is rude to Euphemia, but fails to apologise, as she has yet to imbibe. She later rectifies both situations.... Goffy thinks she has killed the thread as all is quiet, until Del posts up the siggy she has been working on to Elb’s exacting specifications....Elb, after trial and error, gets the siggy up, and turns virtual cartwheels around ENGLAND! Miss Hyde is allowed to come out to play, as she has completed two modules this afternoon, and Delanie posts more pictures and poetry, then a pressie for Elb in the form of a Hamster astride Horsepower. Everyone wonders why Elb is not Hamsterwatching..............

Catherine, Del and Berenise look forward to GV on ER, Tina and Goffy are waiting for Hollyoaks to explode, and Elb is still cartwheeling... Cathy has Done It Herself, and done herself in, but blames it on everyone but the right person. Miss Hyde announces she doesn’t do soap.....ENGLAND takes a step back.

Talk turns back to telly, and Berenise would rather leave Phil Mitchell and take Grunt, and along with Goffy, misses Nigel ‘Pretty boy’ Harman from ‘Stenders. Catherine has to play vet to a puking Parker, and Tina and Del both depart hastily.......... Cathy admires Elb’s new siggy, but would rather augment it with squirty cream, and Berenise takes it as a cue to go iron her hair. When Yorkie turns up, she threatens to start a Proper Debate by discussing Dan Brown’s theories, but Elb pompously puts paid to that, and they chat about computer games instead. Far less contentious. Up pop Little Em, Goffy and Euphemia to contribute with chatter about games and drunken barbeque assembly until Elb makes the mistake of mentioning cheese.....Cathy and Elb get on their soapboxes about GTA, and it appears the Grumpy Old Women are in for a session......Jessey makes a welcome interruption into the grumpiness - her computer has gone kaput and she is using one from the dark ages to make contact.....Disturbed by the strange noises it is emitting, Jessey signs off, and Elb is left alone to close ENGLAND down for the night.....

England 63 - Bank Holiday blathering...

Catherine debates her sanity as she attends Breakfast Club alone at the customary ungodly hour when in fact, she has no need to get up at such an obscene time. An hour later, Delanie joins her for breakfast, bringing porridge which ungrateful Catherine spurns for coffee and buns....(but WHOSE buns??) Tina arrives for the prolonged BC much later, and brings Mum. Weather report: sunny!

Elb surfaces after missing Breakfast Club, but has caught up on some much-needed sleep. It has done nothing to restore her sanity, as she starts singing songs from the 60’s.... to herself. To stop the caterwauling, Catherine and Jomar pitch up, Jo in shock from her daughter tidying her room, and Catherine hungry after mountain-climbing with dogs....Elb changes her avvy in honour of the B&G campaign, and awaits the unveiling of her new siggy, from the Delanie-factory. Catherine wants to finish Cross Stitch, but doesn’t want to be Jamie-less when she goes away later in the week.... Elb - who has neglected Jamie recently - cannot pass him over in time, and inflicts severe punishment upon her own person in the absence of a spanker....

Sparkle informs ENGLAND that Empire movie magazine is beginning to take notice of Gerry! Jomar and Elb have joined the Empire forums and Jo has had success already in pimping the petition. Sparkle heads off for a family dinner and ENGLAND finds better things to do on a Bank Holiday, except for Gracie and Elb who chat about cosmetic surgery; both have surplus boobage to give away... Miss Hyde and Jomar opt for liposuction, and Jo begs Miss Hyde to pimp the petition on her LiveJournal. Sophie flits in and out and Em returns from a busy day at work watching spider monkeys (awww - cute!) She wants tattooed eyebrows and plastic boobs, Goffy wants boobs, teeth and bum... Catherine pops in with treats for the girls, and conversation turns to Red Death Phantom’s trouser bulges....suggesting where he may have secreted the music score.

Elb returns after doing half a job in the kitchen, and has filled her car with rubbish instead of the dustbin. Gracie is chilly, probably because Els leaves the door open when she dashes through ENGLAND en route from gig to pub, and Catherine also drifts through as the water runs out of her bath and through the thread.....Jemstone speaks in tongues, but roughly translated, is asking after Goffy’s health. Miss Hyde’s head hurts, and Elb believes the cause is an overdose of Boosh. She recommends a goodly measure of Butler instead to rectify the situation.... Tina waddles into the thread, having been well-stuffed, which reminds Elb that she hasn’t eaten today...she goes off to do just that, and to lust after cute rodents on Top Gear. Meanwhile, Euphemia’s daughter is to come to the London meet, Goffy shows Tina a tongue sandwich and talks about enormous pen***s again - this time belonging to Ewan McGregor who is on Top Gear, and Jo raves about The Hamster’s eyebrows...Everyone bids goodnight to Catherine, who is off to bed with one Scot, and to Tina, who is just being plain greedy with two!

Elb takes roll call: only she, Goffy and Euphemia appear to have survived the evening.....but Miss Hyde and Jomar both creep briefly out of the shadows at the sound of smutty comments. Yorkie sends her apologies, as a family emergency has arisen, and she is needed elsewhere. As ENGLAND is so quiet, Elb decides to call it a night, and retreats to her bed accompanied by a tall, handsome Scot.

And leaves the light on.......

England 63 - or 36? Gerry's back to front....

Elb crawls into Breakfast Club, gagging for caffeine and exhausted even before her working day starts. Catherine is up and ready for the Dog Show despite the foul weather. Parker is not looking forward to poncing about in his trouser suit....Elb has sprung a leak, and has to apologise to the cat......Del manages to make Breakfast Club, and announces breakfast is served in Asda....Tina provides goodies for Elb in the form of Tennant picspam, and promptly loses the plot, but the pics are appreciated by Miss Hyde and Em, who makes her longest post to date in defence of older mums. Well done Em!

