WOT?? No Abridged?

Nope - no Abridged for a while, as I've been busy with Other Things - none of which actually include Getting a Life, but I'm taking a wee breakette to recharge my batteries.

As you all know, Team ENGLAND went to London on the 9th of September to see B&G at the cinema. For the saga of the day, head off to the United Kingdom threads at GB.net to find "BEOWULF BOUND! BritTarts, Boobs and Bums!" or something to that effect......

I wish you all a peaceful and happy life until such time as I pick up the reins of Abridged again........

ENGLAND 130 - 1 B&G screening - 3 days from now - 0 what fun!

Breakfast Club becomes Crisis Club this morning: Catherine reads the Riot Act to her dogs at Breakfast, as they can’t read, then takes them out anyway, Euphemia faffs around, plotting Mr the H’s demise but is called away on Operation Moggy-Vac when her cats play snowballs with a box of washing powder, and Elb awakes to find her office has been falling apart while she slept..... Gusti pops in from work, and is fighting fit after a punch-up with her colleague, while caffeine-chilled Elb swallows her cliche dictionary and reports news of fellow BCer Catherine who is stuck with car trouble...... Jo searches for Marek amongst the debris of Elb’s office before realising he is unscathed, and she and Vanessa appear to be the only Crisis-free Clubbers of the day....... Euphemia’s getting thin on top, and Catherine is thin on patience, while Els gets dressed-up and psyched-out for a meeting at work. Catherine has chips in her sand and Jo just has butter on her buns........

At lunchtime, Lady Grey divulges her travel plans, and Miss Hyde is back from her sleepover to begin Tarting About preparations in earnest, while Jo doesn’t want to tempt fate. For Catherine, charity begins at the shop, where she finds a bargain posh frock for the Con - Goffy, Jo and Barbara duly admire it, but Signe is too lazy....... Jo is digitally dyslexic, and Doc Goffy puts tired Signe under the microscope.

It appears that Alexandria has invited the heir to the throne to Saturday’s B&G, and Signe reveals that she too has royal connections, while sad Sparkle says goodbye to her great-uncle who died last night...... ENGLAND offer their condolences. Catherine sits in judgement on ‘The Jury’ with Johnnie’s Magic T-Shirts, and Dandie supports GB on TV despite having him on DVD, OK? Talk turns to Gerry’s finest performances, and it is agreed that ‘The Jury’ is one of his best, with ‘Please!’ and ‘Dear Frankie’ runners-up. Dandie becomes English coach, and everybody makes up words..... Miss Hyde is in the pink, and threatens ENGLAND with germ warfare on Saturday......

The Honorary BritTarts misunderstand each other, which is understandable, as English is not their mother tongue....... The rest of ENGLAND unite in admiration of their non-English counterparts, and ruffled feathers are soothed. ENGLAND count themselves lucky to be able to order beer and ice cream in another language, let alone chat on a forum!........ Euphemia begins Cat of the Day tales, and everyone adds their moggy stories, while Elb has a short-sighted encounter with a photo-booth..... Vanessa’s cats duke it out, Marsha imparts some interesting facts about a pig’s orgasm, and Mrs “Da Vinci” Brown takes a day off from painting....... Els asks for DVD suggestions and Miss Hyde ponders that if GB & JD did a film together, we wouldn’t have to choose between them, while Cathy chooses GB every time, and is thus dubbed ‘Ever-faithful Maiden of the Gerry Realm’ by Marsha.

Vanessa’s stalker returns, as do G2 and G3 just as Catherine announces she’s off to bed, and the Clan Paranoia are reunited....... Elb gets over-excited about Saturday’s Big Wulfy-a-thon, and the forthcoming Tennantness on telly, and Eeyore shows off her trials with her new camera, while Tina is still a Beowulf Virgin and is saving herself for Saturday....... Team ENGLAND suffer a mass breakout of spots, and Clearasil is ordered by the lorryload, and partially-bouncy Yorkie catches the photo bug from Eeyore and gets arty with her pics. Elb wagers she can bounce better than her Paranoia Sis, and begins Bounce-for-Butler in which ENGLAND compete for the title of Bounciest Tart......... Berenise (a bit bouncy herself) joins the Zit Sisterhood, and plans to dress for comfort on Saturday rather than risk flashing in Finchley, and offers to buy ENGLAND a round after B&G....... Yorkie and Elb appoint Gerry as Bouncing Judge, as he appears to be very experienced, and Yorkie posts more artiness from her trip to the G3 Glasgow Summit. ENGLAND plan a post-Wulfy discussion group to mull over the merits of the film, the acting prowess of the cast, and particularly the fit of costumes.......Elb offers the experience of the Beowulfast Three to aid in the weighty considerations of Mr Butler’s form-fitting chainmail, and Dandie contemplates a tattoo on her forehead as she’s a sucker for cats......Dandie contemplates a tattoo on her forehead as she’s a sucker for cats, and Vanessa not only warns of the End of Thread, but also warns ENGLAND that there may be insufficient room in the pub for her daughter’s bosom...

