ENGLAND 96...”He’s coming home, he’s coming home - Wulfy’s coming home...”

Earlybird Elb again pops in to get a quick if lonely fix at deserted Breakfast Club before she goes to work, disappointed that nothing of importance popped up in her dreams.... She assures ENGLAND that she WILL complete the previous day’s Abridging later in the day. Catherine is up next after dealing with dodgy doggies’ doodahs, but still finds time to spark up a new thread and Gusti apologises for premature articulation, as she posts on the new thread ahead of schedule, but recommends a must-see for the Highland-bound BritTarts..... Poorly Jo suffers from kidney troubles, and is given plenty of advice by the ENGLAND surgery where you never wait for an appointment! Del can’t find anything on her messy desk, so asks for the visiting Tarts’ schedule again, Gusti gets her life into gear for her new business, and wants to hug everyone as she is so excited! She and Del gossip on past the 300 post, and Catherine drops a gentle reminder that the new thread is open for business.....

Over on ”He’s coming home, he’s coming home - Wulfy’s coming home...” (- Awaiting their Beowulf DVDs, BritTarts remember England losing....again.......) Jo is feeling a tad better, and Catherine wants to lie on laminate to cool off, but her boss may object! All is quiet in ENGLAND 96 until Elb bounds in for her 11 o’clock ‘lunchtime’ at work, then Del posts from school and Gusti breezes in at proper lunchtime to announce that she is now the proud owner of her own business! Jo has trouble Yahooing, which Catherine confirms, as she too cannot Yahoo......Del blames the heat....

There are intermittent problems with the site, and so it’s some three hours later when Elb gets in and relates events in her day to find she’s talking to herself...... Catherine drops in to procrastinate, Cathy has a cool secret but won’t tell, and Del gives political discussionists both barrels of a feminist viewpoint. Sparkle is jealous of her friend’s premature Gerdreams, and sweet-eating Goffy is boiled alive while Jo’s internet is topsy-turvy, if at all! Catherine discusses hers and Elb’s imminent Tarting About Trip, while the others are envious of the scouting party and demand pictures on their return! Euphemia is apoplectic after terminal problems with her PC, Del’s too is acting up, and Yorkie joins the ranks of sweetie-munchers.....Cathy buys a magnifier to see where she’s been, and goes Earth-Googling..... Everyone seems to be experiencing problems in one form or another, blaming the weather for want of a better explanation. Elb warns the confectionary club of impending dentistry whilst hypocritically sucking minty balls and ponders on the possible causes for the site’s instability..... Euphemia enquires after Elb’s minty balls, fearing for her sanity, and Hot-Stuff Eeyore is in heaven at work, with a fan one side and Gorgeous Gareth the other.....Yorkie gets a complex and is waylaid while looking for Fireman Spam - she too Googles Earth and retraces Team ENGLAND’s steps in London, while Confused of Mitcham finds a kindred spirit in self-confessed technical eejit Yorkie. Goffy lights up blue, and Elb alters the course of Google Earth, sparking fears that everyone will fall off, but finds time amongst global catastrophe to post a link to Fireman Spam for mate Yorkie...

Gracie can’t even spell “pooter ilitrate”, so treats herself to dreams of Drac in advance of impending in-laws, and Gusti hopes her Mr T isn’t the one from the ‘A-Team’ as Elb suspects....... Goffy gives Drac-Gerry freedom to bite anytime, any place, anywhere.....(that’s Martini.......) Cathy gets up close and personal just to feel anything, but carries on Googling, while Yorkie achieves a technological breakthrough by importing a quote from the previous thread and spreading inflammatory rumours about burning underpants......... Cathy has delayed-action giggles, Del’s had one of those days and slopes off to bed, while thoughtful Eeyore wishes long-time absentee from ENGLAND, Jessey a happy birthday, and Breila a happy one-year GB.net anniversary! Gracie does her homework and goes Wulfy-hunting to watch him strip, and Elb rewards her dedication with a picture of Dracula showing that he too visits the dentist for fang-filling..... Cathy circumnavigates the world from her computer chair, and Eeyore wistfully Googles her old house, while Tina wishes the Intrepid Paranoia Triplets well on their jaunt to represent Team ENGLAND. Yorkie promotes Google Earth as the best way to travel without flying, and Goffy has a rare thought. Tina thinks she’s upset folk because no-one says hello, so ENGLAND hastily correct their bad manners and Gusti gets paranoid about booking rooms for TartCon2........... Gracie points out that Gogle Earth doesn’t need sick bags - a fact which Elb disputes - and is pointed in the right direction for Wulfy’s striptease by a volley of links......Tina does Pocahontas, while Jo posts help for Gusti in looking for rooms, and Del threatens to squish the Glasgee Three.....

Yorkie contemplates becoming a Scot as she spends so much time there, Catherine retires as she must be up at unGodly o’clock tomorrow, and Gracie wonders about a drool bib for watching Gerry get it off. Elb suggests a defibrillator on standby..... Team ENGLAND bids goodbye and good luck to those off to Glasgow for the weekend, Goffy suggests a list to help match up roommates for TartCon2, and Gracie returns incandescent with rage that she can only get partway through stripping..... Ever-helpful Goffy posts a Youtube link instead, and Quicktime links for Jan who STILL can’t see Wulfy’s Y-fronts.... Tina decides to dance nekkid round her garden in an effort to cool off, but but changes her mind, Gracie is back after boggling at Butler’s Big Black Box, and is duly impressed, and joins Tina in not dancing nekkid in the garden for fear of gnome-scaring............ Tina fears she may not force her wobbly bits into a prematurely purchased outfit for TartCon2, so she and Gusti plan a bank heist to pay for party gear, while Goffy tells Gracie that Em is away at a gig and joins the Fund-a-Frock bank job mob. Tina suggests a shindig while the Glasgee Three are away and frustrated Yorkie appears to be the ONLY person in the known universe who hasn’t viewed Gerard Butler’s shitty Y-fronts.... Distracted by Wulfy’s woffling, Jo bids goodnight, Goffy tries to help Yorkie’s mission to see mucky pants, and finally, FINALLY Yorkie has lift-off........

SHE CAN SEE THE SH*TTY Y-FRONTS!!!!!!!!! *cue heavenly chorus*

ENGLAND can at last sleep easily..............