Sophie joins in the discussion, but is off out on the razz in Oz while ENGLAND eats breakfast. Els blows her wages on a pirate groupie jacket, and Sparkle celebrates the acquisition of a spare tyre and signing the B&G petition. The older Mothers debate continues sporadically, and Goffy adds her opinion, signs the B&G petition too, then passes it on.....Els posts a pic of her new jacket and has a bit of a boogie, but Goffy is lonely in the thread and worries about her personal hygiene. Em joins her a while later to reassure her that she doesn’t smell, and Em goes on to demonstrate why being drunk and online is NOT a good idea, as her sexuality is now in question.... ENGLAND comes back after the Doctor Who-fest, and Miss Hyde agrees with Elb that David Tennant only improves with further acquaintance.... Elb meanwhile is frantically hoovering up the DT pics that Tina left for her and storing them in her Photobucket. The Tennant fan club gathers pace, and the general consensus is that he is ENGLAND’s second favourite Glaswegian. Catherine makes it back in time to join Elb in Anatomy Class on the KT, and while they are away, Gracie pops in pre-Indian to add her vote for DT and her signature to the petition. Yorkie and Goffy are the only dissenting votes against David Tennant, and duck a hail of cushions. Delanie reappears with some new siggies, Yorkie’s been shopping for posh frocks and ENGLAND have a cream tea...

Catherine gives Yorkie a lesson in dog judging, but then Sparkle mentions the Soccer Aid Celebs/professionals footie match which is on, and ENGLAND wonder if Gerry would play in a repeat performance? This leads Yorkie to accuse Elb of watching it for bums and thighs - to which Elb cheerfully agrees, and posts thighs and bottom shots to denote exactly WHOSE butt she wants to watch..... Her treat for the weekend is to catch up on some sleep, Catherine is going dog-walking (just for a change!) and a spot of doggy-bonsai, and Els is tooting her flute, drinking, tooting her flute, drinking....and repeating the cycle as many times as she can before returning to work on Wednesday! This is to spite the Navy for refusing to have her in their club on grounds of Eye Discrimination. Yorkie and Els both sign up for the Elb Fanclub, and Elb jumps ship early as she is seeing double and can’t count how many cheeks the blue boxers contain.....

Els follows suit in order to get her daily Boosh dose for fear of losing her insanity, and there is a rush of departing Tarts, with Yorkie and Miss Hyde (who has been watching a youthful Alan Rickman) next to climb aboard the Sleepytime Express.... Jomar lobs a final comment in for Els about eye surgery, obviously not spotting that she has gone... and finally, ENGLAND sleeps.....

England 62 - What? The same thread two days running?

Euphemia opens up ENGLAND with breakfast, a weather report and a dream about having another baby....Catherine also reports “Wet & windy” in Devon, but Elb offers better news of “Overcast”..... Weather bulletins out of the way, Elb demands to see a pic of Catherine’s dog wearing his trouser suit, but has to leave before it appears... (Elb has a laugh over it later at work, where she has secretly sneaked online...) Jo from Oz also joins in the ridicule of poor Parker, then ENGLAND is quiet until Del’s lunchtime arrival with Em, who has been to the gym again. Del craves naan bread for some reason......New arrival Jemstone123 makes Goffy and Em jealous, as she’s off to see X-Men 3 tonight, and they indulge in an anticipatory drool over Wolverine...Goffy however, is in bed with Sinusitis - but Miss Hyde plays Nurse with Gerry-assisted healthcare advice....Catherine has posted a pic of Gerry as Dracula on a doggy website, and expects the men in white coats to be despatched for her soon.

Elb arrives home in silly mood, which can only get worse, as she is armed with a purely medicinal bottle of red wine. Berenise wishes she hadn’t asked, as Elb launches into an explanation of how to shampoo eyelashes (she has an eye infection), then asks Catherine how Parker answers a call of nature while wearing his suit.... Em advises Goffy to make like a bat to relieve the pain in her sinuses, and Cathy has been StairMaster-ing at work, only without the StairMaster... Catherine points out that Parker’s suit is Ezy-Access for bodily functions. She also says he wears a bodystocking to prevent his hair standing up. Elb considers reporting her to the RSPCA for humiliating her dog.....

Euphemia STILL ain’t got no satisfaction regarding handbags, Em happily hangs upside down and Goffy doesn’t, for fear her head will explode! Em proves Goffy’s fears, as her head hurts with trying to figure out what the hell Elb is on about.... Sparkle gets a puncture from a loose screw and blames it on ENGLAND, and Elb is drunk in charge of an online shopping cart... Meanwhile, Catherine further humiliates poor Parker by posting a picture of him in his hairnet...

Berenise gives the heads-up to the B&G in the UK thread, as Jomar has drafted a petition for approval. Tina looks forward to the weekend filled with Gerry, Jamie and Dr Who, and Elb flings Dr Butler and Peigi’s Anatomy classes on the KT into the equation. Cathy promptly enlists for classes....Yorkie returns after being MIA for a day, but cheats and catches up by reading Abridged instead of going the long way round. Hubby meanwhile, is snorkelling his way round their garden in the dark, trying to put stripes on the submerged lawn....Els arrives home from the cinema after watching X-Men 3, and hunts Wolverines for her SmutBucket...Sparkle has been thread-hopping all evening and Del and Cathy pop in to say goodnight. Jan points us in the direction of Jonathan Ross, who has none other than Huge ‘Hunky’ Ackman on his show tonight, and Els immediately sets up camp in front of her TV, drool bucket at the ready. Eeyore celebrates leaving her much-hated job, and Blu stops in briefly to say that she’d rather work with animals rather than people. Marsha risks life and limb - and computer - by posting throughout a storm! Elb wants to become a hippie in California, and Jan starts thread 63............

Marsha begins with a contentious issue about elderly motherhood, but ENGLAND is fast running out of steam - and members - to participate. Elb and Els have been sidetracked by Hugh Jackman on Wossy, and by the time they return, it’s nearly time for bed. The online petition to bring B&G to mainland UK is now live, and the remaining BritTarts rush off to be the first to sign...........

ENGLAND 62 - Keeping our minds well & truly in the Gutler...

Laura begins a new thread late on Wednesday night, riding the landslide of pic-smut down once more to the darkness of the Gutler Mine, down once more to the playground of our minds .......... then she and Delanie sneak past Elb and off to bed. ENGLAND is peaceful until Gusti creeps in during the wee small hours before she leaves late for her break in Slovenia. And nobody is up to wave goodbye.....

Elb and Catherine follow the usual Breakfast Club routine with a weather report and catching up from yesterday. Catherine also mentions that there is to be a rock concert the day of our POTO trip, so London will be heaving! Elb gives the head-up to a posting by Admin about illicit DVDs, but naturally no-one in ENGLAND would be party to such dealings. *cough*.