All goes quiet for a while, and when most of ENGLAND decamp to bed, Vanessa panics over threadstarting. However, in the nick of time, Elb the Lurking Thread-o-matic churns out yet another one for the remaining members of Team ENGLAND, and despite a teensy technical hitch with the image in the newly hatched thread, ENGLAND bale out into ENGLAND 131 - BritTart Bounce-a-thon Coming Up! Euphemia wanders in whilst waiting for her painkillers to work so she can return to bed, and Jo admires Wulfy’s package, now happily restored to the beginning of the thread...... Marsha eagerly awaits Over 18 access, Vanessa complains that she’s STILL waiting, and Dandie joins the queue...... Vanessa’s cats continue their feud, and Jo dishes out animal psychiatry before FINALLY putting ENGLAND to bed......

ENGLAND 129 rolls into the 130th.....

Breakfast Coven is once more staged in solitary shifts, with Early-Morning Gusti kicking off the show as she gets to work, trying not to let things get to her, while Catherine clocks in and out on her way to walkies. Elb grumbles in as usual for her shift, and misses Gusti while being slow to post....... Finally, there are enough people in ENGLAND to constitute a coven, and BC proper is under way..... Vanessa wagers how many times her son will be suspended, Jo ponders snoozing with Gerry, and Catherine and Elb discuss a mysterious project in code.........It seems that ENGLAND are visiting the crimpers’ en masse, as most of the Team are dyeing for Saturday.....

Sparkle returns to catch up after her Spanish sojourn, and Els has lost her brother but gained a B&G buddy for Saturday, while Gusti takes a break from being tough at work and practises her sarcasm...... Cathy takes a break from painting and practises her surfing, while Del posts to prove she’s still alive and kicking. Posting is in fits and starts all afternoon - Miss Hyde’s mum is nearly fit, and Lady Grey starts with the WOOTing for Saturday already....... Helpful Travel Rep Catherine posts vital transport info, but puts her foot in it at the hairdressers and may have fired herself.........Jo, Dandie and Barbara offer support.

Euphemia boots her son off the computer in order to engage in higher pursuits, and Paranoid Catherine juggles Plan B along with an End of Thread Alert and Ideas for a new thread........ Freshly shorn Elb arrives in time to see Catherine avert her own crisis and becomes a Woo-man of Letters...... Like laundry day at the convent, ENGLAND is awash with habits - Vanessa and Co have a habit of getting lost, Em makes a habit of hurting herself, and Euphemia is ready for the Knackers’ Yard........ Elb wagers her own ailments against Euph’s, piles all decrepit and ailing Tarts along with a purple-headed Goffy, into a wonky-wheeled shopping trolley and pushes them off to the waiting Funny Farm, carefully disguised as Thread 130 by Catherine......

ENGLAND 130 - 1 B&G screening - 3 days from now - 0 what fun! begins with Wulfiness, and proceeds through Dandie’s laundromat via the Perv Twins’ squishing, to Euston where ENGLAND meet up with Cathy who has been playing with an online route-planner...... Goffy dyes her hair purple and black, while Vanessa’s looks like a bacon frazzle, and Cathy has a square head....... Garlic-breathed Elb frightens Gerracula, and Euphemia admits defeat with de-headache. Em waves her new vids in front of ENGLAND’s depleted audience who appreciate the small but intimate viewing.... Catherine however is deprived of playing Solitaire as her Explorer throws a wobbly, and must reload tomorrow after Breakfast Coven....... Eeyore gets wet with or without Wulfy, and Sparkle can’t come out to play as she has to do her friend’s homework. Elb is indignant that the new member map has moved her to the slums of Weevil, while Eeyore finds she is now living in the river! The starship GB.net’s transporter room is obviously malfunctioning, as Dandie is beamed down to an industrial park, and Jo lives in a field.....

