ENGLAND breaks the Da Marriott Code....

Catherine, coffee in hand, waits patiently for Elb, who is having blog trouble....... She thinks she’s lost her mojo, and Blogger.com have lost her post! Leaving ENGLAND Abridgedless, she dashes off to work, hopefully to resolve the crisis later.... Gusti pops in, on a Bank Holiday and is a very happy bunny, having just ordered B&G, while Els and constantly-behind Barbara join her for the BC late shift. Els is also a fabby happy bunny, as she has had confirmation of her holiday placement on board a tall ship, so will be playing pirates for real in October! Catherine, Vanessa and Em all drift in and Gusti and the girls vow virtual Tart Power to support Vanessa with her problem customer....... Gusti is more relaxed after a night out with a pal and a bottle of good Austrian plonk, Barbara chills too with two days off but Els wakes everyone up with an END OF THREAD ALERT!!!!.... Gusti excuses herself from threadstarting as she suddenly feels the need to prepare for tomorrow’s work, so Em springs valiantly to the rescue.... Gusti heaves a sigh of relief, Barbara conveniently heads off on holiday, and Vanessa girds her loins to do battle with the pesky plonker with an army of Virtual Tarts behind her......

Em starts off ENGLAND 112....we get the 211 backwards (We did it our way!), and Evangelia mumbles her way through a post with chronic toothache while Els forgets herself again, and Vanessa indulges in a spot of pre-work swooning. Miss Hyde’s mum (but not Miss H herself) will be jealous of Els’ life on the ocean wave, and Debbie Goddard is persuaded by Yorkie that she should test the waters in ENGLAND..... Berenise and Del do quickies for lunch, and Jo wakes Grumpy Bum from his nap, while coincidentally, Els reads about real-life zombies....Del whiles away an hour or so with ENGLAND in the internet cafe, and Els invites folk to call her a dipstick.

Els - YOU’RE A DIPSTICK!!!

Del gets on her high horse about sexist football camps, Jo’s zombie needs more coffee, and as the magic hour of 3pm approaches, ENGLAND awaits, credit cards clutched in sweaty mitts for the mass break-in to the Da Marriott Code..... Goffy finds Els’ zombie article fascinating, and takes notes, while Del saves money in the internet cafe by simply sniffing coffee and toasties......Em is doubly impressed by Gladiator Gerry, Marsha drops in to update ENGLAND on Stone’s progress, and Euphemia turns up for the Big Book-In and Nail-Chewing Fest. Marsha offers her claws for ENGLAND’s needs, and already-accommodated Em wishes ENGLAND good luck as 3pm strikes.....

First back past the post is a much-relieved Catherine, despite having to book two rooms for her and Yorkie, Elb and Els, while next proud possessor of a small piece of the Marriott is Jo, who can only sell sufficient body-parts to pay for two nights, then will move to less painful lodgings.......Grumblings arise as folk discover the cheaper room rate only applies for a few days, while most tours fall outside cheap rates..... Like Evangelia, Lady Claire also needs to visit the Tooth Fairy for restorative dentistry, and Em travels round Scotland in her head, but her navigation sucks.....LadyC is to visit Scotland in 5 weeks, and Goffy enthuses over the Highlands which Lady C hopes to visit! Catherine hopes breakfast is included at the Marriott, or else cheapskate Breakfast Club will adjourn somewhere more conducive to lightweight pockets......... Lady Grey is toothless but pain-free, and Gusti works undercover for the Scottish Tourist Board, while usually placid Berenise gets on her soapbox about the timing of room rates at the Con...... Jo gets cryptic and talks in code to Berenise, and explains the dimensions of a king-sized German! Goffy joins the STB and raves about Celtic scenery, while Catherine reports that business for the Marriott has been brisk, and Gusti gets pictorially excited about returning to Glasgow..... Miss Hyde goes solo in Scotland and will be lost in bed, and Gusti laughs her socks off at Goffy’s hat.... ENGLAND decide that winter chic is a lost cause, and go for the strange-but-cosy look, start planning a joint assault on Jo Malone’s to restock supplies of smellies, and Jo doesn’t care how Gerry smells as long as he’s wearing nothing more.... It appears that Team ENGLAND’s menfolk wear Burberry Brit unaware that they are emulating the King of Pong, but wonder why their wimminfolk get sniffy....