Sophie slips in, aghast at yet another thread, as is fellow OzTart Jo. Miss Hyde swings by, as does Euphemia with her son Misu - obviously a chap with taste, as he likes Gerry-films. Delanie surfaces after lunch, having had a late night with a Certain Someone... Marsha has her own Breakfast in America at our lunchtime, and test-drives her Photobucket with a glamour shot of herself, then succeeds in doing a link for the first time! Em throws a wobbly when she finds a new thread, and Delanie threatens to spill the beans about how ER ends, much to Em’s consternation!

Elb returns from work, relieved that today’s thread is off to a quiet start, and she begins feeding ENGLAND’s early posts into the Trash Compactor.... Gracie salsas sockless with Gerry, and Delanie searches for Sawyer pics, prompting another deluge of non-Gerry images which eats up bandwidth like no tomorrow! Ooops. Sawyers, Lukas and Mr Darcys are tossed willy-nilly into the thread, but Goffy - still slightly poo - saves the day by resolutely supporting our boy Butler. Del posts a pic of an actor friend, and Elb gets the hots for Miss Hyde’s Luka-like uncle despite not actually seeing him.....Tonight’s Glasgow weather bulletin is sunny, and Del begins fluffy-white-shirt-wars while Sparkle practises fly-by posting. Em tries to compile her top ten hotties, but only manages 8. Tinker3bell joins in the madness from the States, and is welcomed to ENGLAND with a rummage through Del’s Photobucket.

ENGLAND gets through men like nobody’s business....Mel, David, Sean and co are casually tossed aside like flotsam and Cathy arrives as Archie Brown wins the open shirt contest. It’s all too much for Tink’s dial-up and she is temporarily hurled back into the Real World. Top Ten lists are compiled, but rapidly exceed the Hunk Quota as more hunks (and I use the term loosely...) are added. Elb despairs of ever getting dinner, as the interwebly wires hum with the proliferation of ENGLAND’s hunkfest....Delanie feels sick watching liposuction, while Catherine wants to barf at the appearance of Grant Mitchell in Em’s list.... Elb just feels sick with hunger, but is welded to her keyboard, trying to blog apace with the thread.....

Finally, normal service is resumed, and Gerry is reinstated as King StudMuffin.... Elb, relieved, lifts her scorched fingers from the smoking remains of her keyboard and goes in search of food. She returns to find ENGLAND have deserted their posts, and only Eeyore, Catherine and Cathy remain, until Cathy ups and leaves to celebrate the return of her prodigal son... Catherine posts a pic of a dog in a trouser suit which causes some of Elb’s dinner to make an unscheduled appearance on her desk.... Then she too seemingly abandons ship.

Adrift in ENGLAND, Elb toys with the idea of going to bed early, but Blu does another hit-and-run, and Catherine resurfaces with a link for Blu before sinking once more into the depths of “Cross Stitch”. Em pitches up again with Attila-spam, followed by Eeyore, who is nervous about starting her new job, and finally Goffy, who can’t sleep. Doc Elb dispenses remedies and advice to all.... Marsha decides to tell ENGLAND a bedtime story, but Elb leaves them to it and decamps to bed.Marsha tells of meeting a fellow Tart for coffee - none other than Maryp who was at Glasgow with some of us ENGLANDERS! Whilst Goffy and Em finally retire, Marsha reassures Eeyore about her new job, and puts ENGLAND to bed.....

ENGLAND 61 - LXI Lip-smacking Xissing (we wish!)

Ever Helpful Catherine is first up, followed swiftly by Heavy-Eyed Gusti and Elb the Tactless, and they take it in turns to grouse about the weather. Elb waves the white flag after reading that Eeyore has taken offence at her tongue-in-cheek jibe at the Welsh in Monday’s Abridged, but Eeyore will have the last laugh at Elb’s expense later on..... Blu the Flatulent breezes in, followed by a wondrous Sparkle. Delanie gets ready to brave the elements, but not before she sneaks a few more pages with Jamie 2 in the bookstore! Laura slips in from college, and Em staggers in from overdoing it at the gym.

Later in the afternoon, Gracie has been enjoying quality time with her sprog, and spots a strange glowing orb in the sky. She discusses definitions of fat versus curvy with Em, until Goffy - still poo - arrives to pimp Evil Ducky’s “Enormous ...” vid again. Is she on commission? Em’s cat meanwhile, climbs into a tube of Pringles. Miss Hyde has also seen Gracie’s Unidentified Hovering Object, and is curious to see the Object of Enormous Proportions...from a strictly artistic point of view, naturally. Em is on POTC overload, with a poster of Jack Sparrow to drool over. Catherine has finally consummated her relationship with Jamie, and thus fortified, wheezes off to Asthma Clinic.

Goffy quotes from Diana Gabaldon’s website that the author envisages Jamie as a Gerard Butler/Jason Flemyng hybrid, if ever a movie were to be released! ENGLAND wonders if she is a lurker on GB.net....

Gracie asks: What would you do if you won the Lottery? Del would buy a cottage in the Highlands and settle bills, Goffy would set up an animal sanctuary also in Scotland, and Gracie wants to travel but settle in Italy. Em launches into flights of fancy about plastic surgery and pirate ships......

There is much excitement over Admin’s announcement that 300 is due for release in the UK on 30th March 2007, but “Burns” appears to have been shelved once more....

Els is the proud mum to a bouncing baby Boosh gif, after playing nasty with Photoshop, and Gusti bids an early goodnight before she leaves for Slovenia. Elb arrives to eat humble pie in front of Eeyore after discovering that SHE is part-Welsh! (So that’s why she loves leeks..)

Berenise is sad because of the bad news about “Burns”, but glad that we can now start planning BriTartFest for the release of “300”. Evil (but lovely) Els launches more Photoshop lunacy, but her head implodes. Elb has double Wulfy-vision after removing her contacts, and assures a worried Gracie that Tarts are easily spotted. Talk returns to the Outlander books, and ENGLAND betray too many secrets........ Yorkie meanwhile arrives all of a fluster and ENGLAND avert their eyes while she adjusts her clothing....Goffy is about to finish the last Outlander book and is comforted by Tina who has begun them all again... Catherine retires to bed and to seek out more Scot-smut in Cross Stitch, and Tina, Gracie, Berenise and Sparkle follow suit. Cathy has an out-of-body experience and finds herself in Claire’s place......Els unleashes another gif which perplexes some, whilst cracking up others, and Blu does another drive-by posting. Meanwhile, Elb recounts a spot of comedy-bonking, then gives Del a pep talk about sending her manuscripts in. Laura bounces in with mischief in mind, and a fast flurry of Pic-Smut ensues, broken only by Marsha announcing the good news that her friend Stone is coming home after his chemo treatment. ENGLAND rapidly descends to the very well-rounded bottom of the Gutler Mine, Laura hits 300 and the HHH makes a welcome reappearance......the Pic-Smut reaches its peak with the White String/Black Trunks photo and Laura indulges in Premature Articulation by starting a new thread before the old one is ready to turn up its toes.....