Yorkie rediscovers television, and forewarns of forthcoming Tennant-Tottiness, after watching a programme about finding one’s roots (back to hairdressing again?) ENGLAND discuss theirs, and while Yorkie has illicit ecclesiastical beginnings, Em celebrates finding a Viking or two in her past...... ENGLAND multiple-Gergasms, Eeyore decides to stay in the river and become a mermaid, and Elb shock horror, goes to bed early....... Barbara thinks she’s upset Eeyore, whereas potty-mouthed Eeyore had she forgotten the ancestry programme, but Yorkie sets her straight, and explains about “Who Do You Think You Are?”........ Jo finds it Harder To Breathe after watching Em’s new vid, while Barbara gives her own potted history and due to lack of Gerriness in ENGLAND, Men in BlackSpam is launched.......

Barbara offers to show Yorkie the sights of Zurich, while MIBspam continues unabated, helping to refill Barbara’s depleted Photobucket..... Yorkie sidles off for her bubbles, having led ENGLAND astray, and exhausted tarts follow her example at last, leaving Vanessa on lock-up duty once more. She adds headache tablets to the breakfast menu for those in need, and turns out the lights in ENGLAND.......

Somewhere, a pug in a dinner jacket snores..........

No ENGLAND ABRIDGED today.........

Due to time constraints, I have been unable to complete an edition for Tuesday 5th September.

Better luck tomorrow.

ENGLAND 128 - Race for a new thread!

Catherine treks off on lonely walkies but returns in an hour, and Next-Up Elb’s mood darkens even further when Jo tells her and Catherine that Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter has been killed in a freak accident while filming in Australia....... Breakfast Club is a subdued affair, and Jo grumbles about the early start, but today is Back to School Day, and needs must..... Catherine plans to return to a more sociable hour for walkies ASAP, but must maintain her early treks for the meantime. Mournful Elb departs for work, leaving Catherine and Vanessa on thread duty as Els, then Miss Hyde pop in before work and shopping respectively.

Els lobs in some random PuresexSpam from work, while Del gets excited by portable apps, and posts random PugSpam...... Euphemia is tongue-tired and plans a lazy day NOT speaking Romanian, while Cathy takes a break from painting to lunch uncomfortably al fresco. ENGLAND takes a siesta, panicking Dandie who can’t find her way home when ENGLAND isn’t on the New Posts board...... Lady Claire grumbles about the dearth of Gerriness on UK TV, and is deserted in her hour of need by Dandie who goes to watch Gerry on US TV! Catherine however, dons her best TV announcer’s voice to point out that Gerry is indeed on telly thrice in the next week......!

Miss Hyde struggles in after a shopping spree to announce that she is the proud owner of a shiny new saucepan for Uni! Em sneaks in from work and swears ENGLAND to secrecy, while Barbs pops in to give news on poor Karan who is going through a bad spell at present.... Lady Claire sympathises, being no stranger to pain herself, and Berenise adds her good wishes to Karan. Gusti STILL hasn’t seen B&G as she’s far too popular, while Elb too encourages Karan to get fighting fit for Saturday, and Dandie practises her English-English while houseworking!

Blu mourns her fellow countryman, and Team ENGLAND lay their tributes for Steve Irwin........

Vanessa’s Dodgy Customer lurks, while Smugs complains of too much homework, but still spends time on GB.net! Cathy’s paint lies, and needs another coat, while Dandie gears herself up for domestic drudgery by gassing with the girls......... Euphemia makes spider butties for Jo, and tells Mr the Horrible to self-replicate, which may backfire on her...... Em celebrates that her working life is nearly done, and that she can retire to Uni shortly, while Gusti has doubts about coming back to the UK, overrun as it is by spiders. Goffy reports that Mum is much improved, Euphemia doles out hugs a-plenty, and Yorkie pimps Gerry to random shop assistants....... Em is tormented by spider-spoofing kiddies, and Els proclaims that she would walk 500 miles to fall down at Johnny’s door. Elb issues an abject apology for unintended criticism of Gusti’s English, and confesses yet more Moleskine love, while Euphemia assures Yorkie that her Arnold Schwartzenspider will be back........ Catherine monitors her time spent at her headache-inducing computer, escaping the deep and meaningful discussion which follows on the subject of foodie foibles..... Yorkie is a chip purist, and Jo agrees chips and gravy is SO wrong, while Elb gets her hat on and fondly remembers spam, spam, spam, spam - wonderful spam as ex-spam-entially linked by Jo. Yellow-towelled Gerry is despatched to Dandie’s by Yorkie, with scant places to hide his crevice tool, and Goffy dreams of a large portion, while Euphemia likes to put the whole thing in her mouth and pop it. Catherine’s idea of Hell is a carvery, and Els and the rest of ENGLAND get the munchies......