After earlier hassles with Blogger, Elb is now seeing double! Abridged is on BOGOF! Gusti researches burnout, and realises that she has had a lucky escape, but must take better care of herself, and Vanessa reports back that Virtual Tart Power worked, and she has banned her persistent persecutor! Elb goes Elbmit and NEEDS to know how Team ENGLAND are sorted TartCon-wise, while kick-ass Vanessa hunts for park benches in Glasgow in order to meet the BritTarts...... ENGLAND duly report back to nosey Elb regarding their billets in Glasgee, and Euphemia WOOTs for the return of absent cat, but undergoes much trial and considerable tribulation whilst trying to book her place for TartCon2.....

Cathy, while conducting vital Tart research, slo-mos B&G the better to view lumpy chainmail.......Euphemia’s eyes pop out at Hattie’s return, and she contemplates work as a Gross-a-Tart to raise Tarting About funds, and her pictures send ENGLAND fleeing and cause Elb to pebbledash her screen with her dinner. Lady Grey recognises the face pinned beneath the corpulent rear featured in Euph’s post, and Yorkie gets poetic about the Return of Hattie the Cattie and waxes lyrical over Holby, while Cathy reckons ENGLAND were justified in their mass-paranoia......Elb recommends the Crosswest Travel Agency for booking Tartabouts, and is relieved that her butt is significantly smaller than Vanessa’s mum’s bum twin......Tina goes into uber hug-mode, and Louby returns unaware that all Hotel-Hell broke loose in her absence......Euphemia’s moggy is safe from her fiendish kitchen, as there isn’t sufficient cat to the pound, and her talents are called into service once again - for domestic duties.....Lady G meets Lady W and ponders plasticash for B&G, Jo looks forward to Tartan high jinks at their hotel, and is distracted.... All is to be revealed later! Yorkie and Catherine are passing ships again, as one drops anchor as the other sets sail. Catherine fires a poetic parting shot across ENGLAND’s bows.....

I think someone should write an ode
About that bladdy hotel code
Booking the rooms was so much trouble,
Single, triple, twin or double?
I think I need a good night's rest
This Tarting lark has left me stressed!

Curious Goffy interrogates Jo over the reason for her distraction, but far from screen-capping Terry/Gerry, Jo tells her something else has ‘come up’....... Vanessa’s kids wrest back the computer, and Gracie drops by after a trip to the seaside, and tells of embarrassing dogs....... Yorkie plans to take Attila on her cruise, but he may be on a go-slow, and ENGLAND chat about falling asleep at work.......’zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz’ Gracie gets technical and is a Hip chickedy doo dah, but the rest of ENGLAND admit to being Technophobes to varying degrees! Elb is a walking ad for Apples, Cathy Bales out, and ENGLAND as per usual on a Tuesday night, gets Lost........However, Goffy can’t hold it in any longer, and partly reveals Jo’s Big News, before she arrives to splurt it herself - WE HAVE A UK SHOWING OF B&G !!!!!!!!

ENGLAND go ballistic with excitement, and get carried away with seating and travel plans, while WOOTing their heads off! Eeyore is the first of many Tarts who realise that the short notice of the London screening means that she won’t be able to go.......And she’s not the only one..........Randomly-knowledged Els gets a third at the pub quiz, and Jo chooses seats for B&G UK while Tamara thanks Jo for all her hard work on Wulfy’s behalf....ENGLAND continue bouncing for some time, buoyed up by the fantastic news about Beowulf....Elb is actively encouraged to pull a sickie, but is too honest Vanessa offers her house for the night, but most folk are only doing a flyby trip, and Yorkie takes charge of the wittering wimmin, while Elb plans to pull in a favour from her boss.....Ellie Mae is astounded at the speed of ENGLAND, but can’t be arsed to keep up, and Yorkie bludgeons Nauseous Elb and Garrulous Goffy to attend B&G (London) come what may.... The pair promise to try........An APB goes out for Euphemia, chef extraordinaire, as she has been conspicuously absent from the evening’s frivolities, and so has a nice chianti..... *slurp*

ENGLAND turn Travel Agent again and try to arrange Eeyore’s trip for her, and fail on all counts, while Goffy gets sorted and heads off to dream of lumpy chainmail. Infrequent and apologetic poster Taffy is added to the growing list of “Can’t make it”....... In the wee small hours, Jo is finally left alone with her insomnia to ponder the enormity of what she and Team ENGLAND have actually achieved.........