Goffy enters the anarchy in dire need of hugs after finishing A Breath of Snow and Ashes, and is indignant to have missed the Smutathon. Elb announces lights out is imminent, and threatens anyone still awake by the time she returns from her work as ENGLAND’s Official Scribe. It is left to Auntie Jan to enforce bedtime for Britain, but everyone behaves - for a change - and when Elb returns, duty done, she finds ENGLAND asnore, and switches the light off in Post 300.......

Disclaimer...

If I inadvertantly offended anyone with my reference to the Welsh, then I humbly apologise.

I love everybody on an equal footing....... *obsequious grin...*

ENGLAND 60 - Day Two in the BritTart House....

Elb opens ENGLAND for business at the crack of dawn. (Has she actually BEEN to bed at all?) Catherine, Kelli and Gusti are all in before 7am, and talk turns to coffee, more specifically, coffee gadgetry, which everyone appears to have stashed at the back of cupboards!
Catherine is soon to go to a dog show in Somerset, and Elb reports good weather there. (This later changes, and she receives a text from Catherine that turns her mobile blue...) The latter is cheered however, by now being able to play Gerry PORN - sorry - PONR - in her car. Euphemia and Blu pop in, and later on, Delanie and Gracie, who discuss slobbery kids and dogs, or vice versa.....Em threatens to overspend at the Bullring, and Sparkle meets Eamonn Holmes at her local shopping centre. Sophie from Oz is cream-crackered after only 2 hours sleep before Uni, and Goffy still feels like poo.

Marsha returns from being AWOL, and she and Goffy discuss which of Gerry’s ‘looks’ they prefer. Gusti joins in but they all berate Elb for overdoing things, as she has been complaining about doing the ENGLAND blog! Elb promptly feels guilty, and issues an abject apology.... There is a brief but classy exchange of picspam, illustrating Gerry’s various looks.

Els congas in, deposits a suspicious link and congas out again, threatening to return later. Elb naively clicks on the link and is confronted with a nekkid man dancing to a verra irritating tune, and waving her name on a placard.................

Delanie is frustrated, as she has been told she is not qualified for jobs, or is over-qualified....... She then goes on a rant about people buying designer labels for babies...which Elb joins in, while Gusti tries to assist career-wise. In the meantime, a new salvo of picspam is fired, and continues unabated over the heads of Delanie and Gusti in earnest conversation. Euphemia explains her daughter Miss Magdalena’s absence: she is at college, and can only post occasionally from there. Marsha has to return to work, and bids farewell, just in time to miss Elb singing, and Cathy unfortunately chooses that moment to arrive. Elb gets confused with her lyrics, and the Outlander books are the subject of much discussion again. Sparkle and Gusti leave early to snuggle up with Jamie and Phanty respectively, shortly followed by Catherine. Debate continues as to how people envisage Jamie Fraser, and Del posts a picture of her bekilted friend, which provokes much drooling.

It’s a quiet night for ENGLAND, and Goffy posts her new vid before she too signs off for the night. Alas, it’s not the final version, as Mr Goffy deleted it by mistake... Watch this space for news on the “Slaughter on the Wirral” story as it unfolds live on ENGLAND..... Finally, at post no. 298, Yorkie appears, in unsettled mode which is most un-Yorkie-like. She receives hugs and sympathy from the remaining members of Team ENGLAND, and is told to get on with starting a new thread...

And so begins ENGLAND 61 - LXI Lip-smacking Xissing (we wish!) in which Els posts and runs, Del recommends ENGLAND’S next reading material, and Blu gets wind. Cathy shows off her bedfellows, Yorkie pimps Goffy’s new vid and Goffy pimps Enormous Penises. Elb is in and out like a fiddler’s elbow.... When ENGLAND re-convenes after “Lost”, Yorkie and Elb cheat on Gerry with Sawyer, Eeyore arrives late at the party again, and is immediately deserted by the rest of ENGLAND.

And Elb gets to bed before midnight!

ENGLAND REACHES 60! BritTarts’ Diamond Jubilee!

Late Sunday night, Elb sets up “ENGLAND’S 60TH! Our Diamond Jubilee!” and leaves a welcome basket of fruit for the morning crew... Elb awakens to find Gerry’s fruit has already been plucked by Yorkie and Eeyore. Catherine and Gusti join Elb for breakfast after catching up on the thread from the previous night, but Gusti refuses fruit as she has a dicky tum! The trio head off to work, passing Euphemia who is about to practise the martial art of Sho-Pping (just HAD to quote that one!), and is miffed that someone already munched Gerry’s banana... Delanie and Gracie also whizz through the revolving door, then all is quiet until Miss Hyde logs on to talk to herself but finds Delanie still lurking. Euphemia still can’t get no satisfaction in the handbag department, and Yorkie swims in to inform ENGLAND she has the Fire Brigade on standby for fear her gnomes will be washed away in the rising flood waters.

ENGLAND is still awash later when Em turns up to marvel at how we have managed to natter our way through 60 threads of in-depth discussions on “Quantum Physics and Molecular Biology”. Goffy and Em discuss their ancestry and Goffy announces she has “a bit of Highlander” in her, whilst Em has “a bit of Viking” in her..... (Elb would like a bit of either of those.... snigger.....Wulfy? Gerry?) Catherine has Italian/Irish lineage, Miss Hyde has a touch of French blood, and Tina admits to being a bit of a mongrel. Sparkle has a bit of most of the UK , with the exception of Wales, which some folk might say is for the best. Allegedly...... Just a joke Taffy, if you’re reading!