Elb apologises for lack of bounce but says her joie de vivre is dimmed after the demise of the lovable Aussie Croc-Wrestler, and the mood sours...... Goffy says he always made her smile, so Elb decides that ENGLAND should Smile for Steve, and thus a ‘Smile for Steve’ sweeps slowly through ENGLAND, followed by silence..........

A half hour later, Dandie is wondering if all have retired for the night, when Cathy announces how a raincoat and nothing else will pep up a flagging sex life...... The mere thought sends much of ENGLAND running for their beds rather than their raincoats, and only the Late Crew of Dandie, Vanessa and Jo are left to write off the last pages of the dying thread. Vanessa PMs her photo to Elb so as not to frighten the thread, and Jo will have fresh victims to torture when she goes back to school tomorrow....... Vanessa gets hiccups, as does the site, and Elb advises Vanessa in writing about ENGLAND’s Unwritten Rules for Unilateral Squeeing, then has an attack of GeekSpeak and sends her brain into meltdown.......She threatens ENGLAND with TartSpam as she has been secretly collecting Tart pics to further her career in World Domination, but puts it on hold to go to bed early...... Frantically fretting about who will start the next thread, Vanessa, Jo and Dandie use up the remainder of thread 128, and so ENGLAND 129 is born out of desperation and Paranoia.....

‘BritTarts are going to see Gerry on the 9th’ is begun by Vanessa, and in accordance with the site’s hiccupping tonight, the posted pictures are so vast, they blot out the moonlight...... Shocked by the sheer magnitude of Gerry, Vanessa and co run away, and ENGLAND fall silent......

ENGLAND 127 - Geats Ahoy!

(BritTarts Woffle about Wulfy...and Others)

Catherine awakes to a continuation of her headache, and wonders if her monitor is the problem....... Hubby’s solution? Don’t look!..... Elb joins her as promised, but peaceful BC is interrupted by Marsha the Not-So-Quiet Admirerer who is only just off to bed. Catherine, after adventures in dyeing, decides she likes her startling new hair colour, and she and Elb huddle over the cauldron discussing the dubious joys of getting older as their eyesight deteriorates (along with the inevitable decline of everything else!).......... Gusti thinks someone has died, with the obituary-like new page layout, and Catherine contemplates being a bad dog-mummy and skipping walkies as the weather is foul and she feels yuk!

Grouchy QOV Tina has company, so must change her habits and her PJs, while Catherine and Elb do feline business before still-weary Elb returns to bed for more zeds. Eye-strained Gusti also bales out and Tina and Catherine practise that most British of traditions - discussing the weather........Relatively-challenged Breila calls in sick from her bed, and Cathy - also in Sunday dress of jammies - finishes PSILY then goes stripping....... Miss Hyde dreams in Tescos, and Jo prepares to return to school, but finds time to dispense helpful veterinary advice for Noodles! Els drops off a WulfyGram for Elb, and Jo reports that her vet takes the p*** out of her poor cat on a regular basis.......... Eeyore decides ‘It’s Now or Never’, dons her ‘Blue Suede Shoes’ and gets ‘All Shook Up’ with the return of the King, while all that’s on Catherine’s mind besides a headache is Syndol.......Miss Hyde assures Eeyore that although she’s off to Uni shortly, she won’t be ‘Lonesome Tonight’ as she’s stuck on ENGLAND.... Cyber-Mummy Elb pompously issues Uni ground rules, while Eeyore and Catherine talk drugs, and Gusti covers excessive drinking....... (hers and Elb’s....)