Tina and Goffy chat about the raffle prizes for the London meet, and Goffy complains that Tina is hogging all the Scotsmen, not that they are the prizes....Daft complains that she can’t keep up with the ENGLAND threads, and so Catherine helpfully points her in the direction of this blog. OzTart Sophie pops across to congratulate ENGLAND on reaching their 60th, and to offer a word of encouragement to the still-supposed-to-be-revising Miss Hyde.

Elb finally catches up with the tail of the thread at 7pm, as she is blogging the current days’ posts as she reads. Flagrantly flouting the “Save bandwidth!” rule, she posts a GerryWeather report, finishing with her favourite: a Wet Gerry! Everything changes with Laura’s siggy, and Cathy arrives, breathless with the news that she has dreamed about Gerry two nights in a row, and was on the receiving end of a full-on ButlerSnog - with tongue! ENGLAND turns green.....

Now wearing water wings, Yorkie still awaits a pump-action fireman, preferably with a large hose.... and Goffy has so far failed to find the elusive ‘fookin’ interview. Cathy (Irish/Indian/Welsh), Yorkie (French!) and Elb (Scottish/English) join the Ancestry Game. Del is suffering from a similar complaint to Gusti, and sends her regrets that she’ll be MIA tonight, and Cathy posts pics of Miss Brown and fiance, which are duly admired by ENGLAND. Elb reports contact from Els who is freezing her butt off in Portsmouth, awaiting the arrival of the boats from the Volvo Ocean Race. Sophie from Oz joins ENGLAND again, although it is 4am in Oz, and she is struggling to finish her essay before Uni.

Catherine fails to devote sufficient time to Jamie Fraser, but blames it on her husband turning the light out when she wants to read in bed! When Elb suggests a Viking Miners Helmet such as the one she wore in Glasgow, Yorkie figures this headgear is the reason Elb is sans-homme. This theory is disproved by Cathy, who, despite sleeping ‘au naturel’ and without horned helmet, is still a no-go zone where the opposite sex are concerned. Gusti appears in the midst of this fascinating discussion, having worked her way through “The Jury” and is suitably impressed by Gerry in the role of Johnnie Donne. Els returns from sailor-welcoming duties a little emotional, as a crewmember was lost during the race, but is glad she went nonetheless, and heads off to bed to warm up.

While Elb has been busy chronicling ENGLAND’s day, it appears that almost everyone has retired to bed with their second-favourite Scot, and only Elb, Gusti and Cathy remain.... Blu does her customary hit-and-run, and after a brief conversation about future roles for Gerry, ENGLAND retires for the night.

Or so Elb thinks, who is secretly glad that she may get to bed and indulge herself with Jamie, rather than fall asleep on her keyboard....

But Blu reappears, shortly followed by Goffy who feels like poo, and Gusti - who Elb had thought was tucked up in bed! Cathy has been pondering what Gerry’s drinking in his drunk scenes, Blu and Elb discuss bodies and squeamishness, and up pops Yorkie again to invite Elb to tea where she will be regaled with Tales for the Not-So-Squeamish by her scalpel-happy son.

Will ENGLAND never lie down????

Eventually, the late-nighters give in and leave Elb to finish the update, but Yorkie is spotted hiding, and despatched with a flea in her ear........ Elb heaves a sigh of relief and knuckles down to work, flinching every time a notification goes ‘PING’ on her Mac....

England 59- It's raining men? Nope - just plain rain...

Catherine creeps in to kick-start ENGLAND for the day, and finds that catching up from last night’s posts is easy - there weren’t any. For once, ENGLAND was virtually speechless. Gusti and Euphemia join her for Breakfast Club and talk turns to fanfic, discovering that all three have enjoyed “Chanson de l’Ange”. Gracie turns up, and she too compliments the still-snoring Elb on the Abridged blog. (Thanks guys...) Daft pops in with helpful advice on new computers for Tina, who is having problems with hers. Elb (now awake) promptly responds with a treatise on Apple Macs...

Much of the thread is taken up with a typically British trait - discussing the weather.

Catherine complains about hoovering a dogful of hair from her rugs, Laura is Taking That to extremes and Elb is off to inspect her daughter’s new boyfriend. Jo from Oz chats about Eurovision with Berenise, and as if on cue, Blu leaps out to defend the winning Finland alien band. Em gets wet, popsicled and sees a Gerry-likey, and Els joins the Wet Tart competition whilst chasing sailors around Pompey.

ENGLAND is like a revolving door, as Yorkie goes to the cinema to see “The Da Vinci Code”, and Paranoia Twin Elb returns from seeing “Ice Age 2” and boyfriend-inspecting duties. Catherine, who has watched the Watford footie match from behind her fingers, returns in triumph and shares a boozy celebration with Els. Gusti too has been watching telly, but opts for “The Jury” in which she cannot understand a word that Gerry says, because he constantly speaks with his mouth full, as well as being hindered by a Glaswegian accent!

Late afternoon: Delanie, Eeyore and Sparkle practise talking some more about the bad weather........ and Del bemoans the fact that she will have to leave Scotland in July. Gracie arrives in sour mood, and ENGLAND rally to try and cheer her up. Del unkindly laughs her arse off at the prospect of Elb’s favourite rodent drowning on Top Gear, and Catherine retires early after her footie celebrations!

Tina is relaunched online after her computer decides to compute again, and catches up with car talk, chocolate and marshmallows. Sparkle and Goffy resurface, and Goffy threatens to post her new vid tomorrow. Delanie posts pictures of Scotland, homesick before she has even left! Eeyore’s chair has a mind of its own, and Elb reappears after actually spending time offline! She reaches 4000 posts without even noticing..... Back from “The Da Vinci Code”, Yorkie notes that her 25th anniversary is on the 06/06/06: here’s hoping she has a devilishly good time!

For a while, ENGLAND talks about departed family until it’s time for Yorkie to depart and meet HER family! Laura bounces back in, still on a Gary Barlow high, but is disappointed that the rest of ENGLAND fail to share her enthusiasm for that particular GB! Yorkie departs, but not before grabbing Gerry’s plums from the fruit basket left to welcome ENGLAND to their 60th thread! Eeyore follows suit and before closing ENGLAND 59, snaffles Gerry’s banana....

ENGLAND’S 59th - Nearing pensionable age..

Elb beats Gusti to it this morning, and gets the coffee going for Breakfast Club. Kelli drops in briefly, to Catherine and Elb’s delight, but can’t stay long as she’s off to bed after nursing a sick child. Elb girds her loins and trundles off to work, while Blu flashes in to announce she is going to see Robbie Williams - that’s the complete set of Take That collected now..... Euphemia, Gracie and Laura are next in for breakfast, Laura still on a high after speaking to *sigh* Gary Barlow! Daft grumbles about the ridiculous hour that BC starts, and Berenise pops in with a message from Lady Wolfshead to say her PC is sick, hence the lack of contact. Miss Hyde has now finished college, so is now free to indulge in Booshness to her heart’s content, and won’t be in ENGLAND tonight as she is catering at a party. Sophie pops over from Oz to congratulate Blu on the Robbie tickets, and Euphemia bemoans the fact that she has to make a cyberman mask for her son! Gusti returns to say that she is going to Slovenia for a girly weekend, and posts some beautiful photos of the scenery there.

Later, Tina manages to get online on hubby’s ‘emergency’ computer, and Catherine joins Em and Goffy online while she can still string a sentence together - it is her 12th anniversary today, and she intends to have a jar or two later! Congratulations are given. Goffy is making another Over 18 vid and is taking requests - ENGLAND awaits the premiere....
Elb returns from work and ENGLAND sits down for a Doctor Who-fest.
It seems like everyone is off to the Real World tonight; Gusti, Sparkle and Berenise all sign out to spend the evening with friends. It’s also Eurovision tonight, but the Princes’ Trust concert may win out! At the mention of Eurovision, Blu resurfaces and declares her allegiance to the show, while Elb rather rudely poo-poos it.

Then a strange silence falls over ENGLAND for an hour or more.... *Insert sound of water dripping, crickets chirping and distant sirens....*

The silence is broken by Yorkie complaining about the extortionate price of Robbie Williams tickets, which brings a tipsy Catherine and Elb out of lurking. Yorkie gives the heads-up to a GB film review site, which mentions an interview with Gerry in which he uses the fook word to describe PONR, but cannot find said interview on GB.net. She issues a challenge to find it and Goffy picks up the gauntlet. Elb and Catherine shoot back to the KT for the rest of their Anatomy Class with the studly Dr. Butler, and Yorkie disappears to perform her wifely duties in the Real World! Em comes in to find ENGLAND deserted once more, except for Goffy who is frantically rummaging though the annals of GB history to find the interview. Gusti pops back in after her evening out with friends, but realising that it is midnight, heads off to bed. A “half drunk stranger” wanders in, AKA Els, who declares that her faith in humanity has been restored because Finland’s Death Metal band won Eurovision with a VERRA strange entry! And finally, Laura peeks in during the wee small hours, pondering the fact that both men she fancies have the initials GB.

ENGLAND gives up and goes to bed.....

ENGLAND 58 - Thank God it’s Friday!

Gusti is up early in rainy Vienna, and is shortly joined by Elb and Catherine who have both been bothered by wind overnight. Weather reporting over and done with, (what else did you think I meant?) Gusti says that the ex-colleague she visited the other day was so inspired by her that he has booked a longed-for trip! The BC trio agree that GB.net has got them all motivated to do things, and conversation returns to the prospect of another Tart get-together after London. Later, Miss Magdalena posts from college, and berates Mum Euphemia for feeding the cat with curry.... Mid-morning, Gracie pops in to apologise unneccessarily for leaving ENGLAND last night, but got sidetracked by Real Life. The next Tart gathering idea gains pace when Berenise says that she’d like to go to Castle Howard but couldn’t make the date in mind, as it’s hubby’s 40th, and he may be unwilling to come on yet ANOTHER GB trip....

Elb appears at lunchtime, having skived off work to come and play at GB.net instead! She and Catherine spend time plotting more Tart Adventures... and Catherine confesses she hasn’t yet got to grips with the Other Hot Scot in ENGLAND’s lives, Jamie. Euphemia on the other hand has to put him down to rejoin the thread for a break! Goffy and Em enter the fray; Goffy has managed to actually sleep, and Em is on the road to recovery aided by L.O.V.E, but has been absent from the thread due to an uncooperative laptop. (Or so she says!) Euphemia confesses to a Senior Moment in which she finds her purse and keys in the fridge, having thought she had lost them, and Em says she has four months’ break from University! There follows a bizarre conversation about face-painting and camels called Jerry, followed by Gerry-wrangling and junk food! Sparkle whips in to comment on how welcomed she felt when she first posted, and whizzes off again. Back on the topic of food, Catherine announces that she will eat her chocolates speedily, so she can get back on her diet quicker....Back again, Sparkle posts a pic of the doggie whose birthday party she attended today, which launches a flurry of pet photos until Goffy throws a wolf to ENGLAND - a Beo-wulf! And picspam begins again... Yorkie arrives at the arse-end of the thread, and home alone, suggests a Fancy Dress party - Gerry themed of course! Everyone suddenly finds other places to be......

Elb, in a panic calls for someone to start a new thread, but the silence is deafening, so she goes ahead with one she prepared earlier, in the event of such an emergency. And so begins “ENGLAND’S 59TH - Nearing pensionable age....”
Which verra nearly collides with one that Catherine was about to post....
Berenise, on seeing the shirtless pic of Marek that Elb had posted as a welcome to 59, admits that she has never seen Timeline, shock horror!

After only four pages, the thread runs out of steam, as folk are probably off watching Big Brother and Green Wing, so Elb goes to shut the thread down for the night, but finds that Laura has posted after going to see Take That in concert - and got to see her idol, Gary Barlow! Little Em, Berenise and Euphemia are the last up, but all are lured to bed by Jamie Fraser, and ENGLAND falls silent.....

England 58 - Thursday 18th May 2006

Gusti kicks off Breakfast Club refreshed and raring to go! Tina - unheard of in the BC - pops in to say hi en route to the Post Office and work. Catherine is dreading the dog show today, as it is blowing a hooley and raining cats and well.....dogs! Elb is late arriving due to burning the midnight oil for ENGLAND's benefit. (Are you feeling guilty yet?) And so it is with a "Hi ho, hi ho!" that everyone goes off to work. Well - almost everyone... Yorkie pops in mid-morning in smug mode, rejoicing that group intimidation has forced Elb into reinstating the 'Abridged' blogette. Good news too that we may not after all, miss out on our favourite piccies, as there are alternative versions in the gallery still... Gracie bemoans the fact that she missed out on karaoke, but reminds us that "we are all connected..." By what? Insanity? She also admits to feeling a mite guilty, as she has read all previous posts, therefore negating the need for the Abridged blog!