Eeyore advises on camera purchases, and terminally-behind Barbara is devastated to find she has lost ALL her GB.net downloads due to computer and husband malfunction....... She and Gusti talk German soap, and ENGLAND depart for Sunday lunch.......

Goffy bounces in much later, having finally been able to hear the sound of music from her new lappy, courtesy of wireless headphones, and plans on getting a top-to-toe treat next week - but misses out the bit in between. ENGLAND gradually return in time for tea, and Em, Gusti, and Vanessa join Goffy for tea.... Em plays mind games with a lecherous amnesiac, and Dandie gets spoilt rotten. She gives a heads-up on the news that JD may be house-hunting in Eeyore country, while Eeyore gets ratty, and test drives her new camera........ Gusti gets a complex when all goes quiet every time she raves about her German soap opera, Eeyore reckons JD should head further North and Miss Hyde is a popular girl and multi-tarts while MSNing.... and engaged in the same preoccupation, Els is getting chatted up while posting. Elb returns to shamelessly plug her other blog, ElbOnline, as she has spent the afternoon playing at being a writer, and Jo calms down after aggro on another forum...... Elb suggests a hyperactive moggy instead of an ultrasonic gizmo to keep Eeyore’s rats at bay, but Mrs Eeyore’s not keen, while Tina joins the Team with historical intentions for later, and comforts Lord Wolfie with a mahoosive hangover whilst trying to keep a straight face. Elb runs a repeat showing of Mini-Marek versus Big Noodles for Vanessa’s daughter but thinks she got away without being called bonkers by Goffy. Until Goffy surfaces to call her bonkers.

ENGLAND lust after Puresex, while Certain People just long for pure sex, and Elb issues the End Of Thread Alert which largely goes unnoticed as folk are thinking of Puresex........... Els is a barsteward magnet, or so she thinks, while Dandie’s beloved commands IT services from his wife. Elb throws a paddy as the end of the thread rises up fast to smack ENGLAND between the eyes, and commands Em or Els to slug it out for ThreadStarting honours, failing to notice that Yorkie has snuck in and knuckled down to business already........

Two ENGLAND 128’s arise from the ashes of Elb’s meltdown, and as Yorkie’s is first off the starting blocks by a minute, it grabs glory, while Els’ thread flutters forlornly in the breeze with just a “Dagnabbit!” to show it had ever lived........ Cheerleaders and WOOTs abound as ENGLAND celebrate the birth of 128 and show their appreciation of Man of All Moments, Gerry Butler! Em opens fire with picspam, and ENGLAND head rapidly for the naughty corner, while Dandie awards Em the first red card of the thread for commenting that “not everyone can kiss the end of their own bat!”........ Father Gerry is called in to absolve Eeyore of her sins, while the long queue for the naughty corner is joined by Euphemia and Jo, and Elb is far too observant for her Gerrylust and wonders about Angelara’s extraordinary thumb as pictured across Terry/Gerry’s throat! Big-game hunter Euphemia has great news - Rover has finally been ensnared! Els acquires a bounty of Depp’s Chest by illicit means and can now watch POTC2 at her (p)leisure, while Jo puts the frighteners on Euphemia by telling her that Rover has a partner who will come gunning for her..... ENGLAND WOOT for Euph’s GB.net anniversary, and Catherine and Els depart early - Catherine to try and get rid of her headache, and Els to drool over yet more JD....... Vanessa tries it on with all Gerry’s characters, to find that the rest of Team ENGLAND have got there before her, and Euphemia sits back and recounts how big brave Mr the Horrible held the chair for her while she and her arthritic hip went mountaineering to rescue the family Horrible from certain death by Rover........ Elb and Euph play Fast and Loose - Elb being Fast, while Yorkie slaves over a hot Travelogue and Jo and Euph bale out of the thread for Bedfordshire....... Eeyore plays with her new camera and photgraphs far away mountains and giant man-eating flowers, while Dandie wishes all a good night and leaves with a Stranger........Vanessa is left once more to tuck ENGLAND in and leaves Wulfy and Terry on guard duty before calling it a night......

All is quiet on the Western front, save for the synchronised snoring of Team ENGLAND as they dream of the coming Saturday’s trip............

ENGLAND 126 wanders off!

Blogger's Night Off! Normal service resumes tomorrow.........

I thank you.