Marsha arrives, singing "Winnie the Pooh" and offers her excuses for not attending festivities tonight...This appears to set a trend, as Goffy joins in with "Show Me the Way To Go Home..." has karaoke NOT finished after all?

SHOCK! HORROR!! Admin pops up to sternly tell us not to post comments about the Getty image ban.... ENGLAND stands rebuked.....

Catherine returns from the dog show to announce that Parker let the side down by being scared by a guy with a nail gun. So much for being a gun dog..... Berenise mentions having been slapped by Admin on the update thread, presumably for discussing the Getty ban. Euphemia waves hello from beneath the debris of Bathroom 2, and Dr. Gusti investigates Goffy's insomnia...

Goffy notices that Em, Elb and Delanie are all AWOL. While Berenise and Gusti are chatting about training at work, Cathy and Gracie appear. Cathy has been on a trip to London, and posts some great pics of Butler's Wharf, and Sparkle pops in to announce that she is to attend a dog's birthday party tomorrow........

Elb finally arrives, having been frantically multi-tarting with domestic and motherly duties. There are new pictures in the gallery, in which Gerry looks not surprisingly tired. Scrummy, but tired. ENGLAND celebrates the return of the Sexy Stubble and the Chest Hairs, while Goffy celebrates finding her missing phone in her knicker drawer! Conversation turns to how long everyone lurked on GB.net before posting, and ENGLAND reminisces about their early days as Tarts....Yorkie arrives in the middle of this to say that Evangelia has had to drop out of the POTO trip, and therefore there is a spare ticket. We return to our sentimental musings over our first posts, and come to the conclusion that the ENGLAND thread is the Bees Knees, the Dog's B... breakfast, but then Tina mentions she is going to watch the launch of this year's Big Brother, which sends Yorkie into a rant about talentless nobodies etc etc! Elb attempts to begin a conversation about what we would miss if ENGLAND was in the BB house, and Eeyore pops in to say she's feeling 'proper poorly'! Em has a new vid out called "Insatiable", but Em herself is nowhere to be found. Everyone else drops by the wayside as Yorkie and Elb talk about.... talking! - and then Jan mentions that Castle Howard in Yorkshire holds a Proms event in the summer, and how it would be a great Tart outing. She also drops the fact that she is going on yet ANOTHER holiday! Finally, the Paranoia Twins run out of steam, and it is time for bed...(said Zebedee...)

England 58 - another day, another thread...

Late in the afternoon, Elb starts ENGLAND's new thread on Goffy's behalf, as Goffy has lobbed a title in and conveniently gone for a bath. "ENGLAND 58 - Let's Make Beowulf Great - in the UK!" is inspired by Catherine's new thread in the UK sub-forum in which she rallies the BritTarts to press for a UK release of B&G.

Euphemia gets her 5th set of lips, and sets the tone for the evening by announcing that her cat has eaten her Chicken Tikka but prefers Korma.... Berenise describes the "Outlandish Companion" to Elb - a background reference book to the "Outlander" saga that appears to be compulsory reading for all Tarts. In honour of a rainy evening, Elb begins Wet Gerry picspam and posts a Wet Gerry shot from Mrs Brown, but thankfully not THAT shot! ENGLAND breathes again..... Gracie and Goffy discuss tattoos again, and Goffy announces that she'd like two of hers removed. Blu pops in - and out again - with a burnt tongue, and Yorkie jumps into Wet Ger-Wars with a splash.

Em is still not firing on all cylinders, and receives hugs. Ger-Wars progresses through Gerry's film career, most of which appears to have been spent immersed in water.

Elb points out Admin's announcement that Getty images are no longer to be posted on the forums. Horrified, ENGLAND falls silent save for the rustlings of many Photobuckets as everyone frantically checks their image stashes against the Getty no-nos, and discovers that many favourites are now “verboten”..... Miss Hyde who is studying Law, thinks the ban is all to do with copyright laws.

Marsha arrives amidst the wailing and gnashing of teeth, and explains that she has been AWOL due to Real Life intervening again. Sparkle and Goffy briefly explain to Marsha that the term “Football” means “Soccer”, while Gracie becomes an instant dictionary, defining “NAUGHTY” to Em!

Catherine is off to another dog show tomorrow, but this time will have Jamie Fraser to keep her company, as she has borrowed a copy of “Cross Stitch” from Elb. Gusti dashes in for a quick hello, and points out that she alerted us to Admin’s Getty post yesterday, but nobody paid heed to her! Sorry Gusti! She is off to bed early as she has had a trying day, with yet more trials and tribulations at work.

Marsha’s next “English” lesson is on the subject of trousers (UK) and pants (US) and the differences therein. Or not... Chips/fries/crisps are next.... (I say “Tomay-to, you say “Tom-aato”??) Later, ENGLAND harps on about the size of their collective behinds (discussion leading on from Marsha’s “pants” comment...) and GB.net gets the blame for the surge in spreading bums. Goffy, Marsha and Elb indulge in a soppy ‘Can-you-feel-the-lurve?’ -fest in which they gush over the benefits that GB.net has wrought in their lives. This swiftly descends into a mini-Karaoke session, which Yorkie wins by merit of being the only one still standing at the end! Everyone else has snuck out while she was in mid-warble.....

Elb wraps up the show by selflessly staying up late to begin chronicling ENGLAND’s latest ramblings, and promptly falls asleep at her post............

The blog is dead - long live the blog!

Well - bowing to pressure from a few of you, I have been persuaded to bring this blogette out of retirement and to continue condensing ENGLAND's threads!

Don't say I didn't warn you - it is fast becoming another springboard for my own personal ramblings...... I would also like to add something: Due to the vast amount of rubbish that we discuss on the threads, it's VERY hard to pick out which bits to actually include, so please don't be offended if I don't mention certain things, or if I DO mention certain things... I do try to be objective, but it's not easy with a brain that tends to go off at weird tangents.

After all, I AM a Knucklehead......


ENGLAND......abridged will recommence as from Thread 58ish. Or when I can be bothered. *sigh*

Time to say goodbye.....

Okey dokey peeps!

As you all know, Yorkie is back from her travels and up to full speed with ENGLAND, and so I will draw this blogette to a close.

It's been hard work, but er...interesting, reading through all the tripe we talk about!


Love y'all!

England 50 - Tuesday 2nd May 2006

Elb wakes up ENGLAND and is somewhat surprised with the men that Marsha and Eeyore discussed last night after hours. Hugh Laurie? Alan Rickman?? Gusti and Catherine arrive, and Catherine has to go collect her Mum from the station today, as she is coming for a visit, and to be indoctrinated into Gerriness, although she doesn’t know it yet....Gusti is philosophical about her return to work, and her results from the doctors. Kelli turns up and we discuss time spent on GB.net interfering with Real Life - particularly for those with families. Gracie arrives, swiftly followed by Delanie, Els and Jessey, all briefly touching base before retreating back to the Real World, and silence falls on ENGLAND again until it is broken in the afternoon by the arrival of Em and Goffy. Catherine sneaks online, despite her Mum being about, and announces her plans for the Gerry-isation of Mum with POTO as a starter. Gusti and Elb too check in, and Em and Goffy conduct a coded conversation to do with birthdays and underwear. Elb is comforted after another hard day at work by a yellow towel pic from Goffy, and Little Miss (Jackie from the KT) drops in to wish ENGLAND a happy 50th! Gusti announces that her results from the doc weren’t as bad as she expected, but will have to undergo more tests. ENGLAND turn as one and offer advice on diet etc in motherly tones....Gracie confesses to being stressed out by the fact that she is going away on a conference for the next three days, and has to get things prepared for her family in her absence. Em is wished luck for a prospective outing with mystery man, and departs to Alton Towers.

The other absentee, Loubylou finally checks in and admits to have been lurking rather than posting. Del and Gusti get onto reminiscing about German breakfasts, then Catherine reports in that Mum’s Gerry-indoctrination is not going according to plan, but that she will persevere. Del comes back on, and is offered yet more man-advice from Elb, Gracie, Gusti and Tina, whether she wants it or not!

Cathy posts a hilarious if long-winded joke! Gracie teases that she has found something BETTER than a Gerry in the bath, and we all fall for it: Fruit covered in creme fraiche, which then prompts all sorts of rudeness..... and Els pops in at an appropriate moment to give us more comedy links, and to suggest watching Johnny Depp in the POTC2 trailer. People get so carried away with posting, that they fail to notice the thread has reached the end of the road, and Elb sets up “ENGLAND 51 - Where Aliens don’t exist but BritTarts do!”

A little late, LisaW, another BritTart congratulates us on reaching Thread 50.....

ENGLAND hits 50! - The Golden Anniversary for BritTarts...

MONDAY 1ST MAY 2006

Bank Holiday dawns, and first up is Elb who discovers that Yorkie has again popped in during the wee small hours! Catherine joins her almost immediately and comforts Elb over her Coffee Crisis - she has run out, and has to break into the emergency coffee! Deprived of good quality caffeine, Elb reckons that Yorkie should now be known as Yorkie GTE - Globe Trotter Extraordinaire - with go-faster stripes in her hair. However, Catherine is next for a domestic crisis and reports that her washing machine has leaked, and Parker has chewed the coffee table.... Elb admits to being a freak (There is a thread up entitled “Are You a Freak?” which most of ENGLAND and the KT appear to have endorsed)

Kelli from the KT joins ENGLAND for breakfast, although it is the middle of the night where she is. She expresses sympathy for Elb who must face her Mother’s culinary delights once again. She too admits to being a freak. Gusti too has posted on the freak thread, so we are all equally freaky...... She is dubious about meeting an ex-colleague as she feels uncomfortable about going to his house, but in the end, it turns out well, and she has a good time. The Tarts reminisce over dinners long-gone and cooked by long-gone relatives, and on that wistful note, Elb starts the next thread: “ENGLAND hits 50! - The Golden Anniversary for BritTarts and Guests” Blu is put-out that the thread was started before the old one finished, but in Elb’s eyes, it’s called “Being Prepared”. She was a Boy Scout in a former incarnation.... We all try to enlighten Kelli as to why Bank Holidays are so named, as they are called Public Holidays elsewhere in the world, which seems much more appropriate. We then discuss weight loss, as Catherine, Gusti and Gracie are all losing the pounds, and Tina would like to. Elb just gives up and eats another biscuit. Once again, the question of what to wear in London comes up, and occupies much of the morning’s waffling, along with Elb’s plans to follow in Yorkie’s footsteps to NY in October. Amidst chat about laptops between Gusti and Del, Els pokes her head back in and does a splendid job of demonstrating how very wrong in her mind tank she has gone, whilst rambling on in Boosh-ese. ENGLAND smiles and pats her on the shoulder sympathetically....

Goffy and Tina chat about plans to relocate to Scotland, provoking envy in Elb (who lives in Chav-town) and others. But Catherine is happy to be living by the sea, and Els loves Portsmouth. The mood sobers somewhat when Goffy starts singing “You’ll Never walk Alone” (prompted by watching football) and Elb mentions that it makes her cry, particularly since Hillsborough - and then we get onto funeral songs again! Cheery group in ENGLAND today! Lord of the Rings is the next subject, and Em admits to never having watched any of the LOTR films, so we try to persuade her to give them a go. Gusti STILL hasn’t had her blood test results, so her constant tiredness is still a mystery. Del presents some stunning new siggies based on James Blunt lyrics, and encourages folk to go and vote in the Snog Siggies Contest over in the Kissing Thread Sub-Forum, and Elb goes off to another dreaded dinner over-cooked by her mother.

Later, Delanie opens her heart and asks for advice regarding a personal problem. ENGLAND offers advice and closes ranks protectively around Del who probably wishes she hadn’t asked..... Elb manages to break the serious train of posts by announcing the cat has stood on her cheese. Marsha arrives at the tail end of the evening having been poorly, and receives one of the many grouphugs that are going round ENGLAND tonight. Can you feel the LURVE, people?
A brief discussion on the merits of cheese-washing ensues, dissipating any lingering seriousness, and Eeyore launches a search party for Jessey and Loubylou who have been AWOL for a while.Marsha and Eeyore close down ENGLAND for the night with a yarn about various other actors they find fanciable....